Essence

1 late night, I keep on thinking
About the feeling into which I keep sinking
A feeling so good, so bomb to the touch
Something I love so so much

As I think about laying you down
Opening your legs and then going to town
Licking up your thighs, not missing an inch
Enjoying the sensation of your every twitch

Licking and kissing down as far as I can go
Giving you the preview, until I reveal the true show
Licking back up from you ankle to your crotch
Licking more and more and I just wont stop

Slowly putting my tongue on your wet clit
Teasing, sucking, kissing all over it
As 2 pairs of lips finally become 1
It's time that I eat, hoping to never be done

Slowly rolling my tongue all over your lips
Savoring your taste, it's something I've missed
Sticking my tongue deep into your hole
Your pleasure going through the roof making you crave more

Deeper and deeper your push my head
I'm not gonna stop until you squirt all over my bed
Faster and faster, I stick my tongue in and out
Louder and louder, your screams just don't stop

I put on more pressure, licking as much as I can
I wanna make sure that you wont be able to stand
Grinding my face and grabbing my head
Don't stop fucking my face until I'm dead

Closer and closer, I know your near
Let me taste all of you my dear
You scream out and cum all over my face
Your essence and juices are so sweet to the taste

Still grabbing and fucking my head as you come down
I look at you as you have a playful frown
Loving the fact that you have cum so hard
But know right now that's just the start

Loving your pussy taste so much I know that it's truly Heaven sent
Time to help myself to it again and taste your delicious essence

Fallen

Here it is, yet another day

Where so much has happened with so little say

A blog that I wrote has created this strife

Will this unnecessary pain ever leave my life?

You got upset at something that was about you

We probably wont talk ever again, what else can I do?

You said you wanted us = you + me

That's been all I've wanted, how blind can you possibly be?

All of the shit I've been through, yet to you I stayed true

Do I have to shoot my fucking brains out to prove this fact?

The answer is always the same, "I just wanted you to be home"

I'm working as hard as a Hebrew slave so our love can be intact

Yet even in spite of all I'm doing, it's still not enough

I will always be the 1 in the wrong, and this shit is now getting rough

They say if you love someone, age or distance shouldn't matter

On that I call bullshit and let out sadistic laughter

That's a huge lie, nothing could be further from the truth

The proof is in a beautiful woman that's currently living in Duluth

I don't know what else to do, so this I just have to say

There's something that must be done and done on this very day

If you truly want us to be, fuck all the other shit and just do it

If you truly want this and love me as you say, God will see us through this

If you don't, that's also fine, I cant force nothing on you

But you'll have to get out of my life if you know you don't wanna be true

To me, to this, the very thing you've repeatedly said you wanted

But who the fuck cares about words anymore, it's all about how you fault it

You got mad over a woman that's imaginary. Make believe

But in the dark, are you seeing another man? Something that light will bring

To the surface, made known, no longer hiding. 

If true, I hope for each other, you both are riding

You deserve happiness and so do I

But this time fuck it, if you don't wanna share it with me, I will go and try

Try to find it with someone else, someone new, a new beginning, fresh start

Trying to find something real with less pain as I try to heal my heart

It's been beating for you, longing for you, wanting to be reunited

With yours, behind closed doors, deep in our passion, why fight it?

Stop this bullshit, I wanna get off, I'm tired of this fucking ride

I'm tired of getting my heart hurt and thrown to the side

If you don't want it, just say it, it's the truth, I promise I wont be mad

I will respect your decision and I promise I wont be sad.

I need better, I deserve better. I'm tired of settling for less

I want that to be with you because I know you're better than all the rest

But if you cant love me as deep as I do you, maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong

I'm just tired of the same run around and tired of the same damn song

If this cant be fixed, let me know now, so I can stop praying and stop my pleads

I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of hoping, I tire of this shit exhausting me

You say you love me, you say you care, you say I shouldn't doubt that

Yet every time I turn around, you leave me at the drop of a hat

My Nana used to say, today's relationships suck, these youngins don't know shit

I come from a time where no running existed, we stayed and fixed it

I want that love, I crave that love. It's all that I need in my life

I'm sick of all of this stupid ass bullshit, I just simply want you as my wife

That vision might not be in you anymore, if it isn't, I understand

At least I can say that I gave my all and I did and gave you all that I can

If this is the end, Farewell and ado, it was my honor to have been with you

I don't know why you're so scared or don't want to love me, but I will 

always, now and forever, until I see you on the other side, love you.

I've dealt with ridicule and people talking down about us and them calling me a tool

Everybody, and sadly you too, has kicked me, spit on me, and pushed me down, 

So I guess I am everybody's fool

Carnality

As you look into my eyes, is there something you see?

Hopefully, my burning desire and pure carnality 

As 2 bodies prepare to become 1

I look forward to everything that will be done

I press you against the wall with so much force

You kiss me deeply as if we're about to light a torch

Desire and passion ignite in this kiss

I'm gonna kiss every spot, not 1 will I miss

I gently nibble your ear, something you love to feel

I lower my kisses around your neck as I start to kneel

I'm greeted to my first gift, it just needs to be unwrapped

As I slide off your bra, I start licking ASAP

Licking, kissing, slowly around your breasts

They taste so good as I put your nipples to the test

To see also if they too taste so sweet

A treat that my tongue cant wait to meet

Licking around in circles, it tastes much better than any food

As I continue to massage your nipple, I see it heightens your mood

Making you clinch my head and push it deeper

I cant because you have another friend and I'm dying to meet her

I back up off it and make my trail down

Your erratic breathing and moaning are beautiful sounds

Down below your waist lies the best treasure

NOW it's time to really give you your pleasure

Licking up your thighs, before I get it in

You tasting this damn good gotta be a sin

Taking your clit in my mouth, I hear you moan loud

I take my tongue and slide it in and you make a louder sound

In and out, In and out, doing what I do

Thrashing, moaning, and fucking my face are all I see from you

Closer and closer, I feel your pussy squeezing my tongue

Tighter and tighter you squeeze my head until it goes numb

Grinding, screaming, and moaning as you finally cum in my mouth

Just the sight of you and your orgasm makes my blood flow south

You flip me on my back and put my head on your tongue

Go to town and work it like it's your mic and you singing a song

Get it wet, make it sloppy, and don't forget the balls too

I swear the best head I've ever had comes only from you

You suck it so bomb, licking everything you see
Making sure I also get pleasure, doing it so selflessly

I think to myself, it's time to slide in, going until I cant no more
Making you cum late into the night, making your body sore
You get on top, slowly slide down, gasping when it's fully in
Slowly grinding, slowly bouncing, speeding up, getting your rhythm
All I can think is this girl looks good with a dick up in her

Riding hard, pushing it deep, bouncing hard and bouncing fast
Her moans and screams echo into the night, she's not about to last
Scratching up my chest, she came so hard, everything shaking including legs
I slide out and lay on the bed, in her sexy ass voice, she started to beg

Daddy give me more dick, I need you in me, I don't ever want you out
I bent her over, slide myself in, and she let out a loud shout
In and out, in and out, her big ass smacking up against my dick
Working on me, moaning and gripping the sheets as she came all over it

Over and over, cumming hard, it seems liked she wouldn't stop
She took my dick out and licked her juices off, not missing a single drop
Looking at this woman suck me, glad my dick is the only 1.
She looked into my eyes and said, "Baby, I really want your cum"

I laid her down on her back, spread her legs and slid deep
Her loud moan took me by surprise since I didn't hear a peep
Stroking her pussy in the rhythm I was, no way she could ever have been dry
I looked into her face for a moment and was surprised she started to cry

I asked, "Does it hurt?" She said, "Hell nah, baby, I'm just feeling what I never could"
"Baby, yo dick is bomb as fuck and I've never felt a dick so good"
I started pumping faster, her moaning became louder, she felt herself getting close again
She said I was in her stomach and came hard, and said my dick was heaven sent

She told me not to stop until I came, that's how bad she wanted my nut
Her pussy is too wet, too tight, too bomb to pull out of, but I did by sheer luck
She licked my balls as I stroked, she was determined to get it all
I kept stroking, getting close, trying not to explode and get it on the walls

She stuck it in her mouth again, sucking as fast as possible
I just couldn't hold it anymore, and I shot my cum all over her
All over her stomach and chest, it was a sight to see
She licked it up some, rubbed in the rest, happy that my climax was finally reached

That was a session to remember, 2 individuals releasing their animalities
Something that I cant wait to do again. Having a night of pure carnality.

