Responsibility. It's a word that carries a lot of weight to it. It's a word that some people cant bear the burden of. It's often a word that really doesn't like to make its way into a lot of people's vocabulary. Why is that? What is it about the word that scares people so much? Responsibility's sister is the word accountability. That's the word MOST people hate. Everyone runs from that. No one likes to stand up to be accountable for actions caused, intentions created, and tons of other bullshit that's avoided because of that word.
This installment isn't about accountability. It's about responsibility. What happens when those that you feel responsible for don't want you there anymore? What happens when those who come to you about things that they feel you can help with or know reject what you tell them? Do you leave them alone and let them sort it out on their own? Do you gracefully bow to let them do what they want and be there to pick them up if they fail? Do you still continue to still be there regardless of what?
Tons of questions, I know, none of which I have the answers to. I honestly don't know what to do in situations like that. I'm confused about a lot of things right now so all I can do is resort back to how I normally deal with things, on my own, while still being responsible for those that were put in my charge by my Master and those He has me watch over. I can say that it's hard to be there for others and no one is there to help you when you need it. It can be looked at as selfish, but I don't see it like that. I see it as I love these people and when I do love someone, I'll do whatever it takes to protect them, which includes giving my life if I have to. It's the way of the warrior and that's what it demands.
I'll end it right here by just saying this. Responsibility. Know it and accept it. But I give this dire warning...Don't try to accept a responsibility that was never given to you and you decided to take it upon yourself. It only ends terribly in the long run and there's a lot of bitterness and anger left in the aftermath...
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
The Other Side
There isn't a moment of each and every day that you don't cross my mind. There isn't a moment that I don't wish I could turn back or push forward the hands of time. I know that our Master has needed my undivided attention to teach me things and have me learn that which I will carry into my future, but there's also 1 thing that He has also been gracious enough to do for me. He's never let me forget about you. He knows how much I love you and He knows that I will never give up on you. Our King knows that if He didn't want us to be, He would have allowed us to move on and He would have given me the command to. I understand that you think that I deserve better. That I deserve to be happy. That I deserve a woman who is worthy of me and that can truly love me.
The truth of the matter is, and what you also fail to realize, YOU are that woman. You don't even realize it, but I cant even count how many times you've TRULY been there for me. You think that because you weren't around for Jessyca's passing that you weren't there. You think that you not being around for some of the bad things that's happened since we've known each other, that's your conclusion of you not being there for me. It will never be significant to you that just being able to look at your face makes my heart jump every time. Every time I was able to hear your voice calmed all the rage and anger that I had in me. Just seeing your smile was able to brighten my day when it was dark. Looking into your eyes, I'm able to see the true essence of the woman that hides from the world. I'm able to see and connect to you in ways that we couldn't have fathomed and the world cant understand. The language that we share with each other, no one can decipher. 1 stare at each other, a gesture, or even a small blink is an entire conversation between us and leaves others wondering what the hell is going on. The smallest touch on the other's body brings our minds, bodies, spirits, and energies into 1, perfectly fitting together like the pieces of a puzzle. We finish each others' sentences. We read each other's minds. We know what the other is about to do before the action is performed. We know each other's needs and wants before we even have the chance to voice them. Do you honestly think that 2 people THAT in tune with each other, even after separation, can just be destroyed? I don't think so.
Never again say that I should move on. You know when I'm talking out the side of my mouth, how is it any different when you tell me that? I love you too much to ever just walk away from you. Yes, you've given me tons of reasons to. Yes, I should have walked away. But will I? NO! I don't know about other people, but I made you a promise NEVER to abandon you and never to give up on you. As a matter of fact, it was you who wanted me to promise you that because you told me that you NEVER wanted me to ever leave you. It was you who loved me that much. It was you that didn't want to ever see me with another woman. It was you that said you couldn't live without me. And on that day, before Yahweh, everyone in Heaven, and yourself, I vowed that I would never leave your side, and I even went the extra mile and took a blood oath on it, and you KNOW how seriously I take those. Even after all this time and between all that's happened, there's 1 thing that I do know and have seen in your eyes. You still hope that even after everything, I would still keep my promise.
Well almost 9 months and tons of bullshit later, I'm still here, still waiting, still true to the woman I love. It's been hard and I've tried to escape it, but the fact of the matter and the honest truth? You're my destiny, well a vital part of it anyway. You are the other person to join Yahweh and myself on this journey. We both know He needed my attention, so why be upset about it? You had a mission and I needed to learn. The only thing to be upset about is the circumstances and foulness of the people that were involved in it. In hindsight, you shouldn't be upset or mad at them. All they did was help you realize who they all were. But the reason to actually thank them was because of something unforeseen. It was all of them that helped the both of us realize what we truly mean to each other, how much and how deeply we still love each other, and what to do from the time of reunion on forward. That's what I did. I love you in spite of all that I've gone through, and I've gone through hell in terms of this and have had to watch and know things that almost killed me and almost literally drove me insane, but I don't know too many men who would WILLINGLY say I'll go through this and see it through. Only true and real love can make you do that, and regardless of everything, it's what I still have for you.
I don't know if you're trying to break me, test me, see if it's still true, I don't know. All I know is that I love you. I've always been there for you anytime you called on me, and no matter what you say and all that, you know that I will always sacrifice for the sake of you. You may feel like you aren't good to me or haven't been. I honestly cant speak for you on that matter because only you know what you've been and if you have given me your all. All I can say is, never take me for granted. My loyalty lies with 2 primary people, my Master and yourself. That's all I need. I honestly don't care what you tell me. I'm not abandoning you. I've proven my love for you over and over and over again. I've been there through the worse times you had, I've been there through our worse times, I've been there through this bullshit here, and I'm still here. I've had to be separated from you. I've been commanded to walk away from you. I've been commanded to fast from you. I've had to endure this hardship. I've had to watch you kiss another dude, be all lovey dovey with him, have the knowledge of y'all copulating, of him potentially fertilizing you, EVERYTHING. I've had my name dragged down, spit on, talked about. I've been broken, bleeding, driven to a point of insanity. I've had to bare you in a car accident and the agony of me not being there, him causing the shit for the reason he did. I've had to watch you lose everything you've worked so hard and sacrificed to get without anyone's help. I've had to be ripped straight to my core. The 1 thing that never change in spite of all that? My love for you.
It was love and faith that got me to this point now, and they are the things that are carrying me to the finish line. I love you. i LOVE you. i love YOU. Te Amo. Je t'aime. Doesn't matter what language I say it in. That's the truth. I love you, in spite of what, I just cant or wont give up on you. I love you baby. No matter what happens or what changes, I love you, and if you cant believe anything else in your life as something real, the 1 thing you can know that's as real as the sunrise, I love you baby...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Dragon Chronicles Book 1, Ch.8: Forgiveness
This installment of the Dragon Chronicles is gonna take a different turn. Yes, I'm gonna speak on a topic, but I'm not about to look at it from different views. I'm gonna look at it strictly from mine because this installment is gonna be about me personally. I feel that in this entry, I have to expose my vulnerability and show that, regardless of what I like to think sometimes, I'm still human and I do bleed red blood. I just have to be completely real with myself and with all of you that read this. There was a blog written about the art of forgiveness. A beautiful entry talking about the different viewpoints of how to forgive. I can say that over the course of these last 8 months, I've lost sight of that fine art and actually reverted back to how I used to be in some aspects of not forgiving and not letting go. This installment, I'm gonna take the time to just air everything out and forgive and start on my new path. It's a few people that I need to forgive and ask that they forgive me also.
The first person up: Charlize
Charlize, From March until May 2011, we had our ups and downs. It seemed like when I left home everything, started to fall apart for us. It was hard to leave you and I knew that I should have stayed, didn't care where I was or where I stayed, the most important thing to me was being there with you. It went from a high point of us spending your birthday and our anniversary together to what it is now. It did seem like we were doomed at 1 point. From us both getting sick simultaneously and not being able to talk to all of that arguing over pointless issues in hindsight. March 27th, 2011 will forever be a day that I remember because it was the night of our almost attempted suicide together. When I look back on the argument and when I look back on those things that were said during our Skype conversations of the past, I was such an ass. I was blinded by trivial things that didn't mean anything then and definitely don't mean anything now in hindsight. I have to ask your forgiveness for all that I did and said during that time period because I honestly was a damn fool and I truly lost sight of the art of forgiveness. There's also something else to it. That fateful, dreadful day in October of 2010, when what happened that night went down. To be completely honest with you and with myself, I never really forgave you for that because of the argument that happened before it, you going out, what happened to me because of it, and the reverberations of what that day caused. It still ate at me and it still irritated me the rare times that I thought about it. I never did truly forgive you for it, but as Yahweh is my witness right now, I'm not taking that with me in 2012. You might take it the wrong way, but I truly, honestly do forgive you right now, even thought I know the issue behind it and why it happened, and just how YHWH forgives and forgets, so to will I. This isn't in a "I cant believe you still on that shit," kinda thing, it's just the fact that YOU were the 1 who taught me that I cant run from myself and you were the woman who taught me how to face the things and the issues of my past. It's because of my Master putting you in my life and you still being the influence that you are that allows and helps me to face this part of myself and of our past and close that chapter of my life. There are other things, but they are completely private and NEVER will be revealed on this blog. They are definitely between me and you. Thank you for being that positive influence that I've needed for so long and thank you for being the best friend and the best girlfriend that I've ever had and will ever know.
