The Dragon Chronicles Book 1, Ch.3...The Darkness Ends

I don't know if I can call it a coincidence that today is December 31st, 2011. It's the last day in the month of December and it's also the last day of 2011. We have finally reached the end of the year and the earth is about to make it's yearly revolution around the sun. It's around this time people make New Year's resolutions as to what they wanna change about themselves in the coming new year. So what's your New year resolution?

In my case, what I simply want is just an end to this year completely and to do what I possibly can to have a better year in 2012. This year has done more than take away everything that I held dear to me. I can say that 2011 was nothing short of the worse year of my life to date. Yeah, I can still say that I'm blessed because I still have my health, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back, but it isn't even about that. I've lost 3 people who meant the most to me and 1 that it seems like I will never return to. All I've heard since the month of May is be still. Be still. Be still. That's all God has told me to do. Be still. Be still. What happens when being still is nothing but torturing you? What happens when you truly have reached the end of your rope and now it's time to give up? What happens when you just cant be still any longer and it's as though God has completely forgotten you and left you where He put you to suffer for good? I know it goes against Him saying that He would never leave me or leave me where I am forever, but it honestly feels like He has and that I just need to give it all up now.

I hate giving up. It goes against my nature and it goes against my code, but honestly, I didn't put myself in this and because I didn't, I feel that I should. Why have You left me here, God? What have I done to You to make You leave me here? I've come closer to You. I'm paying back that which I owe unto You. I've given everything that I have, including myself, back to You. What else is it that I must do? Be still? Why? What other lessons must I learn? What else do I need to do? What else needs to happen? Why? I want Your Will. I want You to guide me, but I need to know why You pulled EVERYTHING from under me. Is it some sin that I've done against You and I haven't repented for? Is it something that I've done that I don't even remember? Why Yahweh? What reason must I continue to be still for? How does this tie to Your promise? My Master, I just want this to end. I want the new version of that which You brought together in August. I want the knowledge, experience, new aspects uncovered over this journey to happen. I want You to hold our hands as we walk with You, O Master.

I can be honest and say that I've faltered sometimes since this has been going on. I've not had all the faith in the world and it's diminished greatly at points. Sometimes, I've thought that the promise wasn't real. Or that I've mistaken it for something else. Or that I might have even made it up myself, but time and time and time again, You've shown that it's come down from You and that You will keep Your word. But what's going on, Master? What else needs to happen? I was told that at the end of the 6 months and during the 7th, things would start changing for the better and they have a bit, honestly.  I know what 7 means in terms of You and I also know what 8 means also. I honestly do hope that 8 WILL signal the new beginning that I've been longing and hoping for and the promise truly fulfilled. I have truly reached my end and I don't know how much longer I can stand. I know You have asked of me not to be anxious or worry, but God, as I am human, that's MUCH easier said than done. I've have been doing it, and I think I've been doing a pretty good job. I know I can never be perfect, but You don't ask that of me. You ask me to try and that I have.

The end is near and I can say good riddance to it. While I've learned invaluable lessons and my person has been changed greatly and drastically, I can still feel the pain and the anguish of all that I've had to endure this year, and for what? A selfish person who refuses to admit his wrongdoings and stay in his blissful ignorance while he cant see that history is repeating itself and that dark and dangerous storm known as Quinn is on the horizon? Another selfish person who took my daughter and her mother, 2 people who gave me a reason to smile? Hard lessons and training? The horrible helpless feeling that I couldn't be there for my love after her accident? The anger, fear, sadness that I felt because for the 1st time, I was truly was helpless. Master, You've taken me through all of this and the 1 thing that all of these events have in common are that they all brought me back closer to You, which is what You've wanted in the first place.

I won't lie and say that I have enormous faith left because I don't. What I still do have though is the faith of a mustard seed, and even with that, I can still move mountains and watch You move on my behalf, to bring glory to the name of Yahweh, to show me Your awesomeness, and to also bring me closer to You. All the things of 2011 come to an end at midnight. Even though darkness is still all around me, I can see that sunrise on that horizon. The time has come to bring me that horizon and enter into Your glory. Praise Your Name, Yahweh...

Rise of the Phoenix

The Phoenix. The legendary bird of rebirth. Everyone has heard of the phoenix and what it does. If you haven't, then something is seriously wrong with you and you need to get back into the world of learning, lol. But to break it down without going into all of the details, it is a beautiful, mythical bird with a 500-1000 year life span and at the end of it, it makes a nest out of twigs and violently ignites itself, engulfing both itself and the nest in flames. It's out of the ashes of the deceased bird that comes a new and young newborn phoenix that rises and starts its life over again. You are now up to speed on the myth that is the phoenix, lol. The point of mentioning the phoenix is for symbolic and analogical use. It's gonna be used for a certain aspect of my life and the fact that it will be reborn soon.

I had to take down my original post like this because it was about remembrance, like something died or is gone forever. But if there's 1 thing that I know and that's been told to me before, by the Revered 1 Himself, my King and Leader,Yahweh, a promise was made to me by Him and He's NEVER gone back on His Word, EVER! Heaven and earth have to fall before Yahweh can lie or go back on His word, so He's gonna keep His promise to me. December 24, 2010 was the greatest day of my life. Only the accepting of YHWH as my Adonai and Savior is the ONLY thing that tops that day. After that, to date, nothing else even comes close. While typing this, I just came to the realization that that day was just the tip of the iceberg. That was Yahweh setting me up for the REAL blessing that the union He created will have since He is at the center of them and guiding their paths.

2012 is on the horizon and the winds of destiny have been changing. I have a feeling that Yahweh's plan will be coming full circle very soon and that which He allowed to happen back in May will fall and end and His Plan revealed, His Glory received and given, His child avenged of the wrongdoings, and the wrong things put right. That which He blessed in Heaven, He will bring back together on earth. I believe it. I believe in it and I know that He will bring it to pass. They had to violently burn all of the old and get rid of all things that weren't them and didn't belong. The coming together of the Dragons is nigh and just like the phoenix of legend, they will be reborn, rise from their ashes, and ascend to fly through the skies with their Master at the center and guiding their path. Just like the resurrected Savior, they too will have the grace of Yahweh heal the all the pain and wrongs and revive their union into something that this world can look at and see how love is suppose to be, feel, look, and be carried out...to Yahweh be the Glory. Rise like the phoenix, dragons, and take flight with your Redeemer in the skies...

The Dragon Chronicles Book 1 Ch. 2...The Measure of A Man

Man. God's most precious and cherished creation. According to the Bible, The Alpha & Omega took a day to craft the first man we know as Adam in His image. It only took a day for that creation to happen and it probably happened a lot sooner than that and God created tons more on that day. But it was that day, that day that Adam first breathed the breath of life. That 1 day to God equates to about roughly 200,000 years ago since Adam was first born. Since then, man has gone through a DRASTIC change. From what Adam was all those eons ago to man now marveling at it's own intelligence (sometimes it's limited) from the technological advancements that he has produced now in the 21st Century. Things have certainly changed, haven't they? I guess the point of this entry is not to discuss how man has changed down through the eons. I think it would have to be how man has changed in terms of thinking and conduct. I could mention how God has blessed man down through the millennia, but that is definitely not where I want to go (yes, God will still be a part of this 1 too, lol).

What do you think of when you think of a man? Are there certain qualities that you feel a man should have? Certain milestones that he should have crossed in order to become 1?  Should he already have certain possessions that would then qualify him to have that title? Think about it for a minute...finished thinking? Good. Now what did you think about? Can you name any good males in your life based of YOUR definition of a man? I read an interesting study where 6 young males, aged 20-26, and mid-life males, aged 35-45, were asked what it means to be a man. It was definitely an interesting read to say the least, but the most SHOCKING part about all of it? Not ONE of them could define what being a man meant PERSONALLY to them. The young males threw out ideas like, getting drunk for the first time, having sex for the first time, being able to vote, going to school, getting a full time job, sexual maturation, and other things. The mid-life males mostly all said that becoming a father was the sense of manhood to them. Now, while this study was of Australian men, it's kinda alarming that NOT 1 of these men could personally recall something that made them a man, or their definition of it at lease. Fatherhood is DEFINITELY a good indicator of that sense of becoming a man, but as this society knows, ANYONE can become a daddy (or the term that's gathering strength, sperm donor lol),  but it takes a male with a solid sense of responsibility and morals instilled in him to be a father. If you were to walk up to any male that you know, do you think that they would be able to give you an answer of what being a man is? Do they use societal standards? Or do they have their own sense of what a man SHOULD be, according to them?