Feelings

As I sit down to write this piece
I'm thinking about a lot to say the least
As the tears falls, tears of sadness and rage
My dark side wants to be unleashed and uncaged

As I wanna give into the feelings of despair
Feeling that I'm all alone and no one cares
Left to fight off these feelings alone
Thinking about the things for which I must atone

I cant help but think about you
Through the darkness a ray of light shines through
Yes sometimes you cause my heart to hurt
But I'm just not ready to bury this beneath the dirt

I'm not the easiest person to be with, neither are you
But for some reason, through all the fighting, somehow love gets through
I cant give a definite answer as to why
I just know being without with you, I rather die

I wanna move on and you also, that much is damn true
But, at least to me, life just wont be worth it without you
I've made so many plans that involve you in them, it will suck if you aren't around
I'm not sure if you're gonna leave or not, but if you don't, I'm down

Down to start over. Try to regain that which bullshit has taken
It's a tough road, but if we work at it, I think we can make it
I don't know if I'm still in your heart. It hurts to think that I'm not
But if I am, I have to keep fighting and until my last breath, I wont stop

Yes, I have my days where I don't wanna fight for something I've earned
But I have to keep fighting regardless, that's something I've learned
The tears keep falling, they just wont stop.
I don't know why I'm crying, I'll just keep doing it until I drop

Drop because of fatigue or heartbreak, I hope those wont be reasons
This shit has been extra hard to go through this part of my lonely season

I have no idea why I'm so fixated on you. I plague my mind thinking about it.
It cant be because of your touch or your sex (which is bomb), it's been so long since we did it.
I cant fathom why I love you so much, It's something about you I guess.
It's something that speaks to me deeply. Something that makes you better than the rest

Something that makes me see you deeper than a best friend, deeper than a wife
Something that regardless of how you anger me, always reminds me why you're in my life
Something that I see in you and you in me. Something that needs to come out
Maybe then I will finally know and there will no longer be any doubt

Maybe something was created in us to be brought out by us.
Maybe because of that, we have all this bickering and this fuss.
Whatever it is, it cant be bad if it keeps pulling us back.
A lot of things might be missing, love is something we don't lack.

It keeps us coming back for more. The drug we swore never to be hooked on
This might be a little inappropriate but I just remembered how good you look in a thong
Love makes you do strange things. Things that you swore never to do.
I guess if 2 people leave each other only to fall all over again, their love must be true

I would love to feel that in person soon. It's been my dream for quite some time
I wish God would stop taking me through this and just let me be with you
We know that things can usually change at the drop of a dime
Since that's true God, stop saying to me, and let me see you DO.

I've tried to position myself for this, I don't know what else is left
I've been yelling and screaming to the point of me going deaf.
If You truly made me a promise, come through on it.
You say you aren't a liar, but right now I'm calling bullshit

You haven't lied to me before, so why are you doing it now?
What's wrong in her wanting to be in a wedding gown?
Walking down the aisle getting married in Your sight?
Please do something soon, I'm getting weak but still holding with all my might

If she's gone, I'm sorry for fucking up, I'll take my part of the blame
It's fucked up that something so perfect was lost. It's a damn shame
I'm done and I wanna see results as I write this final line.
It's been more than time and on this man and this woman, it's time to let the light shine

Blackbird Pt. 2

Welcome to my torment

Welcome to my pain

Welcome to my life that's been completely in vain

Look around, like what you see?

Neither do I

I wanna escape all this bullshit and just fly

Away from heartbreak, away from betrayal

Away from the shit my life has become

Away from this hell into the life giving sun

Fly away from all this torment

Away from all of this pain

Never to feel this shit again

Fly away from all who've wronged me

Away from all those who've killed me slowly

Away from all the nights I've been lonely

Fly to a place where gloom no longer reaches

To a place where I am free

To a place where I can be all I can be

Fly to a place where I can reach my potential

To a place where my heart no longer has hate

To a place where I'm not confined inside hell's gates

Fly high in the sky where the eagles soar

High in the sky where dragons roar

Flying so high I cant see the ground

So high that nothing can ever touch me again

So high that all I need is God and not phony

fake ass people or fake ass friends

Blackbird, o blackbird, please take flight

Try hard, as hard as you can, with all your might

Leave. Never look back. Go. Be free. 

It's always been your destiny

Don't worry about your heart. Dare not care

Eventually someone will come along and be there

To help heal it, mold it, and put it back together

Forming a bond with her where the connection wont sever

Blackbird, o Blackbird, it's time you be treated right

To live and be loved with no bullshit or end in sight

Until your Creator calls you home, then it's time to go

But you wont leave this world with your heart in sorrow

Blackbird, o Blackbird, it's time to end this

Write the final line, and I hope you wont miss this

Time to say so long, it's time to depart. 

So leave the notes to her and your family on the bed

Pick up the knife, and stab it right through your heart....

The Darkness Descends

On 1 peaceful November day

A man didn't expect what would come his way

He didn't expect to feel so much pain

He became part of a dangerous game

A game he didn't know he could not win

1 that bring up every past sin

No matter how much he tried, he couldn't escape

He kept trying so hard, not realizing it was too late

Over the edge, over the cliff

He now is staring into the dark riff

Down into the depths, where no human should go

Down into the abyss where there's no hope

Into his heart the darkness entered

Overtaking his body, rooted in his center

His heart turned cold, not wanting to feel love

He feels no one loves him, not some girl 

Or even the Man above

Race into the dark, into that dark night

What's the point in trying to put up a fight?

Why love when nobody wants to do it?

Just give up and the darkness will see you through it

Why put up with people who don't who care less?

It's something completely ridiculous

They love you and they're lying, just like the rest

And to believe their words is completely ludicrous 

Into the dark, into the rain

It's all happening over again

The tears fall and the darkness overtakes

Just grab the knife and choose to wait

Into the world, alone he came

A planet so cold and not right

Just lose yourself in the darkness and forget your name

Do it and try with all your might

They don't love you. They hate your guts

Know that and let the darkness comfort you

Know that it's you and you alone BUT

know that the darkness will see you through

Into the dark, into the abyss, never to feel, never to be

the good and love everyone thinks is there and really wants to see

O little boy, you'll never know what it's like be truly loved

Hell, everybody could, but nobody wants to, cant you see?!

Into the darkness, into the rage, nothing in this world matters 

Quiet your mind and listen closely. Hear the sound of the sadistic laughter?

Give up now, don't you see, they don't and will never love you anymore

I'm all you got from here on out, my friend, quote the Raven, never more...

A Letter to God

To You, my Lord and Creator,

You know the events of last night already and I don't have to go through the whole painful process of bringing it up again. I can admit that while some things that were said probably needed to be, what I do feel bad about is a couple of things that I let come out of my mouth and how the whole thing ended. That's both a blessing and a curse. A blessing that You gave me to say what's on my mind or what I'm feeling regardless of what people might think of it. It's the curse of my humanity that turns it into a bad thing because sometimes I don't think before I speak and that's usually the thing that gets me into arguments or trouble period. I'm happy that it isn't what it used to be, all things considered, but last night is proof that I still have a long way to go in terms of getting it under control. I honestly regret not giving her the time that she wanted to speak because I don't know what she might have said, Only You 2 do. If 1 of us had passed last night and those were the last words that we said to each other, I would have felt so damn guilty for the rest of my life because of how I ended that and I know that I would never talk to her like that either.

I have to get this all out because it's destroying my heart and it's pissing me off completely. You have told me that I can come to You with what I'm feeling as long as I'm sincere about my feelings. Well Master, You were with me all night at work and You know how much it tore me up not being able to concentrate on my tasks at hand and how much I was thinking about the words that I said and how they affected her. God, I know that You will forgive me because I'm asking for it right now as I write this and I need both You and Ju to understand how sorry I am. I'm not sorry about some things that I did say because that is how I really feel about the situation. At the same time though, I feel terrible about saying fuck you. While we have been saying that because we're completely pissed at each other, I told You and myself that I wouldn't say that anymore and yet here I was, saying the same thing that I told myself I wouldn't do.

Truth of the matter is, it's not even her. Yea, she gets on my fucking nerves and she irritates the hell outta me just like I more than do for her, but it's never been about that. You've blessed me to be good at conveying my emotions, but the 1 thing that's always been hard for me to do, at least in a proper way, is convey my frustrations and my anger or being upset. I do have a hard time speaking on that and when I do, it comes out in ways that both alienates me from people and puts me in positions where Juju so adequately put it. "putting my foot in my mouth." I can definitely say that I did that last night and it wasn't even because of her. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm tired of this shit man. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE STILL GOING THROUGH THIS?! WHY THE HELL CAN I NOT BE REUNITED WITH HER?! WHY THE HELL MUST I CONSTANTLY SIT IN THIS FORSAKEN ASS CITY WHEN THE PERSON I LOVE IS IN THE SAME PLACE THAT I'VE BEEN WANTING TO RETURN BACK TO?! WHY THE HELL EVEN MAKE ME A DAMN PROMISE IF YOU WEREN'T GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH ON IT?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?! WHY CANT I SAVE MONEY JUST TO RETURN TO HER?! WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T I JUST STAY WHEN I HAD THE DAMN CHANCE?! WHY THE HELL WONT YOU JUST BLESS ME WITH THE MONEY THAT I CAN COME BACK TO HER AND WE COULD BE ABLE TO START THE FAMILY THAT ALL 3 OF US HAVE PLANNED FOR SO LONG?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!

