Last of Our Kind

I've been on this planet almost 31 years in April of 2018. While I know that I haven't seen everything, I know that I've seen enough to have a perspective on this world to formulate opinions and thoughts on what I've encountered and experienced up to this point in my life. It definitely hasn't been easy and a lot of moments have brought on a LOT of disappointing and heart wrenching times. Those alone would make me an clear cut cynic, pessimist, and downright horrible person to be around because of my bleak and dreary outlook on this world. Luckily though, there have been MONUMENTAL, overwhelming happy moments that I've experienced throughout this lifetime, 2 of them occurring in this year of 2017 alone.

Where I'm going with this is that I've seen, known, been mentored, have mentored, and more importantly been friends with some of the greatest men that I've ever met in my life. Some who have inspired me to strive higher, fight longer, keep pushing, never give up, and teach me some of the most invaluable lessons about sports, working, what it means to be a leader, and just life. Those are lessons, friendships, and people that I will cherish now and forever.

There's the flip side of that though. I've also met some of the most horrible, selfish, rude, creepy, rapacious, and just down right TRASH ass men on the face of this damn earth. Men who speak so horribly about women. Who completely objectify women. Who see them as only good for cleaning, cooking, or worse, a fuck and a nut. Hell, sometimes they are all of these things. But sadly, I've also been friends with these types of clown ass niggas, especially when I was coming up during my teenage years. I've seen or heard about some of the horrible things that they've done to women. Used them, left them while they were pregnant, or physically, mentally, and emotionally abused them. Leaked private content that she trusted him to keep safe and to himself, and a whole plethora of disrespectful shit.

This is not to say that I'm some kind of goody two shoes or that I'm not guilty of hurting a woman. I know that I've broken a few hearts before and it's still something that I'm not proud of to this very day. I've always tried to live my life by the Warrior Code. It's something that I pride myself on and it's something that means a great deal to me and how I view this world. Sadly, I am this terrible thing known as Homo Sapien, which means that I'm open to fail and fall short of the vision that I have for myself and the perfect way that I want to live. Aside from how I want to live, there is still this GLARING issue that men have with women. I just want to know one thing. Why? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY be your issue with women? WHY do they need to die because your teddy graham punk ass don't know how to accept the word...no? WHY do they need to be afraid to simply walk past you? WHY do they need to use an entire unspoken code just to get away from your creepy ass? Women should not have to go to the lengths they do to tip toe around telling you no. They shouldn't be forced into giving you their phone numbers because they feel like their safety will be threatened if they don't. They shouldn't have to have to be forced to endure an extremely uncomfortable encounter because she doesn't know if you'll fly off the deep end because you never learned that you cant have everything that you want and desire simply because you have a fucking Y chromosome. They shouldn't be forced to stay in harmful situations or relationships because of the fact that you're controlling and manipulative and she doesn't see a way out.

Men, we simply need to do BETTER. There's no other way to say it or put it. We need to be protecting women. If not for these glorious gifts to the planet Earth, there's absolutely no fucking way in hell any MALE with a Y chromosome would be walking this planet right now, simple as plain. You fucking OWE a woman your very existence. I absolutely fucking guarantee that if myself or ANYBODY walked up to your mom right now and slapped the entire shit outta her, you'll be ready to do anything in your power to either knock me the fuck out or, probably the most obvious answer, kill me or them. Wouldn't expect anything less of you if that was your train of thought. It would very much concern me if you WEREN'T trying to do that. I get that a lot of people don't have the best relationship with their mothers or just down right horrible relationships, but I do know that regardless of that fact, you've encountered some women that have been exceptional in your life. They absolutely deserve to be protected and cared for at all costs.

Men, lets get the shit together. We can protect our precious gifts from the trash of us that we know would want to do them harm. Those trash ass men don't deserve or should never get the opportunity to even get the chance to get close to them. It's almost 2018. It's on us. When you know better, you will want to do better. Let's fucking do better in 2018 in regards to them. We all know a lot of trash ass women, but we also know that an overwhelming majority aren't like that. Protect them at all costs because with the way that shit is going on in this country right now, they are the ones that are on the front lines right now fighting for us. We owe them AT LEAST that much...

Sacrifice

Sacrifice. Something that a lot of people know all too well. It's something that a LOT of people have had to do in their lives at one point or another. It's also something that a lot of people have chose not to go the route of when it came to something in their lives that required the choice.

One of the definitions of the word goes as follows. Sacrifice -noun. The surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim. I've seen a lot of people sacrifice for the sake of their family, their friends, their children. I've seen some people sacrifice jobs (see Colin Kaepernick) for what they strongly believe in, their families, their integrity, even their common sense for some conviction that they felt was so right, but ended up destroying them in the end. I've even seen 1 pay the ultimate sacrifice, giving their lives to keep someone they love alive, (if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be typing this right now).

I know what those that will sacrifice for those that they love look like. Hell, I've been 1 of them more times than I care to admit. But I've always been curious about those that refuse to do it. Like what goes through your head when the choice is presented to you? Is there nothing in this world that you're not ready to sacrifice for? Is there no one in this world you will sacrifice for? This is why I've always been curious as to how men can just so easily walk away from their children. I completely understand that there are reasons that would make you walk away, 1 major one being that your spouse cheated and it's not your child, but I've never completely understood that if it's your child, why WOULDN'T you want to stay and take care of them?

I get that the relationship between the man and the woman has reached a point where they don't want to be with each other anymore, I completely get that. What about the child though? The person that didn't have a say in whether they wanted to be born or not. The child is depending on both of the parents for survival and understanding of the world in their limited view of it during that time. How can you look into the eyes of a child and willingly choose to walk away? How can you decide lay down for the fun and easy part of it, but as soon as it's time to step up, you decide to walk away? No child deserves that. There are things that each parent can teach to the child that the other cant, no matter how many super parents there are out there trying to do the best they can by being both parents to the child.

This is in no means to knock anyone. I've been on a bit of a mind altering path and I'm just trying to take a look at all the things that I've always seen, and REALLY take an in-depth look into the reasoning and the why of all decisions that I've seen made and my own decisions.

There will come a time in every one's life, especially as those moments continue in my life as well, where these moments will come up and you'll be faced with a choice. For some people, the answer will be as clear as day and there wont ever be a need to think about it. But for those that will question it and have to think, I ask you simply this:

Who are you?
What are you made of?
Do you really want to do this?
What are you really losing?
Do you care enough about those people to really do this?
Are you gonna be selfish or do the right thing?

The answers, decisions, and actions of people during those crucial moments will tell you a lot of what you need to know about them if you choose to see it. Everyone has to sacrifice something at some point in their lives. Will you be ready when your time comes?

Your Soul Is Mine

You come to the door and I'm right there to greet you with a hug and kiss. Without you realizing it, I pick you and take you upstairs.

I start kissing you passionately and deeply, undressing you as I move my kisses down your neck, slowly and sensually. 

I glide my lips and my tongue slowly down your chest, making sure not to miss a single inch of your perfection. 

I guide my tongue around your areola, making my way to your nipple. I take it in my mouth and softly flick it while my other hand is caressing the other, getting it ready for my touch. 

My mouth is salivating at the thought of soon devouring you. I take your other nipple in my mouth, giving it the same amount of pleasure, but I'm satisfied with light teasing and I want what you were laid down for.

As I kiss and lick my way down, I can read your body like a map. I see how anxious it's getting. I see how much you crave it, even more than myself.

I finally arrive at my destination point and I'm ready to receive you in all of your perfection and all of your glory. I start kissing up and down your thigh, admiring and loving every inch of you.

I can feel your anticipation growing as you start softly pleading that I taste you right this second.

I switch to your other leg. I can see your wetness dripping. I can see your animality dying to be released. 

Your anticipation is now at a full roar and you are begging for me to taste you now. 

I continue my licking, kissing, and caressing up and down your leg. You cant take anymore and you pull me up to kiss me deeply. 