Let's take a look at society's standards of becoming a man. According to American society, a "real man" is suppose to be a consumer and a conqueror. A man of today's society isn't consider as such unless he obtains a certain degree of success, acquired the minimum of money that can be considered worthy of being a man and let his greed mold him into a great man, dated and/or slept with a number of women, the number can also depend on who you're asking, and also acquired the minimum of worldly possessions as possible. Also included are the music of today that reinforce all of which was stated before, the media who also reinforce all of which are stated, and then you have movies, which again, reinforce all of which was just stated. In this society, if you don't have any of those things or done any of those things, you aren't a man and are still left in the boyhood category. The funny, but mostly ironic thing about this is, most of these "men" who have these things and have achieved this level of manhood act like the BIGGEST KIDS on the planet. Everybody ages biologically, but does everyone grow up? Sometimes it's hard to tell. When do you let go of childish things that are so elementary and high school? Some say when you come out of those times. Others say when you become 18, 21, or even 25. But the heartbreaking fact of it all is, there are those 26, 27, 30, and sad to say 40+ males running around with the sense and feeling that they are still in the wet behind the ears, still have a lot to learn teenage years.

Being a man is a LOT more than the things that you can get, have, and go through. It's more than just working to obtain all of these things. And it's even more than having all of them. Being a man is something MORE than just the physical and material. Being a man is learning to accept responsibility that are both asked of you and required of you. It's about knowing that everything ISN'T just about you. Protecting and providing for those that you hold near and dear to you. Being selfless, standing up for what's right, and something important to me, knowing that women are a part, help sake, and equal to a man, rather than someone you can take advantage of, have sex with when your hormones deem so, or treating them like there are just another thing you can get tired of and replace when you get bored. It's about respecting others, even though you may not like them. Doing things that you just shouldn't do by a certain age. It's in these times that the mentor is GREATLY missed. Mentors were always there to straighten their protege. To be an aide on the journey the student was on. To help the student be mindful of the mistakes the mentor made in that same situation and to help them not make those same mistakes. That aspect of life is either totally gone or replaced with something that's either completely false and fabricated that it brainwashes and convinces males of today that this is real life.

The craziest thing about this is that when you do come at a male about things like this, they take it as you're attacking their "manhood." But then the question arises, "How can you attack something that you have no clue about?" "How can you attack something that you don't know how to live?" While yes, there are some things that do give off that sense of becoming a man, the path of manhood is 1 that begins when you come out of the womb. It's a never ending path, sure, but how long does it take before you realize that there are things bigger than you? There are people who should come before you. There are senses of morality that should just be a part of your life. You can make every excuse in the world for why males act the way they do. Hell, males can make all the excuses in the world for why they act the way they do, but the 1 thing that has been missing from MOST males' morality and pretty much vocabulary also, accountability. When is the point that we must stand on our own 2 and take responsibility for the things we have caused, people we have wronged, and those we have hurt beyond belief. When is the point where we try to put the wrong things right? Part of being a man is facing this and striving to do right, regardless of the consequences or the personal loss we could possibly face.

Does becoming a man also mean the loss of the conscience? Does becoming a man mean that moral choices are completely out of the door now and the only 1s that matter are the choices that we make to please only ourselves? I know I'm probably raising more questions than answers, but these are questions that need to be asked. Personally, I honestly know that my path on the journey that is manhood will never be over until I meet my Creator, but I can say that I know there have been things in my life that's happened to me and that's forced and helped me choose the things of trying to become a better man. Protecting those that I love and that I'm loyal to, putting other's needs and wants before mine, caring for my daughter when she was here (Rest.In.Love. Jessyca), ALWAYS keeping my word whenever I gave it, and ALWAYS striving to keep my integrity when there were times I shouldn't have and justified times when I didn't have to, but still CHOSE to do so anyway. Anybody can back up all that I have said, especially 1 (ain't that right, baby? lol). But not to sound arrogant or that I'm the shining example of a man. I DO have my downfalls, selfish times, my anger can get out of control at times, and there are even times that I want to go back to the world of cannabis and alcohol, but I choose not to because of the fact that I AM a changed man. God has picked me up from what I used to be and how my ways were and set me on a path that He deems me worthy of walking in His eyes.

I don't need to hide behind smoking, drinking, success, material possessions, money, or even my girl. I was a man before I ever encountered any of those things. I can say this because I had the right mentors at the times that God allowed them in my life to help with various parts of my life and even God Himself has stepped in and been my personal Mentor for things that only He could have taught me because I had to get it right on the first try. I can sit here and say that my life was a living hell. I can say that my father did some dirty things in terms of raising me. I can say that I've had to experience tremendous loss in my life at a time where I should have been a normal teenager and just beginning to experience life. I had to live it in a totally different perspective and learn the extreme dark side. But because of all of that, I'm not gonna make excuses for it. All I had to do was make a choice. I was either gonna let all that has happened to me define who I am. Or I was gonna rise above it and still choose to be a man, and a good 1 at that, in spite of all that I've been through. I'm not a man because of my circumstances and the things I've experienced. I can stand on my own 2 and call myself a man through my circumstances, choosing to do what was right and take on my responsibilities. It's because of God and the mentors that He gave me that I am who I am today, a man that's still growing and still learning how to do this thing called life. You can use all the distractions that you want to, but the sobering fact is, life will still be here when you get back and you still will have to handle and deal with it.

The fact of the matter is we have a lot of males running around on this planet, but very few men. From here on out, there is no need for another male to call out another male's "manhood." There's only 1 that a male should call out and he's the 1 that you see everyday when you look in the mirror. I can say that I'm a man and I don't need to falter in my definition of it either. Can you say the same thing?

The Dragon Chronicles Book 1, Ch.1...The Way of the Warrior

Warrior. It's a word that is associated with people in war. A word that most people are given when defending their country or anything in relation to battle. People, (usually in the media), have gone on to use the word in the realms of boxing, American football, basketball, and even futbol, (soccer for those that are slow like that lol). What do you commonly think of when you think of the word, warrior? I guess I should start this off by what the warrior stands for in this day and age. The dictionary defines the word warrior as such:

warrior - n. 1. a person engaged in warfare; soldier
                  2. a person who has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics

Now in terms of the first definition, I can actually agree with that 1. I can even to a certain degree agree with part about athletics. Then again, I can't. I cant call someone a warrior that's fighting for people's amusement. That isn't what the warrior spirit is about. A warrior fights to defend his country, his family, and those who he has given his loyalty to. No warrior fights for amusement. For the crowd's approval and their cheers and there DAMN SURE isn't a such thing as a warrior in politics. HA! That's a joke. Politics are so shady now, even those who have tight knit alliances with each other are being betrayed left and right and ALL for the greed of money. The way of the warrior isn't just related to battle. It's related to life outside of defending that which you hold dear. The medieval knights knew this. The legendary samurai knew this. Even the honorable military, (GO TROOPS...HOOAH, Semper Fi...and whatever the Navy and Air Force say lol) knows this. The warrior's way isn't just for the battleground. It's something that needs to be upheld in every aspect of life.

After almost losing my mind last night, I needed to be reminded of why the warrior's spirit was instilled in me. God always has a way of bringing me back to where I need to be, whether I want to willingly go or not (if you thought God wasn't gonna be a part of this, kick rocks. I am the leader I am because of the 1 who leads me). He always has a way of igniting things in me that I thought were dead or dying. The warrior is not just a defense of those that he cares about. The warrior is also 1 that realizes there's always a reason why you should stand up for something that's right, even when everyone is against you and throwing everything they can in your way to stop you. I know this ALL too well and firsthand since it's happening to me now. After last night's never ending battle in the war between my heart and my mind, I was about to walk away from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE because I didn't wanna do this anymore. I honestly just couldn't take the pain, the thoughts, the EVERYTHING HAPPENING TO ME AND IT WAS S**T THAT I DIDN'T DESERVE!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (OK just had to get that out lol) But in all seriousness, I almost did lose it and almost lost myself within all of my sadness, sorrow, and anger. But if there's 1 thing God has had a habit of doing to me over these last 7 months, it's bringing me back to the point of where I need to be before I fall too far down.

