My Last Breath...

As I lay here, taking my final slow grasping breaths, I'm watching all the important and life altering events flash before my life. All of the times that I've found myself in a bind. All of the times that I saw the very people that I loved die before my eyes. The 3 times that I stared death in the face and he chose to let me go those 3 times. As I lay in a ocean of my blood, I don't think he's gonna let me go this time. As all of these events flash before me, I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't listen to the many people who told me not to go out on Devil's Night. Maybe if I didn't, I wouldn't be laying here dying right now. I'm sorry I didn't heed the many warnings of those that simply just wanted to keep me safe.

As I lay here, dying, I just want to take the time to say thank you to those that never left my side, no matter how hard I tried to push you away. No matter how difficult I was to deal with. No matter how much I isolated myself. You all are the very reason that I was able to continue to keep pushing through this life and that also drove me to make sure that I could keep you all protected at all times. Your love and your loyalty have meant everything to me and it's because of you all, I can die honorably. 

To those who made me feel insignificant, those of you who said you cared about me, but your actions VASTLY proved otherwise, I hope you go to your grave living with the fact of how you treated someone who was down for you and gave you absolutely everything that he had. Who you could call upon at the drop of a dime and know that I would have been the one to help you with any and everything that you needed. The most reliable and dependable person that you knew and all you decided to do was just use and take advantage of me for your own gains. Live with that. KNOW that you're a trash ass person and that karma will come back to you.

And to those of you who had my heart in your hands and chose to drop it, spit on it, step on it, and then finally stab it like I was Davy Jones from the Pirates of the Caribbean. I just wanna tell you bastards....thank you. Thank you for the many lessons that I learned because of your betrayals. Thank you for treating me like I wasn't shit because it made me realize what I truly meant to you and it made me also understand how strong I was. It also made me realize that I needed to be cold as possible to keep moving through this life. I also thank you for making me realize that right now. Thank you for letting me know that I'm going to forever be alone, but that I don't need anyone because humanity isn't to be trusted. Nor those that I wanted to have my heart or those that said they "loved me" or "wanted to be with me so bad," but never showed a goddamn move in trying to make it happen.

As my breath grows more shallow, and the hand of death gets closer, I close my eyes as I await my fate. I'm sorry that it came to this Shawn. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you, Sonya and Talon. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you were taken, X and Blaze. I'm so sorry that I didn't get revenge for you Monica and Jessyca. I'll have to tell you all this again when I get there, but I just wanted you to know one last time while I'm on this earthly plane.

As my death knell sounds, I hope that I've made the lives of those I've been in more better than how I left them. I know I wasn't always a good person and I've definitely hurt some of those people. I'm so sorry that I did and it was NEVER my intent to. I've never said I was a nice guy and I know that I'm not always a good person. The one thing I was though was honest, and all I've tried to be with all of you is exactly that. I've tried to be as honorable as possible and I've always tried my absolute hardest to do right by you all. I wasn't always a good person, but I did always try to have good intentions, even if half of them were skewed. Even though I was always at war within myself between the good and bad in me, I've always tried to do the right thing, even though I've had my times where I wasn't concerned about the right thing. 

As I take my last breath, I die saying this. I wasn't always a nice person, but I always had a good heart. Goodbye you all. I'll see you on the other side...

The End of the Road

I wanted to start this out by using a word and then attaching some kind of profound ass statement to the back end of it. Normally, I would do something like that because that's usually how I like to start out my blog material. This time around, however, I would like to start out with a question. The question is simple.

WHAT DOES LOYALTY AND LOVE MEAN TO YOU?

I'm asking this from a place of curiosity, but I'm also asking this from a place of anger and hurt. Yes, I do experience a lot of it, hell 90% of this damn blog is out of anger and hurt, but this time, it's because of recent anger and hurt. I've mentioned this woman on this blog before and back then, I was furious at her for the actions that transpired. In retrospect, I'm glad that it did happen because like I said then, she made the most adorable, cute as a button, and hilarious daughter from it, but compared to what has transpired lately, that was very much a nice cool walk through the park.

