Sacrifice

Sacrifice. Something that a lot of people know all too well. It's something that a LOT of people have had to do in their lives at one point or another. It's also something that a lot of people have chose not to go the route of when it came to something in their lives that required the choice.

One of the definitions of the word goes as follows. Sacrifice -noun. The surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim. I've seen a lot of people sacrifice for the sake of their family, their friends, their children. I've seen some people sacrifice jobs (see Colin Kaepernick) for what they strongly believe in, their families, their integrity, even their common sense for some conviction that they felt was so right, but ended up destroying them in the end. I've even seen 1 pay the ultimate sacrifice, giving their lives to keep someone they love alive, (if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be typing this right now).

I know what those that will sacrifice for those that they love look like. Hell, I've been 1 of them more times than I care to admit. But I've always been curious about those that refuse to do it. Like what goes through your head when the choice is presented to you? Is there nothing in this world that you're not ready to sacrifice for? Is there no one in this world you will sacrifice for? This is why I've always been curious as to how men can just so easily walk away from their children. I completely understand that there are reasons that would make you walk away, 1 major one being that your spouse cheated and it's not your child, but I've never completely understood that if it's your child, why WOULDN'T you want to stay and take care of them?

I get that the relationship between the man and the woman has reached a point where they don't want to be with each other anymore, I completely get that. What about the child though? The person that didn't have a say in whether they wanted to be born or not. The child is depending on both of the parents for survival and understanding of the world in their limited view of it during that time. How can you look into the eyes of a child and willingly choose to walk away? How can you decide lay down for the fun and easy part of it, but as soon as it's time to step up, you decide to walk away? No child deserves that. There are things that each parent can teach to the child that the other cant, no matter how many super parents there are out there trying to do the best they can by being both parents to the child.

This is in no means to knock anyone. I've been on a bit of a mind altering path and I'm just trying to take a look at all the things that I've always seen, and REALLY take an in-depth look into the reasoning and the why of all decisions that I've seen made and my own decisions.

There will come a time in every one's life, especially as those moments continue in my life as well, where these moments will come up and you'll be faced with a choice. For some people, the answer will be as clear as day and there wont ever be a need to think about it. But for those that will question it and have to think, I ask you simply this:

Who are you?
What are you made of?
Do you really want to do this?
What are you really losing?
Do you care enough about those people to really do this?
Are you gonna be selfish or do the right thing?

The answers, decisions, and actions of people during those crucial moments will tell you a lot of what you need to know about them if you choose to see it. Everyone has to sacrifice something at some point in their lives. Will you be ready when your time comes?

Your Soul Is Mine

You come to the door and I'm right there to greet you with a hug and kiss. Without you realizing it, I pick you and take you upstairs.

I start kissing you passionately and deeply, undressing you as I move my kisses down your neck, slowly and sensually. 

I glide my lips and my tongue slowly down your chest, making sure not to miss a single inch of your perfection. 

I guide my tongue around your areola, making my way to your nipple. I take it in my mouth and softly flick it while my other hand is caressing the other, getting it ready for my touch. 

My mouth is salivating at the thought of soon devouring you. I take your other nipple in my mouth, giving it the same amount of pleasure, but I'm satisfied with light teasing and I want what you were laid down for.

As I kiss and lick my way down, I can read your body like a map. I see how anxious it's getting. I see how much you crave it, even more than myself.

I finally arrive at my destination point and I'm ready to receive you in all of your perfection and all of your glory. I start kissing up and down your thigh, admiring and loving every inch of you.

I can feel your anticipation growing as you start softly pleading that I taste you right this second.

I switch to your other leg. I can see your wetness dripping. I can see your animality dying to be released. 

Your anticipation is now at a full roar and you are begging for me to taste you now. 

I continue my licking, kissing, and caressing up and down your leg. You cant take anymore and you pull me up to kiss me deeply. 