My Leader always has a way of teaching me new things through the things that I already know, but need to re-learn in a different perspective. Satan is using nothing but fear and sorrow in my life and torturing me with thoughts of you and him in the past and now, Charlize. But honestly, he's only going at my heart and I know it. But the craziest part of it all is that he's never once attacked my warrior's spirit. If I had to guess, I think he realizes it's the 1 thing that he cant break because it was the Lord who put it there and it's unbreakable. It's what God told me that makes this that much more important to me and it's something that I've forgotten because I've haven't had to do it in a while. I realize that He has me here because of something that is greater than me or what I want. That is a DIRECT point in the code that I live by now. This is much greater than me and plus, if anything, He made me a promise in the form of you, baby, before I met you 2 1/2 hours later, so why this eats at me the way it does? If I had to say, it's just that I'm very protective of you and I just wanna hold, and kiss, and love you, and blah blah blah all the romantic stuff that I love doing for you, lol, but that's another time and blog entry (which will be coming soon :D)

Speaking of romance, it brings me to the code that I should have been living by for the longest, 1 that God himself brought me to. The Code of Chivalry. Usually, people think of some long forgotten code on how to treat women that men have forgotten because they're stupid, selfish, only out for 1 thing idiots who cant see the value in a good woman until she's gone. While in certain respects that was acceptable, that really isn't what the code of chivalry is about. I now realize that God has been wanting me to live this in my daily life while ALSO keeping Him first and getting closer to Him. Even though I fall short of all of these sometimes, (sadly, I do bleed and I am human flesh), anybody who knows me can say that I do keep all these things close to me and that I do strive to keep my integrity. The Code of Chivalry states that a warrior (or knight) should strive to achieve:

• Prowess: seeking excellence in all endeavors expected of a knight, martial and otherwise, seeking strength to be used in the service of justice, rather than in personal aggrandizement.

• Justice : seeking always the path of 'right', unencumbered by bias or personal interest. Recognize that the sword of justice can be a terrible thing, so it must be tempered by humanity and mercy. If the 'right' you see rings agrees with others, and you seek it out without bending to the temptation for expediency, then you will earn renown beyond measure.

• Loyalty: Being known for unwavering commitment to the people and ideals you choose to live by. There are many places where compromise is expected; loyalty is not amongst them.

• Defense: Seeking always to defend your nation, your family, and those to whom you believe worthy of loyalty. The ideal knight was sworn by oath to defend his liege, lord, and those who depended upon him.

• Courage: Being prepared to make personal sacrifices in service of the precepts and people you value. At the same time, a knight should seek wisdom to see that stupidity and courage are cousins. Courage also means taking the side of truth in all matters, rather than seeking the expedient lie. Seek the truth whenever possible, but remember to temper justice with mercy, or the pure truth can bring grief. Being a knight often means choosing the more difficult path, the personally expensive one.

• FAITH: A knight must have faith in his beliefs, for faith roots him and gives hope against the despair that human failings create.

• Humility: Valuing first the contributions of others; do not boast of your own accomplishments, let others do this for you. Tell the deeds of others before your own, according them the renown rightfully earned through virtuous deeds. In this way the office of knighthood is well done and glorified, helping not only the gentle spoken of but also all who call themselves knights.

• Largess: Being generous in so far as your resources allow; largess used in this way counters gluttony. It also makes the path of mercy easier to discern when a difficult decision of justice is required

• Nobility: Seeking great stature of character by holding to the virtues and duties of a knight, realizing that though the ideals cannot be reached, the quality of striving towards them ennobles the spirit, growing the character from dust towards the heavens. Nobility also has the tendency to influence others, offering a compelling example of what can be done in the service of rightness.

• Franchise: Seeking to emulate everything I have spoken of as sincerely as possible, not for the reason of personal gain but because it is right. Do not restrict your exploration to a small world, but seek to infuse every aspect of your life with these qualities. Should you succeed in even a tiny measure then you will be well remembered for your quality and virtue.

God definitely brought me to this because these things needed to be restrengthened in my life, especially in regards to faith. I've been fighting my impulsive nature to go out and do things myself on the basis of my Teacher telling me to be still and I can say that it isn't or hasn't been the easiest thing in the world to do. But because My Leader is still teaching me all that I need in terms of what I will need for the next part of my life and my family, I'm still continuing in my spiritual training. God's boot camp is DEFINITELY not for the faint of heart, I can attest to that. You will face things about yourself that you never knew. Things that you've long forgotten and encounter the most terrifying and frightening things of your past and future that you thought you could never conquer or have yet to, but I'm here to say that all of the training that He puts you through and gives you is WELL worth it all. 

The payoff that comes from it is so empowering and so serene that you will be able to take on ANYTHING until God brings you back to training camp for the next big thing to face. I'm glad that I have the best Trainer, Drill Sergeant, Master warrior, whatever you choose to see the Lord as. He is definitely the best teacher I've ever had, the best Leader this world has ever seen and will ever know, and by far the best Master that I've ever known. With God on my side, my training will never be complete, but I will be able to add even more knowledge and skill to myself, while still walking with Him and learning how to be a GREAT man of Him, molded after His heart as He walks with me down the warrior's path...

I Can Never Go Back...But I Can Never Back Down

http://youtu.be/a1HtJ9xZ9pE

I want to go back...back to before this all began...back before I was inadvertently throw into something that wasn't my choosing, something that isn't what I wanted, something that was forced upon me. Over the course of time, the only questions I had were, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why was this brought upon me? I didn't do anything wrong, so why am I suffering and they are thriving? Not just thriving, FLOURISHING!! What did I do to anger you, God? The only answers that I received were, " be still" It was over the course of the same time that I realized, good things happen to bad people. Not because they did some secret thing or that they deep down had some bad lying there. Simply because, with the good that is received, bad times must also follow. It's all a part of the master plan for this. 

To be honest, there have been times I've really wanted to say screw this plan because this was brought upon me for no reason for nothing that I was at fault for. But the 1 thing that I've learned over the course of this time; not my will, but THY will be done. You obviously have a reason and a purpose behind this and I have the promise that You made me back in August of 2010 and I honestly hope that it really was a promise from You that I saw in the 3rd grade all those years ago. That promise is 1 that I hope You bring to me, but I do know that the promise of last year, You will give to me, because You gave me a scripture from Your Book of Truth to back that up (Hosea 6:1). You also led me to Romans 12:19, which is also another thing of You telling me to be still.

All in all, I'm more beaten, bruised, bloody, and broken in this walk than I ever was physically in a 8 year beef with 1 of the greatest adversaries that I've ever known in my life. This has taken more out of me than anything that I've ever known in my life to date. But even in the midst of everything that's been thrown in my path. In spite of everything that they have thrown at me. Regardless of all that's been spoken, yelled, and cursed in my name, I still keep pushing, I still keep walking, I still keep hoping, praying, waiting...KNOWING that I'm that much closer than I've ever been. That much closer to the end. I've already started the walk down the last mile of this and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the tape of the finish line. The only thing I cant do is back down, give up, or surrender my will. On this planet, my knee falls to NO MAN...physically or mentally. 

I am a leader because I know how to follow when I need to and lead when called upon. I am a warrior because I first had to be a student to train with my teacher and get help molding myself. I am a man because I had to learn from those great and not so great male figures in my life to teach me what to do in certain situations and learn from my greatest teacher, my Heavenly Father, on how to truly understand what being a man really means and the life lessons He took me through to train me up (God really did train up His child on the way I should go, lol). Lastly, I AM a king because I first come through the lineage of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords and through Him, I learned what it takes to truly have compassion and love for, while yet being a stern and sincerely honest person through those He put in my charge. Simply, for these reasons I cant go back because I've come so far in my life to turn around. The song truly speaks about this situation but it also speaks about you, my love. Honestly though, it sums up everything that I've been through and that I MUST keep pushing and that I will get to where God needs and wants me to be, both in Him and while I'm still breathing.