Red is the reason of this blog entry this time because ONCE AGAIN, just like over the last 8 years, I've once again been ghosted and basically left for dead by this damn woman. Once again, this muthafucka has fucking hurt me all over again, AND me like a big ass fucking idiot, fell for it, and let this shit happen all over again. Granted, I will never heap COMPLETE blame upon a person if I've also done something wrong. I'm very much guilty of behaving in a flirtatious manner that can in one instance, be entirely misconstrued, and in a completely different instance, be seen as justified. I've never been one to shy away from accountability. I can stand on my own two and state that I did flirt with a couple of women. I cant lie nor will I since there's really no point in it all. But I can say that my reasoning for it is also understandable. It's a simple one. JUST LIKE YOU HAVE ALWAYS FUCKING STATED, you WANT and NEED attention sometimes. JUST LIKE YOU, I'M THE SAME FUCKING WAY!!! What? Because I'm a fucking man that means that I don't wanna be paid attention to or just shown some fucking affection?! It means that I wouldn't want to just cake up with you whenever the fuck I can?! KNOWING ALL THE FUCK THAT I DO ANYWAY AND I'M STILL TRYING TO MAKE TIME FOR YOU?! WE WEREN'T EVEN TO-FUCKING-GETHER AND I WAS STILL MAKING TIME FOR YOU LIKE YOU WERE THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING THING THAT WAS GOING ON WITH ME...BECAUSE YOU FUCKING WERE!!! YOU WERE ALL THAT I WAS FUCKING THINKING ABOUT AND YOU WERE ALL THAT I WAS CONCERNING MYSELF WITH, SO OF FUCKING COURSE I WANNA FUCKING TALK TO YOU! 

Oh and here's something else, since all you wanna do is hold me to ONE fucking mistake that I've made toward you that you can LITERALLY count on your finger that I've made toward you. FUCK ALL THE TRANSGRESSIONS  YOU'VE DONE TO ME. YES LET'S JUST FOCUS ON THE ONE GODDAMN THING THAT I'VE DONE TO YOU! You want to know the REAL reason that I didn't immediately ask you to be my girl right after you broke up with B? BECAUSE I FUCKING KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOUR DAMN SELF!! I know your propensity to jump into another relationship after exiting the previous one. I know how that shit plays on you and how I know how you reacting to certain things in the new relationship that you had just gotten into. You tend to fucking react to shit like it's the last dude without understanding why the hell he did it? Just relaxing and spazzing out without listening! Like I told you the last time I talked to you, which is looking more and more like the last time, I told you that you need to find yourself and recover who you are. You've been defined by every relationship you've been in, but not who the hell you are as a person. I get that. I told you that. I WANT that for you. I want you to find yourself, I want you to be able to say this is who the fuck I am and I don't need a man to define me. I hope that you gain all that empowerment and you can use it to better yourself even more. If you need me out of your life to do that, so be it. If my departure from it helps you to recover that, I'll gladly throw our 8 year friendship away to make sure that you're the best person that you can be. If that isn't required, THEN JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME!!! SAY HI, CHECK ON MY FUCKING RIB, I TOLD YOU I BROKE IT, REMEMBER?! OR DO YOU JUST NOT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE?! YOU WONT FUCKING RESPOND TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING AND THAT SHIT HURTS MAN!! YOU'RE CONSTANTLY DOING THIS SHIT TO ME!!

AND THEN YOU GOT THE NERVE TO LET SLIP FROM YOUR FUCKING HEAD THAT I DIDN'T FIGHT HARD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! THAT'S ALL I'VE BEEN FUCKING DOING SINCE THE MOMENT I FUCKING MET YOU!!! I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE HAD TO SWALLOW MY FUCKING PRIDE AND BEG YO ASS TO FUCKING BE WITH ME!! DEAD IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, BEGGING YOU, BUT YOU DON'T REMEMBER IT...YEA OK. WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T A GROWN ASS PROUD FUCKING MAN BEGGING JUST TO GET YOU TO BE WITH HIM ESPECIALLY IN REGARDS TO THE FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES YOU WERE GOING THROUGH AT THAT FUCKING TIME!!!

