Let me explain that. Not in the fact that I'm emotionally retarded or anything (even though I do have my moments), but I realized that I've been doing relationships completely WRONG. I've had my times where I KNOW I've had my fair share of fuck ups, downright dirty moments, and where I completely didn't give a fuck at all, it's exactly what I do to those who treat me the way that they want to be treated. When you show me that you're all about you in a relationship and you're trying to manipulate me into getting what you want, don't be surprised or even attempt to get mad when you get back the consequences of your actions. But still, those LITERAL 2 times HIGHLY pale in comparison to what I've had to put up when I was loving, kind, giving, nurturing, affectionate, and compassionate.
This is STILL not to say that I don't have my days where I just want to be alone or I'm not feeling the most affectionate or loving, hell I would NEVER expect anyone to just be that way 100% of the time, all day everyday. That's hella irrational and hella unreasonable. But once, JUST FUCKING ONCE, I would like to get back the same kind of effort that I'm putting in. During that epiphany, I realized that I'm doing WAYYYYY too damn much for people that I'm not even with. Like why the fuck am I going completely out of my way to show people that I care about them, make sure they're good, if they need anything, to listen and talk about their issues with them so they can get them out of their system, if I can help in anyway, do it and FOR WHAT?! To not even get fucking acknowledged by them, can't get a fucking text or call back, or them even giving a simple fuck about me? When you decide to recognize my existence, it's all about you or you're doing the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM just to say you've acknowledged me or that you can use it as some way to get something out of me to benefit you.
If it sounds like I'm pissed, I gotta say that I was all the way up until that Saturday night. Like some of the arguments I was getting into were EXTREMELY hypocritical! Like you're gonna argue with me over some fucking TWITTER SHIT (laughable now once I got over the anger and pettiness of it), going all through my stuff and YOUR SHIT IS PROTECTED UNLESS I FOLLOW YOU?! LMAO, like how fucking contradictory is that?! I'm always required to calm down or show you some fucking attention and you cant even do the same for me?! Like you're telling me what the fuck I need to get over and how I need to handle shit, but you turn around and do the same shit, but I'M AT FAULT?! That's fucking laughable as shit (now at least)! Like WHY THE FUCK am I dealing with this kind of shit? There's a simple answer to it. I simply chose to. I simply chose to deal with all that fuck shit just for the chance to one day win affection. The chance to one day feel their love. The chance to one day see that all of that wasn't in vain and that I earned their love.
That's when I realized it. I'm just simply being used. I'm the fall back choice. I'm analogous to the dude that's in a woman's contacts under the name "Free food nigga" or "Free date nigga." That's the point that I've now reached. Not entirely sure if that's rock bottom or not, but I do know that's pretty fucking low. Like I get it, we've all been burned extremely badly by someone or several people in our past. I'm not immune to that shit myself. My closest friends and some of my family have witnessed absolutely catastrophic times in my love life and some of them have even threatened to fight these women. I've been put through the damn ringer by 83% of my relationships in the past, so I absolutely get it. Love ain't really been the biggest thing that I've been trying to deal with myself. Hell, I cant even remember the last time that I was in love to be honest. It's been THAT long. I've always been honest with myself in knowing that I wont always earn every one's affection. I can live with that. What I CANT accept is women telling me that they love me and that they want to be with me or that they give a damn about me and their actions don't come anywhere close to lining up with the shit they're saying. One of the codes that I built my life around is, "My word is my bond." If I give my word to anything that I say I'm gonna do, best fucking believe it's gonna get done, no matter what it takes or how long it takes. Sadly, I'm also human and I know that I cant always keep my damn word, but that's HELLA FAR AND FEW between. If I cant, I'm gonna be honest and say that I cant, simple. I may suck at communication from time to time, but that's something that I'm gonna always be able to communicate, no matter what.
I also realize that it takes people different times to heal. I completely get that shit. Sometimes, people simply don't. Something so traumatizing happens and it's hard to get over it. I've been there and I'm still there now. I'm starting the process of healing myself and truly learning how to deal with deathiversaries and birthdays better now. I'm also learning how to open my heart up again and to not to close everyone off that doesn't deserve it. I know a lot of people cant do that and I completely understand it. At least I'm realizing as I'm typing this entry right now. I can't help that, but what I can do is continue to love and do what I'm good at. My biggest obstacle is learning how to allow myself to be loved and telling myself that it's actually OK to accept it.
That's neither here nor there though. I think the message that I'm overall trying to convey is that I've been giving my time, energy, and going above and beyond to do husband duties to people who don't give 2 squirts of piss about me, who ain't trying to be with me in the slightest, or only take from me while doing the absolute bare minimum thinking that will be enough for me because I'm simply a man. Like I don't have fucking feelings my damn self or think that I deserve to be treated better or at least with some kind of respect. Life's funny in certain ways sometimes. But it is what it is. Just know that I've learned now how you are. I wont say anything about it. My solution to this is just simple. It's the golden rule. Treat how you want to be treated. Simply put. I'm simply gonna start treating women the exact same way they treat me. If I get full interest and like you actually give a damn about me, best believe I'm gonna give you all of my effort. If you choose to half ass me, you're gonna get the same in return. Just don't say shit about how much you deserve better and you deserve to be treated like a queen. YES! YOU ABSOLUTELY DO DESERVE TO BE TREATED AT SUCH! Just don't kick that shit when you're doing the least and expecting the most because you think you should be treated like a queen. You get what you give. Simple.
Well that's my revelation and my action change for another part of my life. Stay tuned with me as I continue this journey towards finally achieving the goal I've wanted for so long...true inner peace.
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