That's all I've wanted, God. I just wanted to be around her. I'm not mad at her. I'm pissed at this situation. It seems like all that we both try to do gets cuts off because of constant bullshit ass reasons. The 1 thing that we've both have tried so hard to get keeps eluding us. WHY?! If we aren't meant to be together, then why the hell do You keep bringing us back to each other?! Why wont You just close the door in both of our lives to each other and then put us on the path to meet the people that we are suppose to be with? I don't understand it. I look at the bible verse that's suppose to be my promise and it hurts to believe in it anymore. I still have hope that You will bring it to pass, but DAMN Master! It's been a full year and change now since You gave me that promise and yet, here I am still, waiting for it come to pass. I can honestly say that I've tried to do everything that I could to make it happen myself and work to get it myself, but everything that I've tried has blown up in my face and has failed. Maybe I am suppose to wait on You to move in my life for You to get Your glory, but DAMN GOD! You were STILL gonna get Your glory, regardless. You were still gonna be praised for the fact that it was You who brought us together, not anything that she or I have done. You were gonna get Your glory because of everything that You taught us during the year apart and the time apart. WHY CANT WE JUST BE TOGETHER?! WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH THAT?!

We know what went wrong the last time. You were jealous that we left you out of the center and that we didn't build upon you. Now we've done that and we know that without You, we cant do anything, so WHY NOT HELP US NOW?! Why not give us that which we have been wanting since we first met each other? I don't understand it and it's really fucking with me!! I just want this to stop. I'm fucking tired of having to look at the 1 I love through a fucking computer screen. I'm tired of having to celebrate special holidays or birthday 700+ miles away from the person that I wanna share them with. People who don't give 2 shits about the person they're with, constantly cheating on this, abusing them both verbally and physically, hell even emotionally, spiritually, and financially, lying to them, and disrespecting them on an everyday basis are blessed enough to see the people that their hurting on a daily basis, yet 2 people who really love each other so much and trying to be with each other and marry each other cant even get to each other, despite their best efforts. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN FAIR?! WHY SHOULD WE EVEN BELIEVE IN GOODNESS IN THIS WORLD WHEN SHIT LIKE THAT IS ALLOWED TO HAPPEN?! Are we to believe that you only reward the wicked of this world while the people who try to do good and do right are constantly taken from and must suffer hardships?

That's not fair in the slightest and You know it. I've spoken to You, prayed to you, hell to the point of where I'm begging and nagging You. You know what I want, what she wants, WHY THE HELL CANT WE JUST HAVE THIS?! Yes, we will argue. Yes, we will make each other angry. Yes, we will disagree. We're sadly human. We want to have a perfect relationship where none of that happens and we live in complete bliss and harmony, but we aren't blind to know that will never happen. Quite honestly, I'm sick and tired of fucking arguing with her. We've NEVER argued nowhere near this much and it isn't because of any damn thing we've done to each other. It's because of all the shit this SITUATION has caused. This shit has caused all of the anger, trust issues, and broken heart of myself. This shit has caused all of the pain, the wars, and the constant fighting off insanity in her. We both want peace. We both wanna be happy. We both just wanna live our lives with the person that we love. We have been attacking each other (another thing we've never done) constantly because of this bullshit ass situation. 2 frustrated ass people fed up with this situation wont mesh well. We don't wanna have to see each other at sporadic times of the year just to be pissed again that we have to leave each other and wonder when the hell we will see each other again. That's the 1 thing that I've asked of You for so long. Doesn't the fact that You could have taken her life last year, but chose to not to speak for anything?! Does the fact that You blessed her to keep living and learn HIGHLY from that situation speak of anything?! I mean come on!

All I just want is to be with, love this girl, and marry her. That's ALL I want. Hell I might have completely fucked that all up last night because of my anger and frustration with this shit and how much it weighs on me. I'm tired of seeing this damn girl through a fucking web cam. The only, ONLY, time that should even happen is if 1 of us has to be in a part of the country the other isn't, or if we're in a different part of the country OR serving it. We shouldn't be constantly warring with each other because of something that's out of our control that we're trying to put in our control. You can do something about this, but You're choosing not to, WHY?! WHY TORTURE US OR TAKE US THROUGH THIS WHEN YOU CAN CHANGE IT?! THIS SHIT HURTS EVERYDAY THAT I HAVE TO EXPERIENCE IT!! I DON'T WANNA BE WITHOUT HER ANOTHER FUCKIN SECOND!! I WANNA BE AROUND HER AND MARRY HER. HAVE LILLIANA, ARIANA, CHRISTIAN, AND MAYBE DOMINIC. WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT WANTING TO BE AROUND AND LOVING THE HELL OUT OF THE WOMAN YOU PROMISED ME?! WHO YOU GAVE ME HOSEA 6:1 ABOUT!! WHAT THE FUCK IS SO MUTHAFUCKIN WRONG WITH JUST WANTING TO BE AROUND A WOMAN THAT I WANNA MAKE MY DAMN WIFE, MAN?!

I'm truly sorry for coming off so angry. This is all my frustration. All my anger, All my sadness, and me just being completely tired of this shit and tired of dealing with this. It's been 2+ years now and when the hell is gonna stop?! When the hell when it end? I'm tired of this. This is how I sincerely feel about all this and I wanna just be with her, God. I love Juju so much and You know how much I thank you for her. Yes, I complain to You about her just like I know she does me all the time, but it doesn't change the fact that I love her so much. If I fucked up last night for good, then that's my fault and I can chalk that up to me, no one else. I stand on my own 2 and accept the charges and consequences of my actions. I know that I cant keep doing that and expecting her to always understand and want to continue talking to me. I want her in my life. Simple as that. I want to marry this woman and I've told damn near everybody I know that I'm gonna marry this woman, her mother included. I know that I need to voice my frustrations about things and I now know that I don't have to voice them to to people, I can just take to my blog and write what's going on in my twisted ass mind.

God, I just want the promise to come through. I know that it's gonna be done on Your time and not on mine, so I guess the only thing that I can really ask for is that You both forgive me for my actions last night, that she comes back to me, but most importantly, that you give me the patience and the serenity to keep at this because right now, I'm at the point and that I'm so beating up over this and I'm so weary that I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it and continue on this path anymore. I ask this and of course all things in Your blessed, powerful, and merciful name.

                                                                          Amen

Erase

A lot has happened
A lot has been done
Please erase it all
Back to the point of the rising sun

Erase all the arguing, it needs to go
Erase all the things which has caused this darkest of shadows
Erase all the tears, erase all the sorrow
So the sun will rise on our new tomorrow

Erase all the fights, erase all the lies
Back to when I never had to wonder why
Erase all the sins, erase all the guilt, so upon
You and our love, greatness can again be built

Erase all the hurt, erase all the shit
So that never again, we have to look at it
Erase all the deception, erase the cheating
So that our hearts will never again take another beating

Erase all the past hurts, erase all the exes
Never again will they get next to us
Erase all the white lies, erase all the anger.
With all my heart, I just wanna love her

Erase the misery, erase the depression
It's dead because of our new connection
Erase the old, erase the broken hearts
Never again should we ever be apart

Let's erase the old and begin anew
It's the right choice to make and the right thing to do
I'm here now sticking out my hand, hoping that you can see
You're the only 1 that I want and the only woman I need

Let's say fuck it, love each other hard, love each other deep
When we do cry, let it be love and joyful tears that we weep
I don't know what it will take or what I need to do
But I will do it all if it allows me to be with you

All I hope is that you wake up and you clearly see
I love you so much girl, and never again, do I
Want you to walk away from me

If you do, here I'll stand
Destined to do this over again
But I don't care, it's just something I guess I gotta do
To prove and to finally make you see
how much I do care and how I much I really love you

So say fuck it 1 last time, let your heart loose, be in love, be free
because Juju, you mean the universe to me
If you don't believe me, that's fine, I see what I will have to do
I'll have to prove myself again, and show you just how much I really love you

Temet Nosce

Know thyself. For the first 23 years of my life, I thought that I did. I thought that I knew who the hell I was. I thought it was all set in stone. I thought the person that was me would never change. Who would have thought that would have all changed one fateful day back in 2010? It was destiny when I met her on August 2, 2010. I've never met a woman so captivating. I've never come across an aura that was so alluring. Something about her just made me gravitate toward her. Her smile, more beautiful than any sunrise or sunset that I've ever seen in my life. Her beauty, so radiant. Her personality just makes you stand in awe as she talks to you. To meet, converse, and even have the privilege of dating such a woman is nothing short of the awesome glory of the Lord Almighty. 2 years later, and in spite of everything that's transpired between us a lot of things have been build up inside of me and have been dying to try and come out, but every time they get close to the surface, either my feelings aren't cared about enough for them to come out, it creates an argument that pushes them back down again, or I'm simply just afraid of saying this. Yahweh, I've spoken to You time and time again about this, but for some reason, I feel as though I just cant get over this. SO, we're gonna try it this way. I'm gonna try to write it out and maybe if I can see myself writing this, then, hopefully, I will feel much better. I'm gonna be honest, blunt, and real, God, and completely put myself in a vulnerable position. I don't care about the opinions of anybody else who just so happens to read this nor do I even care who does read this. The only opinion that I care about is Yours and this is only meant to get to 2 individuals, Yourself and, you, Juju. By the end of this, you'll know how I feel, and this can be done with.

