The Dragon Chronicles Book 3, Ch.6: The Blood Oath Revisited

I've been trying to find the words to put this together. I honestly have no idea how this about to come out, but I'll just shoot this bitch off and wherever the fuck we land is just where the fuck we land.

October. This month is just an experience. So many things have happened to me during this month that I can honestly say that if I'm going to learn anything important throughout the course of a year, I'm probably going to learn the most in October. This month is one that's filled with celebrations. My cousin and my hero and his daughter share a birthday at the end of it (Halloween). My favorite day/night of the entire year is on the 30th, Devil's Night, even though I'm currently retired (That's something I should probably expound in another entry one of these days lol). Had a couple losses during this month also. My little brother was killed on the 20th of this month, 15 years ago. I also just recently lost a friend of mine this year during this month on the 16th. We haven't been dealing with that one too well at all. Most of my lessons about life. How to walk through it. How to navigate it and quite frankly, half of my thought process and my way of moving was crafted and cultivated during this month also (Rest in Pieces and in hell, you stupid son of a bitch).

This month also has something that's going to happen in it that I haven't acknowledged in a long time, but always did when the mission was still in progress. Tonight is the Hunter's moon. It's usually represented historically as a signal that it's that time of year when the Indigenous peoples would start to gather up their stock of food for winter. They're reaping what they've sowed from their harvests, and they are out hunting and gathering meat from deer and other prey that have been fattening themselves up from eating during the summer. The Hunter's Moon for me was a signal that the Fallen were with us and guiding our paths and covering us, making sure that we came back home. This year, there's going to be a lunar eclipse with this Hunter's Moon and I gotta say, the energy has been something CRAZY all this month. I've gone from confusion, to tears and heartache, to being absolutely floored because of lost, to being completely reticent, to reluctant acceptance, to something completely rejuvenating and reigniting the Dragon fire in my heart, to understanding what I need to do now, to being ready to walk through the depths of Tartarus to reach where the fuck I want to be and what the fuck I want from this world. AND I'm willing to burn this fucking world down in order to reach it. I've been denied A LOT of shit because of my actions and the actions of others, and I'm done with that shit being my crutch now. 

Because of everything that's transpired, mostly in the last 2 1/2 weeks, when the lunar eclipse happens, I'm taking a blood oath. It's going to be one that covers the one I took earlier on the 16th. I take these promises extremely seriously because I'm spilling my own blood to stand by it and stand on it. In front of my witnesses, in front of the Fallen, my little brother Talon, my cousin Vashawn, Sonya, and on the graves of 2 little ones, I will give myself to my cause. No matter what it takes. If it means I never love again, so be it. If that means I will never have another friend, so be it. If that means I must cut myself off from the entire world and become a wraith where I acknowledge no human anymore, so be it. By my word and by the flame of the eternal Dragon, I will devote and pledge myself to my cause. I will honor the Fallen by earning my title back. I will honor myself by showing and proving myself worthy of the title. Nothing else matters moving forward except that...

The Dragon Chronicles Book 3, Ch.5: Shadows of the Past

So, everybody, (even though I know it's no one lol), I'm back again. I apparently have a lot to say lately and while that's not a bad thing, in terms of this blog, it's been a LONG WHILE since I've been this ready with the trigger fingers to type out. 

Per the way it's been lately, it's been a lot of reflecting and noticing a LOT of things about myself. I realized that I had some abnormal behaviors, but I didn't realize that I was this unhinged (jokingly of course)! It hasn't been anything that I haven't already realized about myself, but it was very interesting about the timing of everything lately. Once I made up in my mind that I was devoted to my change and correcting a bunch of things about me, it's been really interesting to see the shadows of the past pop up again. People I haven't talked to in years started popping up again. Exes that haven't been an afterthought in my mind in years popped up again. The same false promises. The same old stupid shit being said. The same old dumb shit that was going on. 

Fortunately, for myself, I wasn't trying to entertain any of the shit, BUT I'll be lying if I didn't admit that it was kind of a thing when a serious ghost popped back up again. When I said my last goodbye, that meant that I was done. There is no coming back. That's usually how that shit goes with me. When I say my last goodbye, I've accepted. I've mourned. I've understood, and I've moved on with everything. Sometimes, it does suck to do that shit because there are people that I don't want to do that to, but for the sake of my sanity or the fact that I'm just done and I'm tired of their shit, my goodbye is final, and it isn't shit else we need to talk about. So, imagine. JUST FUCKING IMAGINE my fucking surprise when the Ghost of all ghosts appears once more in my life. YUP! SHE CAME BACK! Redd showed up again and I have to say that shit took me for a fucking loop because I wasn't, didn't, and wasn't thinking about that shit ever being a possibility again. That was definitely not on my bingo card for 2023. 

