THERE'S SO MUCH RAGE AND ANGER AND FUCKING CUSS WORDS THAT I WANNA GET THE FUCK OUT OF ME SO BAD!!! LIKE I'M ENTIRELY FUCKING FURIOUS RIGHT NOW!!!
Without trying to lie to you all like I'm a Black preacher, I promise that I'm not gonna be before you long (yes I actually mean it lol). Well...THIS has a been a hell of a fucking few hours. So much said. So much done. So much to pick up from and try to move forward from AGAIN. I'm honestly very disoriented and I'm once again left in a state of I have no idea where to go or what to do. Instead of doing this long, drawn out story, I'll just keep it simple. Guy meets girl 8 years ago. Guy and girl like each other. Guy and girl date for a while. Guy gets cheated on by girl. Guy spends the next 8 years trying to show girl that he loves her. Girl keeps walking away from guy for males who take advantage of her, abuse her, or really does love her, but also knows what he can do and what not to do to get back into her graces again. Guy thought there was a genuine chance with girl this time. Guy once again learns there wasn't and gets his heart broken again by Girl.
It's been an entire emotional roller coaster since it all started back in 2009, but once again I'm the one that's standing on the side holding every one's stuff while they get to ride the ride. Because I've been reflecting for the last hour or so, I can see how people on the outside looking in would say that I'm stupid as fuck. I keep running back to a woman who continuously keeps hurting me and I didn't care how I looked. I loved her deeply and I didn't think about how crazy I would end up looking, even though I knew the end result. Here's the thing with me. I tend not to give up on people. People that I KNOW that I should have given up on a long time ago. For all of my darkness and the fact that I'm so cold and distant, one of my best friends, Danielle (sorry Snoopy, I just wanted to write your name knowing you don't like it ha ha), read me like a book. I am a LOT kinder and a LOT more loving than I give myself credit for because I do have a long history of going cold and completely isolating myself from love and from people. I also have a history of going completely out of my way and giving my last or dealing with issues of people that don't concern me in the slightest, but yet I'm there trying to resolve it. I hate that I'm like that sometimes because it definitely comes out more for those that don't deserve it because I'm trying to earn their love and affection.
Now for the moment of truth. The person who caused all of this to happen. The reason that I'm writing this entry right now. Delnisha. There's so much anger and rage that I wanna direct towards you. There's so much hurt that needs to be dealt with. I want to hate you and burn your existence from my mind and every single trace of you that's ever existed to me from the moment I met you in May of 2009 to what just might have been the last time that I talk to you ever again earlier today in 2017. I want to say so many negative things. I simply cant. I don't want to. I love you and I'm sure that I'm always going to also. I'm probably a damn fool for still loving you, but here it is. Me putting it out in the open for the world to see for the first time since we've known each other. I love you, Red. I always have and I always will. There's nothing that I've never not done for you. You could call me in the middle of the night crying or just needing to talk and you know that I would answer. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for you. Maybe that means I'm a fucking dumbass. Maybe that means I'm sprung. Never been one to care for what people thought of me and I don't plan to buck that trend right now. I simply love you, Red. As much as I want to be extremely angry with you, no matter how justified it would be, I simply cant be. As much as I want to hate you, no matter how justified I would be, I just cant. This is how much I love you. I love you enough to once again let you go and go love the man that you do, only for a fleeting glimpse of hope that you'll return to truly be mine once and for all. I really felt like this was gonna be a scathing and rage filled entry with me cussing you smooth the fuck out, but I chose to write what was in my heart and in my heart, there's still an immense love for you. I want you so bad and I want you to be mine, and as much as it will be wrong of me to hope you fail again with him, I truly do hope that you work it out with him for whatever time y'all on now. I couldn't NOR WILL I EVER wish ill of any relationship that you ever get into. Even if you block me from every single social media and your phone, I will never stop loving you. I'll just honor your request to simply leave you alone. I wrote a handwritten letter for you with the hopes of one day giving it to you, but it looks like that day will never come. Probably for good this time, but still, I have it. I wish you the best and the happiness that you deserve. I do want you to know one more thing and you can never, ever doubt this again. If this doesn't prove that I was fighting for you every single second since I first met you, then nothing ever will. It's all I've ever done. I'm just sorry that my efforts weren't enough.
YEAH....sorry. I knew that I passed my time, but I knew that needed to come out.
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