Next person up: Dennis.
Dennis, regardless of what I'm about to do, what was said about you in the Dragon Chronicles pt.5 changes nothing. I was spitting both the truth and feelings (at least from what I know by way of Charlize anyway). My feelings on that still stand, but the difference in this is, I'm DEFINITELY gonna stand on my own 2 and do what I have to do and now what I WANT to do, even though part of me doesn't. Honestly, I'm done with this, man. I'm done with this back and forth. I'm done with this confusion. I'm done with y'all having to argue because of the simple fact that I'm talking to a woman who not only is my best friend, but still has my heart. As a man, I'm putting my pride to the side and I'm forgiving you for the shit you pulled, bruh. Yea. I am. It's done. This battle is over man. I concede with trying to win this girl. If y'all are anointed by the grace of Yahweh and it's in His Will that y'all are to remain together, so be it. I'm done trying to do the same thing you did to me. I'm completely justified in doing what I want because of what you pulled, but even though I am, I'm not about to. I've broken all of my rules in terms of not messing with a woman in a relationship, even if that woman is my own. I've sacrificed my honor, my discipline, and my integrity over something that was YHWH created and over something that I have no control over. He allowed you to do what you did, so obviously there's a reason for why He let you go through with it and a conclusion to that which He has allowed you to do and gain. Again, if it's in His will, then by all means, in the name of YHWH, be blessed and I hope that He adds marvelous, blessed years to the union He created in you 2. If not, you should know 2 key scriptures, Romans 12:19 and Proverbs 6:29,30-31. The thing that I can be most honest about is the fact that I know that I wont be able to forgive you in 1 entry. It's definitely gonna take time, but as of this entry, the anger, the grudging, the hate that I had towards you, it's over. It's done. I'm ready to leave this behind me and move on past this. So with that being said, my brother in Yahweh, the bad blood that I had towards you is done. I forgive you and from here on out, day after day, I'm praying that YHWH gives me what I need to truly move on from this and let this go and release it from my heart.
Next up: Jasmine
Jasmine, again, just like I previously stated, what was said in pt. 5, I still stand on because that's the anger and sorrow that I felt. I forgive you for what you did and for the beginning of all that happened in the year 2011. I've held on to that anger for ALL of last year, but I'm letting it go and I'm letting it be. I truly do understand your reasons for wanting to go to that party and I truly do understand that you wanted to be there with PJ. But Jasmine, for everything that was sacrificed for you and your son now, the LEAST you could have done, the LEAST, is let us spend our new year together. I don't know how Charlize still feels about you or what happened, but I know on my end, I do forgive you and that piece of bad blood between us is dead and in the grave.
In closing, I'm done with trying to hold onto these things. They all just warped me into something that I was not meant to become. But because of all of these things happening to me, I can, once again, stand as a man and say that I'm a better person, stronger person, a man of the Most High, and a better man because of all this. Yeah, it still hurts sometimes, I can admit that, but it's because I can admit that that I can keep walking to where I need to get to. I forgive all of you and also ask that same forgiveness in return. Any man can hold a grudge and talk shit. Any man can sit up and say that another man is a bitch because he's forgiving and choosing to back down rather than fight. But it takes a REAL man, willing to stand on his own 2 and swallow his pride, to not only truly forgive another for a wrong doing, but to also be willing to show respect and acknowledge his wrongdoings. I choose to live how my Savior, Yahshua, lived and that's EXACTLY what He did, so if you gon call me a bitch, pussy, or punk, or any combination of those 3 words, call Him the same thing! I know that I've done some things I swore I wouldn't. I've done things that go against the personal code I live by. But here I am. Admitting all of that before YHWH, myself, and you that's reading this right now. I lost sight of the art of forgiveness because of all the hurt, pain, sadness, and spitting upon my name has had to endure over these last 8 months. Yahweh wanted me to get to this point and I can say that I have finally arrived, Master. Never forget this precious art form because it's 1 that most people don't know how to do, but also don't too much care about doing.
FORGIVENESS...PASS IT ON!
The first person up: Charlize
Charlize, From March until May 2011, we had our ups and downs. It seemed like when I left home everything, started to fall apart for us. It was hard to leave you and I knew that I should have stayed, didn't care where I was or where I stayed, the most important thing to me was being there with you. It went from a high point of us spending your birthday and our anniversary together to what it is now. It did seem like we were doomed at 1 point. From us both getting sick simultaneously and not being able to talk to all of that arguing over pointless issues in hindsight. March 27th, 2011 will forever be a day that I remember because it was the night of our almost attempted suicide together. When I look back on the argument and when I look back on those things that were said during our Skype conversations of the past, I was such an ass. I was blinded by trivial things that didn't mean anything then and definitely don't mean anything now in hindsight. I have to ask your forgiveness for all that I did and said during that time period because I honestly was a damn fool and I truly lost sight of the art of forgiveness. There's also something else to it. That fateful, dreadful day in October of 2010, when what happened that night went down. To be completely honest with you and with myself, I never really forgave you for that because of the argument that happened before it, you going out, what happened to me because of it, and the reverberations of what that day caused. It still ate at me and it still irritated me the rare times that I thought about it. I never did truly forgive you for it, but as Yahweh is my witness right now, I'm not taking that with me in 2012. You might take it the wrong way, but I truly, honestly do forgive you right now, even thought I know the issue behind it and why it happened, and just how YHWH forgives and forgets, so to will I. This isn't in a "I cant believe you still on that shit," kinda thing, it's just the fact that YOU were the 1 who taught me that I cant run from myself and you were the woman who taught me how to face the things and the issues of my past. It's because of my Master putting you in my life and you still being the influence that you are that allows and helps me to face this part of myself and of our past and close that chapter of my life. There are other things, but they are completely private and NEVER will be revealed on this blog. They are definitely between me and you. Thank you for being that positive influence that I've needed for so long and thank you for being the best friend and the best girlfriend that I've ever had and will ever know.
Next person up: Dennis.
Dennis, regardless of what I'm about to do, what was said about you in the Dragon Chronicles pt.5 changes nothing. I was spitting both the truth and feelings (at least from what I know by way of Charlize anyway). My feelings on that still stand, but the difference in this is, I'm DEFINITELY gonna stand on my own 2 and do what I have to do and now what I WANT to do, even though part of me doesn't. Honestly, I'm done with this, man. I'm done with this back and forth. I'm done with this confusion. I'm done with y'all having to argue because of the simple fact that I'm talking to a woman who not only is my best friend, but still has my heart. As a man, I'm putting my pride to the side and I'm forgiving you for the shit you pulled, bruh. Yea. I am. It's done. This battle is over man. I concede with trying to win this girl. If y'all are anointed by the grace of Yahweh and it's in His Will that y'all are to remain together, so be it. I'm done trying to do the same thing you did to me. I'm completely justified in doing what I want because of what you pulled, but even though I am, I'm not about to. I've broken all of my rules in terms of not messing with a woman in a relationship, even if that woman is my own. I've sacrificed my honor, my discipline, and my integrity over something that was YHWH created and over something that I have no control over. He allowed you to do what you did, so obviously there's a reason for why He let you go through with it and a conclusion to that which He has allowed you to do and gain. Again, if it's in His will, then by all means, in the name of YHWH, be blessed and I hope that He adds marvelous, blessed years to the union He created in you 2. If not, you should know 2 key scriptures, Romans 12:19 and Proverbs 6:29,30-31. The thing that I can be most honest about is the fact that I know that I wont be able to forgive you in 1 entry. It's definitely gonna take time, but as of this entry, the anger, the grudging, the hate that I had towards you, it's over. It's done. I'm ready to leave this behind me and move on past this. So with that being said, my brother in Yahweh, the bad blood that I had towards you is done. I forgive you and from here on out, day after day, I'm praying that YHWH gives me what I need to truly move on from this and let this go and release it from my heart.