I break the kiss and travel my way back down between your legs. I take off your boyshorts and gaze upon your beauty.
How beautiful your face is. How wonderfully created you are. How every inch of you has been crafted in precise transcendence. Your beauty is absolutely astounding.
I lovingly take my first taste, and my GAWD, your essence tastes astounding!
I need more. I crave more! I lick up against your pussy lips, slowly and skillfully licking up each one, driving you insane and wanting me to give more.
I slowly slide my tongue inside of you, tasting more and more of your essence, your moans becoming more and more louder, reacting to my repeated motions of sliding in and out of you.
My determination to create the raging waterfall contained within causes me to work my way up to your clit.
I can feel your wetness multiply. I got you. Your soul is starting to slip. You know it and so do I. But before I take it, I'm gonna finish what I started.
I run my tongue over your clit slightly, making you let out an excited moan. It's been throbbing and waiting for me to give it the pleasure that it so rightfully deserves.
I slowly lick and contort my tongue all over it, making tiny circles on it, lightly sucking on it, driving you wild in ecstasy.
As I keep my focus on your clit, I feel your soul slipping more and more as you grab my head to keep my tongue right there.
Your moans get more and more continuous and heavier and heavier and louder. Your soul is MINE! I can feel your body trembling, thrashing, ready to explode.
I keep sucking on your clit with more intensity and more fervency, and to make sure that I capture your soul once and for all, a la Shang Tsung. I slide two fingers inside your pussy to hit your spot because I have ensure your waterfall too (oh look at that, correct usage of to/two/too lmao).
The moment is close. You cant hold on much longer. You grab my head to keep it planted and wrap your legs tightly around my head.
I speed up my fingering and my sucking as you scream that you're about to cum. I take my fingers out and focus on your clit.
With a loud moan, you give me what I've been wanting all this time. With all the force of Niagara Falls exploding from you, I swallow and lick up every single drop.
I turn my attention back to your clit as my evil conquest continues, gently licking and kissing it. Slowly licking my way all over your pussy and making sure that I've licked up every single drop...before the look of evil drapes my face again and I begin sucking your clit with fervor again. You cant control yourself as your wrap your legs back around my head and once again, cum in my mouth.
This time, I'm not letting go and I keep sucking. Over and over, you keep cumming, moaning and begging me to stop and that you cant take it anymore. I'm not stopping until you literally push me off of you.
As I keep sucking and you keep cumming, the last bit of strength that you can muster, you push me off and you collapse on the bed.

Your eyes looking at me, my eyes looking at you. You wont say it, but you and I both know it. Your soul is now officially mine.

As you gather yourself and crawl over to the edge of the bed, you look into my eyes and ask me where all of that came from..."It's simple. I love pleasing, and I get pleasure from pleasing you. Also, you know how much I love to give head and I wanted your soul." With that, I get up and walk away laughing as you drift to sleep in orgasmic bliss...

The Sonya Remonstration

Anyone who knows me knows that there are certain women that I will always, ALWAYS hold in reverence and high regard. I will ALWAYS love my mother (duh). I will ALWAYS love my Nana (rest her soul). I will ALWAYS honor any woman that I'm with (if I HAD ONE!! Lost the happy, but the happy's back!). There's also 1 more woman that I will always honor and I will go to my grave doing it also. That woman is named Sonya Marie Washington. Anyone that knows me knows the story of her and the tragic way that her life ended. I even recalled the entire thing in my entry called, "The Day of Black Moon." She was the first love of my life and she was murdered in front of me. Those close to me understand how much that day and the repercussions of it stayed with me and how much that's changed my views on the world and how I react to certain situations.

There has been an issue with my honoring of her though. It's always been perceived as though I am still holding on to her and that I am still in love her with even though she's not here anymore. Here's my problem with this. I've never understood why certain women that I've dated have had some kind of issue with her in one form or another. One woman thought that I "completely disregarded her and that I was so hung up on her still when there was a woman who was ready to love me and be there and blah blah blah...*rolls eyes HEAVY*. To be completely honest, she showed a LOT of red flags to begin with and her constant disrespect of her was enough to end things with her, regardless of things that ended up causing our demise anyway. One woman had an issue with me taking her to a spot that I went to with Sonya and viewed it as me thinking about Sonya rather than me thinking about her and me still being hung up on her. One woman even had a damn issue with me honoring her birthday and the anniversary of her death because "she was dead and gone and that I shouldn't be worried about her anymore because, once again, I had a real life woman right there who cared and loved me and who wasn't dead." Needless to say, she almost got the entire soul knocked out her ass for saying that shit, but I simply just left her ass there. 

Here's what I've found out. NO. MATTER. WHAT I've said and done to convince these women that everything was cool and it wasn't as deep as the scenarios that played out in their heads, they still refused to listen to me. Here's a couple things people need to know about me and 14 years that's passed since Sonya was murdered. First things First: 

There's a DISTINCT difference between me not being over Sonya's death and accepting that she's gone and she's never coming back. Here's the difference. I COMPLETELY ACCEPTED THAT SONYA IS GONE!! I KNOW that she's never coming back. I know that I will never be able to see her again. HENCE THE REASON I honor her memory on the day she was born and on the day she died. Just because she's gone doesn't mean that I cant remember and honor the time she spent on this earth. THE WAY she died is something that I may probably never get over because it happened DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME!! I TRIED TO JUMP IN FRONT OF THE BULLETS AND I WAS TOO LATE IN GETTING THERE! That's something traumatic. Something that causes Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm sure there have been things in your lives that's been hard to live down. Imagine how that would feel for me. I don't subscribe to what society says a man should be. I've never agreed with toxic and hyper masculinity and I damn sure don't plan on starting now.

Secondly, I would NEVER take ANYONE to ANY place that me and Sonya shared if I DIDN'T find you worthy enough of going there. I did that shit once to an EXTREMELY ungrateful bastard and I'm still pissed at myself for doing it. I wish I never even let her come even remotely close to her memorial site. There are only 2 people that I've called love interests that have been worthy enough of going to see her site. I hold that place EXTREMELY close to my heart. If I even toy with the idea of taking you there, I give an absolute damn about you. I care about you immensely to do that. To this very day, only me, her family, ONLY 1 of my closest friends, and that ungrateful bastard have stepped foot on her site. I honor the Fallen in my life extremely lovingly and I wont stand for the disrespect of them just like I wouldn't want to show any kind of disrespect to anyone's loved ones either. 

Third. I know there are people in my life who care and love me and just want to be there. Here's the thing and I finally realized what it was when I saw it for the third time. I cant for the life of me figure out why the love interests that come into my life feel like that they have to compete with a woman who's no longer walking this earth anymore. Why?! Why do you feel threatened? What can she possibly do? What do you think she has that you cant get? If I wasn't over her, there's no way that I would waste my time or my money in the pursuit of you. I would just sit by her grave site every day and just talk to her. All day, everyday. Just because she holds a special place in my heart doesn't mean that I'm still holding on to her. It's very much possible to love someone and still move on from them. Hell, you see the shit everyday in relationships now. You can love someone and everything that you shared with them and be able to move on and create new memories with someone else and love them exactly the same. It's not one or the other. 

For the last time. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE OR FEEL THREATENED BY A WOMAN WHO IS NO LONGER LIVING!! As much as I will always love Sonya and what she meant to my life, I will NEVER let that come between a potential relationship. I'm guilty of a lot of things, some of them a tad dark, but I will NEVER be guilty of that. 

So PLEASE!! There's nothing to be threatened by or jealous of. All I'm doing is simply honoring her and her memory.

The Amber Effect

I've been fortunate enough to be alive for 30 years. In my short time on this planet, I've seen and experienced a lot for someone of my age. Some people say that life actually starts for you when you turn 30. Some people dread the day that they turn 30. Some people look forward to that special milestone in their lives. Me? I was DEFINITELY one of those people not looking forward to my 30th. I dreaded the day and I felt like my immortality and my invincibility were leaving me and that I would feel so weak and like a mortal. Fortunately, the sense of immortality hasn't left my mind. It has evolved though. I don't too much look at myself as immortal anymore. But I do know that I wanna live forever. Which is why it's now transformed into me making sure that I leave a legend behind that allows me to live forever. I want to be that dude that no one will ever forget. I want be the person that every one remembers when a certain word or phrase is mentioned. I want to be the person that has left a lasting impression on every one that I come in contact with so that way, I'm never forgotten.

I opened up with that because in my 30 years on this planet, I've also dealt with a lot of relationships too. A lot them have ended up being nothing. Some have been extremely important life learning sessions. A couple of them I still hold dear to my heart. But there was one that completely changed my way of thinking in terms of a relationship and taught me EASILY one of the most important lessons about approaching them moving forward. I owe it all to one woman. Our dating phase began back in 2014. Granted, we didn't last long, but because of her, I learned more about relationships within that 2 month time frame than I ever had in the years before when I first started dating.

It was a woman by the name of Amber who instilled in me a relationship mainstay that I didn't know existed before her and that I've been looking for since her. She was the first woman to give me a sense of what it meant to truly feel like you were at home in a relationship. Like she was so comforting, warm, loving. Anytime that I would go over her house, she made me feel welcomed. Her dog was a bit on the conservative side, but Peanut quickly warmed up to me. We cooked for each other. We looked after each other. It almost felt like we were a family. Me, her and the dog. Like I said, we didn't last long (it was no one's fault, just shit timing), but I understand what her purpose was in my life. It was to show me that I've been thinking about approaching relationships completely wrong. For the last 3 years I haven't come anywhere remotely close to what it was that I felt with Amber. I'm not usually one for overt sentimentality, but when it comes to that time period in my life, I hold it in high regard because of the lesson she taught me. I'm still looking for the woman who helps me to feel that again. I'll know it's real because I'm convinced that the next time I feel it, it's gonna be with the one who was meant for me. 

