Usually I write blogs talking about certain topics I think about or run across and insert some of my personal life in them if I can relate to it. It wont be the case in this installment because this 1 IS about my personal life. I've been fighting back tears as I'm typing this, but honestly, they are way too hard to hold back. I'm in a desperate fight for survival because of the battle between my mind and heart. I don't know which 1 to listen to or which 1 to trust.
My mind is SCREAMING at me to leave well enough alone, cut ties, salvage your losses, and move on with my life. My heart is telling me to trust in the Word and in the promise of my Father and push on through this and wait for Him. This war that's waging is tearing my sanity and psyche to shreds. Fortunately, the war is finally coming to an end. The question is, when the dust has settled, who will emerge the victor? Maybe I should just look at what's in front of me, look at all the evidence in my face and just do what my logic says is the rational thing to. Most people (most being my family) will call me crazy for even thinking about just being still and waiting when I can CLEARLY see what's in front of me. So why? Why should I stand still? To be honest, I really don't know. It's almost like it's ingrained in me to just be still, which is kinda funny because it's HIGHLY contrary to my nature, and I'm NOT a still person when I know I can do or fix something myself.
I'm now totally in this by myself and I'm closer and closer to insanity because the wall that I use to be able to put up to protect me from things. The side of me that used to protect me from things too painful or too unbearable to deal with. The manifestation of all of my anger, rage, and my sociopath and psychotic aggression, the entity known as the Joker, is now GONE from my life. Disappeared. Driven out of me by Yahweh and now I'm left in a very vulnerable position. For Him to drive out the Joker is 1, a VERY good thing seeing as how in that state, I was a dark, chaotic psychopath on a path of destruction. I wanted chaos. I wanted anarchy and I didn't care what I had to do or the destruction I had to cause in order to get it. I didn't care about hurting people. I didn't care about hurting innocent people or care about people's feelings. In that state, I only wanted justice or what I felt like was justice to me. I understand now that I can never have vengeance. It only belongs to Yahweh and He will reveal to me how He avenged me, His son, in due time. He also understood that the Joker needed to be gone from my life because of the negative effect that he had on me and carelessness and anger that I gave to the world through him. He wasn't in my best interests and not a part of Yahweh's plan for me and my future and thus, he had to leave.
Since he is now gone, I cant just bury away my feelings away in anger anymore. Now I feel everything. I'm in tune with every last emotion that I feel and that I come across. I can truly understand what she meant when she said that she couldn't feel me because all she could feel was my anger. All of these emotions that I'm encountering and feeling are both foreign and intense to me. They are all hard to decipher and dissect since they are all coming at me 1 at a time. I'm in a desperate struggle for my mental state because at the end of this war, I don't know what will be left of me or what will remain for me to rebuild on afterward. I can only hope and pray that Yahweh takes me out of this. He said He will never leave me in what I'm in, but it feels like I've been here forever and that I've been forgotten about. Like He thought that I'm not worth carrying any farther and I'm just gonna leave you here to suffer. It's what you deserve. Maybe I do deserve it. I honestly couldnt blame Him for it if He did think that. All I want is the chance to atone for the things that I didnt do right the first time and take what I've learned on this journey and apply it to a second chance at redemption. And to her, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so blind before. I love you so much and it will NEVER die. I told you that I would stay single forever if I couldnt be with you and I meant that. You are all I want and all that I've ever asked Yahweh for in a woman. I just hope that you can find it in your heart to love me again and understand that I will NEVER be who I was before and that I've changed and still am changing for the better.
Until that comes, the war rages on. 2 powerful aspects of 1 being battling for supremacy. The battleground is me. The prize is control of me. I've tried to stop this and listen to 1 or the other, but both are equally loud. Yahweh, please rescue me from this and restore and increase. I know what I must do, should have been doing, and what I will continue to do in the future and I just want You to see that. I will never again take Your blessing for granted nor will I treat it the way I did the first time. I see how fast You can take away something that You have given. Until You intervene and put the wrong things right, I can only hope that this thing You've put me in doesn't tear me apart and try and find a way to fight for my mental and emotional survival...
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