Next up: Jasmine
Jasmine, again, just like I previously stated, what was said in pt. 5, I still stand on because that's the anger and sorrow that I felt. I forgive you for what you did and for the beginning of all that happened in the year 2011. I've held on to that anger for ALL of last year, but I'm letting it go and I'm letting it be. I truly do understand your reasons for wanting to go to that party and I truly do understand that you wanted to be there with PJ. But Jasmine, for everything that was sacrificed for you and your son now, the LEAST you could have done, the LEAST, is let us spend our new year together. I don't know how Charlize still feels about you or what happened, but I know on my end, I do forgive you and that piece of bad blood between us is dead and in the grave.
In closing, I'm done with trying to hold onto these things. They all just warped me into something that I was not meant to become. But because of all of these things happening to me, I can, once again, stand as a man and say that I'm a better person, stronger person, a man of the Most High, and a better man because of all this. Yeah, it still hurts sometimes, I can admit that, but it's because I can admit that that I can keep walking to where I need to get to. I forgive all of you and also ask that same forgiveness in return. Any man can hold a grudge and talk shit. Any man can sit up and say that another man is a bitch because he's forgiving and choosing to back down rather than fight. But it takes a REAL man, willing to stand on his own 2 and swallow his pride, to not only truly forgive another for a wrong doing, but to also be willing to show respect and acknowledge his wrongdoings. I choose to live how my Savior, Yahshua, lived and that's EXACTLY what He did, so if you gon call me a bitch, pussy, or punk, or any combination of those 3 words, call Him the same thing! I know that I've done some things I swore I wouldn't. I've done things that go against the personal code I live by. But here I am. Admitting all of that before YHWH, myself, and you that's reading this right now. I lost sight of the art of forgiveness because of all the hurt, pain, sadness, and spitting upon my name has had to endure over these last 8 months. Yahweh wanted me to get to this point and I can say that I have finally arrived, Master. Never forget this precious art form because it's 1 that most people don't know how to do, but also don't too much care about doing.
FORGIVENESS...PASS IT ON!
The Dragon Chronicles Book 1, Ch.7: Love
Love. It's the strongest and probably most powerful word known to mankind. It is also one of the most wrongly used word. A pondering for you...what does love mean to you? What do you expect of it? Isn't it amazing that this simple 4 letter word carries AMAZING power?! This word has the power to make people do things that they NEVER thought they would EVER do or ever have to do. People give up their time, money, lifestyles, sometimes their entire beings for those that they feel that they "love."
Perfect examples of that statement: Myself. I'm caught in something that I didn't bring on myself and that I KNOW I should have left alone a LONG TIME AGO, but the only reasons, ONLY REASONS, that I still allow myself to endure and put myself through this type of fuckin torture, sadness, and have teetered very close to the brink of insanity is because of the fact that I love this woman SO MUCH and that my Adonai has allowed this to happen in my life for a reason. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for her and have told her that I would endure anything and take her suffering as my own to show her that I love her and that I just cant live without her, even if that means *sigh* that I'm never gonna be with her again. I still love her that much to just wait and I love her that much to put YHWH's Will and her happiness over what I want, :'(.
1 EVEN BETTER THAN ME!! My Master, YHWH. Humans were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO messed up, (still are by my standards), He had to send His Son, my Savior, to cleanse our blood that we might be spared eternal death. It takes LOVE to do something like that. A breed whose fate was already sealed was saved by the sacrificial love of the Lamb. No greater love is there than 1 who lays down their life for another. By these standards, love is something that should NEVER be taken for granted and always cherished. So if that's the case, then why? WHY is it used for all the WRONG reasons? Why is it used to justify the actions of people that others KNOW don't care about them? Why is it used as an excuse to stay in a relationship or in a situation that is violent, threatening, or even selfish? Why do people throw the word out there just for sex or just to obtain something that they want?
What's the point in taking the greatest feeling ever given to man and twisting and distorting it to accomplish selfish means or tear a person down? The worse part about that though? Some people simply just don't give a fuck about the damage that they do to another as long as they get what they want from it. I've seen many a person, myself included sometimes, broken after giving their all to someone who never deserved it in the first place, ONLY to have that same person try to come back into your life and act like shit never happened or claiming to love you and how sorry they are for the action or actions that were committed. HOW SELFISH ARE THESE NIGGAS, RIGHT?! If you haven't learned by now, love, REAL TRUE LOVE, just isn't about doing shit for someone, ALWAYS spending time with them, or even giving them gifts when you want to. Love, REAL TRUE LOVE, is sacrificial. It's being able to think about the needs of your partner before your own. It's about understanding that you are responsible for your partner and they for you also. I think the biggest thing about it is, when you have to, being ready to give up your love for someone if it isn't working out because you genuinely value their happiness. I don't know how that applies to my situation, but I do know that I will gladly walk (and I have, she can vouch for that) if that's what she truly wanted and if that gives her the happiness that she's been looking for.
I love you, Nuki, that's all I can say. It hurts. It breaks me a little every time I think about it, but the 1 thing that hasn't died is my love for you and loyalty to you. I wasn't trying to have this installment be so emotional, but when I'm talking about her, I can NEVER keep my feelings in, as hard as I try to. She's the only woman to ever have me like this and honestly, Ju, I want you to be happy, no matter what that means. I'll leave you alone if you want me to. I'll marry you if you want me to. I want what my Master wants for me, but I also want to be with you also. I just miss you. That's all. I love you, Juju-bee, now and forever, until the end of time...
Perfect examples of that statement: Myself. I'm caught in something that I didn't bring on myself and that I KNOW I should have left alone a LONG TIME AGO, but the only reasons, ONLY REASONS, that I still allow myself to endure and put myself through this type of fuckin torture, sadness, and have teetered very close to the brink of insanity is because of the fact that I love this woman SO MUCH and that my Adonai has allowed this to happen in my life for a reason. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for her and have told her that I would endure anything and take her suffering as my own to show her that I love her and that I just cant live without her, even if that means *sigh* that I'm never gonna be with her again. I still love her that much to just wait and I love her that much to put YHWH's Will and her happiness over what I want, :'(.
1 EVEN BETTER THAN ME!! My Master, YHWH. Humans were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO messed up, (still are by my standards), He had to send His Son, my Savior, to cleanse our blood that we might be spared eternal death. It takes LOVE to do something like that. A breed whose fate was already sealed was saved by the sacrificial love of the Lamb. No greater love is there than 1 who lays down their life for another. By these standards, love is something that should NEVER be taken for granted and always cherished. So if that's the case, then why? WHY is it used for all the WRONG reasons? Why is it used to justify the actions of people that others KNOW don't care about them? Why is it used as an excuse to stay in a relationship or in a situation that is violent, threatening, or even selfish? Why do people throw the word out there just for sex or just to obtain something that they want?
What's the point in taking the greatest feeling ever given to man and twisting and distorting it to accomplish selfish means or tear a person down? The worse part about that though? Some people simply just don't give a fuck about the damage that they do to another as long as they get what they want from it. I've seen many a person, myself included sometimes, broken after giving their all to someone who never deserved it in the first place, ONLY to have that same person try to come back into your life and act like shit never happened or claiming to love you and how sorry they are for the action or actions that were committed. HOW SELFISH ARE THESE NIGGAS, RIGHT?! If you haven't learned by now, love, REAL TRUE LOVE, just isn't about doing shit for someone, ALWAYS spending time with them, or even giving them gifts when you want to. Love, REAL TRUE LOVE, is sacrificial. It's being able to think about the needs of your partner before your own. It's about understanding that you are responsible for your partner and they for you also. I think the biggest thing about it is, when you have to, being ready to give up your love for someone if it isn't working out because you genuinely value their happiness. I don't know how that applies to my situation, but I do know that I will gladly walk (and I have, she can vouch for that) if that's what she truly wanted and if that gives her the happiness that she's been looking for.
I love you, Nuki, that's all I can say. It hurts. It breaks me a little every time I think about it, but the 1 thing that hasn't died is my love for you and loyalty to you. I wasn't trying to have this installment be so emotional, but when I'm talking about her, I can NEVER keep my feelings in, as hard as I try to. She's the only woman to ever have me like this and honestly, Ju, I want you to be happy, no matter what that means. I'll leave you alone if you want me to. I'll marry you if you want me to. I want what my Master wants for me, but I also want to be with you also. I just miss you. That's all. I love you, Juju-bee, now and forever, until the end of time...