I break the kiss and travel my way back down between your legs. I take off your boyshorts and gaze upon your beauty.
How beautiful your face is. How wonderfully created you are. How every inch of you has been crafted in precise transcendence. Your beauty is absolutely astounding.
I lovingly take my first taste, and my GAWD, your essence tastes astounding!
I need more. I crave more! I lick up against your pussy lips, slowly and skillfully licking up each one, driving you insane and wanting me to give more.
I slowly slide my tongue inside of you, tasting more and more of your essence, your moans becoming more and more louder, reacting to my repeated motions of sliding in and out of you.
My determination to create the raging waterfall contained within causes me to work my way up to your clit.
I can feel your wetness multiply. I got you. Your soul is starting to slip. You know it and so do I. But before I take it, I'm gonna finish what I started.
I run my tongue over your clit slightly, making you let out an excited moan. It's been throbbing and waiting for me to give it the pleasure that it so rightfully deserves.
I slowly lick and contort my tongue all over it, making tiny circles on it, lightly sucking on it, driving you wild in ecstasy.
As I keep my focus on your clit, I feel your soul slipping more and more as you grab my head to keep my tongue right there.
Your moans get more and more continuous and heavier and heavier and louder. Your soul is MINE! I can feel your body trembling, thrashing, ready to explode.
I keep sucking on your clit with more intensity and more fervency, and to make sure that I capture your soul once and for all, a la Shang Tsung. I slide two fingers inside your pussy to hit your spot because I have ensure your waterfall too (oh look at that, correct usage of to/two/too lmao).
The moment is close. You cant hold on much longer. You grab my head to keep it planted and wrap your legs tightly around my head.
I speed up my fingering and my sucking as you scream that you're about to cum. I take my fingers out and focus on your clit.
With a loud moan, you give me what I've been wanting all this time. With all the force of Niagara Falls exploding from you, I swallow and lick up every single drop.
I turn my attention back to your clit as my evil conquest continues, gently licking and kissing it. Slowly licking my way all over your pussy and making sure that I've licked up every single drop...before the look of evil drapes my face again and I begin sucking your clit with fervor again. You cant control yourself as your wrap your legs back around my head and once again, cum in my mouth.
This time, I'm not letting go and I keep sucking. Over and over, you keep cumming, moaning and begging me to stop and that you cant take it anymore. I'm not stopping until you literally push me off of you.
As I keep sucking and you keep cumming, the last bit of strength that you can muster, you push me off and you collapse on the bed.

Your eyes looking at me, my eyes looking at you. You wont say it, but you and I both know it. Your soul is now officially mine.

As you gather yourself and crawl over to the edge of the bed, you look into my eyes and ask me where all of that came from..."It's simple. I love pleasing, and I get pleasure from pleasing you. Also, you know how much I love to give head and I wanted your soul." With that, I get up and walk away laughing as you drift to sleep in orgasmic bliss...

The Sonya Remonstration

Anyone who knows me knows that there are certain women that I will always, ALWAYS hold in reverence and high regard. I will ALWAYS love my mother (duh). I will ALWAYS love my Nana (rest her soul). I will ALWAYS honor any woman that I'm with (if I HAD ONE!! Lost the happy, but the happy's back!). There's also 1 more woman that I will always honor and I will go to my grave doing it also. That woman is named Sonya Marie Washington. Anyone that knows me knows the story of her and the tragic way that her life ended. I even recalled the entire thing in my entry called, "The Day of Black Moon." She was the first love of my life and she was murdered in front of me. Those close to me understand how much that day and the repercussions of it stayed with me and how much that's changed my views on the world and how I react to certain situations.