To You, my Lord, and Savior,

I, first, just wanted to come to You and say thank You for the initial blessing of Ju in the first place. Never have I been with a woman who has shown me most of the spectrum of life. It's not enough words to describe the last 2 years of my life with her, but there are 2 things I can say for sure that they've been. It's been both a blessing and a learning experience. I've experienced a plethora of different feelings and emotions while being with her, but I won't change none of it for anything. Experiencing this showed me how strong I was and how much you have and still continue to strengthen me by what I was put through. It showed me how deep and how hard that I love. If I had to gauge how hard and deep I love Juju compared to how hard and deep I loved Neshia, Juju wins, she wins by a LONGSHOT. I wanna thank You for giving me what I needed and supplying me with what I needed to take care of her. I know for a fact that I couldn't have done even a quarter of the things that I've been able to do if it wasn't for You, so thank you, Master. I also wanna thank You for putting the things in me to even get her attention in the first place. I'm not the easy person in the world to deal with. That I know. More of a reason that I've always kept to myself to never put anyone through what comes with me. I'm difficult, I'm stubborn, I have a tendency not to listen, and I tend to just talk without thinking sometimes on feelings that I think are real when they are just me being frustrated. I know I'm not always right nor do I want to be, BUT, I have that tendency to think so. My patience gets away from me sometimes, and I can be impatient and think everything has to happen at the time I feel that it should. I have a temper, I do have a possession streak when I love or care about people too hard. I feel my emotions too hard and that gets the best of me. Sometimes, I do stuff just to get back at people who I felt have wronged me in some way, and sometimes I tend to hang onto things longer than I really need to, but in spite of all of my downfalls and shortcomings, I'm dependable, I love hard and deeply. I'm extremely protective, I'm romantic, I make sure my woman is cared for and adored, I'm a goofy person which makes people laugh, I'm understanding, I've recently learned that I'm empathetic, I'm loyal, I'm a faithful person, I'm a patient person, and if I ever had to, I would die for those that I love, You know these things about me because You were the One who put them in me. I just hope that these qualities were able to show and shine a lot more than my downfalls did and I hope my strong points are enough for you to remember why we fell in love with each other to begin with.

God, I can definitely admit that it's hard for me to let go of my feelings and my emotions. Not because I don't want to, but because I have nobody to talk them out to. I refuse to talk to anyone else about them because if another person tries to talk down on her name while I'm trying to explain how I'M feeling, I'm stabbing them directly in the throat, WHICH REMINDS ME, I still hope that You can forgive me for that mishap last year, You know the incident I'm talking about, I just HATE people speaking on her name like that and it gets upset. I hope You have forgiven me for that. God, I love this woman so much. You know I do. You were there with me through my year of tribulation. You saw how bad I was feeling, how much I was hurting, all the tears that were falling. You saw all the times I cut, all the attempted suicides, how everyday, every hour, was a constant war trying to fight off insanity. The many times that I wanted to and the times that I did give into my dark side. How evil I felt, how I wanted to lose myself in it, how close to the edge I came to actually doing it. I'm glad that You were there with me, giving me the strength to fight each and everyday to keep my sanity. Honestly, it was the love that was still in my heart for her that kept me going. I honestly, to this day, have no idea how, but it was the very thing that kept me going. For that, I say thank you because only a blessing like that could come from You.

My heart is still in shambles, Master. I know that's she's told me why. I can definitely understand why, I truly do. I wasn't ready for the same thing that I said I've been wanting in a woman, and I never thought I was gonna get it until August 2, 2010. I can see why she would be afraid. I can understand why she would run from me. I can even understand the immaturity thing. The thing that's been putting me at odds with it and why it hurts me so much is how you could you say you LOVE me and do that? Who could do that to someone that they said they love so much and how I was the 1 she was looking for all this time? That question could be answered more than likely, but right now, the answer eludes me and that's a reason why it bothers me so much. Another thing would be how she could give herself freely to everyone else but the 1 who hard earned everything? Now THAT I finally just learned the answer to and it wasn't even from her. I never really read about how Pisces women are and just how trusting their nature really is. I didn't know how much their trusting nature and wanting to see the good in everyone gets them into situations that they don't wanna be in. I'm sure she told me that about herself before and either I didn't remember or I thought that she could have come out of that with myself. The fact of the matter is that she may or may not ever be able to, but it's that's something that's left to her to handle, it's up to me to understand that and have patience with that.

God, I'm a man. You created me to be 1. I didn't always know how to be 1 because of issues with my father and him not always being around, and my mom and Nana raising me. I thank You a trillion times over for the many men and father figures that You've put in my life. From my brother, to my cousins, to the men of the church who took me under them and raised me and especially to Pastor Williams and Deacon Smith. Those 2 men were my father for a few years and all that I learned and experienced from them is completely invaluable and will follow me to my grave. Thank you so much, Father, for that. But with those experiences, I was taught that a man shouldn't show emotion. He shouldn't discuss his feelings. He shouldn't be open. He should keep everything in and find other ways to deal with them. I guess that I love parkour and I cant stay off rooftops when it rains. That's why I always find myself at the lakefront, just thinking and talking to you. It wasn't until I met you, Ju, that I could talk about what's going on in me. What I feel. How what I've gone through has made me feel or how it shaped me. How it created my dark side. When I was able to talk to you, everything went away, everything felt right. I felt as though I was completely and truly connected to you and that you were the only 1 who was never gonna judge me. I felt safe around you and I allowed myself to be vulnerable because you know how opening up was and that I was in a vulnerable position. You helped me to become free. It's because of you that I learned the last part that I needed in order to become a complete man and to shake the ignorant dogma that all men seem to think. It's cool to express your feelings and it's OK to be sensitive in certain cases. Only men who have an insecurity to hide behind only act like and with you, I was able to open and honest as possible. It's not like that anymore. You rush me through my feelings. You "CLAIM" I'm "whining" because of what I feel or tell you. To just clear the air on that, I know how many clown ass, bitch ass niggas you've been with in your life, and for you to say that about ME, is bull. You know how hard it is for me to speak on anything to begin with so that's out. When I do tell you what I'm feeling or frustrated about, I'm never whining about anything. I just explain to you how frustrated I am or I'm pissed about something. NEVER had I said I cant do something that I know I could do. NEVER have I had to come to you to beg you for anything or ask you for anything. NEVER had you had to tell me to get up and do something that was beneficial to me or us. NEVER had you had to tell me that I was being lazy and I could get up to go get food, or weed, or cigarettes, but I couldn't get up to look for a damn job. NEVER was I ever jealous of you in ANYTHING you've accomplished and I often and still continue to praise you and push you to keep going and keep accomplishing that which you set out to do. Most importantly, I NEVER ONCE complained to you about how much pain I'm in and how it causes me to stay confined to some place. I've lost count of the times you have literally had to threaten me or practically beg me to just take it easy or stay at home or call off work because I was too hurt or too sick to do something or go to work. That's not whining by any stretch of the imagination, lil mama. Frustrated? Definitely. Proud of you? All the damn time. Wanting you to surpass anything I've done? hell yea, I want my babe to be better than anything I could do so that women and your kids and family can be proud of the person you've become. A whining dude? NEVER. People in hell will get a cool day and 1,000 years of awesome drinking water before that happens.

Lying. I don't even need to get into all of this, but I'll just leave it with this. I know that we are both human and I know that we will tell white lies or lie not to hurt each other's feelings. BUT, we really shouldn't even be doing that much. If it's gonna hurt that much that we have to lie about it, we might as well just get out, right then and there because it will feel a hell of a lot better afterwards.

I honestly feel like I cant even talk to you anymore. In the beginning, that's all we did. We talked, from sunrise to sunset. We talked about any and everything under the sun. Even in spite of our contrasting schedules, we found a way to make it work, and in spite of all that happened, we flourished because of that 1 fact. We were able to talk. We were able to argue and never be nasty to each other. We were able to debate and see each other's point of view. Now it's not like that. Our conversations seem so stiff and not lacking. Honestly, I really cant expand on a lot of the stuff you talk about because either I have no idea what you're talking about or I have very little knowledge about the topic. I don't want you to think that you're talking completely to yourself, but at the same time, I would like to talk back to you and actually feel like I'm a part of the conversation and not just some spectator on the outside looking in. It also seems like anytime we do talk, you don't really care about what's going on with me, but you just ask to just be respectful. It also seems like any other time we do talk, it's always about what you need. I love helping you and I will definitely go out of my way to do whatever I can to make sure you have, even if I have to go without, but as of late, it just seems like that's all we talk about. Things I don't know much about, things I don't know anything about, and you asking me for something. I wanna be able to converse freely, goofy like, lovingly, awesomely and above all, honestly, like we used to. It's those kind of things that makes us get into arguments a lot. It seems like we cant even go a full week without a conversation turning into world war 3. I love you so much, but I'm tired of all the arguing. After 1 particular argument, I realized that everything we've argued over to that point is COMPLETELY TRIVIAL AND POINTLESS. We were getting upset over things we wouldn't have given 2 shits about back in the day. Because I thought of that, it made me think of when this whole arguing era started, and it's a very traceable date. Our constant arguing started the day that I left you, March 6, 2011. Just the very way that I left was enough to spark it. We didn't get a chance to say I love you, give each other that 1 big last hug, or that long passionate kiss that makes you eager to get back to your love as soon as possible. Then once you incorporate everything else that we have gone through since me leaving home and it all adds up. We NEED to be around each other. Yeah, we'll still have disputes over things, it's only natural. But the biggest problem would be eliminated, we would be around each other.