Saturday, January 14, 2012
The Dragon Chronicles Book 1, Ch.6: Survival
Usually I write blogs talking about certain topics I think about or run across and insert some of my personal life in them if I can relate to it. It wont be the case in this installment because this 1 IS about my personal life. I've been fighting back tears as I'm typing this, but honestly, they are way too hard to hold back. I'm in a desperate fight for survival because of the battle between my mind and heart. I don't know which 1 to listen to or which 1 to trust.
My mind is SCREAMING at me to leave well enough alone, cut ties, salvage your losses, and move on with my life. My heart is telling me to trust in the Word and in the promise of my Father and push on through this and wait for Him. This war that's waging is tearing my sanity and psyche to shreds. Fortunately, the war is finally coming to an end. The question is, when the dust has settled, who will emerge the victor? Maybe I should just look at what's in front of me, look at all the evidence in my face and just do what my logic says is the rational thing to. Most people (most being my family) will call me crazy for even thinking about just being still and waiting when I can CLEARLY see what's in front of me. So why? Why should I stand still? To be honest, I really don't know. It's almost like it's ingrained in me to just be still, which is kinda funny because it's HIGHLY contrary to my nature, and I'm NOT a still person when I know I can do or fix something myself.
I'm now totally in this by myself and I'm closer and closer to insanity because the wall that I use to be able to put up to protect me from things. The side of me that used to protect me from things too painful or too unbearable to deal with. The manifestation of all of my anger, rage, and my sociopath and psychotic aggression, the entity known as the Joker, is now GONE from my life. Disappeared. Driven out of me by Yahweh and now I'm left in a very vulnerable position. For Him to drive out the Joker is 1, a VERY good thing seeing as how in that state, I was a dark, chaotic psychopath on a path of destruction. I wanted chaos. I wanted anarchy and I didn't care what I had to do or the destruction I had to cause in order to get it. I didn't care about hurting people. I didn't care about hurting innocent people or care about people's feelings. In that state, I only wanted justice or what I felt like was justice to me. I understand now that I can never have vengeance. It only belongs to Yahweh and He will reveal to me how He avenged me, His son, in due time. He also understood that the Joker needed to be gone from my life because of the negative effect that he had on me and carelessness and anger that I gave to the world through him. He wasn't in my best interests and not a part of Yahweh's plan for me and my future and thus, he had to leave.
Since he is now gone, I cant just bury away my feelings away in anger anymore. Now I feel everything. I'm in tune with every last emotion that I feel and that I come across. I can truly understand what she meant when she said that she couldn't feel me because all she could feel was my anger. All of these emotions that I'm encountering and feeling are both foreign and intense to me. They are all hard to decipher and dissect since they are all coming at me 1 at a time. I'm in a desperate struggle for my mental state because at the end of this war, I don't know what will be left of me or what will remain for me to rebuild on afterward. I can only hope and pray that Yahweh takes me out of this. He said He will never leave me in what I'm in, but it feels like I've been here forever and that I've been forgotten about. Like He thought that I'm not worth carrying any farther and I'm just gonna leave you here to suffer. It's what you deserve. Maybe I do deserve it. I honestly couldnt blame Him for it if He did think that. All I want is the chance to atone for the things that I didnt do right the first time and take what I've learned on this journey and apply it to a second chance at redemption. And to her, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so blind before. I love you so much and it will NEVER die. I told you that I would stay single forever if I couldnt be with you and I meant that. You are all I want and all that I've ever asked Yahweh for in a woman. I just hope that you can find it in your heart to love me again and understand that I will NEVER be who I was before and that I've changed and still am changing for the better.
Until that comes, the war rages on. 2 powerful aspects of 1 being battling for supremacy. The battleground is me. The prize is control of me. I've tried to stop this and listen to 1 or the other, but both are equally loud. Yahweh, please rescue me from this and restore and increase. I know what I must do, should have been doing, and what I will continue to do in the future and I just want You to see that. I will never again take Your blessing for granted nor will I treat it the way I did the first time. I see how fast You can take away something that You have given. Until You intervene and put the wrong things right, I can only hope that this thing You've put me in doesn't tear me apart and try and find a way to fight for my mental and emotional survival...
My mind is SCREAMING at me to leave well enough alone, cut ties, salvage your losses, and move on with my life. My heart is telling me to trust in the Word and in the promise of my Father and push on through this and wait for Him. This war that's waging is tearing my sanity and psyche to shreds. Fortunately, the war is finally coming to an end. The question is, when the dust has settled, who will emerge the victor? Maybe I should just look at what's in front of me, look at all the evidence in my face and just do what my logic says is the rational thing to. Most people (most being my family) will call me crazy for even thinking about just being still and waiting when I can CLEARLY see what's in front of me. So why? Why should I stand still? To be honest, I really don't know. It's almost like it's ingrained in me to just be still, which is kinda funny because it's HIGHLY contrary to my nature, and I'm NOT a still person when I know I can do or fix something myself.
I'm now totally in this by myself and I'm closer and closer to insanity because the wall that I use to be able to put up to protect me from things. The side of me that used to protect me from things too painful or too unbearable to deal with. The manifestation of all of my anger, rage, and my sociopath and psychotic aggression, the entity known as the Joker, is now GONE from my life. Disappeared. Driven out of me by Yahweh and now I'm left in a very vulnerable position. For Him to drive out the Joker is 1, a VERY good thing seeing as how in that state, I was a dark, chaotic psychopath on a path of destruction. I wanted chaos. I wanted anarchy and I didn't care what I had to do or the destruction I had to cause in order to get it. I didn't care about hurting people. I didn't care about hurting innocent people or care about people's feelings. In that state, I only wanted justice or what I felt like was justice to me. I understand now that I can never have vengeance. It only belongs to Yahweh and He will reveal to me how He avenged me, His son, in due time. He also understood that the Joker needed to be gone from my life because of the negative effect that he had on me and carelessness and anger that I gave to the world through him. He wasn't in my best interests and not a part of Yahweh's plan for me and my future and thus, he had to leave.
Since he is now gone, I cant just bury away my feelings away in anger anymore. Now I feel everything. I'm in tune with every last emotion that I feel and that I come across. I can truly understand what she meant when she said that she couldn't feel me because all she could feel was my anger. All of these emotions that I'm encountering and feeling are both foreign and intense to me. They are all hard to decipher and dissect since they are all coming at me 1 at a time. I'm in a desperate struggle for my mental state because at the end of this war, I don't know what will be left of me or what will remain for me to rebuild on afterward. I can only hope and pray that Yahweh takes me out of this. He said He will never leave me in what I'm in, but it feels like I've been here forever and that I've been forgotten about. Like He thought that I'm not worth carrying any farther and I'm just gonna leave you here to suffer. It's what you deserve. Maybe I do deserve it. I honestly couldnt blame Him for it if He did think that. All I want is the chance to atone for the things that I didnt do right the first time and take what I've learned on this journey and apply it to a second chance at redemption. And to her, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so blind before. I love you so much and it will NEVER die. I told you that I would stay single forever if I couldnt be with you and I meant that. You are all I want and all that I've ever asked Yahweh for in a woman. I just hope that you can find it in your heart to love me again and understand that I will NEVER be who I was before and that I've changed and still am changing for the better.
Until that comes, the war rages on. 2 powerful aspects of 1 being battling for supremacy. The battleground is me. The prize is control of me. I've tried to stop this and listen to 1 or the other, but both are equally loud. Yahweh, please rescue me from this and restore and increase. I know what I must do, should have been doing, and what I will continue to do in the future and I just want You to see that. I will never again take Your blessing for granted nor will I treat it the way I did the first time. I see how fast You can take away something that You have given. Until You intervene and put the wrong things right, I can only hope that this thing You've put me in doesn't tear me apart and try and find a way to fight for my mental and emotional survival...
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The Red Pill
PRAISE BE TO YOUR NAME YAHWEH!!! FOR IT IS YOUR SPIRIT THAT HAS GUIDED ME TO CREATE THIS ENTRY!!!
I wonder how many of you reading this will actually say that you have a good and solid standing in the Master, (providing that you believe in Him in the first place), AND can say that you have good knowledge of the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (B.I.B.L.E.)? If you do, then I can tell you right now, it's amazing how the blind have been leading the blind. It makes me wonder how many people actually know the truth or better yet, even want to know the truth because they have been conditioned by the B.I.B.L.E. for so long that it's absolute truth. I want to also let this be known. I do read and study scriptures from the B.I.B.L.E. and it does provide comfort and moreover, it does contain all of the information that 1 needs in their spiritual walk with the One.