The Great King and the Almighty Creator has brought me such a long way on the last leg of the journey, as much as I want to, I know that I can never go back, but with everything that is in front of me, all those counting on me, and the 1 that is in her predicament and wants to come home, I know that my God, my will, and my determination also will never let me back down...

My Prayer...

God, I hope that you can read this, I know you can someway, somehow, but I need you more than ever. I honestly dont know how much more and how much longer I can endure this. I understand the purpose and I understand why, but it doesnt change the fact that it still hurts so much. I know that you hear me when I call out to You, but sometimes, I just feel as though You are so far from me or that You just dont wanna hear from me. I can be honest with myself and say that I do need to do better in terms of our relationship with each other. You're always so faithful and just to me when I'm not and as much as people use it as an excuse, I dont care how much of a human I am, I still dont have any right to do the things that I do. I know I'm not always the best son to You, but I do try. I feel like I'm just being bombarded and bombs are all around me, just exploding every 5 seconds. I dont understand why You would take me through so much pain and anguish. What is this for and how does it help me? I do know that 1 thing that I have learned out of this is that I should and will praise You through the good times and the bad. It seems like the only time that You can ever get a praise out of me is when I'm going through bad stuff and it makes me have to be closer to you. It shouldn't be like that and it wont again. Since I'm typing this, I have a reminder to myself and the circle that I have now will also be there to remind me to praise you in the bad and in the good. You are all I have now and I know that's more than enough. God, I can be honest enough with you that even though I have you, I still have that lonely feeling. I hate that feeling and I hate the tears and the anger that it brings. I just feel so far away from You sometimes. I know that You've never left or that You haven't forsaken me, but I just feel like I'm walking through all of this alone. Every time I thought it was getting better, it went from bad to worse quickly. I know that it can also be part of my perception of this also, but still, it hurts. All I have is Your Promise to stand on, and I can believe that You really did promise me that because Your unbreakable Word and Truth helped confirm it, (with some help from You leading me to it, of course. :D) Hosea 6:1 is the verse that I stand on. I now understand all of what You were talking about in it and the underlying meaning of it and everything that led up to that verse because it's a direct mirror of my life up until it.

Birth of the Next Dragons: CAG

I can say that this has been the most changing, experienced filled, and learning summer that I have EVER had in my 24 years of being on God's green earth. So many things have happened. Things that I was expecting to, most things that I didn't even see coming at all. And there were some pleasant surprises also. All in all, seeing as how the journey isn't over yet, if I had the choice to change everything up to this point, I can definitely say that I wouldn't because this has all brought me back closer to God and reaffirmed in me how to trust Him, listen to Him, and wait on Him; all of those things needing to be COMPLETELY overhauled and rebuilt in Him. I can honestly say that He truly did reveal to me what I'm doing a part of this for and THAT is the reason why I'm typing this entry right now.

A while back, I wrote an entry on my beautiful baby girl, Lilliana Simone. That little girl will grow up to be a virtuous woman who's worth is far beyond the riches and treasures of this world, just like her mother. My Lilli will be a Dragon in her own right, but more importantly, she will be a beautiful princess until she is old enough and wise enough to know that she is royalty and that she is truly a queen. The second entry in Birth of the Next Dragons focuses on her older brother and who he is.

Whenever that day is. Whatever month that it's in. Whenever the year is, the world will stop and take notice when Christian Alexander is born. The world will stand up and gather to see the next king that will take my place after I'm gone. My little Christian has a very special blessing on him, not just because he was the first born of my children, but the fact that he has a very God ordained destiny ahead of him that was revealed to the woman who will give birth to him. Since he will be the first born, he will have the opportunity to learn all the things that he needs to know before his baby sister so he can be able to teach her also. Such things as how special he is, how to be able to lift people up, how to be able to be honest with people who ask him anything. His caring, selfless, giving nature. His ability to be truly genuine and the sincerity that he will speak with (all of these traits coming mostly from his mother for whom we are naming him after). He will be a honorable man when he grows up. The code of the warrior, the honor code, and the code of Bushido will be deeply ingrained into him as they will be needed for him to be honorable in a dishonorable world. Most importantly thought, he will be a true man of God. He will learn to walk with him, talk to Him, pray to Him, trust Him and His counsel, and worship Him. My young prince will be a gifted athlete, doing things that I could never do and perhaps he, himself, didn't think he could do. The trait that I know he will receive from me is definitely being a protector. He will do anything to protect his family, ESPECIALLY his little sister. He loves Lilliana unconditionally and is always around her, playing with her, talking to her, sleeping around her. He doesn't or wont do anything without his baby sister. They will be each other's best friend because they will go to each other about everything they feel they cant talk about with me and their mom (even though will we teach them that they can because we wont or cant judge them). My young prince will be taught to think, walk, and act like a king because that is the lineage that he comes through. Because I am a child of a King in Heaven, that makes me a king on earth and my son will also be 1 because the royal blood that flows through my veins will also flow through his. My son will be 1 of the GREATEST musicians to ever live. His drumming will be greater than mine, Tony Royster, Jr., Spanky McCurdy, JoJo Mayer, Flip Phillips, and a bunch of other drummers that I could name but would be all day on. 

To you my young warrior, I want you to just know this. Daddy loves you SOOOOOOOOOOO much!!! Your mother was right when she said that she saw you every time she looked at me because you do look EXACTLY like me. You are so adorable and so loving as a baby. I can already tell that if you're that loving as a baby, then when you grow up, the love that you have to give will be enormous. I made these promises to your sister and now I make them to you. I PROMISE that I will always be there for you, Christian, no matter when you need me. I will never walk out on you. I will always be there to pick you up whenever you fall. I will always be there to encourage you to never give up. Never surrender. Never say no. As our Savior guides me and instills in me the things that I need in order to keep our family organized and keep you all safe and secure, He will also give to me the things that I need in order to help you in your walk with Him and how to come to Him when you need to or just come to Him period. I PROMISE to be that father that you can look up to and be proud of. A father that you can look at as a role model and a father that also teaches you how to love a woman just as much as I love your mother. Christian, you are a handsome young man and when you are born, you will take this whole world by storm. I love you SO SO SO SO much, my young prince, and your mother and I are excited about the day that you finally come into the world. I will see you when you take your first breath and open your eyes for the first time. Until then, my love, Daddy loves you so much and I will see you when you are born, my son...

Redemption

So much has happened over the last 3 weekends in the month of July, it was just SOOOOOOOOOOO crazy. So much elation and then some down moments. A level of love so hard and so deep that I fell in, I never thought that such a level ever existed and then unbearable, excruciating silence. SO MANY HIGH FEELINGS off revelations and the possibility of new and great things happening, ONLY to be faced with lies and reneging of what was said. The devil is a liar and I say and command that he lets go right now...once and for all and let God be God and let God do the work that deceit, lies, and only outward smoke covered to see the unveiling of the NEW, IMPROVED work of art that the Lord has made. The darkness of the lies will be dissipated by the light of truth. The veil of deception will be torn down with sword of revelation and the outward smoke hiding what is really behind it will be blown away by the true Voice of the Lord and His grace and tender mercy will be shown and Satan WILL and MUST flee.

I can say that I treated a good thing like a god thing and turned it into a despicable thing and THAT'S  a mistake that will NEVER happen again and you can bank on that not happening. To leave you with the Bible verse that completely turned me and yesterday forward around for me is:

"I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." Isaiah 44:22 NIV

The Honor Code

The honor code. It's a code that's been around for centuries. A code that only the most upright and legendary warriors carried with them and was the foundation that they stood on. A code that the noble samurai carried with them at all times and that they held with the strictest honor, which include disciplinary action or even death if the code was broken and it was required that they were to pay that penalty. The code of the warrior was 1 that wasn't broken or taken lightly back in those days. Oh to be living in that time...

