I don't know if I can call it a coincidence that today is December 31st, 2011. It's the last day in the month of December and it's also the last day of 2011. We have finally reached the end of the year and the earth is about to make it's yearly revolution around the sun. It's around this time people make New Year's resolutions as to what they wanna change about themselves in the coming new year. So what's your New year resolution?
In my case, what I simply want is just an end to this year completely and to do what I possibly can to have a better year in 2012. This year has done more than take away everything that I held dear to me. I can say that 2011 was nothing short of the worse year of my life to date. Yeah, I can still say that I'm blessed because I still have my health, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back, but it isn't even about that. I've lost 3 people who meant the most to me and 1 that it seems like I will never return to. All I've heard since the month of May is be still. Be still. Be still. That's all God has told me to do. Be still. Be still. What happens when being still is nothing but torturing you? What happens when you truly have reached the end of your rope and now it's time to give up? What happens when you just cant be still any longer and it's as though God has completely forgotten you and left you where He put you to suffer for good? I know it goes against Him saying that He would never leave me or leave me where I am forever, but it honestly feels like He has and that I just need to give it all up now.
I hate giving up. It goes against my nature and it goes against my code, but honestly, I didn't put myself in this and because I didn't, I feel that I should. Why have You left me here, God? What have I done to You to make You leave me here? I've come closer to You. I'm paying back that which I owe unto You. I've given everything that I have, including myself, back to You. What else is it that I must do? Be still? Why? What other lessons must I learn? What else do I need to do? What else needs to happen? Why? I want Your Will. I want You to guide me, but I need to know why You pulled EVERYTHING from under me. Is it some sin that I've done against You and I haven't repented for? Is it something that I've done that I don't even remember? Why Yahweh? What reason must I continue to be still for? How does this tie to Your promise? My Master, I just want this to end. I want the new version of that which You brought together in August. I want the knowledge, experience, new aspects uncovered over this journey to happen. I want You to hold our hands as we walk with You, O Master.
I can be honest and say that I've faltered sometimes since this has been going on. I've not had all the faith in the world and it's diminished greatly at points. Sometimes, I've thought that the promise wasn't real. Or that I've mistaken it for something else. Or that I might have even made it up myself, but time and time and time again, You've shown that it's come down from You and that You will keep Your word. But what's going on, Master? What else needs to happen? I was told that at the end of the 6 months and during the 7th, things would start changing for the better and they have a bit, honestly. I know what 7 means in terms of You and I also know what 8 means also. I honestly do hope that 8 WILL signal the new beginning that I've been longing and hoping for and the promise truly fulfilled. I have truly reached my end and I don't know how much longer I can stand. I know You have asked of me not to be anxious or worry, but God, as I am human, that's MUCH easier said than done. I've have been doing it, and I think I've been doing a pretty good job. I know I can never be perfect, but You don't ask that of me. You ask me to try and that I have.
The end is near and I can say good riddance to it. While I've learned invaluable lessons and my person has been changed greatly and drastically, I can still feel the pain and the anguish of all that I've had to endure this year, and for what? A selfish person who refuses to admit his wrongdoings and stay in his blissful ignorance while he cant see that history is repeating itself and that dark and dangerous storm known as Quinn is on the horizon? Another selfish person who took my daughter and her mother, 2 people who gave me a reason to smile? Hard lessons and training? The horrible helpless feeling that I couldn't be there for my love after her accident? The anger, fear, sadness that I felt because for the 1st time, I was truly was helpless. Master, You've taken me through all of this and the 1 thing that all of these events have in common are that they all brought me back closer to You, which is what You've wanted in the first place.
I won't lie and say that I have enormous faith left because I don't. What I still do have though is the faith of a mustard seed, and even with that, I can still move mountains and watch You move on my behalf, to bring glory to the name of Yahweh, to show me Your awesomeness, and to also bring me closer to You. All the things of 2011 come to an end at midnight. Even though darkness is still all around me, I can see that sunrise on that horizon. The time has come to bring me that horizon and enter into Your glory. Praise Your Name, Yahweh...