Most importantly though, I don't feel loved by you anymore. Yes, I know you still love me and you know that I love you now and forever. We have our funny ways of showing it because we haven't been used to that, I know, but I know that we love each other. The thing is, I don't feel that love from you anymore. I'm not gonna sit here and say something like that acting like I've been doing all along myself because I know I haven't and I wanna change that which is why I'm saying it. How we were in the beginning, we were madly in love with each other. In spite of all that happened, we came running back to each other and loving each other to the point of nobody else in the world existed to us except us. It was frightening at first because we were afraid of losing ourselves in each other. But a bunch of bullshit and 2 years later, I find myself asking, what was wrong with that? Yes, I know we didn't wanna lose ourselves in each other, but going through the things that we have over the last 2 years, what's wrong with doing that now? We've been with enough people during that year and change apart from each other only to find ourselves back into each other's arms again. What's wrong with being madly in love with each other and showing it? What's wrong with loving each other as hard and deep as humanly possible? Yea, we've given our hard earned love to stupid ass bitches and dumbass  bitch niggas who didn't deserve in the past, but we have been to hell and back and in spite of everything, we've always found our way back to each other, so what's wrong with just loving each other they way we should have been doing all along?

As I close this letter, God, I hope that I've gotten everything out. If there are things that You know are still in me, please bring it to my heart and to my mind, so it can be talked about and put to death immediately. I'm tired of living with past ghosts that continue to haunt me. That ends now and I'm not going through this ever again. I thank You for that. I know that I'm a lot of things and some of them are not easy to deal with all the time, but I thank You for having so much patience with me and not striking me down when that would have been the easiest thing to do. It's Your love, Your patience, and Your promise keeping that I strive to wanna be like, even though I may fall short at times because of my humanity. I love You so much and I thank You, my king.

                                                                                                        Your loving son and servant,
                                                                                                                  Lincoln


I'm still learning about who I am and that which I am capable of. Some things about myself I love. Some things about myself I'm working on, and there are absolutely some things about myself that I absolutely hate, but know that they are still a part of me and I have to live with them regardless. At the end of the day, regardless of what anybody says about me or about what I should do to change or how I should be. When I look at them and I wanna cuss them all out, I only think of what I should care about and not caring about what they think. It's all about 1 thing: Temet Nosce.

Under the Microscope: Love

Love. What does it really mean? I used to think love was forever. I was always told that love conquers all. That if you had it, you would have everything you would ever need and that everything else would come. In all honestly. That was the biggest load of bullshit that I've EVER had told to me. Well, second, the first was "I love you" by countless people who never meant a fucking word of it.

All I hear is love will do this and love will do that. What the hell do they know? I know for a damn fact that love isn't just some fucking feelings you have and think that they are suppose to last forever. Love, just like anything else, is work. You HAVE to put in work and craft it, and mold it into that which you make it. How can 1 want love, get it, and then expect not to put in work? If the saying is true that, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for," if that saying is true, then why isn't that true of love? How can you want something that you don't wanna work or fight for? Why is it that at the drop of every argument or that 1 fuck up happens, everyone wants to turn from and question if they love the person? If you love someone, why should a fuck up cloud if you really love a person? Love is clear and while it can be confused with lust, there are the ways that you can tell in order to differentiate the 2 of them.

Love doesn't run at the drop of a hat. If that was the case, then we all should have been dead a long time ago and we should all be going to hell for the simple fact that if God didn't send His Chosen One, we'd all be dead. Love doesn't run when an infidelity is committed. Love doesn't finch at the sight of a warped body or being in a wheelchair and love DEFINITELY doesn't cry foul and run just because arguments arise or something was said. Love is much more stronger and much more deeper than that. People who don't understand it will always question these things. They will always wonder why people stay with people who have cheated on them. They will always wonder why people stay with people who have had the unfortunate meeting of fate and have been mutilated or wounded or confound to a wheelchair. They wont understand why people stay because of the all the arguing.

What those people will never understand is that tests happen when you're dealing with love. Love tests you in ways that are painful and create sadness, but this is where the choice is to be made. Do you either run and convince yourself that that cant be love and that you don't love the person (it was never love to begin with) or do you stand and fight, knowing and hoping that it will get better? I can understand how the second option could be considered foolish. You can fight until you cant no longer, but you cant force a square peg into a triangle 1 nor can you command a dead horse to run. That I get. But most of the time, it's 2 people in the relationship and both must commit and put in work if they "love" each other. Most disagreements and arguments can be solved if listening to both points of view is heard. Sometimes all it takes is just hearing from the other perspective to ease major tension and strengthen the bond between 2 people. Some time it takes hashing out a solution and following through with it.

Whatever the case, love isn't easy like it's always portrayed in the movies. They always show the couple going through the hardships in the movie and then reuniting and loving each other by the end credits. What they don't show is the next part of the story. They don't show what happens after the credits end. They don't show the arguments. The disagreements. The sleepless nights. The sleeping on the couch. They don't show the hard part about love. The work. They just show the "honeymoon" phase. It takes a couple that's truly in love with each other to work through all the problems that life will throw their way. A LOT of people tend to forget that life STILL happens regardless of if you're in a relationship or not. Life's just gonna come harder at you once you're in 1. But that's why you 2 depend on each other. You are each other's comfort in the midst of the hurricane that's life. You're the reasonable 1 to each other when you wanna lose your damn mind and zebra punch life or a person. You're the pick-me-up to each other when one is having a bad day. You're the 1 ready to whoop a muthafucka when someone disrespects your mate or tries to slander them and they aren't around to defend themselves. You're the better half to the other. The strength to their weaknesses.

Love isn't something that is suppose to be taken lightly, which is why so many people don't know about it or know how to handle it when it comes to them. It's a shame that there are people out in the world that love to prey on people's emotions and hearts, twist and turn them and then break it like it was never there. That's why love is so distorted and so many people say they hate it or will never know it. It's because of the assholes and non-deserving that so many people are so messed up and blaming others who are more deserving of the past stupid asses. I know it isn't easy to let go and in certain cases, I couldn't honestly blame you, but at some point, it all needs to be let go and give the person you are with a chance to prove themselves and watch how they will surprise you. It can go either way, true enough. They can really prove that they love you and wanna give you the best that you truly deserve OR they can fuck you over. You can only do what you can control and what you cant, you leave in God's hands. If they happen to fuck you over, He will pay back a thousandfold on the offender and they will WISH that they never, EVER, harmed you or broke your heart.

Love is a lot of things, but never does it hurt or never does it harm. Only the people that are involved in the relationship do those kinds of things. Everyone wants to put the blame on love when it doesn't turn how the way they saw it in the movies or read in a book or even saw from their friends or family. Little do they know the road it took to get to that kind of affection or how hard they had to fight to get it or even the arguments they had to go through. Love is something beautiful, believe it and know that it's true, but before you start to envy what others have, always remember the road that it took to get there and how much sadness, arguments, and anger had to be gone through before true love, bliss and ecstasy could to be obtained. Always know that love can be yours, but are you willing to fight for what you love or who you love? The choice is yours...

A Dark New Day Relived

November 13, 2011. A date that will live in infamy as the date that changed my life. It's funny how fate works. Just after hearing news of an earlier accident involving my heart, who knew I would be fighting for my own life shortly? All I remember is just racing down the street, talking to my brother, getting out tears of sadness, rage, anger, and despair and the next thing I know, CRASH!! Twisted metal, bodies, and the ocean of blood everywhere over the crash site. As I slowly slipped in and out of consciousness, I finally succumbed and blacked out.

In my unconscious state, I saw many things. None more important than the vision of my angel. All of the arguing, all of the pain, all of the back and forth. All of the pointless issues that we've argued over. Who's right. Who's wrong. All of that. None of that shit didn't matter at that point because I was sitting here in a pool of my own blood, bleeding out and feeling that I would never make to sunrise, but I was gonna fight for as long as I can to cling on to my life. Thinking about everything that I was an issue, my unconscious self wrote down in a letter everything that I needed to say in case I didn't make it back to her. The first thing was for thinking that you were using me to get things. Juju, I, as well as you, have a history of being used. I have never known what it was to be genuinely appreciated and I also have never known what it was to genuinely give to a person that I love with my heart. I've always been taken advantage of and I've always been used and greatly abused. I wish I could have taken those words back or at the very least explained them, but right now, at this point, I cant. All I can hope for is that you forgive me and that I wish that never happened. If I would have known that tonight was going to happen, I DEFINITELY would have never said something so foolish and so dumb. I'm so sorry for a thought like that to even cross my mind, regardless of my circumstances at the time, I didn't have to take it out on you, but I guess for me doing that, I got what I deserve.

For all the times that I yelled or was cussing like crazy, I'm so very sorry my love. I've never really been good with containing my emotions once I let them out. I'm so used to keeping everything in and once I do let it out, it comes out in a negative way. It was you that showed me how to release them in a more positive way and I have gone from that. I should have never forgotten that which you helped me with because maybe I would be a better person and maybe I wouldn't be fighting for my life in this pretzel of a car right now. I wish I would have listened but I didn't and that's my fault.