When that day comes, no matter who it's with, whether it's someone completely new or a woman of the past who has changed, the reason things will be different will be because of one woman. Amber Pratcher. Thank you, Amber J, for the lesson you passed onto me. You'll never know the eternal gratitude that I'll always have for you coming into my life and the imprint that you've left on it.

Questions Pt. 2

Why do it?

Why did you go the route you did?

Why is it that you chose to run from something good to return to what you CONSTANTLY complained about?

Why do you like being hurt? 

Why cant you put yourself first sometimes?

Why have you allowed your life to become this?

Why have you allowed the darkness to consume you?

Why do you constantly venture into the darkness?

What are you afraid of?

Why wont you let yourself get closer to anyone?

Why do you push away when some people just really want to help you?

What will you do once you realize that you were wrong and the person that you wanted to be there for you is no longer there anymore?

What will you do once you realize you were wrong?

How far will you go to get the person you love back?

How far will you go to prove to the person you love that they mean everything to you?

What will you do if that person doesn't take you back?

What will you do if that person chooses never to speak to you ever again?

Probably the biggest question of all, what can you do when the person that you love the most dies and you cant take back all the things you've done to them nor can you tell them how much you love them ever again?

These are questions I ask myself all the time. These are questions that I try to shape my life around to always remember the fact that, I shouldn't EVER take anyone that I love for granted. I've had special people in my life and I cant get the moments back that I should have told some of them how much I love and appreciate them. So, regardless of how my emotions may make me go inward and walk to the precipice of darkness, I try my absolute hardest to let the people I love know that I love them. I never know when I wont get that chance again.

The Last Hero Pt.1: The King Has Fallen

48 hours. That's all it took for the king and his kingdom to fall. Just 48 hours. His kingdom didn't fall because of an all out great war. It didn't fall because of some great plague and completely eradicated his people. It didn't fall because of some unforeseen natural disaster either. No, the king and his kingdom fell by one swift blade to the back and through the heart. It fell by someone that was able to infiltrate into it without a second glance by anyone else. The kingdom fell...at the hands of a woman.

I'm speaking symbolically of course, but still. The king has never experienced such a heartbreak like this before and people close to him knew that he's gone through some HORRIBLE heartbreaks. Sadly, it isn't the first time that this woman has entered the kingdom and has tried to take it down from within, but this time, it was for the death shot. The woman has been good at wounding the king. She's done it numerous times over the years. Every time, the king got back up, stronger, but sadly a little bit more wounded each and every time. What makes the slaying of the king so heartbreaking is because it was a clear path this time around. There weren't any obstacles in the way this time. There weren't any queens or mistresses to deal with. There wasn't anything. Just a clear path to seduce and destroy. To finally put the king down for good. To make sure that he was no longer an anomaly left unchecked. That would cause anymore problems from her mission. To make sure that her future was absolutely secured and that the king could no longer be a threat to fight for his kingdom.

With the death of the king, the woman and the object of her affection, her love, her barbarian, easily ransacked the kingdom. Took all of its treasures for themselves, living like royalty while watching the destruction of the kingdom they easily overtook. The barbarian now sits on the throne of the former king and the woman sits on the throne that was already made for her and create the kingdom anew in their image. They can sup and drink at the table where the king used to break bread. They can bathe in the tears of the people, the former king's loved ones, and even the king himself as he took one last look into the eyes of his betrayer. They can make love and lay on the same bed that the woman and the king use to lay. They can rejoice and celebrate the fact that the king is finally dead after all this time and the woman can finally get what she's been wanting from the barbarian for years. She knew the king could offer her the world and everything she's ever desired. From being looked after to being the most loved woman on the face of the planet, the woman knew what was before her and what her life could possibly be like. Only the woman will ever know why she chose the way that she did, but the consequences of her choice has left a king dead, a kingdom in ruins, and her and the barbarian posed for a complete takeover. The kingdom has fallen.

Some time has passed and the barbarian and the woman have now made the kingdom in their own image. After a particular disagreement between them, the distraught woman rushes to the window in tears and stares into the moonlit night. As she stares at the stars and stares at the moon, in all of its majesty, she ponders, albeit briefly, if she made the right choice with her betrayal and her role in the murder of the king. As the thought passes through and away from her mind and she goes to prepare herself for bed, she overhears a booming roar. She hears the people screaming in terror. She runs back to the window and there is the terrifying sight. A Dragon rising from the horizon...

Curtain Call: Fading to Black...

THERE'S SO MUCH RAGE AND ANGER AND FUCKING CUSS WORDS THAT I WANNA GET THE FUCK OUT OF ME SO BAD!!! LIKE I'M ENTIRELY FUCKING FURIOUS RIGHT NOW!!!

Without trying to lie to you all like I'm a Black preacher, I promise that I'm not gonna be before you long (yes I actually mean it lol). Well...THIS has a been a hell of a fucking few hours. So much said. So much done. So much to pick up from and try to move forward from AGAIN. I'm honestly very disoriented and I'm once again left in a state of I have no idea where to go or what to do. Instead of doing this long, drawn out story, I'll just keep it simple. Guy meets girl 8 years ago. Guy and girl like each other. Guy and girl date for a while. Guy gets cheated on by girl. Guy spends the next 8 years trying to show girl that he loves her. Girl keeps walking away from guy for males who take advantage of her, abuse her, or really does love her, but also knows what he can do and what not to do to get back into her graces again. Guy thought there was a genuine chance with girl this time. Guy once again learns there wasn't and gets his heart broken again by Girl.

It's been an entire emotional roller coaster since it all started back in 2009, but once again I'm the one that's standing on the side holding every one's stuff while they get to ride the ride. Because I've been reflecting for the last hour or so, I can see how people on the outside looking in would say that I'm stupid as fuck. I keep running back to a woman who continuously keeps hurting me and I didn't care how I looked. I loved her deeply and I didn't think about how crazy I would end up looking, even though I knew the end result. Here's the thing with me. I tend not to give up on people. People that I KNOW that I should have given up on a long time ago. For all of my darkness and the fact that I'm so cold and distant, one of my best friends, Danielle (sorry Snoopy, I just wanted to write your name knowing you don't like it ha ha), read me like a book. I am a LOT kinder and a LOT more loving than I give myself credit for because I do have a long history of going cold and completely isolating myself from love and from people. I also have a history of going completely out of my way and giving my last or dealing with issues of people that don't concern me in the slightest, but yet I'm there trying to resolve it. I hate that I'm like that sometimes because it definitely comes out more for those that don't deserve it because I'm trying to earn their love and affection.

Now for the moment of truth. The person who caused all of this to happen. The reason that I'm writing this entry right now. Delnisha. There's so much anger and rage that I wanna direct towards you. There's so much hurt that needs to be dealt with. I want to hate you and burn your existence from my mind and every single trace of you that's ever existed to me from the moment I met you in  May of 2009 to what just might have been the last time that I talk to you ever again earlier today in 2017. I want to say so many negative things. I simply cant. I don't want to. I love you and I'm sure that I'm always going to also. I'm probably a damn fool for still loving you, but here it is. Me putting it out in the open for the world to see for the first time since we've known each other. I love you, Red. I always have and I always will. There's nothing that I've never not done for you. You could call me in the middle of the night crying or just needing to talk and you know that I would answer. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for you. Maybe that means I'm a fucking dumbass. Maybe that means I'm sprung. Never been one to care for what people thought of me and I don't plan to buck that trend right now. I simply love you, Red. As much as I want to be extremely angry with you, no matter how justified it would be, I simply cant be. As much as I want to hate you, no matter how justified I would be, I just cant. This is how much I love you. I love you enough to once again let you go and go love the man that you do, only for a fleeting glimpse of hope that you'll return to truly be mine once and for all. I really felt like this was gonna be a scathing and rage filled entry with me cussing you smooth the fuck out, but I chose to write what was in my heart and in my heart, there's still an immense love for you. I want you so bad and I want you to be mine, and as much as it will be wrong of me to hope you fail again with him, I truly do hope that you work it out with him for whatever time y'all on now. I couldn't NOR WILL I EVER wish ill of any relationship that you ever get into. Even if you block me from every single social media and your phone, I will never stop loving you. I'll just honor your request to simply leave you alone. I wrote a handwritten letter for you with the hopes of one day giving it to you, but it looks like that day will never come. Probably for good this time, but still, I have it. I wish you the best and the happiness that you deserve. I do want you to know one more thing and you can never, ever doubt this again. If this doesn't prove that I was fighting for you every single second since I first met you, then nothing ever will. It's all I've ever done. I'm just sorry that my efforts weren't enough.