There has been an issue with my honoring of her though. It's always been perceived as though I am still holding on to her and that I am still in love her with even though she's not here anymore. Here's my problem with this. I've never understood why certain women that I've dated have had some kind of issue with her in one form or another. One woman thought that I "completely disregarded her and that I was so hung up on her still when there was a woman who was ready to love me and be there and blah blah blah...*rolls eyes HEAVY*. To be completely honest, she showed a LOT of red flags to begin with and her constant disrespect of her was enough to end things with her, regardless of things that ended up causing our demise anyway. One woman had an issue with me taking her to a spot that I went to with Sonya and viewed it as me thinking about Sonya rather than me thinking about her and me still being hung up on her. One woman even had a damn issue with me honoring her birthday and the anniversary of her death because "she was dead and gone and that I shouldn't be worried about her anymore because, once again, I had a real life woman right there who cared and loved me and who wasn't dead." Needless to say, she almost got the entire soul knocked out her ass for saying that shit, but I simply just left her ass there. 

Here's what I've found out. NO. MATTER. WHAT I've said and done to convince these women that everything was cool and it wasn't as deep as the scenarios that played out in their heads, they still refused to listen to me. Here's a couple things people need to know about me and 14 years that's passed since Sonya was murdered. First things First: 

There's a DISTINCT difference between me not being over Sonya's death and accepting that she's gone and she's never coming back. Here's the difference. I COMPLETELY ACCEPTED THAT SONYA IS GONE!! I KNOW that she's never coming back. I know that I will never be able to see her again. HENCE THE REASON I honor her memory on the day she was born and on the day she died. Just because she's gone doesn't mean that I cant remember and honor the time she spent on this earth. THE WAY she died is something that I may probably never get over because it happened DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME!! I TRIED TO JUMP IN FRONT OF THE BULLETS AND I WAS TOO LATE IN GETTING THERE! That's something traumatic. Something that causes Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm sure there have been things in your lives that's been hard to live down. Imagine how that would feel for me. I don't subscribe to what society says a man should be. I've never agreed with toxic and hyper masculinity and I damn sure don't plan on starting now.

Secondly, I would NEVER take ANYONE to ANY place that me and Sonya shared if I DIDN'T find you worthy enough of going there. I did that shit once to an EXTREMELY ungrateful bastard and I'm still pissed at myself for doing it. I wish I never even let her come even remotely close to her memorial site. There are only 2 people that I've called love interests that have been worthy enough of going to see her site. I hold that place EXTREMELY close to my heart. If I even toy with the idea of taking you there, I give an absolute damn about you. I care about you immensely to do that. To this very day, only me, her family, ONLY 1 of my closest friends, and that ungrateful bastard have stepped foot on her site. I honor the Fallen in my life extremely lovingly and I wont stand for the disrespect of them just like I wouldn't want to show any kind of disrespect to anyone's loved ones either. 

Third. I know there are people in my life who care and love me and just want to be there. Here's the thing and I finally realized what it was when I saw it for the third time. I cant for the life of me figure out why the love interests that come into my life feel like that they have to compete with a woman who's no longer walking this earth anymore. Why?! Why do you feel threatened? What can she possibly do? What do you think she has that you cant get? If I wasn't over her, there's no way that I would waste my time or my money in the pursuit of you. I would just sit by her grave site every day and just talk to her. All day, everyday. Just because she holds a special place in my heart doesn't mean that I'm still holding on to her. It's very much possible to love someone and still move on from them. Hell, you see the shit everyday in relationships now. You can love someone and everything that you shared with them and be able to move on and create new memories with someone else and love them exactly the same. It's not one or the other. 

For the last time. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BE OR FEEL THREATENED BY A WOMAN WHO IS NO LONGER LIVING!! As much as I will always love Sonya and what she meant to my life, I will NEVER let that come between a potential relationship. I'm guilty of a lot of things, some of them a tad dark, but I will NEVER be guilty of that. 

So PLEASE!! There's nothing to be threatened by or jealous of. All I'm doing is simply honoring her and her memory.

