When Will the Great War End?

What do you do when you're full of rage?

What do you do when you feel loneliness knocking at your door again?

What do you do when you feel the uneasy feeling of doubt just creeping into your mind again?

What do you do when depression comes challenging you to another fight and you're just not in the mood to?

How do you respond to these things?

What do you say?

Where do you go to deal with these things?

Who do you turn to?

When is the right time to deal with this shit?

Why does it wanna come about when things are starting to becoming better?

Why does this happen?

I wish I had the answer to most or all of these questions, but the only thing that I can say is, I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with these things. I'm tired of getting into regular fights with depression. I'm tired of constantly feeling lonely even though there are people that I know that love me. I'm tired of constantly being reminded of my failures and how much of a dark, monstrous person that I used to be and sometimes, still am. I'm tired of constantly fighting to just stay happy and sane, only to constantly be ganged up on by the demons of my past.

To be honest, I just want to go to a cliff, take one last look at the beauty that nature offers and simply jump. Jump into that dark abyss. Jump into the place where I don't have to worry about bills. Where I don't have to worry about adult shit. Where I can go and everything is over. No more worries, no more fights with depression, no more fights with just simply trying to be happy. Yea I know I'm talking about suicide. Wouldn't be the first time and it probably wont be my last, but it's currently how I'm feeling. I don't feel the need to take my life yet, but I do sit here and contemplate on why I should keep living in this terrible world. All I do is constantly fight with my mind. ALL I do EVERY. SINGLE. DAY is fight with myself. The constant war that's in me is tiring. Me trying to reconcile my good side with the dark. It's a tiring thing to keep constantly trying to fight off my thoughts. Fighting off the thoughts of revenge, death, destruction, sorrow, sadness, suicide, and the like. The thoughts of being trapped in my own head and knowing that the Joker is doing all the things that I think about in the back of my head coming to the forefront. It's absolutely maddening. I don't know when the war will end, but I think the executive decision to enact Order 23 will finally be the very thing that finally brings me peace.