It was a very cordial conversation. Nothing crazy. Just your usual how you been? What you been up to? How's the family? All of that good shit. Or so I thought. Then those 3 words. THOSE DREADED 3 FUCKING WORDS THAT YOU HATE TO HEAR FROM A MUTHAFUCKA THAT SHATTERED YOU INTO PIECES AND LEFT YOU THERE TO FUCKING ROT AND PICK THEM BITCHES UP BY YOURSELF. "I missed you." Why?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME?! Why do you care? What made you say that to me? WHAT WAS THE REASON, BITCH?!?! To see if you still have power over me? To see if you can see manipulate me to do whatever you wanted me to do? That's literally fucking crazy! I'll be sitting here lying if I said that I didn't go back and forth with myself over the shit. That I wanted to believe every single word she was saying to me. That I wanted to believe that she was going to have her actions match her fucking words this time. But because the past can be your biggest slip up or your biggest teacher, (sometimes both), I'm hella proud of myself that I didn't let that shit get any farther than that. I'm proud that she no longer holds the power of me to able to make me fold anytime she wanted to. I can actually thank someone else for that, but that's something that I'm going to address in my next entry THAT is something for me. 

It's been confirmed true to me now that when you decide to do something to change your life for your inner peace and correction in life, the universe starts throwing out jabs into the haymakers into the uppercuts into the right or left hooks and shit. That was some shit that I definitely thought that I left in the past and that I thought was going to remain there, but, when making life changing decisions, life comes at you fast and chin checks you to make sure you want what the hell you're asking for. If I want this as bad as I say I do, I definitely got to be ready if shit like this is going to happen.

The Dragon Chronicles Book 3, Ch. 4: Show Me the Way to Go

Shit, I got another one in me?! Damn I've been hella consistent with this these last few days, LMAO! While I do promise myself, I'm definitely going to start writing more about what's going on with me for me to look back to see, shit definitely be hard sometimes because life definitely be doing some fucking lifeing at times! Shit just makes you wanna box everything and everybody around you sometimes. Well, with this entry, it came to me yesterday, but I knew that I couldn't write it because I couldn't think of how it would look. I knew the subject matter that I wanted to cover, but I couldn't figure out how to approach it or how to even write it. Then on the way home, it kinda hit me. I know exactly what I want to say and I know exactly how I want to say it. I just need to make sure it doesn't sound like complete and utter chaos coming off of my fingers as I type it, lol.

On the way home today, I was doing A LOT of reflecting on the events of this week, hell on the last 10 months of my life. Quite honestly, it's been a lot of eventful shit that happened this year, from me FINALLY getting to see the baddest band in the land, otherwise known as the GOATs, but they go by a simpler name called Alter Bridge, to the fact I'm making strides at my job and I'm getting groomed for another promotion (again but knock on wood though. I aint trying to have that shit go past me lol), to the fact that I'm in the gym again since the Dark Years and I gotta say, I forgot how much I loved the shit and the clarity that it brings. Granted, I'm focused for an entirely different reason this time, but that aggression and that driven ass focus are things that I've missed so fucking much, it isn't even funny. Can't forget the fact that, I'm just gonna be nice and call it my nonexistent ass love life. That's literally the nicest thing I can say about it because that bitch is actually in shambles, but I'm doing that thing now where I show myself some grace and I take it easy on myself. Actually, been kind of dope doing that because I can take a step back and truly think about everything and bring myself some closure and it comes a lot easier and, honestly, healthier than it used to. Well getting back to the ride home. I was just reflecting on everything that this year has been and brought, and while I do appreciate the lessons, painful or not, that 2023 has given and taught me, I know that it's time to take a stand on that shit and it's time for a true change and doing shit differently in my life. I KNOW what I want my life to look like. I know how I want myself to look like in it. I know how I want the people to look in it. I know what I want my person's role to look like in my life and how I want us both to be individually and towards each other. I have a vision and it's never been clearer to me than it was earlier today.