The Amber Effect

I've been fortunate enough to be alive for 30 years. In my short time on this planet, I've seen and experienced a lot for someone of my age. Some people say that life actually starts for you when you turn 30. Some people dread the day that they turn 30. Some people look forward to that special milestone in their lives. Me? I was DEFINITELY one of those people not looking forward to my 30th. I dreaded the day and I felt like my immortality and my invincibility were leaving me and that I would feel so weak and like a mortal. Fortunately, the sense of immortality hasn't left my mind. It has evolved though. I don't too much look at myself as immortal anymore. But I do know that I wanna live forever. Which is why it's now transformed into me making sure that I leave a legend behind that allows me to live forever. I want to be that dude that no one will ever forget. I want be the person that every one remembers when a certain word or phrase is mentioned. I want to be the person that has left a lasting impression on every one that I come in contact with so that way, I'm never forgotten.

I opened up with that because in my 30 years on this planet, I've also dealt with a lot of relationships too. A lot them have ended up being nothing. Some have been extremely important life learning sessions. A couple of them I still hold dear to my heart. But there was one that completely changed my way of thinking in terms of a relationship and taught me EASILY one of the most important lessons about approaching them moving forward. I owe it all to one woman. Our dating phase began back in 2014. Granted, we didn't last long, but because of her, I learned more about relationships within that 2 month time frame than I ever had in the years before when I first started dating.

It was a woman by the name of Amber who instilled in me a relationship mainstay that I didn't know existed before her and that I've been looking for since her. She was the first woman to give me a sense of what it meant to truly feel like you were at home in a relationship. Like she was so comforting, warm, loving. Anytime that I would go over her house, she made me feel welcomed. Her dog was a bit on the conservative side, but Peanut quickly warmed up to me. We cooked for each other. We looked after each other. It almost felt like we were a family. Me, her and the dog. Like I said, we didn't last long (it was no one's fault, just shit timing), but I understand what her purpose was in my life. It was to show me that I've been thinking about approaching relationships completely wrong. For the last 3 years I haven't come anywhere remotely close to what it was that I felt with Amber. I'm not usually one for overt sentimentality, but when it comes to that time period in my life, I hold it in high regard because of the lesson she taught me. I'm still looking for the woman who helps me to feel that again. I'll know it's real because I'm convinced that the next time I feel it, it's gonna be with the one who was meant for me. 

When that day comes, no matter who it's with, whether it's someone completely new or a woman of the past who has changed, the reason things will be different will be because of one woman. Amber Pratcher. Thank you, Amber J, for the lesson you passed onto me. You'll never know the eternal gratitude that I'll always have for you coming into my life and the imprint that you've left on it.

Questions Pt. 2

Why do it?

Why did you go the route you did?

Why is it that you chose to run from something good to return to what you CONSTANTLY complained about?

Why do you like being hurt? 

Why cant you put yourself first sometimes?

Why have you allowed your life to become this?

Why have you allowed the darkness to consume you?

Why do you constantly venture into the darkness?

What are you afraid of?

Why wont you let yourself get closer to anyone?

Why do you push away when some people just really want to help you?

What will you do once you realize that you were wrong and the person that you wanted to be there for you is no longer there anymore?

What will you do once you realize you were wrong?

How far will you go to get the person you love back?

How far will you go to prove to the person you love that they mean everything to you?

What will you do if that person doesn't take you back?

What will you do if that person chooses never to speak to you ever again?

Probably the biggest question of all, what can you do when the person that you love the most dies and you cant take back all the things you've done to them nor can you tell them how much you love them ever again?

These are questions I ask myself all the time. These are questions that I try to shape my life around to always remember the fact that, I shouldn't EVER take anyone that I love for granted. I've had special people in my life and I cant get the moments back that I should have told some of them how much I love and appreciate them. So, regardless of how my emotions may make me go inward and walk to the precipice of darkness, I try my absolute hardest to let the people I love know that I love them. I never know when I wont get that chance again.

