I don't know if I can call it a coincidence that today is December 31st, 2011. It's the last day in the month of December and it's also the last day of 2011. We have finally reached the end of the year and the earth is about to make it's yearly revolution around the sun. It's around this time people make New Year's resolutions as to what they wanna change about themselves in the coming new year. So what's your New year resolution?
In my case, what I simply want is just an end to this year completely and to do what I possibly can to have a better year in 2012. This year has done more than take away everything that I held dear to me. I can say that 2011 was nothing short of the worse year of my life to date. Yeah, I can still say that I'm blessed because I still have my health, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back, but it isn't even about that. I've lost 3 people who meant the most to me and 1 that it seems like I will never return to. All I've heard since the month of May is be still. Be still. Be still. That's all God has told me to do. Be still. Be still. What happens when being still is nothing but torturing you? What happens when you truly have reached the end of your rope and now it's time to give up? What happens when you just cant be still any longer and it's as though God has completely forgotten you and left you where He put you to suffer for good? I know it goes against Him saying that He would never leave me or leave me where I am forever, but it honestly feels like He has and that I just need to give it all up now.
I hate giving up. It goes against my nature and it goes against my code, but honestly, I didn't put myself in this and because I didn't, I feel that I should. Why have You left me here, God? What have I done to You to make You leave me here? I've come closer to You. I'm paying back that which I owe unto You. I've given everything that I have, including myself, back to You. What else is it that I must do? Be still? Why? What other lessons must I learn? What else do I need to do? What else needs to happen? Why? I want Your Will. I want You to guide me, but I need to know why You pulled EVERYTHING from under me. Is it some sin that I've done against You and I haven't repented for? Is it something that I've done that I don't even remember? Why Yahweh? What reason must I continue to be still for? How does this tie to Your promise? My Master, I just want this to end. I want the new version of that which You brought together in August. I want the knowledge, experience, new aspects uncovered over this journey to happen. I want You to hold our hands as we walk with You, O Master.
I can be honest and say that I've faltered sometimes since this has been going on. I've not had all the faith in the world and it's diminished greatly at points. Sometimes, I've thought that the promise wasn't real. Or that I've mistaken it for something else. Or that I might have even made it up myself, but time and time and time again, You've shown that it's come down from You and that You will keep Your word. But what's going on, Master? What else needs to happen? I was told that at the end of the 6 months and during the 7th, things would start changing for the better and they have a bit, honestly. I know what 7 means in terms of You and I also know what 8 means also. I honestly do hope that 8 WILL signal the new beginning that I've been longing and hoping for and the promise truly fulfilled. I have truly reached my end and I don't know how much longer I can stand. I know You have asked of me not to be anxious or worry, but God, as I am human, that's MUCH easier said than done. I've have been doing it, and I think I've been doing a pretty good job. I know I can never be perfect, but You don't ask that of me. You ask me to try and that I have.
The end is near and I can say good riddance to it. While I've learned invaluable lessons and my person has been changed greatly and drastically, I can still feel the pain and the anguish of all that I've had to endure this year, and for what? A selfish person who refuses to admit his wrongdoings and stay in his blissful ignorance while he cant see that history is repeating itself and that dark and dangerous storm known as Quinn is on the horizon? Another selfish person who took my daughter and her mother, 2 people who gave me a reason to smile? Hard lessons and training? The horrible helpless feeling that I couldn't be there for my love after her accident? The anger, fear, sadness that I felt because for the 1st time, I was truly was helpless. Master, You've taken me through all of this and the 1 thing that all of these events have in common are that they all brought me back closer to You, which is what You've wanted in the first place.
I won't lie and say that I have enormous faith left because I don't. What I still do have though is the faith of a mustard seed, and even with that, I can still move mountains and watch You move on my behalf, to bring glory to the name of Yahweh, to show me Your awesomeness, and to also bring me closer to You. All the things of 2011 come to an end at midnight. Even though darkness is still all around me, I can see that sunrise on that horizon. The time has come to bring me that horizon and enter into Your glory. Praise Your Name, Yahweh...
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