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Rise of the Phoenix
The Phoenix. The legendary bird of rebirth. Everyone has heard of the phoenix and what it does. If you haven't, then something is seriously wrong with you and you need to get back into the world of learning, lol. But to break it down without going into all of the details, it is a beautiful, mythical bird with a 500-1000 year life span and at the end of it, it makes a nest out of twigs and violently ignites itself, engulfing both itself and the nest in flames. It's out of the ashes of the deceased bird that comes a new and young newborn phoenix that rises and starts its life over again. You are now up to speed on the myth that is the phoenix, lol. The point of mentioning the phoenix is for symbolic and analogical use. It's gonna be used for a certain aspect of my life and the fact that it will be reborn soon.
I had to take down my original post like this because it was about remembrance, like something died or is gone forever. But if there's 1 thing that I know and that's been told to me before, by the Revered 1 Himself, my King and Leader,Yahweh, a promise was made to me by Him and He's NEVER gone back on His Word, EVER! Heaven and earth have to fall before Yahweh can lie or go back on His word, so He's gonna keep His promise to me. December 24, 2010 was the greatest day of my life. Only the accepting of YHWH as my Adonai and Savior is the ONLY thing that tops that day. After that, to date, nothing else even comes close. While typing this, I just came to the realization that that day was just the tip of the iceberg. That was Yahweh setting me up for the REAL blessing that the union He created will have since He is at the center of them and guiding their paths.
2012 is on the horizon and the winds of destiny have been changing. I have a feeling that Yahweh's plan will be coming full circle very soon and that which He allowed to happen back in May will fall and end and His Plan revealed, His Glory received and given, His child avenged of the wrongdoings, and the wrong things put right. That which He blessed in Heaven, He will bring back together on earth. I believe it. I believe in it and I know that He will bring it to pass. They had to violently burn all of the old and get rid of all things that weren't them and didn't belong. The coming together of the Dragons is nigh and just like the phoenix of legend, they will be reborn, rise from their ashes, and ascend to fly through the skies with their Master at the center and guiding their path. Just like the resurrected Savior, they too will have the grace of Yahweh heal the all the pain and wrongs and revive their union into something that this world can look at and see how love is suppose to be, feel, look, and be carried out...to Yahweh be the Glory. Rise like the phoenix, dragons, and take flight with your Redeemer in the skies...
I had to take down my original post like this because it was about remembrance, like something died or is gone forever. But if there's 1 thing that I know and that's been told to me before, by the Revered 1 Himself, my King and Leader,Yahweh, a promise was made to me by Him and He's NEVER gone back on His Word, EVER! Heaven and earth have to fall before Yahweh can lie or go back on His word, so He's gonna keep His promise to me. December 24, 2010 was the greatest day of my life. Only the accepting of YHWH as my Adonai and Savior is the ONLY thing that tops that day. After that, to date, nothing else even comes close. While typing this, I just came to the realization that that day was just the tip of the iceberg. That was Yahweh setting me up for the REAL blessing that the union He created will have since He is at the center of them and guiding their paths.
Friday, December 23, 2011
The Dragon Chronicles Book 1 Ch. 2...The Measure of A Man
Man. God's most precious and cherished creation. According to the Bible, The Alpha & Omega took a day to craft the first man we know as Adam in His image. It only took a day for that creation to happen and it probably happened a lot sooner than that and God created tons more on that day. But it was that day, that day that Adam first breathed the breath of life. That 1 day to God equates to about roughly 200,000 years ago since Adam was first born. Since then, man has gone through a DRASTIC change. From what Adam was all those eons ago to man now marveling at it's own intelligence (sometimes it's limited) from the technological advancements that he has produced now in the 21st Century. Things have certainly changed, haven't they? I guess the point of this entry is not to discuss how man has changed down through the eons. I think it would have to be how man has changed in terms of thinking and conduct. I could mention how God has blessed man down through the millennia, but that is definitely not where I want to go (yes, God will still be a part of this 1 too, lol).