The Last Hero Pt.1: The King Has Fallen

48 hours. That's all it took for the king and his kingdom to fall. Just 48 hours. His kingdom didn't fall because of an all out great war. It didn't fall because of some great plague and completely eradicated his people. It didn't fall because of some unforeseen natural disaster either. No, the king and his kingdom fell by one swift blade to the back and through the heart. It fell by someone that was able to infiltrate into it without a second glance by anyone else. The kingdom fell...at the hands of a woman.

I'm speaking symbolically of course, but still. The king has never experienced such a heartbreak like this before and people close to him knew that he's gone through some HORRIBLE heartbreaks. Sadly, it isn't the first time that this woman has entered the kingdom and has tried to take it down from within, but this time, it was for the death shot. The woman has been good at wounding the king. She's done it numerous times over the years. Every time, the king got back up, stronger, but sadly a little bit more wounded each and every time. What makes the slaying of the king so heartbreaking is because it was a clear path this time around. There weren't any obstacles in the way this time. There weren't any queens or mistresses to deal with. There wasn't anything. Just a clear path to seduce and destroy. To finally put the king down for good. To make sure that he was no longer an anomaly left unchecked. That would cause anymore problems from her mission. To make sure that her future was absolutely secured and that the king could no longer be a threat to fight for his kingdom.

With the death of the king, the woman and the object of her affection, her love, her barbarian, easily ransacked the kingdom. Took all of its treasures for themselves, living like royalty while watching the destruction of the kingdom they easily overtook. The barbarian now sits on the throne of the former king and the woman sits on the throne that was already made for her and create the kingdom anew in their image. They can sup and drink at the table where the king used to break bread. They can bathe in the tears of the people, the former king's loved ones, and even the king himself as he took one last look into the eyes of his betrayer. They can make love and lay on the same bed that the woman and the king use to lay. They can rejoice and celebrate the fact that the king is finally dead after all this time and the woman can finally get what she's been wanting from the barbarian for years. She knew the king could offer her the world and everything she's ever desired. From being looked after to being the most loved woman on the face of the planet, the woman knew what was before her and what her life could possibly be like. Only the woman will ever know why she chose the way that she did, but the consequences of her choice has left a king dead, a kingdom in ruins, and her and the barbarian posed for a complete takeover. The kingdom has fallen.

Some time has passed and the barbarian and the woman have now made the kingdom in their own image. After a particular disagreement between them, the distraught woman rushes to the window in tears and stares into the moonlit night. As she stares at the stars and stares at the moon, in all of its majesty, she ponders, albeit briefly, if she made the right choice with her betrayal and her role in the murder of the king. As the thought passes through and away from her mind and she goes to prepare herself for bed, she overhears a booming roar. She hears the people screaming in terror. She runs back to the window and there is the terrifying sight. A Dragon rising from the horizon...

Curtain Call: Fading to Black...

THERE'S SO MUCH RAGE AND ANGER AND FUCKING CUSS WORDS THAT I WANNA GET THE FUCK OUT OF ME SO BAD!!! LIKE I'M ENTIRELY FUCKING FURIOUS RIGHT NOW!!!

Without trying to lie to you all like I'm a Black preacher, I promise that I'm not gonna be before you long (yes I actually mean it lol). Well...THIS has a been a hell of a fucking few hours. So much said. So much done. So much to pick up from and try to move forward from AGAIN. I'm honestly very disoriented and I'm once again left in a state of I have no idea where to go or what to do. Instead of doing this long, drawn out story, I'll just keep it simple. Guy meets girl 8 years ago. Guy and girl like each other. Guy and girl date for a while. Guy gets cheated on by girl. Guy spends the next 8 years trying to show girl that he loves her. Girl keeps walking away from guy for males who take advantage of her, abuse her, or really does love her, but also knows what he can do and what not to do to get back into her graces again. Guy thought there was a genuine chance with girl this time. Guy once again learns there wasn't and gets his heart broken again by Girl.