But when I take the time to look at it, the B.I.B.L.E. is 2 things. 1) It's the starting point in the believer's journey to become 1 with the Father and get a general idea of who He is and what He's about. 2) It gives you the guidelines for striving to live a good life and it also gives you ALL (keyword there: ALL) of the commandments, feasts, statutes, and sabbaths our King has told us to honor to and observe. But in my honest opinion, there are things about the B.I.B.L.E. that I just don't agree with. 1 of them being this notion of the "rapture." If you believe in that notion, I'm not gonna change your beliefs because I do respect every one's opinion, BUT, it isn't real. It's an idea that MAN has put into the B.I.B.L.E. and twisted it to make it seem divinely breathed. Anybody who truly knows about the second coming of the Son KNOWS that He's only coming back 1 more time. NOT before the Tribulation. NOT at some secret time during mid-tribulation. BUT AFTER the opening of the seals, the pouring of the bowls, and the sounding of the trumpets.
A lot of people just take what they learn in church or what somebody tells them and they just run with it WITHOUT trying to confirm or disprove what was told to them by someone else. It's not up to another person to convince you of the truth. EVERYBODY is to have a PERSONAL relationship with the One who created us all. To prove that from scripture, Matthew 6:33 says "Seek first the Kingdom of Yahweh and all His righteousness." You gotta seek out the One who put you here, and you can find Him in the B.I.B.L.E. if you are comfortable with only scratching just the surface. But if you REALLY wanna understand who He is and grow closer to Him, it DEFINITELY goes beyond it. For 1, going beyond the B.I.B.L.E., you will see that the Creator's name IS YHWH, pronounced as Yahweh, NOT god or lord. He wants us to refer to Him by the name He has given to us to call on. If you REALLY wanna go and get deeper with Him, I challenge you to learn what the Savior's TRUE name is and also to look up where the name "Jesus" really came from and if you will look at it the same way ever again. Just a disclaimer: it will DEFINITELY mess you up. But it's like that Matrix moment, you take the blue pill. The story ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill. Yahweh pulls you out of the dream world, reveals the truth, and shows you just how far down the rabbit hole goes.
If you think finding out the Savior's name is something that will turn everything you thought you knew upside down, wait until you start connecting the dots and you get to the point of even wondering is Christianity even a real religion. Did He come to establish a new religion after His death on the cross? Or did He come to die for us WHILE ALSO keeping ALL of Yahweh's commandments and keeping all of His feasts and sabbaths? It's a part of the process of becoming closer to the One and walking with Him. It's only by His grace that I've been walking with Him and He's been teaching me all that I have needed to know, learn, and apply to my life. I can thank Him because ever since I was a little boy sitting in church and listening to pastors and sermons, some things just didn't add up to me. I always had questions, but never had the answers, until this time in my life now, when my Master is truly revealing Himself to me in ways that I would have never known or ever thought of. EVEN in ways that I've yet to see and that will ALL be for His glory and honor.
The truth is out there. Are you ready for your world to be turned on it's head when you find it? Be prepared. The revelations will be brought to the light very soon, but you can take comfort in this statement that's been repeated over and over again, "The truth will set you free..."
I wonder how many of you reading this will actually say that you have a good and solid standing in the Master, (providing that you believe in Him in the first place), AND can say that you have good knowledge of the Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (B.I.B.L.E.)? If you do, then I can tell you right now, it's amazing how the blind have been leading the blind. It makes me wonder how many people actually know the truth or better yet, even want to know the truth because they have been conditioned by the B.I.B.L.E. for so long that it's absolute truth. I want to also let this be known. I do read and study scriptures from the B.I.B.L.E. and it does provide comfort and moreover, it does contain all of the information that 1 needs in their spiritual walk with the One.
But when I take the time to look at it, the B.I.B.L.E. is 2 things. 1) It's the starting point in the believer's journey to become 1 with the Father and get a general idea of who He is and what He's about. 2) It gives you the guidelines for striving to live a good life and it also gives you ALL (keyword there: ALL) of the commandments, feasts, statutes, and sabbaths our King has told us to honor to and observe. But in my honest opinion, there are things about the B.I.B.L.E. that I just don't agree with. 1 of them being this notion of the "rapture." If you believe in that notion, I'm not gonna change your beliefs because I do respect every one's opinion, BUT, it isn't real. It's an idea that MAN has put into the B.I.B.L.E. and twisted it to make it seem divinely breathed. Anybody who truly knows about the second coming of the Son KNOWS that He's only coming back 1 more time. NOT before the Tribulation. NOT at some secret time during mid-tribulation. BUT AFTER the opening of the seals, the pouring of the bowls, and the sounding of the trumpets.
A lot of people just take what they learn in church or what somebody tells them and they just run with it WITHOUT trying to confirm or disprove what was told to them by someone else. It's not up to another person to convince you of the truth. EVERYBODY is to have a PERSONAL relationship with the One who created us all. To prove that from scripture, Matthew 6:33 says "Seek first the Kingdom of Yahweh and all His righteousness." You gotta seek out the One who put you here, and you can find Him in the B.I.B.L.E. if you are comfortable with only scratching just the surface. But if you REALLY wanna understand who He is and grow closer to Him, it DEFINITELY goes beyond it. For 1, going beyond the B.I.B.L.E., you will see that the Creator's name IS YHWH, pronounced as Yahweh, NOT god or lord. He wants us to refer to Him by the name He has given to us to call on. If you REALLY wanna go and get deeper with Him, I challenge you to learn what the Savior's TRUE name is and also to look up where the name "Jesus" really came from and if you will look at it the same way ever again. Just a disclaimer: it will DEFINITELY mess you up. But it's like that Matrix moment, you take the blue pill. The story ends, you wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill. Yahweh pulls you out of the dream world, reveals the truth, and shows you just how far down the rabbit hole goes.
If you think finding out the Savior's name is something that will turn everything you thought you knew upside down, wait until you start connecting the dots and you get to the point of even wondering is Christianity even a real religion. Did He come to establish a new religion after His death on the cross? Or did He come to die for us WHILE ALSO keeping ALL of Yahweh's commandments and keeping all of His feasts and sabbaths? It's a part of the process of becoming closer to the One and walking with Him. It's only by His grace that I've been walking with Him and He's been teaching me all that I have needed to know, learn, and apply to my life. I can thank Him because ever since I was a little boy sitting in church and listening to pastors and sermons, some things just didn't add up to me. I always had questions, but never had the answers, until this time in my life now, when my Master is truly revealing Himself to me in ways that I would have never known or ever thought of. EVEN in ways that I've yet to see and that will ALL be for His glory and honor.
The truth is out there. Are you ready for your world to be turned on it's head when you find it? Be prepared. The revelations will be brought to the light very soon, but you can take comfort in this statement that's been repeated over and over again, "The truth will set you free..."
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Y.A.H.W.E.H.
Y - Yearning to be more like You. Yearning to keep my promises like You. Yearning to have Your Word instilled in my heart, to lead my family, and those that You call me to give to.
A - Amazing. Astounding. Accepting. Awesome.
H - Holy. Hearing me always. Honorable.
W - Wanting to be closer to You. Wanting Your blessings. Wanting Your favor. Wanting You walking with me everywhere that I go.
E - Everlasting. Elevating. Eternal. Exciting.
H - Hallowed. Healer. Helpful. Honest.
There are tons of other words that describe You, my Master, but I seriously cant think of them right now, lol. I guess what I'm trying to say, these are definitely the things that I think of that make me thankful that You even consider me a son. I KNOW that I'm nowhere near perfect and that I could never earn Your favor or your blessings. It's just the fact that You even show Your face to me and smile down upon me that, in spite of everything I feel, go through, or run up against, gives me a reason to keep pushing.
I know that Yahweh's favor is on me. When it is, that means that I am gonna go through. Perfect examples include: Moshe (Moses), Hashem (Joseph), Abram (Abraham), and even the Savior Himself, Yahshua (if you know Him as Jesus). The Son had the ultimate favor because He had to give His life, BUT He rose again and cleansed you, I, and the world of our sins and gave us the privilege of being able to get close to the Father again. THANK YOU MY SAVIOR!! I'm forever indebted to You. I love you and even though it gets hard, lonely, and rough and the tears still sometimes fall, I know You are walking with me and leading me to the greatness that You have for me and the glory that You will receive from it...
A - Amazing. Astounding. Accepting. Awesome.
H - Holy. Hearing me always. Honorable.
W - Wanting to be closer to You. Wanting Your blessings. Wanting Your favor. Wanting You walking with me everywhere that I go.
E - Everlasting. Elevating. Eternal. Exciting.
H - Hallowed. Healer. Helpful. Honest.
