WHAT DOES LOYALTY AND LOVE MEAN TO YOU?
I'm asking this from a place of curiosity, but I'm also asking this from a place of anger and hurt. Yes, I do experience a lot of it, hell 90% of this damn blog is out of anger and hurt, but this time, it's because of recent anger and hurt. I've mentioned this woman on this blog before and back then, I was furious at her for the actions that transpired. In retrospect, I'm glad that it did happen because like I said then, she made the most adorable, cute as a button, and hilarious daughter from it, but compared to what has transpired lately, that was very much a nice cool walk through the park.
Red is the reason of this blog entry this time because ONCE AGAIN, just like over the last 8 years, I've once again been ghosted and basically left for dead by this damn woman. Once again, this muthafucka has fucking hurt me all over again, AND me like a big ass fucking idiot, fell for it, and let this shit happen all over again. Granted, I will never heap COMPLETE blame upon a person if I've also done something wrong. I'm very much guilty of behaving in a flirtatious manner that can in one instance, be entirely misconstrued, and in a completely different instance, be seen as justified. I've never been one to shy away from accountability. I can stand on my own two and state that I did flirt with a couple of women. I cant lie nor will I since there's really no point in it all. But I can say that my reasoning for it is also understandable. It's a simple one. JUST LIKE YOU HAVE ALWAYS FUCKING STATED, you WANT and NEED attention sometimes. JUST LIKE YOU, I'M THE SAME FUCKING WAY!!! What? Because I'm a fucking man that means that I don't wanna be paid attention to or just shown some fucking affection?! It means that I wouldn't want to just cake up with you whenever the fuck I can?! KNOWING ALL THE FUCK THAT I DO ANYWAY AND I'M STILL TRYING TO MAKE TIME FOR YOU?! WE WEREN'T EVEN TO-FUCKING-GETHER AND I WAS STILL MAKING TIME FOR YOU LIKE YOU WERE THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING THING THAT WAS GOING ON WITH ME...BECAUSE YOU FUCKING WERE!!! YOU WERE ALL THAT I WAS FUCKING THINKING ABOUT AND YOU WERE ALL THAT I WAS CONCERNING MYSELF WITH, SO OF FUCKING COURSE I WANNA FUCKING TALK TO YOU!
Oh and here's something else, since all you wanna do is hold me to ONE fucking mistake that I've made toward you that you can LITERALLY count on your finger that I've made toward you. FUCK ALL THE TRANSGRESSIONS YOU'VE DONE TO ME. YES LET'S JUST FOCUS ON THE ONE GODDAMN THING THAT I'VE DONE TO YOU! You want to know the REAL reason that I didn't immediately ask you to be my girl right after you broke up with B? BECAUSE I FUCKING KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOUR DAMN SELF!! I know your propensity to jump into another relationship after exiting the previous one. I know how that shit plays on you and how I know how you reacting to certain things in the new relationship that you had just gotten into. You tend to fucking react to shit like it's the last dude without understanding why the hell he did it? Just relaxing and spazzing out without listening! Like I told you the last time I talked to you, which is looking more and more like the last time, I told you that you need to find yourself and recover who you are. You've been defined by every relationship you've been in, but not who the hell you are as a person. I get that. I told you that. I WANT that for you. I want you to find yourself, I want you to be able to say this is who the fuck I am and I don't need a man to define me. I hope that you gain all that empowerment and you can use it to better yourself even more. If you need me out of your life to do that, so be it. If my departure from it helps you to recover that, I'll gladly throw our 8 year friendship away to make sure that you're the best person that you can be. If that isn't required, THEN JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME!!! SAY HI, CHECK ON MY FUCKING RIB, I TOLD YOU I BROKE IT, REMEMBER?! OR DO YOU JUST NOT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE?! YOU WONT FUCKING RESPOND TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING AND THAT SHIT HURTS MAN!! YOU'RE CONSTANTLY DOING THIS SHIT TO ME!!
AND THEN YOU GOT THE NERVE TO LET SLIP FROM YOUR FUCKING HEAD THAT I DIDN'T FIGHT HARD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! THAT'S ALL I'VE BEEN FUCKING DOING SINCE THE MOMENT I FUCKING MET YOU!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE HAD TO SWALLOW MY FUCKING PRIDE AND BEG YO ASS TO FUCKING BE WITH ME!! DEAD IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, BEGGING YOU, BUT YOU DON'T REMEMBER IT...YEA OK. WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T A GROWN ASS PROUD FUCKING MAN BEGGING JUST TO GET YOU TO BE WITH HIM ESPECIALLY IN REGARDS TO THE FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES YOU WERE GOING THROUGH AT THAT FUCKING TIME!!!
MAN I'm fucking wasting tears as I write this shit and I'm fucking tired of wasting tears on this shit and on her when it's been proven time and time again and over and fucking over and fucking over. You don't give a damn about me. You don't love me. Never did. I was nothing but a fuck to you. Normally, I couldn't get mad at that because that's what fuck niggas do to women anyway, but that's where the problem lies. I was NEVER and WILL NEVER BE a fuck nigga, and I put you on a pedestal and treated and made you feel like a queen. Spoke worth into you and never once took you for granted and ALWAYS wanted the best for you. I still fucking do. I just now realize, you don't give a damn about me and that's the shit that hurts the worst....
No comments:
Post a Comment