For all the times when I was too fuckin stubborn or too bullheaded to listen. I'm sorry, I'm a man, that's all I can say and most men tend to wanna think they're right or that they can fix everything. Luckily, I'm not like them in the way that I can admit when I'm clearly wrong and that I caused something or it's genuinely my fault. I know now that I cant just try to fix or solve all of your problems and that sometimes, you just need me to listen and give you feedback when you ask me a question or how I feel about something. If I can make it out of this and see your beautiful face again, I'm gonna tell you how much I'm sorry and how much I love you and how much I want us to work because me being like this doesn't help us at all.

Most importantly thought, for all the times that you've felt neglected or that I didn't wanna be bothered with you or your problems, I just wanted tell you that's completely not the case and I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. Baby, I work for you. I live for you. I love spoiling you, I love making you happy. I love seeing that beautiful smile on your face and I love seeing you feel good, and looking good. I spoil you so much because I never had a girl who was worth it to spend on and plus my daughter isn't here anymore, so somebody has to have my affection. I do admit that I am tired a lot because I work so hard for us to have things while you're still looking for work, but honestly babe, I don't have 1 problem with it. I love knowing that I can give you what you ask for and I love seeing that you appreciate it and that you do love me. Sometimes I work too hard and I miss it and sometimes I mistake you not saying much for unappreciation, and that's my mistake. I love doing for you and do what I do because of you because I know you do appreciate it and that if I did have to ever call on you, you'll be there quicker than I could call. As for your decision that you made before this unfortunate accident, change your mind again and call on me. Ask me. Let me do it. I want to. I'm choosing to. I apologize for the stupid thought that ran in my head, but it definitely wasn't because of you. All those who don't appreciate me and what I do for them got to me and I should have never brought that to you because you didn't cause it. If I make it to sunrise, I just want you to know how sorry I am and please forgive me.

As this letter ends, and my unconscious mind fades to black, I float through that dark abyss, wondering if I will ever get a chance to see your face, get the chance to say I'm sorry, and we give ourselves the chance to truly love each other like we've never loved anymore before. I can feel my soul leaving my body and my breaths becoming less and less. Then a white light appears and I can see the figure of a person come down and stand in front of me. I hear His voice, so clear, so deep. My son, I have given you this promise. I DO NOT want to take it away, but you have to do your part and fight to make it stay. I can only do so much, you have your work to do as well. If you cannot, I will give your promise to someone else, while your dream burns in hell. She loves you so much, she's not what she used to be, does she still have a way to go? Yes, but she's changed, how blind do you have to be? I know you're scared, and I know you're hurt, She knows that and so do I. But just trust Me and trust her and watch how I raise you 2 dragons to the sky. Take her hand as she takes yours, let go and finally be free. Love each other as much and as hard as you can, and you both keep your eyes on Me. Cherish each other and be in love deep, you've both been waiting for this day. I make you this promise and you know I'll keep it, I will marry you both on your special day. Love her my son, love her deep, that's all she wants you to do. Don't ever stop, and she wont either, and to you both, I will always be true.

I regain my consciousness and to my surprise, I cant believe I came out of that alive. I have no idea how I got out of that because I KNOW I should have been dead. It's only by the grace of God that I escaped that and He gave me my life back. In my hospital bed, I looked around, blessed that I was alive. Thanking God for bringing me through that experience. As I look around my hospital room and I look down, I see a piece of paper in my hand. It took all of my might to open it, but it was the very letter that my unconscious mind wrote to you, my angel of the night. God gave me another chance to make things right and for us to finally be the way we were meant to be and to show what true love looks like, being forged through fire and the pressure of friends and others, to form a beautiful diamond of a relationship that cant be broken and that God Himself crafted to show off His power and the works that He has done.

It took one moment in time and a near death experience to bring me to this point, but it will take a lifetime of me showing the world just how much I love my wife, my angel of the night. My Juju...

Questions

It's a rare occasion that I'm at a lost for words. Normally, I'm a man who can both vocalize and display my emotions. I might not be able to do it in a way that's either safe or safe for my well being, but I can display them. They help me to talk to the person that I need to convey them to. But it's always an exception to most rules and this is no different. My 1 exception, a woman, I can talk to her about most things, but it honestly seems as though as of late, my emotions are not getting through to her. I could also say the same for her simply for the case that we haven't been around each other in a year +, so that would naturally have a disruption in our connection. But it seems as though with the reuniting of 2 hearts, there's a lot of friction and a lot of clashing still happening. I have no problem admitting that it mostly comes from my end. There's still some hurt and there's still some sadness left. After all the time that has lapsed from the time you left until the day you came back, I thought I would be ready to say everything that I thought I would have said if I got the opportunity. If there's anything I've learned, once the moment comes that you've been waiting on for so long and what you thought you were gonna say before the moment arrived, you FORGET ALL THAT SHIT once the moment happens. I've been trying to vocalize what exactly I wanted to say about how this has affected me and what I've been thinking in my head, but honestly they all turned into arguments, either because you didn't wanna hear it because you thought I was throwing it in your face or because after numerous attempts to say it, I couldn't and it frustrated me. So taking your advice, I took to my blog and maybe, HOPEFULLY, this way can bury most of the shit forever and get on our lives. These are the questions that were in my mind during my dark period and things I've always wanted to know.

• Do you really love me like you say you do?
• Am I really that hard of a person to love?
• Do you hate me? 
• Are you really giving me all of you?
• Even though you said I'm getting all of you, why does it still feel like I'm not?
• Am I that horrible a person?
• Do I ever have to worry about anything once we get straight. if we ever do?
• Do I have to compete for your love again?
• Will you ever give me the chance to just love you regardless?

I mean that's all been in my head for a year and change. It's all that I've stayed up at night, meditating by the lakefront, crying over. I honestly don't know how everything is gonna turn out. But what I do know is those questions needed to be asked and I had to get all of that off of my chest. You choose to get mad or angry, that's your choice and I cant stop that. But I had to get that out and I do pray that God will bless this and FINALLY bring all of this shit to an end, once and for all.

Dreaming of Zion

Have you ever found yourself feeling something that you SWEAR feels like it's reality, but it's actually a dream? Or have you ever found yourself thinking that so many good things are happening for you right now that it cant POSSIBLY be real and you logically do all you can to convince yourself it's a dream, but it's not?

I can definitely say that I'm experiencing that right now. I'm in a state of extreme bliss. I'm feeling feelings that I thought had long sense dissipated and were otherwise destroyed. But the thing about it is that I'm feeling them much more stronger than I've ever felt them in my life. It's thrilling and fun and I've fallen in love all over again. It's clear to see why I feel like I'm in a dream world. For the last 2 years, I've hoped to feel like this, truly knowing what it felt like to be loved all over again. Knowing how it felt to never have to worry about your heart being twisted or corrupted. Just pure unadulterated love. I can definitely say that the last 2 years have been very trying to me. There were times that I completely wanted to just give up. There were times where I wanted to indulge in my suicidal tendencies that led me to be in a mental rehabilitation clinic on for a weekend where I self-nominated myself for suicide watch. There were times I wanted to indulge in the darkness that was my mind and all the twistedness of it.

But 1 fateful Saturday in October changed all of that. An event that was truly unprecedented that wasn't expected or at all foreseen. A mending and reuniting of 2 places that were thought to have grow apart and that all hope was given up on. No matter how much I prayed, no matter how much I pleaded, no matter how much I wanted it to happened, it just didn't. But October 20th, 2012, that all changed. October 20th will always be day of the anniversary of the passing of my little brother, Talon, but now that sad moment has to share time with the momentous occasion of a resurrection that no one except the Lord Almighty saw coming. 

I constantly feel like I'm Morpheus from the Matrix. After Neo won the day and the war of the humans against the machines was finally over, just like he, I found myself thinking," This has been a long time coming and I've endured so much and it's finally over. Is this real?" Exactly like that. I find myself dreaming of Zion, sleeping awake. Just wondering is this real? Rarely does anything good happen to me, so for my angel of the night to return, is it 1 hell of a joke or are things really gonna start turning around for me right now? Those questions will be answered as time goes on, but as for right now, I can say this, I don't wanna think about the future or the past, I just wanna embrace the present moment right now and completely enjoy it to the fullest.

To you, my angel of the night, you've not only made me a happy man, but you've also made me complete again. By you freeing yourself, it's also helped me to free up all the darkness that was in me and it's given me a completely new insight on you and on our love for each other. This is definitely a new beginning, a new, raw, refreshed, and exciting beginning. I love you so much and I promise you that I'm gonna be a better man than I was. The mistakes of the past are exactly that. The past. I'm living in our present and looking forward to our beautiful future together with our beautiful children. I love you my beautiful angel, and I hope to never be separated from you again. To you and to our family, babe, our future and our path starts now....

Anger

What do you do when you feel you're all alone?
No one there to hold you tight
Doing all you can to return home
But still running aimlessly through the darkness of night

What do you do when you feel cold?
Wondering if you will ever feel again
What do you do when nothing is not as it was told?
Do you give up and lose yourself again?