Nowadays, it's EXTREMELY, HIGHLY UNLIKELY, and damn near IMPOSSIBLE to see the honor code being carried out in these times. It seems as though no man can truly understand what these values are and how important they are. Seems like nothing is cherished or appreciated anymore. That goes for possessions and also for the people that are in your life, be they man or woman. Nothing is respected anymore. Relationships don't stand for what they used to be back in the day. To put that simple, the definition of a relationship in society's mind today is the acquiring of a new copulation partner. Kinda sad when you come to understand that they mean so much more, but hey, that's how it is in society today.

I can genuinely and honestly say that I'm 1 of the last few of men who carries the code of the warrior and the honor code extremely close to my heart. Anybody can vouch for that and 1 especially can tell you that if anybody embodies those codes, it's definitely me. I live by the code of Bushido, the code of the warrior, and also the honor code as they all pertain to me and if you knew me intimately, you would also know that the things listed in them are me down to a T. So with that being said, let's break each of the codes down and also know that some of them intertwine with the others.

The Code of Bushido

This code is the 1 the ancient samurai warriors in Japan used back in the day and they held it dear to their hearts and also with their lives. Each point states:

• Rectitude - I will use correct judgment at a time where judgment is called for. I will strike when it is the right time to strike. I will do the right thing at the right time. Crooked ways and unjust actions are lowly and inhumane

• Courage - Courage is a virtue only in the cause of righteousness. Sacrificing safety for an unworthy cause is stupidity. I will admit my mistakes. I will sacrifice myself in order to save someone from despair. I will stand on my right decisions.

• Love - Love, affection for others, sympathy, and an excellence of mind and character towards other people are the highest attributes of the soul. I will use love and benevolence to strive for supreme virtues and princely acts. (in my case, kingly lol)

• Respect - Politeness, courtesy, and excellent manners will be a part of my life. Politeness is a poor virtue if it is only actuated by a fear of offending. It must stem from a sympathetic regard for others.

• Veracity - Lying is a cowardly, dishonorable act. My word can be taken as a guarantee of truthfulness.

• Honor - The honorable person is the humble person. Without honor, there is no respect and without respect, there is no honor. Honor is like a scar on a tree, which time only helps to enlarge.

• Rectitude - I will be loyal to my family, my teachers, my fellow students in the art and to those who teach me outside the dojo. I will never forget the teachers who labored for me.

And there you have it. The code of Bushido. I take this very seriously as it has traits about me that are very close and HUGELY important to me and that I uphold with the highest integrity and honor. But that's just the code of Bushido. Let's now look at the next 1, The Code of the Warrior.

The Code of the Warrior

• A warrior always heads into battle with dignity and honor, never with an ego which can cause him shame, embarrassment, or dishonor.

• A warrior always tries to diffuse a problem or potential battle with diplomacy first. Seeking to find peaceful ways to end a confrontation rather than heading foolhardily into a battle.

• A warrior never enters into a battle that he knows that he cannot win. He only stands and fights when there are no other means of escape.

• A warrior shows humility and honor after a battle.

The code of the Warrior. Things that most niggas nowadays cant or wont even attempt to understand because everybody is gassed up on peer pressure or feel that they aren't "man" enough to walk away from a fight and that they will be labeled a "bitch." You're only a bitch when you don't have to fight and choose to anyway because of the fact that you gave into peer pressure which means that you were a follower and not a leader to begin with. There's actually more in this code, but those are the most important things. Knowing when to pick and fight your battles saves you energy, time, blood, and unnecessary anger brought on by what The Boondocks put best, "a nigga moment."

Now at last, we come to the code that I uphold and cherish the most. The honor code.

The Honor Code

• Loyalty - Being able to stand true to someone regardless of what they put you through or will put you through in the future. Tests and all.

• Respect - being able to put aside differences with those who don't agree with your opinions or those that you might not even like and be able to find a common ground with on a mutual level of respect.

• Honor - Always upholding the morals and the virtues that you were either blessed with, gained through upbringing, or that you had to learn on your own. To be understanding and respectful of those who are in relationships, woman or man, and be able to put aside your own feelings to be what's rare in this world now, a genuine friend. To have enough respect for you and yourself to not run interference to a person who's in a committed relationship or marriage.

• Love - the unconditional ability to love when loving is at it's hardest. To forgive, when forgiving the most unforgivable actions calls for it. To love, in spite of what's happened to you and still be able to be there for the 1 you love and cater to their needs and wants. To stand until the very end with your partner when you wanna give up.

• Patience - The 1 thing that's key to honor. When times are tough, you wanna give up, you wanna break down, you wanna say forget it. Having the patience to just wait and keep on pushing, regardless of the obstacles, of the pain, of the heartache and anguish. To know that everything will be better in the end and that just having patience with the problem or your partner would have been worth all of the tears and heartache.

It's 3 codes I hold true and those that I never will break. But living in a world like this, it makes me wonder, why in the hell do I still hold on to them? Why do I still continue to try and be an honorable man when it does nothing but get me spit upon, left in the dust, hurt, heartbroken, and sometimes broken and the ones that aren't honorable at all get all the breaks, get the women they want, get all that they desire, and everything works out the way they want it to? I stop to think that every time I see it in my face and currently as it happens to me, but then I stop to think about it. I shouldn't worry about it because of 1 person. God. He created me this way for a reason, and it's because I am an honorable person that I can still keep striving. Keep pushing. Keep going through this storm to see the sunshine that lies over the horizon. I'm dangerously close to it because I can feel the enemy turn up his attacks on me and when that happens, I'm usually close to a breakthrough, if I don't give up.

These codes drives my inner fire. They have instilled in me the right morals, values, and virtues that I need for my future. A lot of folk can say a LOT about me (at least in terms of the past anyway). But 1 thing that they can say about me that neither of them can doubt, even if they denied it then. EVEN my adversaries can say this about me. I'm an honorable man to do the things that I can do. My name and what I stand for have been dragged through the mud. I've been lied on. Things have been said that I've moved on with my life. I'm fucking some other broad now. I have a new girl. I got this. I got that. I'm doing this. I'm doing that. Speculation on the fact that it ruins the chance to keep the hold or get the hold. Whatever it is that's being said about me. Keep saying it. Be my guest. Does nothing but make the power of the lie that much weaker. Anybody who knows me knows about my integrity and knows that if I give my word, I'm gonna keep it, by any means necessary.

Say what you want about me. But you cant doubt this 1 thing. Out of all the things anybody can say. Look at their actions, from past to present and then look at mine. 1 of the only words you will be able to come up with is...honorable.

A Storm on the Horizon...

Normally, I would have come up with the title to this in regards to me and something that I have a bad foreboding on. But THIS TIME?!?!?!?! This entry isn't even about me, but it does have something to do with me and how God is gonna use this potential storm for my good. Like I heard my new pastor say on the first Sunday of this month, his sermon was about how in the Gospel of John 8:30, Jesus said, "It is finished." The way that comes off, it means as though the act was done and nothing else was suppose to become of it. When He said that, that means that He should have just died and not rose again on the 3rd day. The father who translated the Bible from the original Greek into Latin got the phrase, "It is finished" mixed up. Jesus didn't say, "It is finished." He said, "Finished." Meaning that He was done with His part on the cross and now it was on to the next phase of God's Master Plan and it was for Him to resurrect from the dead and bring salvation to all that believes in His name and those future people that will believe that He died on Calvary and rose again 3 days later (just a little history for ya, lol). I can now say that I do understand why I was told to be still by the Lord and just wait, regardless of how hard it was and still is. But I realized that He also told me to be still because of a revelation that I was just given not too long before I started typing this. The part that I was suppose to go through and experience myself, I'm finished with that part. That doesn't mean that I'm gonna falter in what I've been learning since this started, but most of my part is over now.

There's a storm on the horizon because of the fact an entity from the past has now resurfaced and it's a storm that's coming for the shores of a barely stable situation. If there's 1 thing that I do know, 1 of players in this monumental game of chess already has her pieces in play and her strategy already formulated and ready to call checkmate. But even above all that, God has already woven this part of the tapestry. It's only now that I'm starting to see what could possibly be over that horizon. I have a terrible foreboding about this drama filled storm. But I understand that He told me to be still because this storm has to pass over me and head to where it's suppose to while I'm completely safe in God's love and He allows me to see the outcome of it. But it's like I learned yesterday, sometimes God permits what He hates to accomplish what He loves. That's something myself, those who believe in Him, and even YOU READING THIS should keep in your mind. There's a storm on the horizon, are you ready for it?