I GOT MONEY EVERYWHERE!!!! (Shout out to Chloe and Halle and congratulations to Halle as well!). I know how I want to live. I've never wanted to live in luxury, but I have always wanted to be comfortable and have the money to just plan vacations, excursions, date nights, and just being able to buy shit without having to think twice about it. I'm always careful with my bread, but still. My person and my future family deserve to be spoiled and shit, (This being a giver shit for the muthafuckin birds sometimes tho lol). IDK, man. I've been feeling mad fucking romantic lately and, for me, that's some really left shit. Like I can't remember the last time I truly felt like this, and it was something that I truly wanted to do myself because I would make me feel good and also the fact that I also love making my person smile also.

I find myself getting HYPE over this feeling of passion and love that I find myself feeling lately. (I'll give Aubrey his flowers for that song). I honestly don't know what the fuck has come over me. It's like something has lit a fire in my heart and I've just been releasing a whole bunch of emotion from it that's been trapped in it for well over a decade. It's really been an interesting science experiment that I've had the pleasure of being able to notate and analyze from both the outside and inside and it's yielded some interesting conclusions. I truly find myself wanting to give this passion, romance, love, and me to someone that's deserving of it. It's something that worthy of both her and me. I just want to be able to announce to the world that I love and care about the woman who sets my heart ablaze. One who inspires me to do great things. Who inspires me to tear down walls and apply scorched earth to everything that came before and build an amazing foundation and amazing fucking life from it. It's something that, regardless of my excellent ability to push shit down with rage and anger and keep it pushing, it's been the one anomaly that I haven't been truly able to get rid of. Definitely makes me feel like I'm the Architect from The Matrix Reloaded.

Speaking of that special woman, THERE'S GOES MY BABY (Shout out the that menace Mr. Raymond)! As much as I talk shit about it and I try to deny myself of it because of therapy shit, I actually can't wait until she walks into my life. How I know it's going to be her is because she's going to immediately shine a light on the darkness in me and clear all that shit out. She's going to be the one that starts a wildfire in my heart that's never going to be able to be put out. She's going to be the one who inspires me to new heights that I didn't even realize that I wanted to go to. She's going to be the inspiration for every move that I do. She's going to be the reason that I think carefully about a lot of the things I do because I will only have her best interest at heart. I wouldn't want to be as reckless as I know I can be sometimes because my moves will make sure that they benefit us both rather than just myself. All I will want to do is making sure I'm keeping a smile on her face and making sure that she can see, feel, understand, and always know that I'm going to always be there, cherish, love, and care about her.

Staying up to see the BREAK OF DAWN (shout out to the GOAT, the legend, Michael Jackson). There's a lot of filthy nasty shit I can say about this part, but I'm not and I'm gonna probably save that for another later entry where I can dedicate that to being absolutely filthy and just downright fucking freaky and nasty lmao!

They say speaking your will into the universe and manifesting that shit will make you start to see the desires of your heart start to come to fruition as long as you're also putting in the work on your end and making sure you're on the right frequency of it also. Well, I can say that I've been doing that since September, and I honestly can't wait to see all this come together. This new and refreshing mindset that I've had since I've had my ass back in this damn gym is really invigorating and, quite frankly, it's definitely spilling into different parts of my life, and it's had a hell of a positive reinforcement to me. Granted, I know you can't have positive without the negative that comes with it also, but I'm sick of constantly dwelling on the negative shit. so why not try something new and see what the fuck happens, right? I'm coming for all of this shit (giggety). I'm coming for my money. I'm coming for my new place, I'm coming for my special woman, I'm coming for my better life. I'm going to make it happen. I will it into existence. I gotta stand on business for this and I gotta make sure that I'm the best man that I can be for myself, my principles, my code, my person, my family, my friends. For everything. I just need to be right man. I'm not getting younger (even though I kinda feel like I am lol), but I want this. I haven't wanted anything so bad like I want this. So, I gotta do what I have to do. Tighten up. Buckle down. Keep my mind focused. Keep putting in the work. I deserve it. And honestly, so does she. Whoever she is...

The Dragon Chronicles Book 3, Ch. 3: Bleed It Dry

 "Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do." - Benjamin Spock

I gotta say this. The last 72 hours have been crazy, infuriating, confusing, maddening, and illuminating, to say the least. A whole bunch of shit went down in my love life (who the fuck is surprised at this point? Am I right? lol) and I gotta say, I ran the entire gauntlet of emotions. There was anger. There was sadness. There was confusion. There was questions that I didnt have answers to. Honestly, I understand why I didnt have answers to those questions yesterday because all I could do and see was red. I came dangerously close to blacking out and I know for a fact that I could have easily become a danger to myself. As that was happening, I came back to and had a moment of clarity. It was brief, but it was definitely a moment of stillness and a moment I came to realize was actually defining for me.