MAN I'm fucking wasting tears as I write this shit and I'm fucking tired of wasting tears on this shit and on her when it's been proven time and time again and over and fucking over and fucking over. You don't give a damn about me. You don't love me. Never did. I was nothing but a fuck to you. Normally, I couldn't get mad at that because that's what fuck niggas do to women anyway, but that's where the problem lies. I was NEVER and WILL NEVER BE a fuck nigga, and I put you on a pedestal and treated and made you feel like a queen. Spoke worth into you and never once took you for granted and ALWAYS wanted the best for you. I still fucking do. I just now realize, you don't give a damn about me and that's the shit that hurts the worst....

The Road to the Night

October 30. It's the day before Halloween. Everywhere all over the country and this side of the planet, kids and adults are making their last minute preparations for All Hallows Eve. Getting their costumes together. Making plans to go trick or treating, preparing the routes for the houses to hit. Everyone is absolutely excited to be something different for one day. In Detroit, the night of October 30 had a different and deadlier meaning. Devil's Night. Devil's Night has a infamous meaning in the inner city of Detroit by being a night that's filled with absolute anarchy, destruction, arson, and vandalism. It's declined drastically since the turbulent days of the 80s and 90s, but there are still those that still long for the chaos and the calamity that the 80s and 90s brought.

I gave that backdrop to start it this way. My late cousin and my first sensei, Vashawn, is originally from Detroit. He survived the rough times of Devil's Night, especially a particularly brutal one in 1994. But he was also a part of some of the destruction and chaos of those times also, so it was kind of funny that he would introduce me to a little of that world and me being my wide eyed, easily influenced self, I was hooked. It was almost like the anarchy of the night was calling out to me, just hoping that I would answer (foreshadowing lol).

I said all that to say this. Devil's Night has had 2 COMPLETELY different meanings to me. The first was just me going out and causing all sorts of destruction and chaos with my friends. Blowing up shit, being absolutely crazy, and just having fun with my friends (DISCLAIMER: I only blew up junk cars, I didn't go all out and try to fuck up people's homes and cars that they were still using). The second turned into something that became something of a hunter's mission. After Vashawn was murdered back in 2001, I honestly didn't know how the hell I would carry the hell on. I was already distraught as fuck, extremely sad, absolutely filled with rage, and deadass wanted fucking revenge. I honestly think that fate had something to do with what happened next because as I was dealing with that and wondering what I was gonna do with the rest of my life, I started going through some of his stuff, just remembering all the things he did in them, and that's when I came across the very thing that changed my life moving forward and gave my anger meaning and a medium. I came across a VHS tape of his (old as dust, I know) called The Crow. I was curious and decided to watch it and I put the tape in. INSTANTLY, I related to it. Situations may have been different, but the overall point was the same. Someone that I loved was murdered and a part of me died with that (the movie didn't really hit home for me truly until 2003 when Sonya was murdered.). The movie made so much sense to me and it gave me a great way to go and get revenge. To see his blood spilled. An eye for an eye. It became my mission, my purpose.

Fast forward 16 years, and here we are. On the verge of another Devil's Night. On the verge of another choice. Do I go out with my friends and just be a crazy ass that only damages things that have no value anymore? Or do I go out again this year hunting the new target that's threatened my life in the midst of all his bravado? There wasn't suppose to be a target this year until he decided to make himself known. This is my conundrum. I know what everyone feels like I should do. But this is different. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do this about this decision, but I do know that it needs to be made before the Night is upon me. I do know for sure, whatever I do choose, this year's Devil's Night is a crossroads in my life and this year, it will be very telling for my life moving forward.