In the midst of it all, I can still Praise

I can definitely say that these last 2 months have been probably the most trying time of my life to date. Even more trying than the 8 year beef that took almost everything away from me. I would consider these last couple of months the most trying time because that beef didn't affect my weakness, it was only because of somebody completely idiotic. This has been directed at the 1 weakness that no enemy of mine (on Earth at least) would have ever thought about attacking. This is the matter of my heart. My heart is my greatest strength and also my greatest weakness because of the emotions that it deals out. I can say that I've been through a plethora of different emotions over this time and I gotta say, it isn't the most fun thing in the world.

But even with all of that, I know that this time of trial wasn't brought on by the enemy. It was brought on by my Lord God. I don't know everything that's gonna come out of this, but what I do know is the promise that He made to me. I also understand part of the reason why I'm going through this, at least now I do. I have to grow in order to be the man that I'm suppose to be for the woman that He promised to me (understand, Nuki, Yahweh revealed the same thing to you that He did to me, He's gonna bring the rest of the revelation around soon). I am suppose to grow to be able to lead by example and be a better man than what I already am. I am suppose to cling to the Lord and truly know that He provides all that I need and spoils me with the things that I want also. But to me, the most important thing is that I come to Him with any and everything that I need and wait on His timing and wisdom to bring it to come to pass.

But while those things are good to realize and understand, they don't involve you just waiting and nothing happens to you. In the last 2 months, I can say that I've cried more times than any other time period in my life. I can sit here and stand on my own 2 and say that I've cried over the woman that I'm in love with and that I hope this situation gets resolved. I've been mocked, clowned, called a pussy, a bitch, a sprung ass punk, ALL by dudes who apparently think that I don't need this woman and that it's more pussy in the world and I can go and get another broad who's better than her. There are those on her side who would probably think that I got another girl anyway and that I'm moving on with my life and she should also, which is what everybody is doing. While these and my people could be right, they aren't and it's because of a couple of things:

• - God put this woman on my heart as the 1 who I would spend the rest of my life with. I know now that when He puts something on your heart, it WILL come to pass as long as you never give up on it and keep faith and hope in Him.

• -When God gives you a command to do something and it's something for your future that you will be blessed in, you do what He tells you to do. Even if it looks like nothing is happening or that everything is going opposite of what you think should happen, it's all being done for the good of you.

I could choose to move on with my life. I could choose to find another girl and start dating. I could choose to disobey and tell God that she wasn't the 1 for me and that He was lying. But if I did all of that, it would only lead to sorrow for me and a lot of darker days than what I am enduring now. The fact of the matter is, I...let me repeat that again...I prayed to God about revealing to me the woman that I would spend the rest of my life with and He answered my prayers when He revealed her to me. But the twist to it is, He never said what I had to go through in order for that to happen, He only showed me what awaits me at the end. He never said that I wouldn't have to endure hardships in order to earn what He will bless me with. He never said that I wouldn't have any lonely nights or heartaches or crying times. He only showed me the end result. AND now that I just typed that out and reread it real quick, I understand that now. I don't know the time frame. I don't know how it will happen. I just know that God ALWAYS does what He says He's gonna do. NO Ifs, Ands, OR Buts ABOUT IT! Most things that don't come to past is usually because we give up when we are SOOO close to obtaining it.

I cant or wont lie and say that this trial and situation hasn't come damn near close to breaking my heart. On a couple of occasions, it had so many cracks in it, I thought it was gonna break at any given moment. But I can say that because God has been with me and has kept me and refilled me with His grace, love and strength, that has given me the will and the determination to keep pushing, keep believing, keep praying, keep having faith, keep hoping, keep anticipating, that I'm getting closer and closer everyday. Nuki herself said it best, even in the midst of overwhelming opposition, Yahweh is still stronger than all of that. And I believe her. You are stronger than all of that God because you have done it in my life before. The scripture says that "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." I've had a lot of crying nights, lost sleep, fighting in my dreams, fighting all the things that the enemy has been putting in my head, trying to make me see, trying to get me to hear. I would be lying if I said that I didn't wanna give into them. I've wanted to just say forget it all and I just need to move on with my life because she's happy, he's happy, they are both happy together and both of their families are happy with their union. But even in the midst of overwhelming opposition, I have the power of God to call on and I can do all things when I call on the name of the Lord.

With all that I've been through since August of 2010 and in the last 2 months. All the crying, all of the invasion of my thoughts, all of the Bible readings, the learning, the voices trying to get me off the path, the enemy trying to turn me away and get me off the path, and even the fact that he has now turned up the intensity on his attacks, I can still praise God for everything that He has done, is doing right now, and will do for me in the future. He's brought me from the old things that I was, turned me around, got rid of some old and bad habits of mine, and is molding me into a Godly man who will be a Godly husband and a Godly father. 1 who can lead with gentle leadership and has a gentle tongue. Who loves his wife like Christ loves the Church and as he loves himself, but still keeps God first place and understands that his family needs to be closer unto Him. At end of the day, He's the only name that I can count on because He has never left me nor forsaken me even when everybody else has and did in the past. Even when I thought there was nobody there or that I was completely alone, He was always there with His hands on me.

As I close this, I know that God will bring all that He promised me to pass. I'm expecting my blessing every day and I know that it's on the way and it will be here very soon. Romans 8:28 says that "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them that are called according to His purpose." Everything that's been happening is being worked out for me and for the good of me for a blessing and that so I can be a witness and have a testimony behind it, and that also includes the transformation that has been happening inside me also. I also cant be mad at the other pawn in this because even he MUST bow down to the will of the Most High and like it says in Proverbs 6:30-31, "People do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his appetite when he is hungry, but if he is caught, he will pay sevenfold; he will give all the goods of his house."

When you have the Lord fighting your battles and you are believing and keeping the faith and hope in Him, there is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING that you cant accomplish and there is nothing that He cant or WILL withhold from you. So through it all, I can still praise Him because He has been too good to me for not to and even if He never does or will do anything else for me, what He has done for the first 24 years of my life, blessed enough to EVEN SEE 24, He has already done more than enough. So with this I say, be blessed reader, and know that the power of the Lord is near you, in you, and all around you.

To My Angel of the Night

For 24 years, I've walked God's beautiful earth

Walking, admiring, looking at the beauty that He's created

From the beautiful sunrises that always amaze and creates awe

To the breath-taking beauty of a sunset dipping below the horizon

From the deadly but enticing shows that lightning puts on in the skies

To the sight of waves crashing on the beach and rocks nearby

From beautiful shooting stars across a starry night

To the arousing serenity that a full moon over the ocean can bring to those who view it

I've had the chance to see a lot of the greatness that God has provided for this world

But there is 1 that He has shown me that will ALWAYS be #1 over them all

That is the sight of you, my angel of the night.

I will never forget when I first saw your face, how amazed I was

I've never seen beauty so light blinding, so amazingly awesome, so life changing

I would have never thought that you would have affected me the way that you did

I would have never thought that all the darkness would go away as fast as it did

I would have never thought that love would EVER feel so good, so right

Like it was already blessed and written down before I was even conceived

Your intellect, your drive, your heart, selfless, giving, caring, I could go on all day

Just your presence is as warm and inviting as the life giving nurture we get from the sun

I cant imagine you being anything like your mother is because of the difference of ways

My angel of the night, I love you so much, I never thought love could feel this good

It's only rivaled by the fact that I'm not with you and it seems like a black hole is there now

I know now that we must be apart because God's Will MUST be done first.