Here's the thing. You know that I've done nothng, but literally spill my heart and my life on this blog. It's honestly been hella cathartic for me. But upon understanding that and realizing that about half of my life is sprawled out on this blog of mine, this moment of clarity that I had truly is the most defining moment that I've ever shared on here. That moment of clarity...was peace. With all of the rage, the pain, and the overwhelming sadness that I had inside of me, THAT PEACE MOMENT?!?! That shit was, for the brief moment it was, so damn beautiful and honestly an eye opener. Last night, I slept better than I have for the last month, and it was so peaceful. Almost like sleeping on a cloud. I couldnt understand why the fuck or what the fuck was going on, but I'm definitely not going to question a good night of sleep. It's only when I got to work and was still processing my emotions and feelings from the previous day that things finally started to give me more clarity.

Even though I didnt achieve the desired result that I wanted, what I did realize was that I have grown A LOT lately and I honestly didnt even realize it until this morning. Things that I would have been arguing about or that I would have been yelling at or handling the situation completely differently, I noticed that I didn't or even couldnt bring myself to do anymore. I couldnt fathom wanting to react with all of the toxic vitriol. I couldnt possibly think of just wanting to bury my issues and my problems with rage and anger and keep moving forward, just waiting until I finally lose my temper because I didnt deal with my emotions and issues of the prior issues. Therapy truly has taught me how to acknowledge my feelings, think about the 5 Ws when it comes to them, (who, what, when, where, why. MAD emphasis on the why most times), process them, and if necessary, explain them to the person who caused them to happen or be able to move on because I'm able to let them go. Granted, the process isnt always linear, but the fact that I can do it now, it's a great ass thing to be able to do and it's one thing that I can say that I'm proud of myself to be able to do now. 

This time was pretty different though. It's not something that I usually do when it comes to myself, but this morning, I was able to say good things about myself. I have issues with talking positively about myself most times, so to be able to do it today, it's a small victory and it's something for me to build on in my journey to getting myself better. As much as I hate to admit it to myself, I know that I am a good person. I know that I have a kind heart. I know that I'm a person that truly gives his all to people that deserve it. Whether or not they truly end up deserving it is something that I can talk about at a later date, but I do know that if I go hard for someone or something, I dont stop or give up until the job is done, they understand that I'm absolutely fucking for real and I'm standing on that shit, or they dont want me to or cant accept it. It's not often that I tell people I fuck with you or that I truly care about you or that I love you, but when I do, you'll always know and feel that shit and I make sure that they never have to second guess that shit about me. 

I was doing a lot of questioning of the honor code that I've sworn and devoted my life to lately and quite honestly, I still have my concerns over it. I understood today that regardless of my current feelings on it and if it's still even worth it after all this time or hell if I'm still even worthy of following it, I know that I am a dude of honor. I, unforturnately, am still human and I know that I'll fall short and I'll make the wrong decisions sometimes, but I know that I'll stand on my consequences for making the wrong decisions, regardless of how they may hurt because in my heart, I thought that I made the right call or I knew that I made the right decision and I stand on it regardless. Understanding all of these things about me made me realize that I am a good person. I know that I have my faults and flaws, but I know that I'm a kind person. I'll never say that I'm a nice person because I PROMISE you, on some days, I will absolutely chew a fucking person's head off if I'm not in the mood or they've just been wildly irritating that day, but even with that, I'll still do something kind for someone, regardless of if they've just pissed me the fuck off or not lol.

I made a blood oath to myself yesterday and I'm going to honor it until the conditions of it are met and it can be broken. In spite of it, I'm glad I did it because it's just another chance for me to see how much more growth I've experienced and it just makes me want to continue on the path that I'm on. I'm going to get better. I am better off for it, and I will continue to get and be better. I can't and wont fail this shit. I'm willing myself not to...

The Dragon Chronicles Book 3, Ch. 2: Storm Breaker

"You could not live with your own failure. Where did that bring you? Back to me..." -Thanos

Such a profound line spoken by one of cinema's greatest villains. Such a line can conjure up a lot of things that can make a person remember every single choice that they made before they had to go back and face the very thing that they were trying to avoid, get ahead of, or just out right beat. 