YEAH....sorry. I knew that I passed my time, but I knew that needed to come out.

Relationships

It's been a bit of an eye opening week for me. A bunch of eventful shit happened. A life changing happened. And I spent what would have been my daughter's 16th birthday with her at her grave site (an entry on Jessyca is definitely coming soon). But I think the most important thing happened to me on the Saturday night before Devil's Night. I spent that time just reflecting and speaking to the spirits of my loved ones. It's one thing in particular that I realized. I absolutely forgot what the hell I was looking when it hit me, but I realized, EXTREMELY LATE and probably dumb ass hell, but better late than never, right? Lol. ANYHOW...I realized that I'm extremely STUPID when it comes to relationships...

Let me explain that. Not in the fact that I'm emotionally retarded or anything (even though I do have my moments), but I realized that I've been doing relationships completely WRONG. I've had my times where I KNOW I've had my fair share of fuck ups, downright dirty moments, and where I completely didn't give a fuck at all, it's exactly what I do to those who treat me the way that they want to be treated. When you show me that you're all about you in a relationship and you're trying to manipulate me into getting what you want, don't be surprised or even attempt to get mad when you get back the consequences of your actions. But still, those LITERAL 2 times HIGHLY pale in comparison to what I've had to put up when I was loving, kind, giving, nurturing, affectionate, and compassionate. 

This is STILL not to say that I don't have my days where I just want to be alone or I'm not feeling the most affectionate or loving, hell I would NEVER expect anyone to just be that way 100% of the time, all day everyday. That's hella irrational and hella unreasonable. But once, JUST FUCKING ONCE, I would like to get back the same kind of effort that I'm putting in. During that epiphany, I realized that I'm doing WAYYYYY too damn much for people that I'm not even with. Like why the fuck am I going completely out of my way to show people that I care about them, make sure they're good, if they need anything, to listen and talk about their issues with them so they can get them out of their system, if I can help in anyway, do it and FOR WHAT?! To not even get fucking acknowledged by them, can't get a fucking text or call back, or them even giving a simple fuck about me? When you decide to recognize my existence, it's all about you or you're doing the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM just to say you've acknowledged me or that you can use it as some way to get something out of me to benefit you.

If it sounds like I'm pissed, I gotta say that I was all the way up until that Saturday night. Like some of the arguments I was getting into were EXTREMELY hypocritical! Like you're gonna argue with me over some fucking TWITTER SHIT (laughable now once I got over the anger and pettiness of it), going all through my stuff and YOUR SHIT IS PROTECTED UNLESS I FOLLOW YOU?! LMAO, like how fucking contradictory is that?! I'm always required to calm down or show you some fucking attention and you cant even do the same for me?! Like you're telling me what the fuck I need to get over and how I need to handle shit, but you turn around and do the same shit, but I'M AT FAULT?! That's fucking laughable as shit (now at least)! Like WHY THE FUCK am I dealing with this kind of shit? There's a simple answer to it. I simply chose to. I simply chose to deal with all that fuck shit just for the chance to one day win affection. The chance to one day feel their love. The chance to one day see that all of that wasn't in vain and that I earned their love.

That's when I realized it. I'm just simply being used. I'm the fall back choice. I'm analogous to the dude that's in a woman's contacts under the name "Free food nigga" or "Free date nigga." That's the point that I've now reached. Not entirely sure if that's rock bottom or not, but I do know that's pretty fucking low. Like I get it, we've all been burned extremely badly by someone or several people in our past. I'm not immune to that shit myself. My closest friends and some of my family have witnessed absolutely catastrophic times in my love life and some of them have even threatened to fight these women. I've been put through the damn ringer by 83% of my relationships in the past, so I absolutely get it. Love ain't really been the biggest thing that I've been trying to deal with myself. Hell, I cant even remember the last time that I was in love to be honest. It's been THAT long. I've always been honest with myself in knowing that I wont always earn every one's affection. I can live with that. What I CANT accept is women telling me that they love me and that they want to be with me or that they give a damn about me and their actions don't come anywhere close to lining up with the shit they're saying. One of the codes that I built my life around is, "My word is my bond." If I give my word to anything that I say I'm gonna do, best fucking believe it's gonna get done, no matter what it takes or how long it takes. Sadly, I'm also human and I know that I cant always keep my damn word, but that's HELLA FAR AND FEW between. If I cant, I'm gonna be honest and say that I cant, simple. I may suck at communication from time to time, but that's something that I'm gonna always be able to communicate, no matter what.

I also realize that it takes people different times to heal. I completely get that shit. Sometimes, people simply don't. Something so traumatizing happens and it's hard to get over it. I've been there and I'm still there now. I'm starting the process of healing myself and truly learning how to deal with deathiversaries and birthdays better now. I'm also learning how to open my heart up again and to not to close everyone off that doesn't deserve it. I know a lot of people cant do that and I completely understand it. At least I'm realizing as I'm typing this entry right now. I can't help that, but what I can do is continue to love and do what I'm good at. My biggest obstacle is learning how to allow myself to be loved and telling myself that it's actually OK to accept it.

That's neither here nor there though. I think the message that I'm overall trying to convey is that I've been giving my time, energy, and going above and beyond to do husband duties to people who don't give 2 squirts of piss about me, who ain't trying to be with me in the slightest, or only take from me while doing the absolute bare minimum thinking that will be enough for me because I'm simply a man. Like I don't have fucking feelings my damn self or think that I deserve to be treated better or at least with some kind of respect. Life's funny in certain ways sometimes. But it is what it is. Just know that I've learned now how you are. I wont say anything about it. My solution to this is just simple. It's the golden rule. Treat how you want to be treated. Simply put. I'm simply gonna start treating women the exact same way they treat me. If I get full interest and like you actually give a damn about me, best believe I'm gonna give you all of my effort. If you choose to half ass me, you're gonna get the same in return. Just don't say shit about how much you deserve better and you deserve to be treated like a queen. YES! YOU ABSOLUTELY DO DESERVE TO BE TREATED AT SUCH! Just don't kick that shit when you're doing the least and expecting the most because you think you should be treated like a queen. You get what you give. Simple.

Well that's my revelation and my action change for another part of my life. Stay tuned with me as I continue this journey towards finally achieving the goal I've wanted for so long...true inner peace.

I Am

My blog up to this point has been EXCRUCIATINGLY personal and mostly my thoughts being typed dealing with the relationship that I was in during that time. It's been incredibly liberating in some instances, but mostly because I was also speaking in terms of things that were happening to me. Rarely did I use this blog to focus on just MY issues. Things that's been bothering me. Things that I am fighting internally. Things that has driven certain behavioral traits in me. I'm gonna take this time to TRY MY HARDEST to admit some of these things. I guess I'll start it off this way: I AM BROKEN!  I am a shell of who I used to be. I'm filled with SO MUCH ANGER AND RAGE! I'm still hurting from watching 7 of the people I've loved get murdered at the hands of a mad man. I am still handling my pain and my issues wrongly. I internalize WAY TOO MUCH because I feel like I cant talk to anyone and I constantly feel like I'm not being heard. I'm always made to feel like I don't matter or nothing that I go through or that I feel matters. I still hide behind my hurt and my pain because I'm afraid of moving on with my life. I'm afraid of the guilt that I'm gonna feel for continuing to live my life and I couldn't save the ones that I promised to protect or that I didn't do enough to protect. This is definitely the biggest one: I'm honestly afraid to be happy because I'm afraid that it's gonna be taken away from me again.

I'm looking at this list of things that I just said and this is the first time that I've said these things about myself out loud and to myself so that I could read them over again. They always say that the first step to solving any problem is recognizing that there is a problem to beginning with. I've always known that there were issues with me and I had and STILL HAVE no issue with admitting them in the slightest. Still, this is the first time that I've said any of this out loud, so I'm finally acknowledging my problem. I desperately want and NEED to fix this about me. It's been hurting friendships that I hold, relationships that I've been in, and affected some of my interactions with my family. I've been in this hole of darkness for a LONG time and it's been more than past time to get out of it and I have a long road ahead of me. I know for a fact that I do have to live with everything for the rest of my life, but I'm FINALLY making myself get myself out of this and move forward with my life. With the carrying out of my last Devil's Night mission, it's been more than enough time to get over the anger that the last decade has brought me. The first step to any problem is admitting the problem right? Well with this entry, this is me taking my first step toward trying to get myself out of the darkness...

My Last Breath...