There are tons of other words that describe You, my Master, but I seriously cant think of them right now, lol. I guess what I'm trying to say, these are definitely the things that I think of that make me thankful that You even consider me a son. I KNOW that I'm nowhere near perfect and that I could never earn Your favor or your blessings. It's just the fact that You even show Your face to me and smile down upon me that, in spite of everything I feel, go through, or run up against, gives me a reason to keep pushing.
I know that Yahweh's favor is on me. When it is, that means that I am gonna go through. Perfect examples include: Moshe (Moses), Hashem (Joseph), Abram (Abraham), and even the Savior Himself, Yahshua (if you know Him as Jesus). The Son had the ultimate favor because He had to give His life, BUT He rose again and cleansed you, I, and the world of our sins and gave us the privilege of being able to get close to the Father again. THANK YOU MY SAVIOR!! I'm forever indebted to You. I love you and even though it gets hard, lonely, and rough and the tears still sometimes fall, I know You are walking with me and leading me to the greatness that You have for me and the glory that You will receive from it...
Thursday, January 5, 2012
The Dragon Chronicles Book 1, Ch.5: F**K YOU!!!
Over the course of the Dragon Chronicles, I've explored some topics that people, but mainly myself, think about from time to time. During this time period, I think I've been plenty cool about approaching certain topics in a cool, calm, and collected manner. I've shown respect when needed and I've risen above a lot of bull to still speak on stuff in respectful ways. So I think it's time to switch it up a little bit. Yahweh, my Master, please forgive me for what's about to transpire, but quite frankly, I just don't care anymore. Everybody that gets named directly or indirectly, you know what you did, you don't have to own up to it. That's the part that you CHOOSE to do for yourself, whether you want to or not. While 2012 is the year of new beginnings for me, it's also the year that I hit the killswitch and put to rest ALL of the people and things who ain't riding with me, I don't want riding with me, all of those who had a problem with me for whatever reason you could conjure up, and that which I don't need or want in my life anymore. A wise woman once said, "Say the shit that needs to be said. Spit the truth, Fuck the lies. Man up or bitch down." So because of those words, this installment is all about that. My King, please forgive me for the language about to be used because I do have to release it all.
First nigga up: You, cuz, LMAO! THE FUCK CAN I SAY ABOUT YO BITCH ASS?! Only reason I ain't mentioning yo name is because I simply never knew it. Yo punk ass was talking REAL GREASY about a certain woman that we both know. Calling her all kinds of bitches and hoes and and what not. But as SOON, SOON as she put me on the phone to holla at you about you talkin sidewayz out the side of ya damn mouth, you ain't got shit to say. The same clown ass nigga who was tryin to smash. The same clown ass nigga tryin to fuckin run game on her and the SAME clown ass nigga who for some reason or another STILL try to maintain innocence about what you did and YO OWN NIGGA GAVE YO ASS UP!! Cuz, if you wanna go to your grave with that, then fine. Go head. But you should always know, you ain't NEVER escaping that, but you should be glad you escaped the ass whoopin lil shawty was gon put on yo ass. BITCH MADE NIGGA!
AND SINCE I'm on a certain girl, it brings me to the next dude. Mike. In the beginning, you was a foul ass nigga for the shit you pulled. Honestly, you still are in my eyes. But let me clarify. I don't know shit about you to call you a foul ass nigga. You could actually be a cool ass dude and probably in another lifetime, or if shit didn't go down the way that it did, it's possible we could have actually been friends. But it's your ACTIONS make you a foul ass nigga in my eyes. Funny thing is though, for a time, I actually respected you and lil shawty can vouch for that. You were taking care of her and looking out for her and because of that, I actually honored you, bruh. In spite of yo foul ass ways and moving in on a engaged woman, I cant believe that I still thought high of you for looking out for her. But that shit stops THERE. I cant honor you no more man. Bruh, you a grown ass man still acting like a lil ass kid. You should be taking care of Charlize, NOT THE OTHER FUCKIN WAY AROUND CUZ!! Charlize, if you wanna show him this shit and let him read it for himself, go right head. You got the number, you can holla at me about this, text me, call me, I don't care. You got the email, shoot 1. I'm on facebook now, holla at me. You can shoot a message through PSN, holla at me. Hell, I'm coming back to the A soon, I'll even come to you to rap to ya about this because that shit ain't cool. You need to wake up and understand the wise words somebody told you. "You betta treat that woman with love and respect because if you don't, she'll be gone and she wont ever come back." AND THEN WITH ALL THAT'S HAPPENED OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS?! AIN'T NO MUTHAFUCKIN REASON IN HEAVEN OR FUCKIN EARTH THAT YO ASS SHOULDN'T BE PRAISING THIS FUCK OUTTA THIS GIRL!! NO FUCKIN REASON THAT THIS GIRL SHOULD FEEL THE WAY THAT SHE DOES AND IT'S ON HER FACE DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND YOU ARE SO FUCKIN OBLIVIOUS THAT YOU CANT EVEN SEE IT! A part of her is slowly gathering strength and she's slowly pushing her way toward the surface. A word of advice: Don't let her become numb and keep that part of her down and dormant as much as you can. Numbness is the key to her strength for you to see a side you NEVER thought she possessed. I honestly don't give a fuck if you read this or not, but I'm speaking on what's real and I dont bite my fuckin tongue nor does my knee bow down to no man. I ain't mad at cha. I'm honestly not anymore. Do ya thang, playboy. You wanna rap to me? Hit the comment box or hit the lines of communication, I'm always patiently waiting...
Jasmine. Even though you did a VERY FUCKED UP THING which caused the fuckin jump off of all of this shit, this 1 I take the blame for because it was my fault. For you to call yourself my best friend is something I honor, but the actions that you would pull towards your so called, "best friend" is fucked up. You chose to keep a couple that was ALREADY apart for reasons outside of us from bringing in the new year together because of a nigga who wasn't even tryin to see, hear, or even acknowledge your existence?! That shit was fuckin foul on yo part and you know it. I didn't care about a fuckin explanation the next day. I didn't care about what the fuck you could say. The fact of the matter is that you did a very fucked up thing, not just to me, to us, and like I stated earlier, it was the catalyst for the shit that would transpire later on in that year. YEA YOU GET A FUCKIN FANGER IN THE MIDDLE FOR THAT SHIT!!
Mister whatever the fuck was wrong with me at the time or whatever you said or whatever the fuck yo name is. I honestly don't even know if you still alive or still exist anymore, so I guess I'll just go with a simple FUCK YOU NIGGA and move on.
HAHAHAHA!!! Darryl, you bitch ass nigga! I'm quite certain yo hoe ass is the biggest bitch on this fuckin list right now. You got a lot of fuckin nerve opening yo damn mouth on shit you know NOTHIN about. Seeing as how you can barely open your mouth anymore, maybe that should put a stop to that shit. DON'T YOU EVER! EVER! EVERRRRRR! IN YO MUTHAFUCKIN LIFE AGAIN, SPEAK ON THAT SHAWTY OR MY DAUGHTER AGAIN! If there are 2 people that I would gladly kill over and could give a fuck less about what I get for it, it's those 2. You dont know shit about that woman so how dare you open your mouth and say ANYTHING about her if you don't know on what the fuck is going on? You know NOTHING about this situation. The only people who do is the nigga typing this fuckin shit, the 2012 version of shawty, and the woman who took this situation to her grave, my Nana. You don't understand how fuckin with fire will get yo ass torched. T.I. said it best, "Watch what you say to me." I bet yo ass learned that day.
Ashley. Ashley. Ashley. I was wrong. Darryl ain't the biggest bitch on this list. YOU ARE!! I normally hate using that word unless it's in the case of a woman actually deserving that shit. AND YOU ARE DEFINITELY DESERVING. Ho w (space was purposely put there) dare you sit there and call another woman a hoe and YO ASS AIN'T GOT NOTHING BUT SHIT ON YOU THAT I CAN BURY YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WITH?! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO SAY SOME SHIT LIKE THAT?! THE NIGGAS YOU BEEN WITH ARE SOME OF MY POTNAS AND YOU THINK THAT THESE NIGGAS WOULDN'T TALK?!?! You must have been out yo rabbit ass mind, shawty. Since I am a dude with respect, I wont put that out there. Just know you a bitch for the shit you let slide out yo muthafuckin mouth and yo ass is fuckin dead to me! DEAD!