What do you think of when you think of a man? Are there certain qualities that you feel a man should have? Certain milestones that he should have crossed in order to become 1? Should he already have certain possessions that would then qualify him to have that title? Think about it for a minute...finished thinking? Good. Now what did you think about? Can you name any good males in your life based of YOUR definition of a man? I read an interesting study where 6 young males, aged 20-26, and mid-life males, aged 35-45, were asked what it means to be a man. It was definitely an interesting read to say the least, but the most SHOCKING part about all of it? Not ONE of them could define what being a man meant PERSONALLY to them. The young males threw out ideas like, getting drunk for the first time, having sex for the first time, being able to vote, going to school, getting a full time job, sexual maturation, and other things. The mid-life males mostly all said that becoming a father was the sense of manhood to them. Now, while this study was of Australian men, it's kinda alarming that NOT 1 of these men could personally recall something that made them a man, or their definition of it at lease. Fatherhood is DEFINITELY a good indicator of that sense of becoming a man, but as this society knows, ANYONE can become a daddy (or the term that's gathering strength, sperm donor lol), but it takes a male with a solid sense of responsibility and morals instilled in him to be a father. If you were to walk up to any male that you know, do you think that they would be able to give you an answer of what being a man is? Do they use societal standards? Or do they have their own sense of what a man SHOULD be, according to them?
Let's take a look at society's standards of becoming a man. According to American society, a "real man" is suppose to be a consumer and a conqueror. A man of today's society isn't consider as such unless he obtains a certain degree of success, acquired the minimum of money that can be considered worthy of being a man and let his greed mold him into a great man, dated and/or slept with a number of women, the number can also depend on who you're asking, and also acquired the minimum of worldly possessions as possible. Also included are the music of today that reinforce all of which was stated before, the media who also reinforce all of which are stated, and then you have movies, which again, reinforce all of which was just stated. In this society, if you don't have any of those things or done any of those things, you aren't a man and are still left in the boyhood category. The funny, but mostly ironic thing about this is, most of these "men" who have these things and have achieved this level of manhood act like the BIGGEST KIDS on the planet. Everybody ages biologically, but does everyone grow up? Sometimes it's hard to tell. When do you let go of childish things that are so elementary and high school? Some say when you come out of those times. Others say when you become 18, 21, or even 25. But the heartbreaking fact of it all is, there are those 26, 27, 30, and sad to say 40+ males running around with the sense and feeling that they are still in the wet behind the ears, still have a lot to learn teenage years.
Being a man is a LOT more than the things that you can get, have, and go through. It's more than just working to obtain all of these things. And it's even more than having all of them. Being a man is something MORE than just the physical and material. Being a man is learning to accept responsibility that are both asked of you and required of you. It's about knowing that everything ISN'T just about you. Protecting and providing for those that you hold near and dear to you. Being selfless, standing up for what's right, and something important to me, knowing that women are a part, help sake, and equal to a man, rather than someone you can take advantage of, have sex with when your hormones deem so, or treating them like there are just another thing you can get tired of and replace when you get bored. It's about respecting others, even though you may not like them. Doing things that you just shouldn't do by a certain age. It's in these times that the mentor is GREATLY missed. Mentors were always there to straighten their protege. To be an aide on the journey the student was on. To help the student be mindful of the mistakes the mentor made in that same situation and to help them not make those same mistakes. That aspect of life is either totally gone or replaced with something that's either completely false and fabricated that it brainwashes and convinces males of today that this is real life.