I find myself ruminating on that line a lot lately. It's a lot of things that I thought that I would never have to face again because I thought I beat the problem, I solved it, or it just outright disappeared. I thought I had found my solution and that anything else would be a forgone conclusion because all I needed to do was just simply apply the answer to most things that were needed and, boom, problem solved and eliminated. Apparently, that's not the fucking case when it comes to that damn feeling of love. For the last 10 years, I thought that I had finally rid myself of that stupid ass emotion. Once the cold set in because of the events of what Juju and Redd had done to me, I thought that I was finally done with that insipid feeling and because of that I was ready to get back to what I knew, the darkness that I found my solace and so much comfort in. It was my safe space. Something that I knew that no one could take from me. Something that I know no one would come searching for me in. It was the place I could lock my heart and emotions away because, for one, I know that no one would come looking for them there. Two, the darkness isn't a place the warm-hearted like to venture to because of the unknown in it, but more importantly, three, it was safe. It's all I've known. The place I can go to think and figure out this fucking experience that's called life.

Then someone unexpected happened. Someone that I made a genuine connection with happened. I didn't think much of it. I recognized that there was a connection and thought that it would fizzle out like they usually always do like fucking clockwork. And for a time, it did. Exactly what I predicted happened, but something that I didn't, also did. I didn't expect myself to be as upset as I was when it did. I didn't expect myself to be genuinely upset and mad that it did. That's something that hasn't happened to me in a long time. Getting council from different places didn't seem to help it either because for some reason, I couldn't let it go. I couldn't get it off my mind. I couldn't fathom the why. I couldn't understand why it was stopped. At first. But then, she came back. After things were explained, we both agreed that we should just keep it as friends. But the connection remained. It grew stronger. It grew to become undeniable. It became something that I knew I needed to monitor because it was starting to fuck with checks and balances that I've had in place for a long time. There's no fucking way in hell that this could be a fucking thing again. There's not a fucking chance in hell that I could be starting to feel again. THERE'S NOT A SINGLE CHANCE ACROSS THIS FUCKING UNIVERSE that I could be feeling romantic emotions off rip again. 

Here's the thing about that. Ever since I locked my heart and my emotions away from the world, navigating dating has been easier. I didn't get attached easily. I didn't like women that easy. It was something that I could control. I, unfortunately, am human and for all my efforts for locking my emotions up like that, I still can grow to have some kind of well place feelings for people. It's only when that experience is over that I'm able to analyze the totality of the experience and recognize if it was a strong like, lust that looked like love, rebound love (dear fucking lord, that shit there), or if I really did grow to love a person. Being IN love though? I know for a fact that that's something I haven't felt in a long time. A REALLY long time. Therein lies my problem. I have clear memories of how I am when I'm just feeling someone and when EYE like someone. I know how my tone shifts. I know how my actions shift. I know how my mind shifts. So, imagine my surprise when I catch certain actions that I'm performing, and I have to quickly go into analyzation mode. 

Every single conversation, every action I performed, every thought I've had. All of it was up for review. I found myself slowly dropping my guard little by little, slowly every day from that point until the very second that I'm typing all this shit out. I slowly find myself dropping aspects about myself that I was trying my fucking hardest to keep intact because it took so fucking long to build them. I swore to myself that I would never love again. I promised myself I would never let another fucking broad in. Why should I? For as good as I was to them, all they did was play with my fucking heart and shatter that bitch into a million pieces. They got to frolic the fuck off with whatever bastard they wanted to tickle their twat and here I am having pick myself the fuck up and attempt to put me back together again. No one was there to do that shit for me. I had to keep starting that process over and over and over again. Having to constantly keep doing that shit and then having the reminders of your failure constantly in your face will making any rational human make sure that shit will never happen again. 

Yet here I am. Questioning. Wondering. How the fuck is this possible? How the fuck could I allow something like this? No woman has been able to get close to the inner walls of my heart in a long time, how the fuck could she be going through my defenses at this rate like this? Needless to say, the shit became an interesting thing to see, yet it's also a concerning one because this isn't supposed to happen to me. Things like this don't happen to me. I made sure of that shit. No one is piercing my fucking heart ever again.