What do you do when you feel played?
Like your heart never meant shit to anyone
Does the haunting thoughts come back of them getting laid?
Or do you hope for change and keep praying to the One?

What does it feel like to be alone?
Is it something that you love to feel?
Does it overtake you as you continue to roam
Through your emotions as they constrict and make you kneel?

How does it feel to feel sadness?
Do the tears falling break you somehow?
Every tear dropping bringing you closer and closer to madness
I bet you're starting to understand how I feel now

What do you do when all you feel is rage?
Wanting to release it and you don't care how
You know the beast inside wants to be uncaged
But you wont for the sake of 1 thing: a vow

What do you do when you wanna say I'm done?
You've been through a lot, but this you wont keep going through
Time to give up, say fuck it, you don't want me, you fancy another man, you finally won
You wanna say it, it's in your mind, but your heart is still in love with you.

How do you feel when you feel like the loser?
Like this fight is 1 you're never gonna win
You wonder why you keep fighting, she's gonna leave or you lose her
You lose your mind, you just cant see the end

All I hear is words and I'm suppose to take them to heart
The time of words is done unless you back them up actions
With all this time that we've spent apart
All the words I hear from you, in me, they create negative reactions

I wanna love you. That's all I've wanted and I still do
I cant do you that unless you let me, but why you wont, different reasons come up
My heart and loyalty still is yours, but do you still feel that way too?
This relationship as you still say it is, I don't want it to go belly up

So as I finish this wondering what the reaction will be
I keep my eye to the horizon thinking of the song I danced to with her
I hate that I cry and because of love I am this damn weak
but as much as I try to give it up, 1 thing wont let me go...my anger

Angel

Angel. That word alone is so beautiful

Angel, the name that's meant only for so few.

There are angels all around us, those we cant see and those we can

They are plenty, they are many, just like the many grains of sand

Angel, dark angel, into the night I run

Angel, my angel, carry me through and into the morning sun

They are few, they are true, it's a wonder no one can believe in them

But they are also powerful, they're an army, they are legion.

Angel, great angel, love and selfless are a big part of your game

Angel, powerful angel, God calls you all by your beautiful names

Angel, loving angel, can your love and promise truly be real?

Angel, my angel, I need to know without a doubt, and with a kiss

shall they be sealed

Darkness falls and evil surrounds, can it ever be defeated?

It's only when you come and push it all away can the evil be gone

and the darkness with your light, treated

Angel, sweet angel, you truly do come from above

Angel, protecting angel, never again have to make me doubt your love

It's a wonder of will, it's a wonder of might

It's truly a wonder if ever again, she will return to me, my angel of the night

Angel, loving angel. I do value you so

It's because of an angel, I again know myself so

Angel, night angel, into the night I run once more

It's you I hope to see on the other side when I finally walk through that door

Angel, sweet angel. I'm tired of this and I'm tired of this fight

Angel, my blessed angel, you're the only reason I have kept going, 

to see this to the end, and to finally see our day, the dawning of a new night...

The End

There are times when you need to just keep fighting or give in

Sometimes to admit defeat or to keep up the fight within

This isn't 1 of those times you see, the dark days have already come

Long does he wish to get to the other side where he can

feel the warmth of the life giving sun

He has fought, fought as hard as he possibly can

He has fought hard and through it all to enter into his promised land

But for every step he takes, it seems to become further and further away

He finds himself thinking like a blackbird, wondering if he will ever find his way

For so long he's held on to the words and promise of a being he could not see

It's so far away and so far from what he thought, he often wonders, could it ever be?

It's a wonder and a miracle that he's still breathing and living in the days of this life

How could it have gone so wrong when the only thing that he wants is his wife?

How could it be so wrong that all he wants to experience is happiness and love?

I thought it was said and told that man wasn't meant to be alone, says the man above

It was He gave the promise. The One who put it in the dragon's heart

He will never understand if they were meant to be together, why keep them apart?

It seems as though his life is going straight to hell around him

It's like everything he tries and does all fail and more problems and situations surround him

So in the darkness of night, lying awake, he finds himself thinking

Feeling the weight of depression fall on him and downward he keeps sinking

Into the darkness, he continues on the path, the line between right and wrong blurring

He finally sees a choice on the horizon that gets old dark feelings stirring

It's fear that's driving him towards the ways of old, anger, pain, and darkness are all he knows 

It's that darkness that does help him but not even he realizes how much damage that it shows

As the anger and darkness takes over and begins to take hold, the laughter in his head wont stop 

Laughing, laughing, ALL HE HEARS IS THE DAMN LAUGHING, growing until his head finally pops

He wonders if he'll be able find love like he wants, does he even deserve it?

With his past and everyone that's abandoned him, why should he? He doesn't even know it

There's 1 who says that he's the love of her life and she's madly in love with him. Can it be true?

He wants to believe it, he longs to believe it, but he's never been loved, what can he really do?

Into the abyss. Into the pain. Happiness is what he longs for again

Into the blame. Into the shame. 1 last mission has come up and with it 

the consequence of possibly being slain

This is all that he has known and possibly will ever know. It's a truly tragic tale

So much hurt, pain, anguish, and anger should not ever been in any human, let alone a male

As he heads out on his final mission, he knows he risks not seeing again the light of day

But an ease to the pain has to happen, this is a honorable death, or so he will say

With 1 final stroke of the clock, the time has come, the hour of truth is at hand. 

A numb, dead look on his face, looking out, possibly seeing the last of the living land

With his final words, he says, "God, I'm sorry for everything I've done and sorry 

that I've let You down so much. I wish that 1 last time, I could feel my angel's touch."

"Maybe she could have helped me see what I couldn't about me. It's always been unclear

I often wonder how she really thinks of me, how she really feels about me."

Saying this while his heart sheds its final tears. "I've often wondered have I at least done good things 

for Your glory, then I realize the answer is no. Look at what I'm about to do now, how could I if I say I love You so?"

"God, it's with a heavy heart that I give You these final words. I'm sorry that I was so weak. I'm sorry that I've disappointed You and my angel so much." Saying this while tears stroll down his cheek

It was hard for me to live for You, but I did try and I couldn't succeed. But I thank You for giving me

my angel of the night, that woman truly meant and will always mean the world to me."

"I've given all that I have, I don't think that I have too much more left to give. But I do make You this promise,

if I make it through this, the love you've given me, I'll give to my angel and she'll truly be loved, as long as we both shall live."

"If I don't make it through this, God, keep Your hand on my angel's life. I want her happy with whoever she chooses to be with, she's truly a blessing on earth and to ANY man on this planet, she'll make a fine wife. I want to be her husband, I do with all my heart, but God, I just wanna be with her permanently, I cant fathom anymore this time apart."

"If I live through this, I'll do right by You and her this time. I've messed up so many, I cant or don't want to fail. I don't know if she would come to my funeral, but the last place I want her to see me is there or in jail. Here I go, Lord, please watch over me. Please keep me safe, Lord because I wanna be able to hold my king, Christian and my precious, Lilli. Time's up, it's time to go, down this route I go again. I'll end it here by saying in Your precious, glorious name I do pray, and I end it with Amen."

As he climbs to the roof and begins to take off running, he feels the drenching rain

on him as he looks up and takes 1 last look at the sky.

He hopes that he's made his God and his angel happy somewhere in the past or present 

because he has just realized, he's running toward his demise...

Haunting Immortal

There's a never ending war

1 that's raged on for years on end

It's the kind you only hear about in myths and folklore

The kind that if it ever ceases, only time can mend

Battling for supremacy, 2 forces clash

The power of each blow, I can feel as they lash

It's only a matter of time before something has to give

The end result will choose from there what fate I must live

It's because of the never ending battle that I'm slowly losing control

My mind and my heart screaming out, "LISTEN TO ME!" Or "Listen to me!"

I try over and over to stop the screaming and to get them to let me go

But over and over, with all the fighting and screaming, I find myself questioning my sanity

Back and forth, back and forth, the raging keeps on

With every blow, every punch, I know the end of me wont be long

Fighting for me to listen to them and not the other when I can do neither

Even if I could, I would stay with the same choice and that's not saying much either

The battle gets bloodier it seems as though the end is now in sight
There will be a victor before dawn's fair light 

The screaming, the fighting, it's now all gone. Silence is now all I hear

There must be a victor, there has to be. Is it close, is it near?

As the dust settles and the victor becomes more clearer, I see the bodies of the defeated

Each laying in a pool of their own blood as the victor stands over them

The deafening silence is finally broken by something I thought I would never hear again

Laughter. A sinister, sadistic laugh is left in the echoes of the night as I look down to what was left to me

A knife, a new beginning, and probably the most scariest of all, a Joker card

All the while I'm looking at what's left, all I hear is laughing...laughing....laughing...HA! HA! HA! 