The craziest thing about this is that when you do come at a male about things like this, they take it as you're attacking their "manhood." But then the question arises, "How can you attack something that you have no clue about?" "How can you attack something that you don't know how to live?" While yes, there are some things that do give off that sense of becoming a man, the path of manhood is 1 that begins when you come out of the womb. It's a never ending path, sure, but how long does it take before you realize that there are things bigger than you? There are people who should come before you. There are senses of morality that should just be a part of your life. You can make every excuse in the world for why males act the way they do. Hell, males can make all the excuses in the world for why they act the way they do, but the 1 thing that has been missing from MOST males' morality and pretty much vocabulary also, accountability. When is the point that we must stand on our own 2 and take responsibility for the things we have caused, people we have wronged, and those we have hurt beyond belief. When is the point where we try to put the wrong things right? Part of being a man is facing this and striving to do right, regardless of the consequences or the personal loss we could possibly face.
Does becoming a man also mean the loss of the conscience? Does becoming a man mean that moral choices are completely out of the door now and the only 1s that matter are the choices that we make to please only ourselves? I know I'm probably raising more questions than answers, but these are questions that need to be asked. Personally, I honestly know that my path on the journey that is manhood will never be over until I meet my Creator, but I can say that I know there have been things in my life that's happened to me and that's forced and helped me choose the things of trying to become a better man. Protecting those that I love and that I'm loyal to, putting other's needs and wants before mine, caring for my daughter when she was here (Rest.In.Love. Jessyca), ALWAYS keeping my word whenever I gave it, and ALWAYS striving to keep my integrity when there were times I shouldn't have and justified times when I didn't have to, but still CHOSE to do so anyway. Anybody can back up all that I have said, especially 1 (ain't that right, baby? lol). But not to sound arrogant or that I'm the shining example of a man. I DO have my downfalls, selfish times, my anger can get out of control at times, and there are even times that I want to go back to the world of cannabis and alcohol, but I choose not to because of the fact that I AM a changed man. God has picked me up from what I used to be and how my ways were and set me on a path that He deems me worthy of walking in His eyes.
I don't need to hide behind smoking, drinking, success, material possessions, money, or even my girl. I was a man before I ever encountered any of those things. I can say this because I had the right mentors at the times that God allowed them in my life to help with various parts of my life and even God Himself has stepped in and been my personal Mentor for things that only He could have taught me because I had to get it right on the first try. I can sit here and say that my life was a living hell. I can say that my father did some dirty things in terms of raising me. I can say that I've had to experience tremendous loss in my life at a time where I should have been a normal teenager and just beginning to experience life. I had to live it in a totally different perspective and learn the extreme dark side. But because of all of that, I'm not gonna make excuses for it. All I had to do was make a choice. I was either gonna let all that has happened to me define who I am. Or I was gonna rise above it and still choose to be a man, and a good 1 at that, in spite of all that I've been through. I'm not a man because of my circumstances and the things I've experienced. I can stand on my own 2 and call myself a man through my circumstances, choosing to do what was right and take on my responsibilities. It's because of God and the mentors that He gave me that I am who I am today, a man that's still growing and still learning how to do this thing called life. You can use all the distractions that you want to, but the sobering fact is, life will still be here when you get back and you still will have to handle and deal with it.
The fact of the matter is we have a lot of males running around on this planet, but very few men. From here on out, there is no need for another male to call out another male's "manhood." There's only 1 that a male should call out and he's the 1 that you see everyday when you look in the mirror. I can say that I'm a man and I don't need to falter in my definition of it either. Can you say the same thing?