It's been an entire emotional roller coaster since it all started back in 2009, but once again I'm the one that's standing on the side holding every one's stuff while they get to ride the ride. Because I've been reflecting for the last hour or so, I can see how people on the outside looking in would say that I'm stupid as fuck. I keep running back to a woman who continuously keeps hurting me and I didn't care how I looked. I loved her deeply and I didn't think about how crazy I would end up looking, even though I knew the end result. Here's the thing with me. I tend not to give up on people. People that I KNOW that I should have given up on a long time ago. For all of my darkness and the fact that I'm so cold and distant, one of my best friends, Danielle (sorry Snoopy, I just wanted to write your name knowing you don't like it ha ha), read me like a book. I am a LOT kinder and a LOT more loving than I give myself credit for because I do have a long history of going cold and completely isolating myself from love and from people. I also have a history of going completely out of my way and giving my last or dealing with issues of people that don't concern me in the slightest, but yet I'm there trying to resolve it. I hate that I'm like that sometimes because it definitely comes out more for those that don't deserve it because I'm trying to earn their love and affection.

Now for the moment of truth. The person who caused all of this to happen. The reason that I'm writing this entry right now. Delnisha. There's so much anger and rage that I wanna direct towards you. There's so much hurt that needs to be dealt with. I want to hate you and burn your existence from my mind and every single trace of you that's ever existed to me from the moment I met you in  May of 2009 to what just might have been the last time that I talk to you ever again earlier today in 2017. I want to say so many negative things. I simply cant. I don't want to. I love you and I'm sure that I'm always going to also. I'm probably a damn fool for still loving you, but here it is. Me putting it out in the open for the world to see for the first time since we've known each other. I love you, Red. I always have and I always will. There's nothing that I've never not done for you. You could call me in the middle of the night crying or just needing to talk and you know that I would answer. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for you. Maybe that means I'm a fucking dumbass. Maybe that means I'm sprung. Never been one to care for what people thought of me and I don't plan to buck that trend right now. I simply love you, Red. As much as I want to be extremely angry with you, no matter how justified it would be, I simply cant be. As much as I want to hate you, no matter how justified I would be, I just cant. This is how much I love you. I love you enough to once again let you go and go love the man that you do, only for a fleeting glimpse of hope that you'll return to truly be mine once and for all. I really felt like this was gonna be a scathing and rage filled entry with me cussing you smooth the fuck out, but I chose to write what was in my heart and in my heart, there's still an immense love for you. I want you so bad and I want you to be mine, and as much as it will be wrong of me to hope you fail again with him, I truly do hope that you work it out with him for whatever time y'all on now. I couldn't NOR WILL I EVER wish ill of any relationship that you ever get into. Even if you block me from every single social media and your phone, I will never stop loving you. I'll just honor your request to simply leave you alone. I wrote a handwritten letter for you with the hopes of one day giving it to you, but it looks like that day will never come. Probably for good this time, but still, I have it. I wish you the best and the happiness that you deserve. I do want you to know one more thing and you can never, ever doubt this again. If this doesn't prove that I was fighting for you every single second since I first met you, then nothing ever will. It's all I've ever done. I'm just sorry that my efforts weren't enough.

YEAH....sorry. I knew that I passed my time, but I knew that needed to come out.

Relationships

It's been a bit of an eye opening week for me. A bunch of eventful shit happened. A life changing happened. And I spent what would have been my daughter's 16th birthday with her at her grave site (an entry on Jessyca is definitely coming soon). But I think the most important thing happened to me on the Saturday night before Devil's Night. I spent that time just reflecting and speaking to the spirits of my loved ones. It's one thing in particular that I realized. I absolutely forgot what the hell I was looking when it hit me, but I realized, EXTREMELY LATE and probably dumb ass hell, but better late than never, right? Lol. ANYHOW...I realized that I'm extremely STUPID when it comes to relationships...

