A Letter to God

To You, my Lord and Creator,

You know the events of last night already and I don't have to go through the whole painful process of bringing it up again. I can admit that while some things that were said probably needed to be, what I do feel bad about is a couple of things that I let come out of my mouth and how the whole thing ended. That's both a blessing and a curse. A blessing that You gave me to say what's on my mind or what I'm feeling regardless of what people might think of it. It's the curse of my humanity that turns it into a bad thing because sometimes I don't think before I speak and that's usually the thing that gets me into arguments or trouble period. I'm happy that it isn't what it used to be, all things considered, but last night is proof that I still have a long way to go in terms of getting it under control. I honestly regret not giving her the time that she wanted to speak because I don't know what she might have said, Only You 2 do. If 1 of us had passed last night and those were the last words that we said to each other, I would have felt so damn guilty for the rest of my life because of how I ended that and I know that I would never talk to her like that either.

I have to get this all out because it's destroying my heart and it's pissing me off completely. You have told me that I can come to You with what I'm feeling as long as I'm sincere about my feelings. Well Master, You were with me all night at work and You know how much it tore me up not being able to concentrate on my tasks at hand and how much I was thinking about the words that I said and how they affected her. God, I know that You will forgive me because I'm asking for it right now as I write this and I need both You and Ju to understand how sorry I am. I'm not sorry about some things that I did say because that is how I really feel about the situation. At the same time though, I feel terrible about saying fuck you. While we have been saying that because we're completely pissed at each other, I told You and myself that I wouldn't say that anymore and yet here I was, saying the same thing that I told myself I wouldn't do.

Truth of the matter is, it's not even her. Yea, she gets on my fucking nerves and she irritates the hell outta me just like I more than do for her, but it's never been about that. You've blessed me to be good at conveying my emotions, but the 1 thing that's always been hard for me to do, at least in a proper way, is convey my frustrations and my anger or being upset. I do have a hard time speaking on that and when I do, it comes out in ways that both alienates me from people and puts me in positions where Juju so adequately put it. "putting my foot in my mouth." I can definitely say that I did that last night and it wasn't even because of her. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm tired of this shit man. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE STILL GOING THROUGH THIS?! WHY THE HELL CAN I NOT BE REUNITED WITH HER?! WHY THE HELL MUST I CONSTANTLY SIT IN THIS FORSAKEN ASS CITY WHEN THE PERSON I LOVE IS IN THE SAME PLACE THAT I'VE BEEN WANTING TO RETURN BACK TO?! WHY THE HELL EVEN MAKE ME A DAMN PROMISE IF YOU WEREN'T GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH ON IT?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?! WHY CANT I SAVE MONEY JUST TO RETURN TO HER?! WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T I JUST STAY WHEN I HAD THE DAMN CHANCE?! WHY THE HELL WONT YOU JUST BLESS ME WITH THE MONEY THAT I CAN COME BACK TO HER AND WE COULD BE ABLE TO START THE FAMILY THAT ALL 3 OF US HAVE PLANNED FOR SO LONG?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!

That's all I've wanted, God. I just wanted to be around her. I'm not mad at her. I'm pissed at this situation. It seems like all that we both try to do gets cuts off because of constant bullshit ass reasons. The 1 thing that we've both have tried so hard to get keeps eluding us. WHY?! If we aren't meant to be together, then why the hell do You keep bringing us back to each other?! Why wont You just close the door in both of our lives to each other and then put us on the path to meet the people that we are suppose to be with? I don't understand it. I look at the bible verse that's suppose to be my promise and it hurts to believe in it anymore. I still have hope that You will bring it to pass, but DAMN Master! It's been a full year and change now since You gave me that promise and yet, here I am still, waiting for it come to pass. I can honestly say that I've tried to do everything that I could to make it happen myself and work to get it myself, but everything that I've tried has blown up in my face and has failed. Maybe I am suppose to wait on You to move in my life for You to get Your glory, but DAMN GOD! You were STILL gonna get Your glory, regardless. You were still gonna be praised for the fact that it was You who brought us together, not anything that she or I have done. You were gonna get Your glory because of everything that You taught us during the year apart and the time apart. WHY CANT WE JUST BE TOGETHER?! WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH THAT?!

