Per the way it's been lately, it's been a lot of reflecting and noticing a LOT of things about myself. I realized that I had some abnormal behaviors, but I didn't realize that I was this unhinged (jokingly of course)! It hasn't been anything that I haven't already realized about myself, but it was very interesting about the timing of everything lately. Once I made up in my mind that I was devoted to my change and correcting a bunch of things about me, it's been really interesting to see the shadows of the past pop up again. People I haven't talked to in years started popping up again. Exes that haven't been an afterthought in my mind in years popped up again. The same false promises. The same old stupid shit being said. The same old dumb shit that was going on.
Fortunately, for myself, I wasn't trying to entertain any of the shit, BUT I'll be lying if I didn't admit that it was kind of a thing when a serious ghost popped back up again. When I said my last goodbye, that meant that I was done. There is no coming back. That's usually how that shit goes with me. When I say my last goodbye, I've accepted. I've mourned. I've understood, and I've moved on with everything. Sometimes, it does suck to do that shit because there are people that I don't want to do that to, but for the sake of my sanity or the fact that I'm just done and I'm tired of their shit, my goodbye is final, and it isn't shit else we need to talk about. So, imagine. JUST FUCKING IMAGINE my fucking surprise when the Ghost of all ghosts appears once more in my life. YUP! SHE CAME BACK! Redd showed up again and I have to say that shit took me for a fucking loop because I wasn't, didn't, and wasn't thinking about that shit ever being a possibility again. That was definitely not on my bingo card for 2023.
It was a very cordial conversation. Nothing crazy. Just your usual how you been? What you been up to? How's the family? All of that good shit. Or so I thought. Then those 3 words. THOSE DREADED 3 FUCKING WORDS THAT YOU HATE TO HEAR FROM A MUTHAFUCKA THAT SHATTERED YOU INTO PIECES AND LEFT YOU THERE TO FUCKING ROT AND PICK THEM BITCHES UP BY YOURSELF. "I missed you." Why?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?! Why do you care? What made you say that to me? WHAT WAS THE REASON, BITCH?!?! To see if you still have power over me? To see if you can see manipulate me to do whatever you wanted me to do? That's literally fucking crazy! I'll be sitting here lying if I said that I didn't go back and forth with myself over the shit. That I wanted to believe every single word she was saying to me. That I wanted to believe that she was going to have her actions match her fucking words this time. But because the past can be your biggest slip up or your biggest teacher, (sometimes both), I'm hella proud of myself that I didn't let that shit get any farther than that. I'm proud that she no longer holds the power of me to able to make me fold anytime she wanted to. I can actually thank someone else for that, but that's something that I'm going to address in my next entry THAT is something for me.
It's been confirmed true to me now that when you decide to do something to change your life for your inner peace and correction in life, the universe starts throwing out jabs into the haymakers into the uppercuts into the right or left hooks and shit. That was some shit that I definitely thought that I left in the past and that I thought was going to remain there, but, when making life changing decisions, life comes at you fast and chin checks you to make sure you want what the hell you're asking for. If I want this as bad as I say I do, I definitely got to be ready if shit like this is going to happen.
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