Let me explain that. Not in the fact that I'm emotionally retarded or anything (even though I do have my moments), but I realized that I've been doing relationships completely WRONG. I've had my times where I KNOW I've had my fair share of fuck ups, downright dirty moments, and where I completely didn't give a fuck at all, it's exactly what I do to those who treat me the way that they want to be treated. When you show me that you're all about you in a relationship and you're trying to manipulate me into getting what you want, don't be surprised or even attempt to get mad when you get back the consequences of your actions. But still, those LITERAL 2 times HIGHLY pale in comparison to what I've had to put up when I was loving, kind, giving, nurturing, affectionate, and compassionate. 

This is STILL not to say that I don't have my days where I just want to be alone or I'm not feeling the most affectionate or loving, hell I would NEVER expect anyone to just be that way 100% of the time, all day everyday. That's hella irrational and hella unreasonable. But once, JUST FUCKING ONCE, I would like to get back the same kind of effort that I'm putting in. During that epiphany, I realized that I'm doing WAYYYYY too damn much for people that I'm not even with. Like why the fuck am I going completely out of my way to show people that I care about them, make sure they're good, if they need anything, to listen and talk about their issues with them so they can get them out of their system, if I can help in anyway, do it and FOR WHAT?! To not even get fucking acknowledged by them, can't get a fucking text or call back, or them even giving a simple fuck about me? When you decide to recognize my existence, it's all about you or you're doing the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM just to say you've acknowledged me or that you can use it as some way to get something out of me to benefit you.

If it sounds like I'm pissed, I gotta say that I was all the way up until that Saturday night. Like some of the arguments I was getting into were EXTREMELY hypocritical! Like you're gonna argue with me over some fucking TWITTER SHIT (laughable now once I got over the anger and pettiness of it), going all through my stuff and YOUR SHIT IS PROTECTED UNLESS I FOLLOW YOU?! LMAO, like how fucking contradictory is that?! I'm always required to calm down or show you some fucking attention and you cant even do the same for me?! Like you're telling me what the fuck I need to get over and how I need to handle shit, but you turn around and do the same shit, but I'M AT FAULT?! That's fucking laughable as shit (now at least)! Like WHY THE FUCK am I dealing with this kind of shit? There's a simple answer to it. I simply chose to. I simply chose to deal with all that fuck shit just for the chance to one day win affection. The chance to one day feel their love. The chance to one day see that all of that wasn't in vain and that I earned their love.

That's when I realized it. I'm just simply being used. I'm the fall back choice. I'm analogous to the dude that's in a woman's contacts under the name "Free food nigga" or "Free date nigga." That's the point that I've now reached. Not entirely sure if that's rock bottom or not, but I do know that's pretty fucking low. Like I get it, we've all been burned extremely badly by someone or several people in our past. I'm not immune to that shit myself. My closest friends and some of my family have witnessed absolutely catastrophic times in my love life and some of them have even threatened to fight these women. I've been put through the damn ringer by 83% of my relationships in the past, so I absolutely get it. Love ain't really been the biggest thing that I've been trying to deal with myself. Hell, I cant even remember the last time that I was in love to be honest. It's been THAT long. I've always been honest with myself in knowing that I wont always earn every one's affection. I can live with that. What I CANT accept is women telling me that they love me and that they want to be with me or that they give a damn about me and their actions don't come anywhere close to lining up with the shit they're saying. One of the codes that I built my life around is, "My word is my bond." If I give my word to anything that I say I'm gonna do, best fucking believe it's gonna get done, no matter what it takes or how long it takes. Sadly, I'm also human and I know that I cant always keep my damn word, but that's HELLA FAR AND FEW between. If I cant, I'm gonna be honest and say that I cant, simple. I may suck at communication from time to time, but that's something that I'm gonna always be able to communicate, no matter what.