We know what went wrong the last time. You were jealous that we left you out of the center and that we didn't build upon you. Now we've done that and we know that without You, we cant do anything, so WHY NOT HELP US NOW?! Why not give us that which we have been wanting since we first met each other? I don't understand it and it's really fucking with me!! I just want this to stop. I'm fucking tired of having to look at the 1 I love through a fucking computer screen. I'm tired of having to celebrate special holidays or birthday 700+ miles away from the person that I wanna share them with. People who don't give 2 shits about the person they're with, constantly cheating on this, abusing them both verbally and physically, hell even emotionally, spiritually, and financially, lying to them, and disrespecting them on an everyday basis are blessed enough to see the people that their hurting on a daily basis, yet 2 people who really love each other so much and trying to be with each other and marry each other cant even get to each other, despite their best efforts. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN FAIR?! WHY SHOULD WE EVEN BELIEVE IN GOODNESS IN THIS WORLD WHEN SHIT LIKE THAT IS ALLOWED TO HAPPEN?! Are we to believe that you only reward the wicked of this world while the people who try to do good and do right are constantly taken from and must suffer hardships?

That's not fair in the slightest and You know it. I've spoken to You, prayed to you, hell to the point of where I'm begging and nagging You. You know what I want, what she wants, WHY THE HELL CANT WE JUST HAVE THIS?! Yes, we will argue. Yes, we will make each other angry. Yes, we will disagree. We're sadly human. We want to have a perfect relationship where none of that happens and we live in complete bliss and harmony, but we aren't blind to know that will never happen. Quite honestly, I'm sick and tired of fucking arguing with her. We've NEVER argued nowhere near this much and it isn't because of any damn thing we've done to each other. It's because of all the shit this SITUATION has caused. This shit has caused all of the anger, trust issues, and broken heart of myself. This shit has caused all of the pain, the wars, and the constant fighting off insanity in her. We both want peace. We both wanna be happy. We both just wanna live our lives with the person that we love. We have been attacking each other (another thing we've never done) constantly because of this bullshit ass situation. 2 frustrated ass people fed up with this situation wont mesh well. We don't wanna have to see each other at sporadic times of the year just to be pissed again that we have to leave each other and wonder when the hell we will see each other again. That's the 1 thing that I've asked of You for so long. Doesn't the fact that You could have taken her life last year, but chose to not to speak for anything?! Does the fact that You blessed her to keep living and learn HIGHLY from that situation speak of anything?! I mean come on!

All I just want is to be with, love this girl, and marry her. That's ALL I want. Hell I might have completely fucked that all up last night because of my anger and frustration with this shit and how much it weighs on me. I'm tired of seeing this damn girl through a fucking web cam. The only, ONLY, time that should even happen is if 1 of us has to be in a part of the country the other isn't, or if we're in a different part of the country OR serving it. We shouldn't be constantly warring with each other because of something that's out of our control that we're trying to put in our control. You can do something about this, but You're choosing not to, WHY?! WHY TORTURE US OR TAKE US THROUGH THIS WHEN YOU CAN CHANGE IT?! THIS SHIT HURTS EVERYDAY THAT I HAVE TO EXPERIENCE IT!! I DON'T WANNA BE WITHOUT HER ANOTHER FUCKIN SECOND!! I WANNA BE AROUND HER AND MARRY HER. HAVE LILLIANA, ARIANA, CHRISTIAN, AND MAYBE DOMINIC. WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT WANTING TO BE AROUND AND LOVING THE HELL OUT OF THE WOMAN YOU PROMISED ME?! WHO YOU GAVE ME HOSEA 6:1 ABOUT!! WHAT THE FUCK IS SO MUTHAFUCKIN WRONG WITH JUST WANTING TO BE AROUND A WOMAN THAT I WANNA MAKE MY DAMN WIFE, MAN?!

I'm truly sorry for coming off so angry. This is all my frustration. All my anger, All my sadness, and me just being completely tired of this shit and tired of dealing with this. It's been 2+ years now and when the hell is gonna stop?! When the hell when it end? I'm tired of this. This is how I sincerely feel about all this and I wanna just be with her, God. I love Juju so much and You know how much I thank you for her. Yes, I complain to You about her just like I know she does me all the time, but it doesn't change the fact that I love her so much. If I fucked up last night for good, then that's my fault and I can chalk that up to me, no one else. I stand on my own 2 and accept the charges and consequences of my actions. I know that I cant keep doing that and expecting her to always understand and want to continue talking to me. I want her in my life. Simple as that. I want to marry this woman and I've told damn near everybody I know that I'm gonna marry this woman, her mother included. I know that I need to voice my frustrations about things and I now know that I don't have to voice them to to people, I can just take to my blog and write what's going on in my twisted ass mind.

God, I just want the promise to come through. I know that it's gonna be done on Your time and not on mine, so I guess the only thing that I can really ask for is that You both forgive me for my actions last night, that she comes back to me, but most importantly, that you give me the patience and the serenity to keep at this because right now, I'm at the point and that I'm so beating up over this and I'm so weary that I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it and continue on this path anymore. I ask this and of course all things in Your blessed, powerful, and merciful name.

                                                                          Amen