But you must know that there is not a night that goes by that I don't pray he reunites us

There's so much that I have seen about myself now when it comes to you

So many things that I thought I was doing right, but I wasn't. Done incorrectly or just WRONG

The chance I keep praying for to make amends and atone for the mistakes of our past

The moment I hope God brings you back and we can make our love last

God's presence in my heart and my mind required your separation from me. It is only that I hope that I understand if you are truly the 1 for me

All I can say is, my angel, there is no other woman on the planet I would rather be with

For my heart has always belonged to you even when I didn't know it, it belongs to you now, and it will forever belong to you

This dragon will die without the love of you my angel of night

For no other woman can make me smile, laugh, and lift me up the way you do

I can never love any woman like or better than you

It's because of you, Juju, that I understand how fragile love is and how it's something to be cherished

I have loved you from the moment that I saw you and I'm not the type to believe in love at first sight

But now I know that it's real because you are the blinding example of it

If we can never be united again, I just want the next man to be able to give you everything that I never could

To be able to love you, cherish you, treat you like his better half, and bring a light to you that I never could

I just want you to be happy, no matter what that means. I want the next man to always be able to see you, just the way I do and I will always see you, through God's eyes

I love you, Juju, and I will never stop, no matter what you say or do

This is my loyalty and my promise to you

When it comes to you, the fire of this dragon will never burn out

And my loyalty and love will never die

The Blood of A Dragon

The blood of the Red Dragon flows heavily through his veins

As he waits for his target in the pouring, drenching rain

He's trained well for a moment like this

Ready to strike, ready to make this moment his

1 slash of Kenshi and the target will be down in a flash

To the ground will his cold dead body crash

As he looks above his target with piercing cold eyes

Kenshi slashes 1 last time before you could hear his cries

Yet another target as been brought down by this warrior of might

The gratification of his blood running is something that he likes

But what happens when this warrior shares the fate he's given so many?

Will anybody know or care about it, will there be any?

It seems as though karma has to pay everyone back for actions they've done

It has a good track record, it's never missed a payback, not even 1

It does have a way breaking even the mightiest of warriors down

In the dragon's case, it attacked his heart, all you heard was a breaking sound

The dragon's fall was shocking, no one could have seen this

Except he, himself, because his heart is his only weakness

Even the warrior must answer the call when love knocks on his door

That's why it hurt even more when his heart broke on the floor

Who knows the future? Who can or wants to predict it?

It's a future that I, myself, truly want, and only God himself can fix it

The Dragon's fate was sealed by his own hands

It's his own fault that he fell by the words and actions of man

Who was he to stop fate? To try and stop what God has planned?

Who is he to question God, just so he can understand?

Things in this world cant always explained

But there are those that say "I am in control of my own fate!" as they boastfully exclaim

Whenever it does happen, however it does happen, only the Lord himself knows

The warrior can only recover and start to take life now as it comes and goes

Eventually, God will give back to the the warrior blessings that will cause floods

But for the moment, the broken heart spills this Dragon Warrior's blood...

Blackbird

The sun on the horizon, beautiful as the eye can see

A blackbird sits perched on a tree

Beautiful on the outside, with a long, glorious wingspan

But crying and tormented on the inside, wondering can anyone understand?

Wishing and longing to soar free above the clouds

Far Far away from things trying to tear him down and noise so loud

Longing to soar into the sun above

Feeling the warm embrace of the Sun's life giving love

Never to land, never to care

Never to hold onto the pain and the anguish he once bared

Always dreaming to hold his head up high, never letting it drop

Always dreaming to keep flying higher and never wanting to stop

He'll never forget the place from which he came

Never wanting to look back to see if it's still the same

Always looking to the horizon to see what's in store

Knowing that over the horizon he will find so much more

Oh blackbird, oh blackbird, please try to understand

You are more than what you realized than in the eyes of Man

Oh blackbird, oh blackbird, you should now see

That rising above everything can help you be free

Blackbird, you precious gift, never let anyone bring you down

You cant concede, you've come too far to give up now

Blackbird, oh blackbird, in this void you know you cannot stay

As you spread your wings and take flight, I hope that you find your way...

Birth of the Next Dragons: LSG

Over the last couple of weeks, my life really has gone through nothing but tests. It truly did seem like my world was sent straight to the depths of Tartarus (It's the Greek version of Hell, trust me, theirs is a lot more twisted). I've lost the 2 women that were most important to me both in terms of love and life. Charlize, the Lady Dragon, and myself are no more and that killed my heart. I also lost the love of a daughter in my baby girl, Jessyca Adryenne Demya Iverson. Losing my daughter is something that NO parent should EVER have to experience. Yes, she was my surrogate daughter and her true biological father was laid to rest before she was even born, but it doesn't change the fact that I loved that little girl like she was my own. It just feels as though everything is being taken from me, everything is trying its damnest to bring me down. Everything is trying to break me. Everything is trying to revert me back to what I once was. I would be lying if I said that those dark and angry times, wanting mayhem, causing destruction, thirsting for blood and unable to quench it didn't make me wanna turn back to it for just 1 day. There are times that I wanna delve back into the insanity that is the Joker and laugh at what humans take seriously, basking in the fact that this life and the humans that occupy it are the universe's biggest jokes. HA! HA! HA!

AS MUCH as I wanna go back to that life and just say fuck it all and enjoy bringing anarchy and chaos back to the world, (after all it was the Joker himself who said all it takes is 1 bad day for a man to go insane) I just cant do it and it's because of 1 HUGE, IMPORTANT, MONUMENTAL reason. And the crazy part about it?!?! That HUGE, IMPORTANT, MONUMENTAL reason hasn't even been conceived and born yet.

Whenever that day is, whatever month it's in, whatever year she's born, the world will stop for a second and the angels will sing when Lilliana Simone Gatewood arrives in the world and takes her first breath. That's honestly the day that my life will DEFINITELY change. That little girl is gonna be the reason so much of me changes PERMANENTLY for the good. I've had numerous visions of her just bopping around everywhere, getting into any and everything, and smiling her beautiful face off while she does it. My little angel has the most beautiful smile that I've EVER seen anybody have and it can truly light up your day when you feel that you're down to the lowest point. I see her dancing her little tail off ALL the time. She always running around with a big bear that I bought her. She takes it everywhere she goes and it's like her best friend, lol. I swear every time you see her she always has her hair up in a ponytail just like Fred Flintstone's daughter, Pebbles, which is where she gets her other nickname from. My angel will definitely be 1 that takes the world by storm. She will be raised with glory and honor of God and be instilled with values and the honor code of Bushido. My beautiful angel will be a Dragon in her own right because she will be trained to the highest level and everything that I know she will also possess. She will be a musical genius, knowing how to make her instrument of choice sing to crowds that will be hanging off every note that she plays.

My Lilli, understand that I love you SOOOOOOOO much. Even though you aren't in this world yet, you are the reason that I wake and that I still breathe. All the days and nights that I have to hold you and let you know how much I love you so much and how much you mean to me are times that I truly treasure. We will have our times when we clash, when we will butt heads, where you will totally disagree with what I'm doing. All I can say is trust me, baby. I wanna be able to give you the world and let you live your life, but the first thing that you must first realize and come to terms with is that I am your father. I must do what's best for you, even if you don't agree with it or want to do otherwise. I will make you this promise. It's something that a lot of fathers either don't do or they run out on it. Lilliana Simone, I make this VOW to you. I will ALWAYS be there for you. I will NEVER run out on you or ever abandon you when you need me the most. I PROMISE to...no, I PROMISE that I WILL and that I'm GOING TO BE the best father that I possibly can to you. Your life is the most precious thing in the world to me. You will be a certified Daddy's Girl, lol. I can say right now that if anybody tried doing you any kind of wrong, physical or not, they can count on themselves not breathing anymore. You've already lost your sister when Jessyca passed and I'll be damned to let that happen to you, my little princess. Regardless of who comes and who goes, I will always be with you and loyal to you, my Lilliana. I love you so much baby and when you are born, we will be inseparable. The only way that I will leave you, my daughter, is if the good Lord calls me home. Other than that, I'm all yours for whenever you need me, baby. I love you so much, Lilliana, and I will see you when you're born...

