A Changing of the Guard

I've had an interesting weekend to say the least. After a up and down Saturday that was literally all over the place, things took an interesting (to put it EXTREMELY lightly) on that early Sunday morning. I was doing a favor and basically just hung out with a friend that I haven't in a very long time. About the time that I was getting ready to leave, we heard a knock on the window, and some goofy ass 40+ year old who has been stalking a soon to be 25 year old was talking all sorts of stupid ass nonsense and dumb shit. Normally, it was just fucked up noise and a lot of BLAH BLAH BLAH, BUT the moment that he decide to threaten me and told me to come outside and come see him and that he would beat my ass and fuck me up, SHIT I WAS FUCKING READY!!

The nigga was talking MAD greasy, so I figured the pussy wanted to knuck with a dude. So I walked my happy go lucky ass outside ready to put this nigga's brain all over the pavement. Soon as I stepped out the door, a giant resounding ass NOTHING. No dude standing there ready to fight, no semblance of any kind of fact that he was there, no nigga that was talking all that fuck shit about him ready to fuck my life up. I walked to my car and did a whole circling of the parking lot looking for this nigga car, ready to drag his out of it and show his punk ass what he won. I've NEVER seen anybody disappear that fast. THEN this dude had the absolute NERVE to call her phone and get on the phone talking all sorts of fuck shit. Didn't say a damn thing coherent, STILL saying come see him and he gon fuck my life up, yet I'm the one who showed up to the fight and he's at some safe location talking all sorts of shit! Saying come see him, saying suck his dick, saying I ain't shit and that I'm a pussy, but I'm the one in the parking lot waiting to find him, going up to cars to see if this nigga laying down in it talking shit, scared knowing that if I get my hands on him, I'm doing my damnest to make sure his fuckboy looking ass wouldn't walk correctly again. He was saying that he could see us and that I wasn't shit but the nigga wasn't trying to pull up and I'm still in my combative ass stance ready to get just one symbol of him trying to pull back up to where we were and get to fucking his life up. Needless to say that he never showed, and after talking to the police to explain what the fuck happened, my vengeful ass STILL went looking for his ass.;

I said all of that to say this. While I was looking for his ass, I let a friend of mine know what the fuck was going on and what that possibly meant for me if shit went south. Looking back at it, she said a bunch of real, true shit that I absolutely need to stop doing. She pointed out that I need to stop taking on the cares of this world and the issues of people that wouldn't do the same for me if the roles were reversed. I need to stop being the crutch to people who are very much willing to just let me be that and are the same ones to disappear if/when I have an issue or issues that are bothering me. Anybody can say that they would be there for you when everything is good with you and you're smiling. But who will be the one to step up and actually TRY to help you when you're down and you're going through a ton of bullshit? Who will be the people that will actively jump to your rescue as you have constantly done for them so many other fucking times? Who the fuck knows, but I can tell you that I can give a fuck less anymore. As my friend told me, I need to worry about myself first. I need to take care of me first and then when I can, help out others. All people do is come to me when they want something or they need me to do them a favor or they need something from me. WHY?! Why do y'all only see me as someone who can only do for you? WHY?! Why is that y'all only need me when your 1st option fucks you over (because more often than not, I've told you that was gonna happen)? Why do y'all always feel the need to tell me that I need to calm down and do this and do that, but I can NEVER count on anybody to just be there to listen to me and just let me fucking vent. Of course, people will say, "Of course I'll be there for you!" OK, if you are, PUT THE FUCK UP OR SHUT THE FUCK UP! I can LITERALLY count on my hand how many people will truly do something to make sure that I'm OK and it's only 4. ONE OF THEM CAME ALL THE WAY FROM ST. LOUIS to make sure that my sanity was still intact. 

This was mainly an entry to just get all this shit out in the open and just talk about that all that shit without it consuming me, but on a deeper level, this is the start of me trying to fight my better nature. It might be a futile thing to do and I've also been told that I shouldn't be doing that in the first place, but fuck it, the shit needs to be done. I need to stop letting myself be taking advantage of and taken for granted by people who aren't willing to put the same energy into me that I'm willing to put into them. I should have stopped that shit a long time ago, but hey, better late than never.