As I lay here, taking my final slow grasping breaths, I'm watching all the important and life altering events flash before my life. All of the times that I've found myself in a bind. All of the times that I saw the very people that I loved die before my eyes. The 3 times that I stared death in the face and he chose to let me go those 3 times. As I lay in a ocean of my blood, I don't think he's gonna let me go this time. As all of these events flash before me, I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't listen to the many people who told me not to go out on Devil's Night. Maybe if I didn't, I wouldn't be laying here dying right now. I'm sorry I didn't heed the many warnings of those that simply just wanted to keep me safe.

As I lay here, dying, I just want to take the time to say thank you to those that never left my side, no matter how hard I tried to push you away. No matter how difficult I was to deal with. No matter how much I isolated myself. You all are the very reason that I was able to continue to keep pushing through this life and that also drove me to make sure that I could keep you all protected at all times. Your love and your loyalty have meant everything to me and it's because of you all, I can die honorably. 

To those who made me feel insignificant, those of you who said you cared about me, but your actions VASTLY proved otherwise, I hope you go to your grave living with the fact of how you treated someone who was down for you and gave you absolutely everything that he had. Who you could call upon at the drop of a dime and know that I would have been the one to help you with any and everything that you needed. The most reliable and dependable person that you knew and all you decided to do was just use and take advantage of me for your own gains. Live with that. KNOW that you're a trash ass person and that karma will come back to you.

And to those of you who had my heart in your hands and chose to drop it, spit on it, step on it, and then finally stab it like I was Davy Jones from the Pirates of the Caribbean. I just wanna tell you bastards....thank you. Thank you for the many lessons that I learned because of your betrayals. Thank you for treating me like I wasn't shit because it made me realize what I truly meant to you and it made me also understand how strong I was. It also made me realize that I needed to be cold as possible to keep moving through this life. I also thank you for making me realize that right now. Thank you for letting me know that I'm going to forever be alone, but that I don't need anyone because humanity isn't to be trusted. Nor those that I wanted to have my heart or those that said they "loved me" or "wanted to be with me so bad," but never showed a goddamn move in trying to make it happen.

As my breath grows more shallow, and the hand of death gets closer, I close my eyes as I await my fate. I'm sorry that it came to this Shawn. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you, Sonya and Talon. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you were taken, X and Blaze. I'm so sorry that I didn't get revenge for you Monica and Jessyca. I'll have to tell you all this again when I get there, but I just wanted you to know one last time while I'm on this earthly plane.

As my death knell sounds, I hope that I've made the lives of those I've been in more better than how I left them. I know I wasn't always a good person and I've definitely hurt some of those people. I'm so sorry that I did and it was NEVER my intent to. I've never said I was a nice guy and I know that I'm not always a good person. The one thing I was though was honest, and all I've tried to be with all of you is exactly that. I've tried to be as honorable as possible and I've always tried my absolute hardest to do right by you all. I wasn't always a good person, but I did always try to have good intentions, even if half of them were skewed. Even though I was always at war within myself between the good and bad in me, I've always tried to do the right thing, even though I've had my times where I wasn't concerned about the right thing. 

As I take my last breath, I die saying this. I wasn't always a nice person, but I always had a good heart. Goodbye you all. I'll see you on the other side...

The End of the Road

I wanted to start this out by using a word and then attaching some kind of profound ass statement to the back end of it. Normally, I would do something like that because that's usually how I like to start out my blog material. This time around, however, I would like to start out with a question. The question is simple.

WHAT DOES LOYALTY AND LOVE MEAN TO YOU?

I'm asking this from a place of curiosity, but I'm also asking this from a place of anger and hurt. Yes, I do experience a lot of it, hell 90% of this damn blog is out of anger and hurt, but this time, it's because of recent anger and hurt. I've mentioned this woman on this blog before and back then, I was furious at her for the actions that transpired. In retrospect, I'm glad that it did happen because like I said then, she made the most adorable, cute as a button, and hilarious daughter from it, but compared to what has transpired lately, that was very much a nice cool walk through the park.

Red is the reason of this blog entry this time because ONCE AGAIN, just like over the last 8 years, I've once again been ghosted and basically left for dead by this damn woman. Once again, this muthafucka has fucking hurt me all over again, AND me like a big ass fucking idiot, fell for it, and let this shit happen all over again. Granted, I will never heap COMPLETE blame upon a person if I've also done something wrong. I'm very much guilty of behaving in a flirtatious manner that can in one instance, be entirely misconstrued, and in a completely different instance, be seen as justified. I've never been one to shy away from accountability. I can stand on my own two and state that I did flirt with a couple of women. I cant lie nor will I since there's really no point in it all. But I can say that my reasoning for it is also understandable. It's a simple one. JUST LIKE YOU HAVE ALWAYS FUCKING STATED, you WANT and NEED attention sometimes. JUST LIKE YOU, I'M THE SAME FUCKING WAY!!! What? Because I'm a fucking man that means that I don't wanna be paid attention to or just shown some fucking affection?! It means that I wouldn't want to just cake up with you whenever the fuck I can?! KNOWING ALL THE FUCK THAT I DO ANYWAY AND I'M STILL TRYING TO MAKE TIME FOR YOU?! WE WEREN'T EVEN TO-FUCKING-GETHER AND I WAS STILL MAKING TIME FOR YOU LIKE YOU WERE THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING THING THAT WAS GOING ON WITH ME...BECAUSE YOU FUCKING WERE!!! YOU WERE ALL THAT I WAS FUCKING THINKING ABOUT AND YOU WERE ALL THAT I WAS CONCERNING MYSELF WITH, SO OF FUCKING COURSE I WANNA FUCKING TALK TO YOU! 

Oh and here's something else, since all you wanna do is hold me to ONE fucking mistake that I've made toward you that you can LITERALLY count on your finger that I've made toward you. FUCK ALL THE TRANSGRESSIONS  YOU'VE DONE TO ME. YES LET'S JUST FOCUS ON THE ONE GODDAMN THING THAT I'VE DONE TO YOU! You want to know the REAL reason that I didn't immediately ask you to be my girl right after you broke up with B? BECAUSE I FUCKING KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOUR DAMN SELF!! I know your propensity to jump into another relationship after exiting the previous one. I know how that shit plays on you and how I know how you reacting to certain things in the new relationship that you had just gotten into. You tend to fucking react to shit like it's the last dude without understanding why the hell he did it? Just relaxing and spazzing out without listening! Like I told you the last time I talked to you, which is looking more and more like the last time, I told you that you need to find yourself and recover who you are. You've been defined by every relationship you've been in, but not who the hell you are as a person. I get that. I told you that. I WANT that for you. I want you to find yourself, I want you to be able to say this is who the fuck I am and I don't need a man to define me. I hope that you gain all that empowerment and you can use it to better yourself even more. If you need me out of your life to do that, so be it. If my departure from it helps you to recover that, I'll gladly throw our 8 year friendship away to make sure that you're the best person that you can be. If that isn't required, THEN JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME!!! SAY HI, CHECK ON MY FUCKING RIB, I TOLD YOU I BROKE IT, REMEMBER?! OR DO YOU JUST NOT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE?! YOU WONT FUCKING RESPOND TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING AND THAT SHIT HURTS MAN!! YOU'RE CONSTANTLY DOING THIS SHIT TO ME!!

AND THEN YOU GOT THE NERVE TO LET SLIP FROM YOUR FUCKING HEAD THAT I DIDN'T FIGHT HARD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! THAT'S ALL I'VE BEEN FUCKING DOING SINCE THE MOMENT I FUCKING MET YOU!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE HAD TO SWALLOW MY FUCKING PRIDE AND BEG YO ASS TO FUCKING BE WITH ME!! DEAD IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, BEGGING YOU, BUT YOU DON'T REMEMBER IT...YEA OK. WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T A GROWN ASS PROUD FUCKING MAN BEGGING JUST TO GET YOU TO BE WITH HIM ESPECIALLY IN REGARDS TO THE FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES YOU WERE GOING THROUGH AT THAT FUCKING TIME!!!

MAN I'm fucking wasting tears as I write this shit and I'm fucking tired of wasting tears on this shit and on her when it's been proven time and time again and over and fucking over and fucking over. You don't give a damn about me. You don't love me. Never did. I was nothing but a fuck to you. Normally, I couldn't get mad at that because that's what fuck niggas do to women anyway, but that's where the problem lies. I was NEVER and WILL NEVER BE a fuck nigga, and I put you on a pedestal and treated and made you feel like a queen. Spoke worth into you and never once took you for granted and ALWAYS wanted the best for you. I still fucking do. I just now realize, you don't give a damn about me and that's the shit that hurts the worst....

