November 13, 2011. A date that will live in infamy as the date that changed my life. It's funny how fate works. Just after hearing news of an earlier accident involving my heart, who knew I would be fighting for my own life shortly? All I remember is just racing down the street, talking to my brother, getting out tears of sadness, rage, anger, and despair and the next thing I know, CRASH!! Twisted metal, bodies, and the ocean of blood everywhere over the crash site. As I slowly slipped in and out of consciousness, I finally succumbed and blacked out.
In my unconscious state, I saw many things. None more important than the vision of my angel. All of the arguing, all of the pain, all of the back and forth. All of the pointless issues that we've argued over. Who's right. Who's wrong. All of that. None of that shit didn't matter at that point because I was sitting here in a pool of my own blood, bleeding out and feeling that I would never make to sunrise, but I was gonna fight for as long as I can to cling on to my life. Thinking about everything that I was an issue, my unconscious self wrote down in a letter everything that I needed to say in case I didn't make it back to her. The first thing was for thinking that you were using me to get things. Juju, I, as well as you, have a history of being used. I have never known what it was to be genuinely appreciated and I also have never known what it was to genuinely give to a person that I love with my heart. I've always been taken advantage of and I've always been used and greatly abused. I wish I could have taken those words back or at the very least explained them, but right now, at this point, I cant. All I can hope for is that you forgive me and that I wish that never happened. If I would have known that tonight was going to happen, I DEFINITELY would have never said something so foolish and so dumb. I'm so sorry for a thought like that to even cross my mind, regardless of my circumstances at the time, I didn't have to take it out on you, but I guess for me doing that, I got what I deserve.
For all the times that I yelled or was cussing like crazy, I'm so very sorry my love. I've never really been good with containing my emotions once I let them out. I'm so used to keeping everything in and once I do let it out, it comes out in a negative way. It was you that showed me how to release them in a more positive way and I have gone from that. I should have never forgotten that which you helped me with because maybe I would be a better person and maybe I wouldn't be fighting for my life in this pretzel of a car right now. I wish I would have listened but I didn't and that's my fault.
For all the times when I was too fuckin stubborn or too bullheaded to listen. I'm sorry, I'm a man, that's all I can say and most men tend to wanna think they're right or that they can fix everything. Luckily, I'm not like them in the way that I can admit when I'm clearly wrong and that I caused something or it's genuinely my fault. I know now that I cant just try to fix or solve all of your problems and that sometimes, you just need me to listen and give you feedback when you ask me a question or how I feel about something. If I can make it out of this and see your beautiful face again, I'm gonna tell you how much I'm sorry and how much I love you and how much I want us to work because me being like this doesn't help us at all.
Most importantly thought, for all the times that you've felt neglected or that I didn't wanna be bothered with you or your problems, I just wanted tell you that's completely not the case and I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. Baby, I work for you. I live for you. I love spoiling you, I love making you happy. I love seeing that beautiful smile on your face and I love seeing you feel good, and looking good. I spoil you so much because I never had a girl who was worth it to spend on and plus my daughter isn't here anymore, so somebody has to have my affection. I do admit that I am tired a lot because I work so hard for us to have things while you're still looking for work, but honestly babe, I don't have 1 problem with it. I love knowing that I can give you what you ask for and I love seeing that you appreciate it and that you do love me. Sometimes I work too hard and I miss it and sometimes I mistake you not saying much for unappreciation, and that's my mistake. I love doing for you and do what I do because of you because I know you do appreciate it and that if I did have to ever call on you, you'll be there quicker than I could call. As for your decision that you made before this unfortunate accident, change your mind again and call on me. Ask me. Let me do it. I want to. I'm choosing to. I apologize for the stupid thought that ran in my head, but it definitely wasn't because of you. All those who don't appreciate me and what I do for them got to me and I should have never brought that to you because you didn't cause it. If I make it to sunrise, I just want you to know how sorry I am and please forgive me.
As this letter ends, and my unconscious mind fades to black, I float through that dark abyss, wondering if I will ever get a chance to see your face, get the chance to say I'm sorry, and we give ourselves the chance to truly love each other like we've never loved anymore before. I can feel my soul leaving my body and my breaths becoming less and less. Then a white light appears and I can see the figure of a person come down and stand in front of me. I hear His voice, so clear, so deep. My son, I have given you this promise. I DO NOT want to take it away, but you have to do your part and fight to make it stay. I can only do so much, you have your work to do as well. If you cannot, I will give your promise to someone else, while your dream burns in hell. She loves you so much, she's not what she used to be, does she still have a way to go? Yes, but she's changed, how blind do you have to be? I know you're scared, and I know you're hurt, She knows that and so do I. But just trust Me and trust her and watch how I raise you 2 dragons to the sky. Take her hand as she takes yours, let go and finally be free. Love each other as much and as hard as you can, and you both keep your eyes on Me. Cherish each other and be in love deep, you've both been waiting for this day. I make you this promise and you know I'll keep it, I will marry you both on your special day. Love her my son, love her deep, that's all she wants you to do. Don't ever stop, and she wont either, and to you both, I will always be true.
I regain my consciousness and to my surprise, I cant believe I came out of that alive. I have no idea how I got out of that because I KNOW I should have been dead. It's only by the grace of God that I escaped that and He gave me my life back. In my hospital bed, I looked around, blessed that I was alive. Thanking God for bringing me through that experience. As I look around my hospital room and I look down, I see a piece of paper in my hand. It took all of my might to open it, but it was the very letter that my unconscious mind wrote to you, my angel of the night. God gave me another chance to make things right and for us to finally be the way we were meant to be and to show what true love looks like, being forged through fire and the pressure of friends and others, to form a beautiful diamond of a relationship that cant be broken and that God Himself crafted to show off His power and the works that He has done.
It took one moment in time and a near death experience to bring me to this point, but it will take a lifetime of me showing the world just how much I love my wife, my angel of the night. My Juju...
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