The Sonya Remonstration

Anyone who knows me knows that there are certain women that I will always, ALWAYS hold in reverence and high regard. I will ALWAYS love my mother (duh). I will ALWAYS love my Nana (rest her soul). I will ALWAYS honor any woman that I'm with (if I HAD ONE!! Lost the happy, but the happy's back!). There's also 1 more woman that I will always honor and I will go to my grave doing it also. That woman is named Sonya Marie Washington. Anyone that knows me knows the story of her and the tragic way that her life ended. I even recalled the entire thing in my entry called, "The Day of Black Moon." She was the first love of my life and she was murdered in front of me. Those close to me understand how much that day and the repercussions of it stayed with me and how much that's changed my views on the world and how I react to certain situations.

There has been an issue with my honoring of her though. It's always been perceived as though I am still holding on to her and that I am still in love her with even though she's not here anymore. Here's my problem with this. I've never understood why certain women that I've dated have had some kind of issue with her in one form or another. One woman thought that I "completely disregarded her and that I was so hung up on her still when there was a woman who was ready to love me and be there and blah blah blah...*rolls eyes HEAVY*. To be completely honest, she showed a LOT of red flags to begin with and her constant disrespect of her was enough to end things with her, regardless of things that ended up causing our demise anyway. One woman had an issue with me taking her to a spot that I went to with Sonya and viewed it as me thinking about Sonya rather than me thinking about her and me still being hung up on her. One woman even had a damn issue with me honoring her birthday and the anniversary of her death because "she was dead and gone and that I shouldn't be worried about her anymore because, once again, I had a real life woman right there who cared and loved me and who wasn't dead." Needless to say, she almost got the entire soul knocked out her ass for saying that shit, but I simply just left her ass there. 

Here's what I've found out. NO. MATTER. WHAT I've said and done to convince these women that everything was cool and it wasn't as deep as the scenarios that played out in their heads, they still refused to listen to me. Here's a couple things people need to know about me and 14 years that's passed since Sonya was murdered. First things First: 

There's a DISTINCT difference between me not being over Sonya's death and accepting that she's gone and she's never coming back. Here's the difference. I COMPLETELY ACCEPTED THAT SONYA IS GONE!! I KNOW that she's never coming back. I know that I will never be able to see her again. HENCE THE REASON I honor her memory on the day she was born and on the day she died. Just because she's gone doesn't mean that I cant remember and honor the time she spent on this earth. THE WAY she died is something that I may probably never get over because it happened DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME!! I TRIED TO JUMP IN FRONT OF THE BULLETS AND I WAS TOO LATE IN GETTING THERE! That's something traumatic. Something that causes Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm sure there have been things in your lives that's been hard to live down. Imagine how that would feel for me. I don't subscribe to what society says a man should be. I've never agreed with toxic and hyper masculinity and I damn sure don't plan on starting now.

Secondly, I would NEVER take ANYONE to ANY place that me and Sonya shared if I DIDN'T find you worthy enough of going there. I did that shit once to an EXTREMELY ungrateful bastard and I'm still pissed at myself for doing it. I wish I never even let her come even remotely close to her memorial site. There are only 2 people that I've called love interests that have been worthy enough of going to see her site. I hold that place EXTREMELY close to my heart. If I even toy with the idea of taking you there, I give an absolute damn about you. I care about you immensely to do that. To this very day, only me, her family, ONLY 1 of my closest friends, and that ungrateful bastard have stepped foot on her site. I honor the Fallen in my life extremely lovingly and I wont stand for the disrespect of them just like I wouldn't want to show any kind of disrespect to anyone's loved ones either. 

Third. I know there are people in my life who care and love me and just want to be there. Here's the thing and I finally realized what it was when I saw it for the third time. I cant for the life of me figure out why the love interests that come into my life feel like that they have to compete with a woman who's no longer walking this earth anymore. Why?! Why do you feel threatened? What can she possibly do? What do you think she has that you cant get? If I wasn't over her, there's no way that I would waste my time or my money in the pursuit of you. I would just sit by her grave site every day and just talk to her. All day, everyday. Just because she holds a special place in my heart doesn't mean that I'm still holding on to her. It's very much possible to love someone and still move on from them. Hell, you see the shit everyday in relationships now. You can love someone and everything that you shared with them and be able to move on and create new memories with someone else and love them exactly the same. It's not one or the other. 

For the last time. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE OR FEEL THREATENED BY A WOMAN WHO IS NO LONGER LIVING!! As much as I will always love Sonya and what she meant to my life, I will NEVER let that come between a potential relationship. I'm guilty of a lot of things, some of them a tad dark, but I will NEVER be guilty of that. 

So PLEASE!! There's nothing to be threatened by or jealous of. All I'm doing is simply honoring her and her memory.