The Road to the Night

October 30. It's the day before Halloween. Everywhere all over the country and this side of the planet, kids and adults are making their last minute preparations for All Hallows Eve. Getting their costumes together. Making plans to go trick or treating, preparing the routes for the houses to hit. Everyone is absolutely excited to be something different for one day. In Detroit, the night of October 30 had a different and deadlier meaning. Devil's Night. Devil's Night has a infamous meaning in the inner city of Detroit by being a night that's filled with absolute anarchy, destruction, arson, and vandalism. It's declined drastically since the turbulent days of the 80s and 90s, but there are still those that still long for the chaos and the calamity that the 80s and 90s brought.

I gave that backdrop to start it this way. My late cousin and my first sensei, Vashawn, is originally from Detroit. He survived the rough times of Devil's Night, especially a particularly brutal one in 1994. But he was also a part of some of the destruction and chaos of those times also, so it was kind of funny that he would introduce me to a little of that world and me being my wide eyed, easily influenced self, I was hooked. It was almost like the anarchy of the night was calling out to me, just hoping that I would answer (foreshadowing lol).

I said all that to say this. Devil's Night has had 2 COMPLETELY different meanings to me. The first was just me going out and causing all sorts of destruction and chaos with my friends. Blowing up shit, being absolutely crazy, and just having fun with my friends (DISCLAIMER: I only blew up junk cars, I didn't go all out and try to fuck up people's homes and cars that they were still using). The second turned into something that became something of a hunter's mission. After Vashawn was murdered back in 2001, I honestly didn't know how the hell I would carry the hell on. I was already distraught as fuck, extremely sad, absolutely filled with rage, and deadass wanted fucking revenge. I honestly think that fate had something to do with what happened next because as I was dealing with that and wondering what I was gonna do with the rest of my life, I started going through some of his stuff, just remembering all the things he did in them, and that's when I came across the very thing that changed my life moving forward and gave my anger meaning and a medium. I came across a VHS tape of his (old as dust, I know) called The Crow. I was curious and decided to watch it and I put the tape in. INSTANTLY, I related to it. Situations may have been different, but the overall point was the same. Someone that I loved was murdered and a part of me died with that (the movie didn't really hit home for me truly until 2003 when Sonya was murdered.). The movie made so much sense to me and it gave me a great way to go and get revenge. To see his blood spilled. An eye for an eye. It became my mission, my purpose.

Fast forward 16 years, and here we are. On the verge of another Devil's Night. On the verge of another choice. Do I go out with my friends and just be a crazy ass that only damages things that have no value anymore? Or do I go out again this year hunting the new target that's threatened my life in the midst of all his bravado? There wasn't suppose to be a target this year until he decided to make himself known. This is my conundrum. I know what everyone feels like I should do. But this is different. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do this about this decision, but I do know that it needs to be made before the Night is upon me. I do know for sure, whatever I do choose, this year's Devil's Night is a crossroads in my life and this year, it will be very telling for my life moving forward.

The Day of Black Moon

Today, I will be remembering a day that drastically changed my life. I'm not entirely sure that I've written about this before, but just in case I haven't, I will because it ties into the other things I wanted to get out in this entry also. September 26, 2003 is a day that will always stick with me the most because it's the day that I watched the first great love of my life get shot 5 times in front of me and 6 hours later, die in front of me. Sonya Marie Washington was truly one of a kind. The most hilarious, goofiest girl you've ever encountered. The one always wanting to dance and twerk to whatever song she figured she could, she even tried to to Mozart one time. THAT was funny as fuck. She was competitive as fuck, kinda expected since she ran track. She was a DAMN GOOD athlete and fast as fuck (we gave her the nickname Sonic). She had the most beautiful, most selfless heart. It didn't matter to her, if she had it and was able to help, she did it and gave it (a trait that I'm thankful rubbed off on me). All of this isn't even a credit to how absolutely BEAUTIFUL she was. Like drop dead stunning. I'm absolutely convinced that woman was created from the DNA of the most beautiful women that ever lived. I explained all that to set up how completely devastating it was watching all of what unfolded before my eyes and the end result of it.

I'm pretty sure anyone that reads this can attest to the emotional heartbreak of losing a loved one, but I'm not sure how many can attest to the breaking of your heart and soul to watch them die in front of you. Watching something like that and not being able to do a single thing about it is a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy ever, and anyone who knows me knows I've wished a lot of things on that dude. But I wouldn't have wished that on him, even though he was the one that caused this. I would have never known that on September 26, 2003, my life would have taken the dark turn that it did. For those that don't know, Sonya was gunned down 5 times in the chest on that day, right in front of me as we were walking back to her house. I didn't know what the long reaching impact of that day would bring until a couple of years later, but I do know that the immediate impact of it was something that absolutely kept sticking a knife through my heart as the seconds, minutes, and hours kept slowly dragging.

I can barely remember the day at all. The only thing I do remember about the day is our journey to the Lakefront. Had I known that would be the last time that I would see her there and us enjoying our spot, I would have definitely made it a lot more romantic and a lot more memorable than it was. After the walk across the Path of Fate (that's something for another entry), we got to the train station and boarded for the trip home. After getting off on our stop and walking home, all we did was just share laughs and hugs and talk about what we were gonna do for Saturday (The Day of Black Moon took place on a Friday night). As we were walking down the block to her house, a black Pontiac Grand Prix pulled up on the side of us and let off 9 shots. Nothing but instinct and adrenaline kicked in as I tried to jump in front of the bullets to protect her. I got skinned by one of them. The car reversed back toward us and started firing off again. I felt like I was stuck in a fucking tar pit or quicksand because I couldn't get back up in time to try and shield her again. I was helpless as I watched her take those 5 bullets in her chest. I saw the car back up towards me and the assailant in it smile hard at me. I heard that son of a bitch yell from the car, "NOW WE'RE EVEN BITCH!!" I instantly knew who the fuck it was and wanted nothing more than to kill him right then and there, regardless of the fact that I knew I couldn't catch a speeding car and that I needed to tend to Sonya and keep her breathing and alert enough to get her to the hospital.  From that moment on, it felt like life moved EXTREMELY slowly. Seconds felt like hours, minutes felt like weeks, hours felt like years. I remember me panicking and losing my absolute damn mind. I saw her brother, Eric, walking up and as soon as he recognized it was us, he sped his way to us. I'm usually calm in hectic situations. It's how my sensei taught me. It's all I knew. But I never expected to encounter that. I never expected to be holding my bloody girlfriend in my arms. I yelled at E to get an ambulance and let their family know what was going on. I tried whatever I could to just keep her talking to me and breathing. Talking about the goofiest shit that I could think of, thinking about gay hot dogs, what the fuck was the meaning of that damn heart ring from Captain Planet (that was an actual question that I had and that me and her have discussed at length before), just anything that I could to keep her talking to me until the ambulance arrived. Luckily, we didn't have to wait that damn long for it to arrive.

That night was EASILY and FARAWAY the longest night of my life, bar NONE. I had to sit there and watch helpless as she fought for her life. Those grueling 6 hours were the longest, most trying, most angering, and most saddening I've ever experienced and I had just saw my cousin murdered in front of me 2 years prior. The only time that I left her side was when she wanted to talk to her family for a minute. I didn't know it at that time, but she was preparing to say her goodbyes to us. I'll never forget just listening to her mother cry in that room and just saying how she didn't want her baby to go. That was absolutely world shattering. She asked me to come into the room and I was trying my absolute damnest not to cry and to just tell her that things will be OK. To this very second, I've never forgotten every single word of the last conversation I've ever had with her.

Sonya: "Hey, my love!"

Me: "Hiya back, babe"

S: "How you holding up?"

M: "I'm fine, I know you're gonna get better and get out of here soon."

S: "Liar." (she smiled)

M: "I'm serious, I know that you're getting through this. I know how strong you are." (tears at in my eyes)

S: "There's something I need to say to you."

M: "NO! I don't wanna hear it! Tell me when you walk out of here because you're gonna pull through this!"

S: "I know, I know I am, but I still just want to tell you this because it's something that you need to know and I wouldn't feel right if I couldn't tell you right now."

M: "OK. Go ahead and say what you have to. I'm listening."

S: "OK. You need to know how much I love you. I have since for as long as I can remember. Ever since we were kids, I would always ask my mom if she could take me over your house to play or if you could come over here. I would constantly be bugging her to see you. When we moved to Jacksonville, it broke me that I thought that I would never see you again. It depressed me for a while to know that I couldn't be around you anymore. Everything just felt out of place without you being there. My dad told us that we were moving back home only to not find you. I remember talking to Ms. George about where you were and she told me that you had moved to Chicago, that shattered my heart like crazy. Then when my dad gave me the greatest news that his job was moving us to Chicago and how hard and how loud I screamed with joy. Then I saw you again for the first time in years, I thought my heart was gonna explode out of my chest! You don't remember the time we first saw each other again and I quickly ran and jumped all over you to hug you?"