Lacrymosa

For all the times that you've been pissed
Blame it on me
For every opportunity that I should have comforted you that I missed
Blame it on me

Every tear that you've ever shed
Blame it on me
For every drop that you gave that was crimson red
Blame it on me

For all the times that I was never there
Blame it on me
For all the times that I seemed not to care
PLEASE blame it on me

For every bit of anger that I displayed in front of you
Blame it on me
For every time, you didn't know what to do
Blame it on me

For anytime that you said it was over
Blame it on me
For all the moments I made your heart turn colder
Blame it on me

Every moment apart that we've spent away
Blame it on me
For every time you hoped, in vain, that we would be reunited one day
Blame it on me

For all the fights we've been in because of my stupidity
Blame it on me
For the times that I've robbed you of your serenity
Blame it on me

For all the times you wanted to give up because of my insecurity
Blame it on me
For the times you should have, but didn't walk away quickly
Blame it on me

You can blame it on me
Set your guilt free
Nothing can hold you back now.

Birth of the Next Dragons: CNG

It's been a year since the events of May 2011 transpired and I can definitely say that I am NOT the same man that I was back then. I've grown, I've matured, I've calmed down drastically, (OK, not drastically, I do have my moments lol), but the most important thing is that that I have gotten back closer to God and our relationship has been rejuvenated and we are closer than we've ever been. He has showed me TONS about myself that I probably wouldn't have know if He didn't take me through, so at this point right now, I'm so thankful to my Master for taking me through this, even though I couldn't see why in the beginning. I only pray that you continue to keep walking with me, Father, and that you keep giving me the wisdom that I need to keep pushing and doing what I need to do in you.

A while back I wrote a entry on my beautiful baby girl, my princess, Lilliana Simone. After that, I followed that up with an entry on my firstborn prince and the 1 who will succeed me after I'm gone, Christian Alexander. My Lilli will be an elegant, beautiful girl, walking and talking like a princess while learning what it takes to be a true queen and carrying herself as such when she grows up. My Christian will be a honorable prince. A man of integrity and morals. Always standing up for what's right and always watching over his siblings with love and care just like his parents watch over him. The both of my children will be great, but this entry is about their little sister and who she is.

Whenever the day is. Whatever month it's in. Whatever year it's in, the world will stop and take notice when Cataleya Nicole is born. The world will stand up to see 1 of the greatest female warriors to ever grace God's green earth. Like her big sister, Lilliana, she will be a graceful woman. She will have the morals, honor, and qualities of a Godly woman instilled in her by both Yahweh and her mother. She will love to be around her big brother and her big sister. She will want to do everything with them and love them both to death. There will be times where she will feel left out and like nobody notices her, but Christian and Lilliana will make sure that Cat will NEVER feel left out and like she's a part of our family. It something that she never has to worry about because of the fact that her mother and I will ensure that all of our children will be treated the same and given the same amount of love and care as the other. Cataleya is named after the beautiful orchid that grows down in South America. She also gets her name from Cataleya Restrepo, played by actress Zoe Saldana in the movie, "Columbiana." In the movie, Cateleya was a beautiful hit woman that was bent on revenge for the murders of her parents, but more importantly, she was a woman who moved gracefully, covered all of her basics, knowledgeable of guns and explosives, and also fighting techniques. With the exception of the revenge aspect, my Cataleya will also be a warrior princess. She will be trained in the martial arts that I learned and have the disciplines and the doctrines of each fighting style deeply ingrained into her. Like her mother and her older sister, she will have the grace, honor, wisdom, and qualities of a virtuous woman. Like her older brother and sister, she will walk and talk like a princess, eventually growing up to become a queen in her own right. Unlike them however, she will definitely be the 1 who wants to play with Daddy's swords and all of his training weapons. She will be the 1 who is always watching football with Daddy and learning about his favorite sport, which in turn will also become her favorite also. She will be the 1 to wanna try dangerous things and as a parent, I will have to make sure I keep that in check. HIGHLY in check.

To you, my little flower, my little Cataleya, I wanna tell you how much I love you. Yes, you aren't even born, or hell for that matter, even conceived, but Daddy still loves you so much, my little flower. Just as I promised your brother and sister, I will also promise you this. I will NEVER walk out on you. I will always be there for you, Cat. I love you too much and you mean too much to me to ever see me leave your side like that. I promise to be the best father that I can possibly be to you, baby. I've had my own issues coming up with my parents and I'm not saying that we wont ever disagree with each other, but, I love you too much to make the same mistakes that my father did with me. I will always be there whenever you need me or call on me. I will be the father that loves you with all my might and with every last breath in my body. You are our special flower, Cataleya, and your mom and I will do all that we can to cultivate, nurture, and watch you grow into the beautiful woman that we both know you're destined to become. I love you, Cataleya, and I will see you when you enter the world and take your first breath. Daddy loves you so much baby!!

The Blood Pact

The blood promise. It's something that I don't take lightly at all. It's a oath that I take to show my dedication and loyalty to whatever it is I promised. It's a promise so important that I will keep it, no matter the cost or circumstances. It's something that defines me and shows that I'm true to my word. Dedication of my promise is that I shed my blood to show my adherence to it. It's not a lot of times that I take this oath, so when I do, best believe that I'm holding onto it until either the promise is fulfilled or something so devastating negates the promise and even then, depending on what it is, wont stop me from keeping it. 


Like I said, it's been a few things in my life that I've given the blood oath to. Raising my daughter, Jessyca, when her biological father was murdered before she was even born. I stupidly made 1 on a woman that I shouldn't have and as of now, she's the 1 exception that negates me not having to carry out the promise. I took 1 on never taking a person's life willingly, only in the midst of battle, if I ever allowed it to get THAT far. It's been some important times in my life where it was needed, but none that's stood out to me more than the 1 that I took on the night of March 26/27th, 2011. That night changed me drastically forever. That was the night me and my love got into the worst argument that we've ever been in and it was brought to a point that we gave up on everything, everyone, and almost each other and decided that the only way out was to kill ourselves. The crazy part about that is, even though we came close to giving up on each other, we were willing to kill ourselves in front of each other in order to show to the other the love that was running through our blood for each other. Never before has such an unprecedented time occurred in my life before that night. NEVER have I reached a point like that in ANY relationship that I was in before her and to want to take my life in front of the one I love while she was watching and vice versa meant something. 


I honestly cant tell you what the hell the argument was over at the end. I'm willing to bet pretty good money, she doesn't remember either. What's CLEAR though is the impact and the legacy that it imprinted on the both of us. Looking back on that night, 1 year later tonight, I can see that that was the stepping stone into a whole new level of deeper meaning and the beginning of an eye opening for the 2 of us. A year later on this date, we both can see how much we truly mean to each other. How deep our love runs for each other, but also, we see the fear that we have in each other. It's not that we are afraid of each other or that we don't want to be together. It's the fact that we want to be together and we know how good we are to each other. That's something neither of us has truly experienced in our lives and to find that in the other is both a thrilling and fearful thing. It's human nature to fear what you don't understand, and neither of us understand the impact that we have had on each other and the divine potential that we have to truly change each other and bring about a happiness that's never been felt in either of our lives. 


I don't blame her for this, at least not anymore, and I don't think that she could be mad at me for feeling that way sometimes. It's just how it is when you can see greatness standing right in front of you and you're scared to take it because you feel as though you don't deserve it. It's a feeling that most that come across it have to deal with, (not talking about the folk that's entitled and feel they deserve it and didn't lift a fucking finger to earn it). The first step of faith is always hard, but it's so worth it once it's taken. The night of March 26/27th changed me deeply because never did I think that I would ACTUALLY do something like that. But the real thing is, never did I think I could EVER love a woman as much as I love you. After all the dust settled, after we talked, after we calmed down and we looked into each other's eyes that night, I finally realize the reason I love you so much and it's not just because you are my Angel. I love you the way I do because of how vulnerable you are. How you cry out for help, and even though you hate to admit it and show it, you call out for it. That even though you think the strong woman you are doesn't exist, she really does. She's buried in the helplessness inside of the outer shell that you put on to try and be strong for others. She cant be made manifest when you grab on to a hand that's ready to pull her out. 


For you and only you, my Angel of the night, will I shed my blood and will I continue to endure, constantly living in torment, suffering, and pain. Because I took a blood oath on you, I will never give up on you. I will never leave your side when you call on me. Even though you cant see me, I'm always there, watching in the shadows. My protector's eye always watching over you. My hand, always extended, waiting for you to grab it. You are and will forever be, the most beautiful creature that I've ever laid eyes on and that Yahweh brought into my life and I am forever and eternally grateful for that. My Angel, there's something that you did that night also that I didn't realize until November 13, 2011. It was the night of March 26/27th that you took a blood oath on myself also. It was the fateful night of November 13 that showed you that in spite of it all and in spite of everything that transpired between those 2 dates, you couldn't be without me also. Your last thoughts were of me, or so you thought they were the last. We have the blood and the essence of each other flowing through our veins. Our essences passed on to each other every time we consummated. Our spirits, unbreakable, every time we looked into each other's eyes. Our will power, never giving up on each other, no matter what.


While March 26/27th was meant to be a bad night, our Father used it and turned it around for something good because He showed us something that 2 ordinary humans thought was gone, but that He knew all along was there because He planted it there. We thought love was gone, but He knew that was only the beginning of the strengthening process and that the love between us is more powerful and stronger than we could have ever dreamed or thought. It was on this night that me and my love took a blood pact on each other and it was also on this night that we both realized, how much we both love each other, now and forever...