I also realize that it takes people different times to heal. I completely get that shit. Sometimes, people simply don't. Something so traumatizing happens and it's hard to get over it. I've been there and I'm still there now. I'm starting the process of healing myself and truly learning how to deal with deathiversaries and birthdays better now. I'm also learning how to open my heart up again and to not to close everyone off that doesn't deserve it. I know a lot of people cant do that and I completely understand it. At least I'm realizing as I'm typing this entry right now. I can't help that, but what I can do is continue to love and do what I'm good at. My biggest obstacle is learning how to allow myself to be loved and telling myself that it's actually OK to accept it.

That's neither here nor there though. I think the message that I'm overall trying to convey is that I've been giving my time, energy, and going above and beyond to do husband duties to people who don't give 2 squirts of piss about me, who ain't trying to be with me in the slightest, or only take from me while doing the absolute bare minimum thinking that will be enough for me because I'm simply a man. Like I don't have fucking feelings my damn self or think that I deserve to be treated better or at least with some kind of respect. Life's funny in certain ways sometimes. But it is what it is. Just know that I've learned now how you are. I wont say anything about it. My solution to this is just simple. It's the golden rule. Treat how you want to be treated. Simply put. I'm simply gonna start treating women the exact same way they treat me. If I get full interest and like you actually give a damn about me, best believe I'm gonna give you all of my effort. If you choose to half ass me, you're gonna get the same in return. Just don't say shit about how much you deserve better and you deserve to be treated like a queen. YES! YOU ABSOLUTELY DO DESERVE TO BE TREATED AT SUCH! Just don't kick that shit when you're doing the least and expecting the most because you think you should be treated like a queen. You get what you give. Simple.

Well that's my revelation and my action change for another part of my life. Stay tuned with me as I continue this journey towards finally achieving the goal I've wanted for so long...true inner peace.

I Am

My blog up to this point has been EXCRUCIATINGLY personal and mostly my thoughts being typed dealing with the relationship that I was in during that time. It's been incredibly liberating in some instances, but mostly because I was also speaking in terms of things that were happening to me. Rarely did I use this blog to focus on just MY issues. Things that's been bothering me. Things that I am fighting internally. Things that has driven certain behavioral traits in me. I'm gonna take this time to TRY MY HARDEST to admit some of these things. I guess I'll start it off this way: I AM BROKEN!  I am a shell of who I used to be. I'm filled with SO MUCH ANGER AND RAGE! I'm still hurting from watching 7 of the people I've loved get murdered at the hands of a mad man. I am still handling my pain and my issues wrongly. I internalize WAY TOO MUCH because I feel like I cant talk to anyone and I constantly feel like I'm not being heard. I'm always made to feel like I don't matter or nothing that I go through or that I feel matters. I still hide behind my hurt and my pain because I'm afraid of moving on with my life. I'm afraid of the guilt that I'm gonna feel for continuing to live my life and I couldn't save the ones that I promised to protect or that I didn't do enough to protect. This is definitely the biggest one: I'm honestly afraid to be happy because I'm afraid that it's gonna be taken away from me again.

I'm looking at this list of things that I just said and this is the first time that I've said these things about myself out loud and to myself so that I could read them over again. They always say that the first step to solving any problem is recognizing that there is a problem to beginning with. I've always known that there were issues with me and I had and STILL HAVE no issue with admitting them in the slightest. Still, this is the first time that I've said any of this out loud, so I'm finally acknowledging my problem. I desperately want and NEED to fix this about me. It's been hurting friendships that I hold, relationships that I've been in, and affected some of my interactions with my family. I've been in this hole of darkness for a LONG time and it's been more than past time to get out of it and I have a long road ahead of me. I know for a fact that I do have to live with everything for the rest of my life, but I'm FINALLY making myself get myself out of this and move forward with my life. With the carrying out of my last Devil's Night mission, it's been more than enough time to get over the anger that the last decade has brought me. The first step to any problem is admitting the problem right? Well with this entry, this is me taking my first step toward trying to get myself out of the darkness...