M: "Yea I remember you doing that."

S: "You don't know the happiness I had seeing you again. That was the moment that I truly realized that you were my soul mate and that I couldn't be without you, no matter what. All of the good and bad moments that I've had in my life, you were either there or I was wishing that you were. Every single time that I look in your eyes, I see your best self, no matter if you can see it or not. I see the man that you aspire to be. I see my husband in your eyes. I see the love that you have for me. I see how beautiful your heart is and how much of a selfless person you are. I need you to keep being that person. Never let your heart turn cold. Don't let how I am right now hardened you to the point that you don't let anyone else in again. Baby, I love you so much. You mean the absolute world to me and I want the absolute best for you, whether I'm here or not.

M: "SONYA STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!! YOU'RE GONNA PULL THROUGH THIS! I KNOW YOU WILL! JUST KEEP FIGHTING BABY! KEEP FIGHTING!" (absolute bawling at this point)

S: (crying herself) "Come here (grabs my hand and interlocks hers in mine). This is our bond. This is us and has always been us. Since the moment we were introduced by our families until this very moment right now. This is us, now, always, and forever. Nothing and nobody can break our bond, Lincoln. It's always been us against everything and it always will be. I love you so much and I promise you, nothing will ever take you away from me. (gives me the last hug that we will ever share). I love you baby and I always will. Now and forever."

M: " I love you too, baby" (crying my ass off)

As I let go of her and just watched her peacefully drift off to sleep, the heart monitor started to flat line, I IMMEDIATELY lost my shit and started yelling out for each and every doctor that I could find. They flooded her room instantly, trying to resuscitate her and bring her back to life. They fought hard for what was an eternity, but in real time, was only 17 minutes. They stopped while the flat line sound continued to keep going. We all heard them call her time of death, 1:04 AM on September 26, 2003. A lot changed for me that night. The world got a lot darker without one of the biggest lights that made it light up in a way that everyone noticed whenever she interacted with someone. Her death was the catalyst of a terribly long war that shouldn't have ever happened. Her death caused so much pain, anger, sadness, destruction, and bloodshed, so much of it that didn't need to happen. Shawn's and Sonya's death were completely unnecessary and, regrettably, sparked the impetus of something that shouldn't have been an issue; all over and because of a woman. (Rest peacefully Monica) Sonya Marie Washington, your presence in this world is sorely missed. Your light is incredibly missed by this world. So many people miss and still miss you to this day. I'm one of them. There's not a single day that goes by that I don't think, miss, and wish you were here right now. There are certain days where I just wanna break down because I miss you so much, I miss your touch, I miss hearing your voice, I miss you just saying it's gonna be OK and it's gonna get better. I will forever hate that dude, regardless if he's dead or not, I will ALWAYS hate that son of a bitch. I can't change what happened, as much as I want to, but I can say that I'm so thankful for you. I'm thankful for my time with you, I'm thankful for all the memories that we shared together. I'm definitely thankful for everything that you've shown me and opened me up to. I'm sorry, infinitesimally sorry that I lost you, and that shit hurts me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! But I'm so happy and proud to have known you and it's because of you, that I'm a better man and it's that part of your influence that continues to help me become better and better, every single day.

Thank you for walking this earth, Sonya Marie Washington. This day is in remembrance of you, your life, and your beautiful spirit which still continues to influence all who know and love you.

"I love you baby, and I always will. Now and forever."  -S

When Will the Great War End?

What do you do when you're full of rage?

What do you do when you feel loneliness knocking at your door again?

What do you do when you feel the uneasy feeling of doubt just creeping into your mind again?

What do you do when depression comes challenging you to another fight and you're just not in the mood to?

How do you respond to these things?

What do you say?

Where do you go to deal with these things?

Who do you turn to?

When is the right time to deal with this shit?

Why does it wanna come about when things are starting to becoming better?

Why does this happen?

I wish I had the answer to most or all of these questions, but the only thing that I can say is, I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with these things. I'm tired of getting into regular fights with depression. I'm tired of constantly feeling lonely even though there are people that I know that love me. I'm tired of constantly being reminded of my failures and how much of a dark, monstrous person that I used to be and sometimes, still am. I'm tired of constantly fighting to just stay happy and sane, only to constantly be ganged up on by the demons of my past.

To be honest, I just want to go to a cliff, take one last look at the beauty that nature offers and simply jump. Jump into that dark abyss. Jump into the place where I don't have to worry about bills. Where I don't have to worry about adult shit. Where I can go and everything is over. No more worries, no more fights with depression, no more fights with just simply trying to be happy. Yea I know I'm talking about suicide. Wouldn't be the first time and it probably wont be my last, but it's currently how I'm feeling. I don't feel the need to take my life yet, but I do sit here and contemplate on why I should keep living in this terrible world. All I do is constantly fight with my mind. ALL I do EVERY. SINGLE. DAY is fight with myself. The constant war that's in me is tiring. Me trying to reconcile my good side with the dark. It's a tiring thing to keep constantly trying to fight off my thoughts. Fighting off the thoughts of revenge, death, destruction, sorrow, sadness, suicide, and the like. The thoughts of being trapped in my own head and knowing that the Joker is doing all the things that I think about in the back of my head coming to the forefront. It's absolutely maddening. I don't know when the war will end, but I think the executive decision to enact Order 23 will finally be the very thing that finally brings me peace.

A Changing of the Guard

I've had an interesting weekend to say the least. After a up and down Saturday that was literally all over the place, things took an interesting (to put it EXTREMELY lightly) on that early Sunday morning. I was doing a favor and basically just hung out with a friend that I haven't in a very long time. About the time that I was getting ready to leave, we heard a knock on the window, and some goofy ass 40+ year old who has been stalking a soon to be 25 year old was talking all sorts of stupid ass nonsense and dumb shit. Normally, it was just fucked up noise and a lot of BLAH BLAH BLAH, BUT the moment that he decide to threaten me and told me to come outside and come see him and that he would beat my ass and fuck me up, SHIT I WAS FUCKING READY!!

The nigga was talking MAD greasy, so I figured the pussy wanted to knuck with a dude. So I walked my happy go lucky ass outside ready to put this nigga's brain all over the pavement. Soon as I stepped out the door, a giant resounding ass NOTHING. No dude standing there ready to fight, no semblance of any kind of fact that he was there, no nigga that was talking all that fuck shit about him ready to fuck my life up. I walked to my car and did a whole circling of the parking lot looking for this nigga car, ready to drag his out of it and show his punk ass what he won. I've NEVER seen anybody disappear that fast. THEN this dude had the absolute NERVE to call her phone and get on the phone talking all sorts of fuck shit. Didn't say a damn thing coherent, STILL saying come see him and he gon fuck my life up, yet I'm the one who showed up to the fight and he's at some safe location talking all sorts of shit! Saying come see him, saying suck his dick, saying I ain't shit and that I'm a pussy, but I'm the one in the parking lot waiting to find him, going up to cars to see if this nigga laying down in it talking shit, scared knowing that if I get my hands on him, I'm doing my damnest to make sure his fuckboy looking ass wouldn't walk correctly again. He was saying that he could see us and that I wasn't shit but the nigga wasn't trying to pull up and I'm still in my combative ass stance ready to get just one symbol of him trying to pull back up to where we were and get to fucking his life up. Needless to say that he never showed, and after talking to the police to explain what the fuck happened, my vengeful ass STILL went looking for his ass.;

I said all of that to say this. While I was looking for his ass, I let a friend of mine know what the fuck was going on and what that possibly meant for me if shit went south. Looking back at it, she said a bunch of real, true shit that I absolutely need to stop doing. She pointed out that I need to stop taking on the cares of this world and the issues of people that wouldn't do the same for me if the roles were reversed. I need to stop being the crutch to people who are very much willing to just let me be that and are the same ones to disappear if/when I have an issue or issues that are bothering me. Anybody can say that they would be there for you when everything is good with you and you're smiling. But who will be the one to step up and actually TRY to help you when you're down and you're going through a ton of bullshit? Who will be the people that will actively jump to your rescue as you have constantly done for them so many other fucking times? Who the fuck knows, but I can tell you that I can give a fuck less anymore. As my friend told me, I need to worry about myself first. I need to take care of me first and then when I can, help out others. All people do is come to me when they want something or they need me to do them a favor or they need something from me. WHY?! Why do y'all only see me as someone who can only do for you? WHY?! Why is that y'all only need me when your 1st option fucks you over (because more often than not, I've told you that was gonna happen)? Why do y'all always feel the need to tell me that I need to calm down and do this and do that, but I can NEVER count on anybody to just be there to listen to me and just let me fucking vent. Of course, people will say, "Of course I'll be there for you!" OK, if you are, PUT THE FUCK UP OR SHUT THE FUCK UP! I can LITERALLY count on my hand how many people will truly do something to make sure that I'm OK and it's only 4. ONE OF THEM CAME ALL THE WAY FROM ST. LOUIS to make sure that my sanity was still intact. 