Last, but not least, TO EVERY LAST MUTHAFUCKA WHO SPOKE ILL ON ME, HER, OR THIS FUCKIN SITUATION....MUTHA FUCK EVER LAST 1 OF YOU BITCHES. Crazy thing about that is, I also gotta turn the shit at myself because I've said some things on this shit that have drove me crazy and came out in my rage induced moments. I've said some of the most stupidest shit that I could have possible said toward Yahweh, and I'm actually shocked that I'm still here. I don't deserve it and it's only by the Grace of My King that I'm still here. But like I said, that shit is all dead. I've come a long way in 2011 and I've had to walk this path, broken, beat down, spit upon, ridiculed, and shunned. Don't know WHY the hell I've had to endure it, but the 1 thing that I have done is walk the path and kept walking. Ain't a person on this planet who cares about how the hell I feel about it, but honestly, what does it even matter anymore? No one cares? Then no one just cares. I still have to walk this for whatever reason. Is Yahweh tryin to break me, ridicule me, rise me above all this and bring things into my life that I never knew or even thought about? No clue.
All I can say is that, my rage, the Joker, all of that shit is dead and left buried in 2011. If I walk alone in 2012, so be it. I've been doing it all my life anyway. Maybe I just gotta keep doing for the rest of my life. I don't know, only the Master does. In closing, I got all that shit out that I wanted and needed to. The shit had to be said, either by me, by her, by Yahweh, by SOMEBODY. If you think I'm wrong about any of these things, then YOU just think that and you're entitled to your opinion and I'll gladly respect the fact we have different viewpoints. But from my vantage point, it was gonna get said eventually. Folk should just be glad that I said it because if shawty did, it would have came out a HELL of a lot worse than any sentence I could put together. She's mastered the art of killing with words. Chances are she might have something to say about me for writing this and I am expecting a cuss out, but hey, that's just the consequences of things when you come real with it and I accept full responsibility of the consequences, no matter what they may be. The truth cant be accepted by everybody and folk do like to run away from it or twist it into some kind of fantasy that everything is fine and dandy. What happens when it's so concrete and written in stone that you cant escape it? There will be nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Where do you go? What do you do when the Yahweh revealed truth is staring directly at you?...
First nigga up: You, cuz, LMAO! THE FUCK CAN I SAY ABOUT YO BITCH ASS?! Only reason I ain't mentioning yo name is because I simply never knew it. Yo punk ass was talking REAL GREASY about a certain woman that we both know. Calling her all kinds of bitches and hoes and and what not. But as SOON, SOON as she put me on the phone to holla at you about you talkin sidewayz out the side of ya damn mouth, you ain't got shit to say. The same clown ass nigga who was tryin to smash. The same clown ass nigga tryin to fuckin run game on her and the SAME clown ass nigga who for some reason or another STILL try to maintain innocence about what you did and YO OWN NIGGA GAVE YO ASS UP!! Cuz, if you wanna go to your grave with that, then fine. Go head. But you should always know, you ain't NEVER escaping that, but you should be glad you escaped the ass whoopin lil shawty was gon put on yo ass. BITCH MADE NIGGA!
AND SINCE I'm on a certain girl, it brings me to the next dude. Mike. In the beginning, you was a foul ass nigga for the shit you pulled. Honestly, you still are in my eyes. But let me clarify. I don't know shit about you to call you a foul ass nigga. You could actually be a cool ass dude and probably in another lifetime, or if shit didn't go down the way that it did, it's possible we could have actually been friends. But it's your ACTIONS make you a foul ass nigga in my eyes. Funny thing is though, for a time, I actually respected you and lil shawty can vouch for that. You were taking care of her and looking out for her and because of that, I actually honored you, bruh. In spite of yo foul ass ways and moving in on a engaged woman, I cant believe that I still thought high of you for looking out for her. But that shit stops THERE. I cant honor you no more man. Bruh, you a grown ass man still acting like a lil ass kid. You should be taking care of Charlize, NOT THE OTHER FUCKIN WAY AROUND CUZ!! Charlize, if you wanna show him this shit and let him read it for himself, go right head. You got the number, you can holla at me about this, text me, call me, I don't care. You got the email, shoot 1. I'm on facebook now, holla at me. You can shoot a message through PSN, holla at me. Hell, I'm coming back to the A soon, I'll even come to you to rap to ya about this because that shit ain't cool. You need to wake up and understand the wise words somebody told you. "You betta treat that woman with love and respect because if you don't, she'll be gone and she wont ever come back." AND THEN WITH ALL THAT'S HAPPENED OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF MONTHS?! AIN'T NO MUTHAFUCKIN REASON IN HEAVEN OR FUCKIN EARTH THAT YO ASS SHOULDN'T BE PRAISING THIS FUCK OUTTA THIS GIRL!! NO FUCKIN REASON THAT THIS GIRL SHOULD FEEL THE WAY THAT SHE DOES AND IT'S ON HER FACE DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND YOU ARE SO FUCKIN OBLIVIOUS THAT YOU CANT EVEN SEE IT! A part of her is slowly gathering strength and she's slowly pushing her way toward the surface. A word of advice: Don't let her become numb and keep that part of her down and dormant as much as you can. Numbness is the key to her strength for you to see a side you NEVER thought she possessed. I honestly don't give a fuck if you read this or not, but I'm speaking on what's real and I dont bite my fuckin tongue nor does my knee bow down to no man. I ain't mad at cha. I'm honestly not anymore. Do ya thang, playboy. You wanna rap to me? Hit the comment box or hit the lines of communication, I'm always patiently waiting...
Jasmine. Even though you did a VERY FUCKED UP THING which caused the fuckin jump off of all of this shit, this 1 I take the blame for because it was my fault. For you to call yourself my best friend is something I honor, but the actions that you would pull towards your so called, "best friend" is fucked up. You chose to keep a couple that was ALREADY apart for reasons outside of us from bringing in the new year together because of a nigga who wasn't even tryin to see, hear, or even acknowledge your existence?! That shit was fuckin foul on yo part and you know it. I didn't care about a fuckin explanation the next day. I didn't care about what the fuck you could say. The fact of the matter is that you did a very fucked up thing, not just to me, to us, and like I stated earlier, it was the catalyst for the shit that would transpire later on in that year. YEA YOU GET A FUCKIN FANGER IN THE MIDDLE FOR THAT SHIT!!
Mister whatever the fuck was wrong with me at the time or whatever you said or whatever the fuck yo name is. I honestly don't even know if you still alive or still exist anymore, so I guess I'll just go with a simple FUCK YOU NIGGA and move on.
HAHAHAHA!!! Darryl, you bitch ass nigga! I'm quite certain yo hoe ass is the biggest bitch on this fuckin list right now. You got a lot of fuckin nerve opening yo damn mouth on shit you know NOTHIN about. Seeing as how you can barely open your mouth anymore, maybe that should put a stop to that shit. DON'T YOU EVER! EVER! EVERRRRRR! IN YO MUTHAFUCKIN LIFE AGAIN, SPEAK ON THAT SHAWTY OR MY DAUGHTER AGAIN! If there are 2 people that I would gladly kill over and could give a fuck less about what I get for it, it's those 2. You dont know shit about that woman so how dare you open your mouth and say ANYTHING about her if you don't know on what the fuck is going on? You know NOTHING about this situation. The only people who do is the nigga typing this fuckin shit, the 2012 version of shawty, and the woman who took this situation to her grave, my Nana. You don't understand how fuckin with fire will get yo ass torched. T.I. said it best, "Watch what you say to me." I bet yo ass learned that day.
Ashley. Ashley. Ashley. I was wrong. Darryl ain't the biggest bitch on this list. YOU ARE!! I normally hate using that word unless it's in the case of a woman actually deserving that shit. AND YOU ARE DEFINITELY DESERVING. Ho w (space was purposely put there) dare you sit there and call another woman a hoe and YO ASS AIN'T GOT NOTHING BUT SHIT ON YOU THAT I CAN BURY YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WITH?! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO SAY SOME SHIT LIKE THAT?! THE NIGGAS YOU BEEN WITH ARE SOME OF MY POTNAS AND YOU THINK THAT THESE NIGGAS WOULDN'T TALK?!?! You must have been out yo rabbit ass mind, shawty. Since I am a dude with respect, I wont put that out there. Just know you a bitch for the shit you let slide out yo muthafuckin mouth and yo ass is fuckin dead to me! DEAD!