What do you think of when you think of a man? Are there certain qualities that you feel a man should have? Certain milestones that he should have crossed in order to become 1? Should he already have certain possessions that would then qualify him to have that title? Think about it for a minute...finished thinking? Good. Now what did you think about? Can you name any good males in your life based of YOUR definition of a man? I read an interesting study where 6 young males, aged 20-26, and mid-life males, aged 35-45, were asked what it means to be a man. It was definitely an interesting read to say the least, but the most SHOCKING part about all of it? Not ONE of them could define what being a man meant PERSONALLY to them. The young males threw out ideas like, getting drunk for the first time, having sex for the first time, being able to vote, going to school, getting a full time job, sexual maturation, and other things. The mid-life males mostly all said that becoming a father was the sense of manhood to them. Now, while this study was of Australian men, it's kinda alarming that NOT 1 of these men could personally recall something that made them a man, or their definition of it at lease. Fatherhood is DEFINITELY a good indicator of that sense of becoming a man, but as this society knows, ANYONE can become a daddy (or the term that's gathering strength, sperm donor lol), but it takes a male with a solid sense of responsibility and morals instilled in him to be a father. If you were to walk up to any male that you know, do you think that they would be able to give you an answer of what being a man is? Do they use societal standards? Or do they have their own sense of what a man SHOULD be, according to them?
Let's take a look at society's standards of becoming a man. According to American society, a "real man" is suppose to be a consumer and a conqueror. A man of today's society isn't consider as such unless he obtains a certain degree of success, acquired the minimum of money that can be considered worthy of being a man and let his greed mold him into a great man, dated and/or slept with a number of women, the number can also depend on who you're asking, and also acquired the minimum of worldly possessions as possible. Also included are the music of today that reinforce all of which was stated before, the media who also reinforce all of which are stated, and then you have movies, which again, reinforce all of which was just stated. In this society, if you don't have any of those things or done any of those things, you aren't a man and are still left in the boyhood category. The funny, but mostly ironic thing about this is, most of these "men" who have these things and have achieved this level of manhood act like the BIGGEST KIDS on the planet. Everybody ages biologically, but does everyone grow up? Sometimes it's hard to tell. When do you let go of childish things that are so elementary and high school? Some say when you come out of those times. Others say when you become 18, 21, or even 25. But the heartbreaking fact of it all is, there are those 26, 27, 30, and sad to say 40+ males running around with the sense and feeling that they are still in the wet behind the ears, still have a lot to learn teenage years.
Being a man is a LOT more than the things that you can get, have, and go through. It's more than just working to obtain all of these things. And it's even more than having all of them. Being a man is something MORE than just the physical and material. Being a man is learning to accept responsibility that are both asked of you and required of you. It's about knowing that everything ISN'T just about you. Protecting and providing for those that you hold near and dear to you. Being selfless, standing up for what's right, and something important to me, knowing that women are a part, help sake, and equal to a man, rather than someone you can take advantage of, have sex with when your hormones deem so, or treating them like there are just another thing you can get tired of and replace when you get bored. It's about respecting others, even though you may not like them. Doing things that you just shouldn't do by a certain age. It's in these times that the mentor is GREATLY missed. Mentors were always there to straighten their protege. To be an aide on the journey the student was on. To help the student be mindful of the mistakes the mentor made in that same situation and to help them not make those same mistakes. That aspect of life is either totally gone or replaced with something that's either completely false and fabricated that it brainwashes and convinces males of today that this is real life.
The craziest thing about this is that when you do come at a male about things like this, they take it as you're attacking their "manhood." But then the question arises, "How can you attack something that you have no clue about?" "How can you attack something that you don't know how to live?" While yes, there are some things that do give off that sense of becoming a man, the path of manhood is 1 that begins when you come out of the womb. It's a never ending path, sure, but how long does it take before you realize that there are things bigger than you? There are people who should come before you. There are senses of morality that should just be a part of your life. You can make every excuse in the world for why males act the way they do. Hell, males can make all the excuses in the world for why they act the way they do, but the 1 thing that has been missing from MOST males' morality and pretty much vocabulary also, accountability. When is the point that we must stand on our own 2 and take responsibility for the things we have caused, people we have wronged, and those we have hurt beyond belief. When is the point where we try to put the wrong things right? Part of being a man is facing this and striving to do right, regardless of the consequences or the personal loss we could possibly face.