This was mainly an entry to just get all this shit out in the open and just talk about that all that shit without it consuming me, but on a deeper level, this is the start of me trying to fight my better nature. It might be a futile thing to do and I've also been told that I shouldn't be doing that in the first place, but fuck it, the shit needs to be done. I need to stop letting myself be taking advantage of and taken for granted by people who aren't willing to put the same energy into me that I'm willing to put into them. I should have stopped that shit a long time ago, but hey, better late than never.

Lincoln vs. Blade

"Have you danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?" A question that would probably not make any kind of sense to you, but to a demented son of a bitch like me, kinda makes a lot of sense. While that line is from the 1989 film, Batman (one of my personal favorites), it's something that I've carved a bit of a niche with. See, I'm a hunter and from time to time, I like to go out on the hunt. Now the difference between traditional hunting and my version is that I don't harm any prey of the lower rungs of the Animal Kingdom. I stick to the top of the food chain, where the species Homo Sapiens resides. YES, I GET A FUCKING THRILL OUT OF HUNTING THE FUCK OUT OF HUMANITY!! UNLIKE HUMANS THOUGH, I choose not to kill my prey. I don't even choose to harm them. MY version of hunting is just a simple test of my ninjutsu skills that I've been training with for the last 16 from my sensei. I've worked different elements into my hunting style that has definitely given me an edge over my prey since 2008.

Why did I even mention this in the first place? A couple reasons. The first and foremost being that I WANNA FUCKING HUNT!!! I wanna be out there in the concrete jungle. I wanna hunt in the midst of night with rain falling down all around me. I wanna tag my prey and try to catch up to them and "capture" them in the midst of honing my skills should the need arise for them later on in the future (1 of the mottos that I live by is "Chance favors the prepared mind."). The second reason is because I want to be able pass on these same skills to my children and so on and so forth, thus ensuring my legacy and legend forever lives on.

The 3rd and probably most personal reason why I mentioned it? It gives me a chance to journey inwards of myself. I and those who know me have LONG known about the second presence that inhabits my body and the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind. It gives me the chance to talk to the Joker that's in me. It gives me a better understanding of my triggers and what causes me to blackout and why I always come to with the news that I've committed some kind of unwanted destruction without my realizing it. It gives me the chance to understand that side of me and helps me in better controlling that aspect of me.

ALL IN ALL, I've always known that I'm a batshit crazy bastard. I'm the first to admit that I have issues and that I'm trying my best to deal with them and better understand them so that I can become that much better and reduce the number of relapses. I know I have my shortcomings, but I'm man enough to look myself in the mirror and look anybody in the eye and admit that shit. Can you do that?

My Last Mistake

The last time I wrote on my blog, I was a 26 year dude with a hell of a lot of life experience, but still had a LOT to learn about life, love, heartbreak, and all of the like that life loves to throw at you when you're least expecting it. I definitely can say that looking back on the last 4 years of my life, I've definitely learned a lot and now that I'm in Decade 3 of my life, I do look forward to seeing what lessons life can teach me during this stretch of time, at least until I decide if I want to execute Order 23 at year 39, but that's something different for another day.

Anyway, I was sitting here listening and playing my guitar along to a song from my second favorite guitarist, Mark Tremonti, listening to his album, Dust (if you're into rock music, I highly suggest you check it out, but I digress). It's a certain song that's one of my favorites on the album, but after the day that I've had today, it's definitely stuck out a little bit more than usual in my head. Over the hard, thrashing rhythm, a couple lines in the song were able to reach me today and really make me think about a part of my life that I'm dealing with right now. The lyrics that hit me are as follows:

You provide the loss that builds inside me
Dreadful every time you wake
You're my reason why
You are my last mistake

THE FUCKING WORDS OF THIS PART OF THE SONG MAN!!! I've been dealing with this issue for the last couple of years and quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being a stupid ass man. I'm sick of chasing after fucking women who say they want me, but their fucking actions don't line the fuck up with the bullshit they're kicking. This is in no means to say that all women are like this. Frankly, it's usually the other way around and I have absolutely no issue with admitting that men are trash when it's proven to be true. I have no issue with admitting my own shortcomings and the things that I also need and want to change about myself to become the best version of myself. To reclaim my title as the true Dragon of the West. I know how far I have to go and what it will take, but I also know how far I've come. I know what I've dealt with and the memories and heartbreaks of them are a constant reminder of why the fuck I should never go back. But here I go again, in the same fucking situation all over again. With me allowing myself to be swayed by words. ME allowing myself to be pulled back in again. Me. The same stupid muthafuckin dude that's gonna end up alone again once the rabbit does the disappearing trick down the hole again.

I'm absolutely sick of this shit. I'm fuckin 30 years young and I'm still making rookie ass teenager mistakes. Fucking mistakes that I thought I was passed. That I thought that I learned from. That I thought that I gotten passed and buried, but clearly, I haven't. I absolutely agree with the rapper, Bazanji. I want the fucking world. I want to conquer everything. I want everything I can possibly get from this planet. But I won't be able to if I'm still making these dumbass rookie mistakes in regards to trash ass women. It's like the old hood proverb says, "You'll always lose money chasing women, but you'll never lose women chasing money." I'm done chasing you. I'm FUCKING DONE looking like a goddamn fool for you. I'm fucking done putting myself out there only to be fucking in the SAME position that I've been in before. That shit ends today. You are my last mistake and I'm absolutely DONE making it.

Dragon Rage

Holy fucking hell. I haven't been on this blog in 4 years! So much as happened. So much has changed with me,  to me,  about me, everything! I'm definitely gonna be get back on here again and getting things out that I know that I need to, otherwise I'm probably gonna blow up on the wrong person. I know that it's wrong, but I probably wont care anyway.

Anyway, to back to my return to the blog. Before I took the 4 year long hiatus, the next entry was suppose to be Dragon Reign. If I remember correctly, it was suppose to be about me and how I was coming into a place of truly accepting myself as I am and truly understanding what it meant to really be who I was becoming. Well after the events of today, I'm changing to the title to Dragon Rage. It's been an EXTREMELY long time since I've felt this rage. I haven't felt this way since my daughter died. Like I knew that I couldn't depend on certain people, but when you're the first call that 4 out of the 6 people that you swallowed your pride to call in the first place give you bullshit ass reasons why they couldn't have helped you, you start to look at them different. I literally was told by this girl named, Tiffany (fuck you with a AIDS giraffe dick, by the way) that she couldn't come to help give me a jump was because her boyfriend was coming over to fuck and since he didn't have his key, she didn't wanna miss him. She couldn't help me because, to her, DICK WAS FUCKING MORE IMPORTANT THAN A FRIEND WHO YOU FUCKING CALLED TO DEFEND YOU FROM THE SAME MUTHAFUCKA!! YOU'VE BEEN WITH THIS SON OF BITCH FOR 5 YEARS AND FOR 3 OF THEM, HE BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU AND YOU COULDN'T FUCKING BE BOTHERED WITH ME BECAUSE OF DICK?!?!?!?! FUCK YOU!! I FUCKING MEAN THAT SHIT! PLEASE don't fucking call me any fucking more.

I could get into the other 3, but that shit pissed me the fuck off so much that I don't wanna relive the shit, otherwise, I would definitely go and fuck all of these bastards up. I'm so fucking furious from that shit, but the day continued on to be worse. About an hour after I got my car started, (I had to call my father as my last resort) I got a call from my friend back home in Atlanta telling me that my childhood friend, Paco (his name is Tyler, but we all called him Paco), that I grew up with and was still very close to, had died a few hours earlier. That was a huge ass blow to a day that was already bad and that made it worse. It only got more worse as my cousin called me 45 minutes later saying that my aunt was in the hospital in critical condition because of a heart attack that she had earlier. I literally have had no support, nobody even thinking to try and even see if I'm OK. So the way the way that I look at it from here on out is FUCK! ALL! OF! YOU! MUTHAFUCKIN SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF BITCHES!!! All I know is this. You people showed me who the fuck you were today and honestly, I'm glad that you did. You've shown me that all you wanted to use me. That's OK though. Karma is a bitch and I PROMISE YOU BOO BOO!! You'll receive everything that you've given me 3fold. That's a muthafuckin promise...