"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." - Benjamin Spock
I gotta say this. The last 72 hours have been crazy, infuriating, confusing, maddening, and illuminating, to say the least. A whole bunch of shit went down in my love life (who the fuck is surprised at this point? Am I right? lol) and I gotta say, I ran the entire gauntlet of emotions. There was anger. There was sadness. There was confusion. There was questions that I didnt have answers to. Honestly, I understand why I didnt have answers to those questions yesterday because all I could do and see was red. I came dangerously close to blacking out and I know for a fact that I could have easily become a danger to myself. As that was happening, I came back to and had a moment of clarity. It was brief, but it was definitely a moment of stillness and a moment I came to realize was actually defining for me.
Here's the thing. You know that I've done nothng, but literally spill my heart and my life on this blog. It's honestly been hella cathartic for me. But upon understanding that and realizing that about half of my life is sprawled out on this blog of mine, this moment of clarity that I had truly is the most defining moment that I've ever shared on here. That moment of clarity...was peace. With all of the rage, the pain, and the overwhelming sadness that I had inside of me, THAT PEACE MOMENT?!?! That shit was, for the brief moment it was, so damn beautiful and honestly an eye opener. Last night, I slept better than I have for the last month, and it was so peaceful. Almost like sleeping on a cloud. I couldnt understand why the fuck or what the fuck was going on, but I'm definitely not going to question a good night of sleep. It's only when I got to work and was still processing my emotions and feelings from the previous day that things finally started to give me more clarity.
Even though I didnt achieve the desired result that I wanted, what I did realize was that I have grown A LOT lately and I honestly didnt even realize it until this morning. Things that I would have been arguing about or that I would have been yelling at or handling the situation completely differently, I noticed that I didn't or even couldnt bring myself to do anymore. I couldnt fathom wanting to react with all of the toxic vitriol. I couldnt possibly think of just wanting to bury my issues and my problems with rage and anger and keep moving forward, just waiting until I finally lose my temper because I didnt deal with my emotions and issues of the prior issues. Therapy truly has taught me how to acknowledge my feelings, think about the 5 Ws when it comes to them, (who, what, when, where, why. MAD emphasis on the why most times), process them, and if necessary, explain them to the person who caused them to happen or be able to move on because I'm able to let them go. Granted, the process isnt always linear, but the fact that I can do it now, it's a great ass thing to be able to do and it's one thing that I can say that I'm proud of myself to be able to do now.
This time was pretty different though. It's not something that I usually do when it comes to myself, but this morning, I was able to say good things about myself. I have issues with talking positively about myself most times, so to be able to do it today, it's a small victory and it's something for me to build on in my journey to getting myself better. As much as I hate to admit it to myself, I know that I am a good person. I know that I have a kind heart. I know that I'm a person that truly gives his all to people that deserve it. Whether or not they truly end up deserving it is something that I can talk about at a later date, but I do know that if I go hard for someone or something, I dont stop or give up until the job is done, they understand that I'm absolutely fucking for real and I'm standing on that shit, or they dont want me to or cant accept it. It's not often that I tell people I fuck with you or that I truly care about you or that I love you, but when I do, you'll always know and feel that shit and I make sure that they never have to second guess that shit about me.
I was doing a lot of questioning of the honor code that I've sworn and devoted my life to lately and quite honestly, I still have my concerns over it. I understood today that regardless of my current feelings on it and if it's still even worth it after all this time or hell if I'm still even worthy of following it, I know that I am a dude of honor. I, unforturnately, am still human and I know that I'll fall short and I'll make the wrong decisions sometimes, but I know that I'll stand on my consequences for making the wrong decisions, regardless of how they may hurt because in my heart, I thought that I made the right call or I knew that I made the right decision and I stand on it regardless. Understanding all of these things about me made me realize that I am a good person. I know that I have my faults and flaws, but I know that I'm a kind person. I'll never say that I'm a nice person because I PROMISE you, on some days, I will absolutely chew a fucking person's head off if I'm not in the mood or they've just been wildly irritating that day, but even with that, I'll still do something kind for someone, regardless of if they've just pissed me the fuck off or not lol.
I made a blood oath to myself yesterday and I'm going to honor it until the conditions of it are met and it can be broken. In spite of it, I'm glad I did it because it's just another chance for me to see how much more growth I've experienced and it just makes me want to continue on the path that I'm on. I'm going to get better. I am better off for it, and I will continue to get and be better. I can't and wont fail this shit. I'm willing myself not to...
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