Does becoming a man also mean the loss of the conscience? Does becoming a man mean that moral choices are completely out of the door now and the only 1s that matter are the choices that we make to please only ourselves? I know I'm probably raising more questions than answers, but these are questions that need to be asked. Personally, I honestly know that my path on the journey that is manhood will never be over until I meet my Creator, but I can say that I know there have been things in my life that's happened to me and that's forced and helped me choose the things of trying to become a better man. Protecting those that I love and that I'm loyal to, putting other's needs and wants before mine, caring for my daughter when she was here (Rest.In.Love. Jessyca), ALWAYS keeping my word whenever I gave it, and ALWAYS striving to keep my integrity when there were times I shouldn't have and justified times when I didn't have to, but still CHOSE to do so anyway. Anybody can back up all that I have said, especially 1 (ain't that right, baby? lol). But not to sound arrogant or that I'm the shining example of a man. I DO have my downfalls, selfish times, my anger can get out of control at times, and there are even times that I want to go back to the world of cannabis and alcohol, but I choose not to because of the fact that I AM a changed man. God has picked me up from what I used to be and how my ways were and set me on a path that He deems me worthy of walking in His eyes.
I don't need to hide behind smoking, drinking, success, material possessions, money, or even my girl. I was a man before I ever encountered any of those things. I can say this because I had the right mentors at the times that God allowed them in my life to help with various parts of my life and even God Himself has stepped in and been my personal Mentor for things that only He could have taught me because I had to get it right on the first try. I can sit here and say that my life was a living hell. I can say that my father did some dirty things in terms of raising me. I can say that I've had to experience tremendous loss in my life at a time where I should have been a normal teenager and just beginning to experience life. I had to live it in a totally different perspective and learn the extreme dark side. But because of all of that, I'm not gonna make excuses for it. All I had to do was make a choice. I was either gonna let all that has happened to me define who I am. Or I was gonna rise above it and still choose to be a man, and a good 1 at that, in spite of all that I've been through. I'm not a man because of my circumstances and the things I've experienced. I can stand on my own 2 and call myself a man through my circumstances, choosing to do what was right and take on my responsibilities. It's because of God and the mentors that He gave me that I am who I am today, a man that's still growing and still learning how to do this thing called life. You can use all the distractions that you want to, but the sobering fact is, life will still be here when you get back and you still will have to handle and deal with it.
The fact of the matter is we have a lot of males running around on this planet, but very few men. From here on out, there is no need for another male to call out another male's "manhood." There's only 1 that a male should call out and he's the 1 that you see everyday when you look in the mirror. I can say that I'm a man and I don't need to falter in my definition of it either. Can you say the same thing?
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Dragon Chronicles Book 1, Ch.1...The Way of the Warrior
Warrior. It's a word that is associated with people in war. A word that most people are given when defending their country or anything in relation to battle. People, (usually in the media), have gone on to use the word in the realms of boxing, American football, basketball, and even futbol, (soccer for those that are slow like that lol). What do you commonly think of when you think of the word, warrior? I guess I should start this off by what the warrior stands for in this day and age. The dictionary defines the word warrior as such:
warrior - n. 1. a person engaged in warfare; soldier
2. a person who has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics
Now in terms of the first definition, I can actually agree with that 1. I can even to a certain degree agree with part about athletics. Then again, I can't. I cant call someone a warrior that's fighting for people's amusement. That isn't what the warrior spirit is about. A warrior fights to defend his country, his family, and those who he has given his loyalty to. No warrior fights for amusement. For the crowd's approval and their cheers and there DAMN SURE isn't a such thing as a warrior in politics. HA! That's a joke. Politics are so shady now, even those who have tight knit alliances with each other are being betrayed left and right and ALL for the greed of money. The way of the warrior isn't just related to battle. It's related to life outside of defending that which you hold dear. The medieval knights knew this. The legendary samurai knew this. Even the honorable military, (GO TROOPS...HOOAH, Semper Fi...and whatever the Navy and Air Force say lol) knows this. The warrior's way isn't just for the battleground. It's something that needs to be upheld in every aspect of life.