For the last 6 fucking months, all she's done is lay siege to my defenses. Meticulously tearing down each wall. Slow, calculated moves of ripping the barbed wire fences away. Patiently walking through and disarming the land mines that I laid across the fields. Until RIGHT FUCKING NOW, she's standing at the last two walls. What was a once an interesting thing to see has now become something that genuinely has me scared. It's been a long time since my mind has been at war with my heart over something. I was able to bend my heart to my mind's will and get them on one accord, but now she's come along and ruined all this shit and now I'm sitting here as a fucking train wreck because I don't know what to do or what the fuck her motive is. My mind is constantly trying to tell me that this shit isn't nothing but a trick and that I'm just going to get fucked over and played like I did all those years ago. My heart is literally pleading with me to just let go and give the shit a chance and just trust what I feel, knowing good and fucking well that that's what got me into this fucking mess in the first place and that made me lock everything away about me.

I've always known that I was a kind person. I, for damn sure, know that I'm not fucking nice and no matter what my attitude is, no matter how much of a fucking dick that I try to be, my kindness eventually comes back out and that shit pisses me off sometimes. I definitely blame my mother for that shit. I say that to say that with my heart and kindness working in tandem again, it's nothing more than me setting myself up again to be fucking destroyed. Again. I don't have it in me to put every single piece of myself back together again and then get up and keep moving. I'm way too fed up to do that shit again.

Look, Panda. Here's the truth that I've been too scared and sorta ashamed to admit. You're not the only afraid here. You're not the only one with shit to lose. You're not the one that is absolutely afraid to be broken and devastated all over again. ALL OVER THIS BLOG are nothing but entries of me recording myself shattering over and over and over again because the only thing that I did was just love these women. You can read them yourself if you like. You want to know what it was like me loving Redd? Read My Last Mistake and My Last Goodbye. You want to know what it was like me loving Juju? Hell start at the entry "A Dragon Lashing Out and Releasing the Flames" and keep reading all the way up to "Bella Pace." You want to see how I loved Sonya? Just read "The Day of Black Moon."  With Redd and Juju, you'll be able to see ALL the red flags I either didn't notice at the time or chose to blatantly ignore. You'll see all my mistakes and you'll see my rawest moments. You'll see complete vulnerability. You'll see me in some of my darkest moments. You'll see a lot of things that you probably aren't expecting either.

You're not the only one scared here. Right now, with all of this and the permission I just granted you, I'm baring myself and also opening myself up to judgement and scrutiny in a way that Ive never done before. I'm fucking terrified of you, Panda. I've given you the key to destroy me whenever you so choose. This is me literally baring my soul to you. Showing you how my mind works. I'm fucking terrified of this. OF YOU! Of what you represent. I'm fucking afraid if I truly do let you in, you're just going to destroy me from the inside. You keep saying that you don't know if you could ever give yourself to love me. I know you could. You know you could. You're just fucking scared. Just like I am. I'm fucking scared you're going to break my heart just like they did. I know you would say you wouldn't because you're not "those bum bitches" as you called them. But just like you told me, how do I know that? How do I know that you're not going to do the same things they did? I have the same questions about you that you do about me. I have the same questions about this just like you do. Yes, I know my heart says that this feels right and that I should give it a chance, but logic demands I constantly and continuously look at this and make sure that I'm making the right choices and making sure that I know 1000% that you won't hurt me. You create fear in me in ways that are both exhilarating and terrifying. The last fucking thing I want to do is hurt you either, but I can't afford to be shattered again. Especially after everything that I've gone through to just get to this point. I know that I would never harm you, hurt you, or try to purposefully make you cry. I know you feel that same way about me, but we are both prisoners to the emotions of our canon events and how we can't make those a "repeating historical moment." 

I feel stupid strongly about you, Panda. I'll keep making that shit clear to you. But you need to understand. I know I look like a walking basket case through your eyes because of what you see and what you can read, but I promise you, it's WAYYY deeper than that. If you decide to read to want to learn, you'll absolutely see that and you'll understand the conflict that's inside me more. It's not because you're making me feel a certain way (well not entirely because you know how I feel about you). It's simply because I feel my feelings very strongly and something like this is something that will definitely find its way to the surface sometimes.

You needed to know this. I have contingencies for this, but before I have to go that route (I seriously hope I don't have to), I just wanted to try this direct route and just finally admit my feelings and just get this shit out so that way I'm not looking like that much more of a fucking idiot trying to avoid you and avoid the inevitable, which was this.