Last, but not least, TO EVERY LAST MUTHAFUCKA WHO SPOKE ILL ON ME, HER, OR THIS FUCKIN SITUATION....MUTHA FUCK EVER LAST 1 OF YOU BITCHES. Crazy thing about that is, I also gotta turn the shit at myself because I've said some things on this shit that have drove me crazy and came out in my rage induced moments. I've said some of the most stupidest shit that I could have possible said toward Yahweh, and I'm actually shocked that I'm still here. I don't deserve it and it's only by the Grace of My King that I'm still here. But like I said, that shit is all dead. I've come a long way in 2011 and I've had to walk this path, broken, beat down, spit upon, ridiculed, and shunned. Don't know WHY the hell I've had to endure it, but the 1 thing that I have done is walk the path and kept walking. Ain't a person on this planet who cares about how the hell I feel about it, but honestly, what does it even matter anymore? No one cares? Then no one just cares. I still have to walk this for whatever reason. Is Yahweh tryin to break me, ridicule me, rise me above all this and bring things into my life that I never knew or even thought about? No clue.
All I can say is that, my rage, the Joker, all of that shit is dead and left buried in 2011. If I walk alone in 2012, so be it. I've been doing it all my life anyway. Maybe I just gotta keep doing for the rest of my life. I don't know, only the Master does. In closing, I got all that shit out that I wanted and needed to. The shit had to be said, either by me, by her, by Yahweh, by SOMEBODY. If you think I'm wrong about any of these things, then YOU just think that and you're entitled to your opinion and I'll gladly respect the fact we have different viewpoints. But from my vantage point, it was gonna get said eventually. Folk should just be glad that I said it because if shawty did, it would have came out a HELL of a lot worse than any sentence I could put together. She's mastered the art of killing with words. Chances are she might have something to say about me for writing this and I am expecting a cuss out, but hey, that's just the consequences of things when you come real with it and I accept full responsibility of the consequences, no matter what they may be. The truth cant be accepted by everybody and folk do like to run away from it or twist it into some kind of fantasy that everything is fine and dandy. What happens when it's so concrete and written in stone that you cant escape it? There will be nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Where do you go? What do you do when the Yahweh revealed truth is staring directly at you?...
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Legend of Quinn
Legends. Myths. Stories. Epic tales. We've all heard 1 at some point in our lives. After hearing about these fantastic tales, does it ever make you wonder how much of it actually happened and how much of it is myth? I know that I have sometimes. But there was 1 legend that I was told I wouldn't have believed if it wasn't for the fact that I saw it with my own eyes and it's as real as I'm typing this right now. Now in the future, this might be told as a crazy story or as a myth, but I do know that right now, as it's about to be told, those who know it know that it's true, and those who don't, be prepared...
There was this woman. She was extremely beautiful. 1 of the most virtuous that you would ever come across, maybe ever. She had such an innocence about her that no one could believe that she was truly such a captivating beauty. She was 1 of the most selfless people that you would ever meet, always willing to help those in need. Always smiling, always offering her time and support to those or to things that required her effort. Her essence was compared to that of the life sustaining sun that we all know and need. She was the woman that anybody could depend on to help in a situation. She still is. No matter what or who. No matter the circumstances, if she was able to help, you could set your watch to the woman because that's how quick she would be there to help anybody.
Even though she was helping and she was the most captivating woman anyone ever knew, nobody had the faintest idea that a chance meeting would totally change her forever. No one knew that 1 man (now 2 in the days of future past) or even her own family could ever have the effect that it did on her. No one could see that the radiant beauty on the outside was slowly becoming a dark, sinister force that, when pushed, had the potential to eradicate and completely decimate all that came into contact with her. It is from that dark shroud that was slowly engulfing her that the entity known as Quinn came to be born. If the woman is a selfless, beautiful, captivating spirit, Quinn is infinitely different. Where the woman is light, Quinn is darkness. Where the woman is selfless, Quinn's purpose is to protect the woman by getting her to think of herself. Where the essence of the woman is compared to the sun, Quinn's essence is the sadness, anger, hurt, pain, and emptiness that the woman has done her best to hide from the world. The woman and Quinn differ greatly, but the most amazing part about that is, nobody knows that the woman and Quinn are 1 and the same. It's a quality that's 1 of the woman's most amazing, she's able to hide her pain and feelings well.
The 1 thing that's a problem though is Quinn wanting to be released. When Quinn sees and/or knows that the woman is doing something that she shouldn't do or trying to tell her to do something that she doesn't want to do, Quinn fights her hardest to get out. I guess you could say that Quinn is her conscience, but she's anything but. There is a never ending war going on between the woman and Quinn. Sometimes the woman wins, sometimes Quinn. It's a power struggle of who can finally top who. Whether Quinn should always be in control. Whether the woman should always remain in control. Quinn was formed from a very dark beginning and still fights to get out. Right now, if you listen quietly, you can hear Quinn's screams as she pleads for escape, screaming with all of her might to be released from her prison that she might once again experience the outside world. There are those who think that Quinn's a danger to the world which is why she must be locked away, never to see the light of day again. There are those who think that Quinn's desire for freedom are made up in her head and that everything will be OK in the long run. There are those who think Quinn is just a made up thought in the woman's mind and that she's living in a fantasy world.
People think the woman is just someone who can be taken advantage of, used, abused, can acquire what they want from her and leave it at that. Like she doesn't have feelings that need to be nurtured, cared for, loved, and cherished. THIS is why Quinn wants out. To show that this woman is NO ONE to be pushed around, beat down, or taken for granted again. The woman has wasted so much of her essence on those that truly weren't worth it and has become a shell of her former self. The smile that was able to light up an entire room when she walked in are replaced by tears and having to hide all of her pain away to save face. The sorrow that she bares makes her a tragic figure in history, made to carry the burdens of those who chose to throw theirs on her shoulders. Her dark side can only take so much and little does anyone, including the woman, know that all of this pain, sorrow, anger, and depression are gathering and giving Quinn energy. It's giving her the strength to rise out of her prison and break free.
Those who took advantage of her in the past and in the present, she's coming for all of them. She's coming for everyone that's ever taken advantage of her selflessness and of her caring, loving nature. Everything that anyone has ever done to her that they thought they were gonna get away with, Quinn has remembered it all and is coming to get back everything no one thought that she would ever care about again. Quinn is coming to destroy all the sadness, pain, and betrayals that the woman has received over the years. She's coming to destroy all the chains and barriers that everyone has put on her and around her to try and keep her "under control." So goes the legend at least. This is the part nobody wants to believe or even cares about believing. Sometimes, just sometimes, even I forget or seem not to care anymore, seeing as how I figure I don't have a reason to care anymore. But sometimes, just sometimes, Quinn calls out in the night to me, in the roar of the mighty lion, waiting for the release.
The story is over. The tale is done. That's how the legend goes. Is it true you ask? Does an entity like that really exist inside a woman who is nothing short of the most selfless woman ever? The legend is true, that I'm certain of. Is Quinn dead? Who knows? Will she ever rise again? Again, who knows? And what of the Joker? The 1 who is able to calm and reach her when she goes into her mad state? The 1 who is the only 1 that understands her and her inner rage. Well he's lost to time. Or is he? Is he somewhere, just waiting, lurking, ready to rise again when the time is right? Again, who knows? The legend of Quinn is a redemption 1 though as she and the woman finally become 1 and realize that they cant live without each other. They learn to embrace each other's strengths and weaknesses and begin to live in complete harmony as 1, the woman being restored to her essence and who she was, and Quinn being her protector when someone tries to steal it and corrupt it again. She goes on to find the love of her life and there she resurrects him and they begin life anew and for the first time in her existence on Earth, Quinn and the woman both feel the love, happiness, and security that she's always longed for.
So goes the legend. It may sound like a fantastical myth or like something straight out of a fairy tale. But just like all of the different legends that have been told over the time that humans have been walking this planet, all legends have some basis of truth. Quinn is real and she will return to the land of the living. Keep watching my friends, for her re-emergence is just on the horizon...
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The Dragon Chronicles Book 1, Ch.4...The Rising Sun Begins
Just like my last post, I dont know if I can call it a coincidence that the first day of 2012 falls on the first day of the week. It's also not a coincidence that my new year started out the way that it did last night. For the first time in almost 25 years of Yahweh giving me the gift of life on His planet, I actually brought in the new year with a smile on my face. Compared to last year's anger, this year's smile actually brought a bit of optimism to me. For those who dont know, last new year was brought in with anger because a friend kept me and my love from spending it together because of a party. I can honestly say that THAT was the kickoff to the F'd up year that was 2011. Also because I started my year in anger, it also ended that way. 2012 though, I definitely see completion on the horizon. The things that I prayed to the Master for were new beginnings, redemption, restoration, and increase. I just got a good feeling that they ALL will come to pass this year and that this year is the beginning of favor, blessings, increase, and redemption.
This year is a time of rejoicing and a time of looking ahead while still taking 1 step with the Most High...
This year is a time of rejoicing and a time of looking ahead while still taking 1 step with the Most High...
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