After almost losing my mind last night, I needed to be reminded of why the warrior's spirit was instilled in me. God always has a way of bringing me back to where I need to be, whether I want to willingly go or not (if you thought God wasn't gonna be a part of this, kick rocks. I am the leader I am because of the 1 who leads me). He always has a way of igniting things in me that I thought were dead or dying. The warrior is not just a defense of those that he cares about. The warrior is also 1 that realizes there's always a reason why you should stand up for something that's right, even when everyone is against you and throwing everything they can in your way to stop you. I know this ALL too well and firsthand since it's happening to me now. After last night's never ending battle in the war between my heart and my mind, I was about to walk away from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE because I didn't wanna do this anymore. I honestly just couldn't take the pain, the thoughts, the EVERYTHING HAPPENING TO ME AND IT WAS S**T THAT I DIDN'T DESERVE!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (OK just had to get that out lol) But in all seriousness, I almost did lose it and almost lost myself within all of my sadness, sorrow, and anger. But if there's 1 thing God has had a habit of doing to me over these last 7 months, it's bringing me back to the point of where I need to be before I fall too far down.
My Leader always has a way of teaching me new things through the things that I already know, but need to re-learn in a different perspective. Satan is using nothing but fear and sorrow in my life and torturing me with thoughts of you and him in the past and now, Charlize. But honestly, he's only going at my heart and I know it. But the craziest part of it all is that he's never once attacked my warrior's spirit. If I had to guess, I think he realizes it's the 1 thing that he cant break because it was the Lord who put it there and it's unbreakable. It's what God told me that makes this that much more important to me and it's something that I've forgotten because I've haven't had to do it in a while. I realize that He has me here because of something that is greater than me or what I want. That is a DIRECT point in the code that I live by now. This is much greater than me and plus, if anything, He made me a promise in the form of you, baby, before I met you 2 1/2 hours later, so why this eats at me the way it does? If I had to say, it's just that I'm very protective of you and I just wanna hold, and kiss, and love you, and blah blah blah all the romantic stuff that I love doing for you, lol, but that's another time and blog entry (which will be coming soon :D)
Speaking of romance, it brings me to the code that I should have been living by for the longest, 1 that God himself brought me to. The Code of Chivalry. Usually, people think of some long forgotten code on how to treat women that men have forgotten because they're stupid, selfish, only out for 1 thing idiots who cant see the value in a good woman until she's gone. While in certain respects that was acceptable, that really isn't what the code of chivalry is about. I now realize that God has been wanting me to live this in my daily life while ALSO keeping Him first and getting closer to Him. Even though I fall short of all of these sometimes, (sadly, I do bleed and I am human flesh), anybody who knows me can say that I do keep all these things close to me and that I do strive to keep my integrity. The Code of Chivalry states that a warrior (or knight) should strive to achieve:
warrior - n. 1. a person engaged in warfare; soldier
2. a person who has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics
Now in terms of the first definition, I can actually agree with that 1. I can even to a certain degree agree with part about athletics. Then again, I can't. I cant call someone a warrior that's fighting for people's amusement. That isn't what the warrior spirit is about. A warrior fights to defend his country, his family, and those who he has given his loyalty to. No warrior fights for amusement. For the crowd's approval and their cheers and there DAMN SURE isn't a such thing as a warrior in politics. HA! That's a joke. Politics are so shady now, even those who have tight knit alliances with each other are being betrayed left and right and ALL for the greed of money. The way of the warrior isn't just related to battle. It's related to life outside of defending that which you hold dear. The medieval knights knew this. The legendary samurai knew this. Even the honorable military, (GO TROOPS...HOOAH, Semper Fi...and whatever the Navy and Air Force say lol) knows this. The warrior's way isn't just for the battleground. It's something that needs to be upheld in every aspect of life.