Fire Regenerated: Evolution of a Dragon

It's been a while since I've written an entry and it's a lot that's happened since then. But I think the best thing to do is to see how I've evolved over all that time. Since it's so damn much and some of it really isn't worth delving into, how about we start with 2007. Real deep in the middle of 8 year beef that took the lives of 4 people before 2007 and would go on to take 1 more a year later. This is the infamous year that I met the broad who is solely responsible for fucking my emotional life up and the consequences of that reverberated down through the years until this very moment as I'm typing this. Ms. Coneshia Danielle Turner. A name that will forever live in infamy in my life. When I first met her, I thought she was a normal girl. Didn't think too much of her being a fake. Didn't think that she had anything to lie about. She was from a part of Mississippi that I'm always around and traveled to since my granddad (Rest In Love) stayed in the backwoods not too far from Greenwood and my grandma ain't too far from her either. So I THOUGHT (keyword there) I would be able to see her a lot since I'm usually in and out of Mississippi at any given time. Never did I THINK she had anything to lie about. HA!!!! If I didn't play myself with the biggest fucking joke of all time, I just don't know. This damn girl lied about EVERYTHING!!! EVERY FUCKING THING YOU CAN IMAGINE SHE LIED ABOUT. Her age, what he looks like, almost her entire family dying, people that she said existed that never was thought about ever in life, cars that were still on the lot, homes that were nothing but trees, trust me, anything you can think of, she lied about and my brother would be able to vouch on that cuz she got his ass too LONG before I ever knew about either of them (Shout out to ya, Nick). I can stand on my own 2 and say that YES...I WAS THE DUMB ASS for ever listening to this damn girl in the first place. Especially since she left me abandoned twice and couldn't even look me in the face to give me a decent answer on why the fuck she did the shit in the first place. But hey, you live, you learn. you bury shit in the past and with anger and you move the hell on with your life, thinking it wont happen again right?

WRONG!!!!!!!! IT DID HAPPEN AGAIN!!! AND FROM A MUTHAFUCKA I DIDN'T THINK WOULD PULL THAT SHIT!!!

Now enters a woman by the name of Alanna Joy Byes. Now with her, I've known her almost 4 years. Met her on Tagged, just like Neshia and the other women I'm gonna mention also. (pretty much, NEVER join the damn site. all you're doing is signing a death warrant on your life. nothing but unnecessary drama comes from there.) But I digress. But yea, Alanna and I were damn good friends from the moment we met til we said that we would try a relationship between the 2 of us. It was actually pretty good. It lasted a year, so I guess that would be good. Never did I think that she would give me a reason to not trust her or that she would be lying to me about anything. *GAME SHOW BUZZER!!!* YOU SIR WERE WRONG AGAIN!!! I will never forget the day. August 26, 2009. That's when the truth was exposed. A day before, I met a girl named Bianca and she had a profile of a girl who I THOUGHT was posing as a fake of Alanna. HA!! Turns out that it was the other way around. AAAAANNNDDD that that was happening since the moment I first met her. Well basically, I got on the phone, chewed her the fuck out, said it was over and left the shit at that. Are we still friends? Yea, we are because she's a good friend, but will it ever be the same again after that shit? Not a chance in hell. Not because we didn't try. It just couldn't be that way again after all the time that went into it and how bad the lie hurt and how much time made it bleed worse.

THENNNN after her. Let's introduce the lady named Delnisha Williams. I knew her since May 5, 2009. We decided to give each other a go after the shit with Alanna went down and I left it at that. That was only a month of time used up because in late September, she comes calling me and telling me that she's pregnant. Now mind you, me and her were involved and got intimate, but penetration never happened between us. So you ALREADY know what that means. She told me that it was her ex's and THAT nigga already didn't like me for whatever reason that he could fathom in his head. I honestly couldn't tell you. But what I can is the fact that she later revealed that it wasn't even her ex's. IT WAS SOME NIGGA THAT PICKED HER UP WHEN SHE WAS ASSHOLE BUSTED. That she said was a "friend." She was drunk and shit happens. You would think that's OK and I should be cool with that, HELL NAH. If you can sit in my face and tell me that you love me, your actions should be able to prove that. So now, she has another daughter and Dezzy is a cute as a damn button forreal, but she is the result of a drunken night of lust.

Fast Forward about a year and then we arrive at August 2, 2010. I can say that's when my life truly changed for the better. I met this young woman by the name of Charlize Christiana Kean. Beautiful young lady. Head on right, busting her ass to better herself and rise above everything that was negative in her family, or as she says, her non-existent family. I can tell you about everything that's happened between us, but because this is the woman that I'm in love with despite where we are now, and because I truly, TRULY haven't lost an ounce of respect for this woman, this is between us and ONLY us. OUT OF EVERY WOMAN THAT I NAMED, she is the ONLY 1 that has come to me right after she did what she did and told me the truth right then and there. Because of that, I will always have the utmost respect and love for her because she's the only real woman that I've ever known to do that for me in a relationship when she didn't have to. Regardless of what she thinks, is doing right now, or wants to believe, I know deep in my soul that I'm suppose to be in this woman's life and we are suppose to be walking together through it until death do we part. Charlize, if you're reading this right now, just know that I'm keeping my blood oath and I'm patiently waiting. Don't care what you think or say, just know that I am.

The evolution of my mind through these things has made me wanna say that I should have said fuck women a LONGGGGGGGGGG time ago. That's what any other "sane" human being on this planet would have said. That I'm the stupid 1 for putting up with these women and that I should have just smashed and moved on. Yea I should have, yea I should have left, but I didn't. If this would have happened back in my teen years, then yea, I would have been split the fuck out. My mind has grown and I have evolved to know that EVERYBODY deserves a chance and a chance after that and a chance after that. The Bible itself states in Matthew 18:22 when asked how many times should you forgive a person? Jesus himself states and I quote" I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but seventy times seven." I've evolved beyond my peers and some family and I choose not to look at the world the way that I used to. It's because I used to look at the world in such anger and disgust, I was only adding to the problem instead of trying to help cure it. Don't get me wrong, I will ALWAYS look at this world in disgust and how humanity is sometimes, but if I can help just 1 person just learn to love, they in turn, would wanna help someone else, and they would help someone else, and so on and so forth, and that is just 1 small step to helping this world embrace love again. The evolution of this dragon as been a long and trying 1 but it's because of the grace of the God and a young woman named Charlize that I can say that I'm on my way back to embracing that great blessing from above called love and trying to help people not tear that apart again.

It's been fun, but now you can exit now, be sure to come back for the next entry, whenever it gets posted lol...

How Much Longer Must I Endure? Dragon On Edge...

Over the course of my life, I've had to deal with a lot. 8 years of it is gone to a dude that took the lives of 5 people that I truly loved and were some of the greatest people that I've ever known. Since he was defeated, I've struggled to come to terms with what it is and who I am. Since then, my life as had more good moments than bad. I got to play along side my favorite band, Alter Bridge, at a show in Toronto. I've gotten the chance to travel across the country with my friends playing music, a hobby of ours that's turning into a career for some of them and potentially me also. I've got the most wonderful woman in a fiancee that any man would love to have. And I also have the most beautiful little girl in the world in my surrogate daughter, Jessyca. You would think with all of that happening to me, I should be ecstatic. On top of the world. King of the mountaintop. I should be, but I'm not. I feel even worse than before. I feel extremely lonely. I dont feel the need to play the drums, to enjoy myself, to have fun. I dont even have a need to play Call of Duty, and anybody who knows me know that I greatly enjoy shooting people online. I feel so dejected it's not even funny. The last week, I've done nothing but cry tears and I dont know why. To be genuinely honest, tears are filling up my eyes as I'm typing this right now.

I dont understand why I feel like this. Like betrayal is waiting for me over the next horizon. I dont know why this horrible sadness has descended upon my heart. I feel like I cant trust anyone. I feel like an eagle with a broken wing. I cant fly into the wind and rise above everything and be free. I feel like just breaking down and saying fuck everything and everyone cuz I feel like I'm walking alone. I've been walking alone for far too long and I've more than NEEDED...let me say that again...NEEDED someone to walk with me, but people that do either leave me to walk alone, walk with me for a little bit and then abandon me when I need them the most, or pretend to walk with me only to trip me up and when I fall, stab me in the back. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being there for people only to look out into empty darkness when I need someone to stand with me. I'm tired of being betrayed. I'm tired of having my heart hurt and broken and I'm tired of it having to cry tears of blood. I'm tired of it all and sometimes I just wanna end it all with either 1 quick swipe, 1 deep stab, or 1 penatrating bullet. Simply put...I'm just tired of having to cry and feel sadness...