Over the course of my life, I've had to deal with a lot. 8 years of it is gone to a dude that took the lives of 5 people that I truly loved and were some of the greatest people that I've ever known. Since he was defeated, I've struggled to come to terms with what it is and who I am. Since then, my life as had more good moments than bad. I got to play along side my favorite band, Alter Bridge, at a show in Toronto. I've gotten the chance to travel across the country with my friends playing music, a hobby of ours that's turning into a career for some of them and potentially me also. I've got the most wonderful woman in a fiancee that any man would love to have. And I also have the most beautiful little girl in the world in my surrogate daughter, Jessyca. You would think with all of that happening to me, I should be ecstatic. On top of the world. King of the mountaintop. I should be, but I'm not. I feel even worse than before. I feel extremely lonely. I dont feel the need to play the drums, to enjoy myself, to have fun. I dont even have a need to play Call of Duty, and anybody who knows me know that I greatly enjoy shooting people online. I feel so dejected it's not even funny. The last week, I've done nothing but cry tears and I dont know why. To be genuinely honest, tears are filling up my eyes as I'm typing this right now.
I dont understand why I feel like this. Like betrayal is waiting for me over the next horizon. I dont know why this horrible sadness has descended upon my heart. I feel like I cant trust anyone. I feel like an eagle with a broken wing. I cant fly into the wind and rise above everything and be free. I feel like just breaking down and saying fuck everything and everyone cuz I feel like I'm walking alone. I've been walking alone for far too long and I've more than NEEDED...let me say that again...NEEDED someone to walk with me, but people that do either leave me to walk alone, walk with me for a little bit and then abandon me when I need them the most, or pretend to walk with me only to trip me up and when I fall, stab me in the back. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being there for people only to look out into empty darkness when I need someone to stand with me. I'm tired of being betrayed. I'm tired of having my heart hurt and broken and I'm tired of it having to cry tears of blood. I'm tired of it all and sometimes I just wanna end it all with either 1 quick swipe, 1 deep stab, or 1 penatrating bullet. Simply put...I'm just tired of having to cry and feel sadness...
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