I Am

My blog up to this point has been EXCRUCIATINGLY personal and mostly my thoughts being typed dealing with the relationship that I was in during that time. It's been incredibly liberating in some instances, but mostly because I was also speaking in terms of things that were happening to me. Rarely did I use this blog to focus on just MY issues. Things that's been bothering me. Things that I am fighting internally. Things that has driven certain behavioral traits in me. I'm gonna take this time to TRY MY HARDEST to admit some of these things. I guess I'll start it off this way: I AM BROKEN!  I am a shell of who I used to be. I'm filled with SO MUCH ANGER AND RAGE! I'm still hurting from watching 7 of the people I've loved get murdered at the hands of a mad man. I am still handling my pain and my issues wrongly. I internalize WAY TOO MUCH because I feel like I cant talk to anyone and I constantly feel like I'm not being heard. I'm always made to feel like I don't matter or nothing that I go through or that I feel matters. I still hide behind my hurt and my pain because I'm afraid of moving on with my life. I'm afraid of the guilt that I'm gonna feel for continuing to live my life and I couldn't save the ones that I promised to protect or that I didn't do enough to protect. This is definitely the biggest one: I'm honestly afraid to be happy because I'm afraid that it's gonna be taken away from me again.

I'm looking at this list of things that I just said and this is the first time that I've said these things about myself out loud and to myself so that I could read them over again. They always say that the first step to solving any problem is recognizing that there is a problem to beginning with. I've always known that there were issues with me and I had and STILL HAVE no issue with admitting them in the slightest. Still, this is the first time that I've said any of this out loud, so I'm finally acknowledging my problem. I desperately want and NEED to fix this about me. It's been hurting friendships that I hold, relationships that I've been in, and affected some of my interactions with my family. I've been in this hole of darkness for a LONG time and it's been more than past time to get out of it and I have a long road ahead of me. I know for a fact that I do have to live with everything for the rest of my life, but I'm FINALLY making myself get myself out of this and move forward with my life. With the carrying out of my last Devil's Night mission, it's been more than enough time to get over the anger that the last decade has brought me. The first step to any problem is admitting the problem right? Well with this entry, this is me taking my first step toward trying to get myself out of the darkness...