After almost losing my mind last night, I needed to be reminded of why the warrior's spirit was instilled in me. God always has a way of bringing me back to where I need to be, whether I want to willingly go or not (if you thought God wasn't gonna be a part of this, kick rocks. I am the leader I am because of the 1 who leads me). He always has a way of igniting things in me that I thought were dead or dying. The warrior is not just a defense of those that he cares about. The warrior is also 1 that realizes there's always a reason why you should stand up for something that's right, even when everyone is against you and throwing everything they can in your way to stop you. I know this ALL too well and firsthand since it's happening to me now. After last night's never ending battle in the war between my heart and my mind, I was about to walk away from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE because I didn't wanna do this anymore. I honestly just couldn't take the pain, the thoughts, the EVERYTHING HAPPENING TO ME AND IT WAS S**T THAT I DIDN'T DESERVE!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (OK just had to get that out lol) But in all seriousness, I almost did lose it and almost lost myself within all of my sadness, sorrow, and anger. But if there's 1 thing God has had a habit of doing to me over these last 7 months, it's bringing me back to the point of where I need to be before I fall too far down.
My Leader always has a way of teaching me new things through the things that I already know, but need to re-learn in a different perspective. Satan is using nothing but fear and sorrow in my life and torturing me with thoughts of you and him in the past and now, Charlize. But honestly, he's only going at my heart and I know it. But the craziest part of it all is that he's never once attacked my warrior's spirit. If I had to guess, I think he realizes it's the 1 thing that he cant break because it was the Lord who put it there and it's unbreakable. It's what God told me that makes this that much more important to me and it's something that I've forgotten because I've haven't had to do it in a while. I realize that He has me here because of something that is greater than me or what I want. That is a DIRECT point in the code that I live by now. This is much greater than me and plus, if anything, He made me a promise in the form of you, baby, before I met you 2 1/2 hours later, so why this eats at me the way it does? If I had to say, it's just that I'm very protective of you and I just wanna hold, and kiss, and love you, and blah blah blah all the romantic stuff that I love doing for you, lol, but that's another time and blog entry (which will be coming soon :D)
Speaking of romance, it brings me to the code that I should have been living by for the longest, 1 that God himself brought me to. The Code of Chivalry. Usually, people think of some long forgotten code on how to treat women that men have forgotten because they're stupid, selfish, only out for 1 thing idiots who cant see the value in a good woman until she's gone. While in certain respects that was acceptable, that really isn't what the code of chivalry is about. I now realize that God has been wanting me to live this in my daily life while ALSO keeping Him first and getting closer to Him. Even though I fall short of all of these sometimes, (sadly, I do bleed and I am human flesh), anybody who knows me can say that I do keep all these things close to me and that I do strive to keep my integrity. The Code of Chivalry states that a warrior (or knight) should strive to achieve:
- Prowess: seeking excellence in all endeavors expected of a knight, martial and otherwise, seeking strength to be used in the service of justice, rather than in personal aggrandizement.
- Justice : seeking always the path of 'right', unencumbered by bias or personal interest. Recognize that the sword of justice can be a terrible thing, so it must be tempered by humanity and mercy. If the 'right' you see rings agrees with others, and you seek it out without bending to the temptation for expediency, then you will earn renown beyond measure.
- Loyalty: Being known for unwavering commitment to the people and ideals you choose to live by. There are many places where compromise is expected; loyalty is not amongst them.
- Defense: Seeking always to defend your nation, your family, and those to whom you believe worthy of loyalty. The ideal knight was sworn by oath to defend his liege, lord, and those who depended upon him.
- Courage: Being prepared to make personal sacrifices in service of the precepts and people you value. At the same time, a knight should seek wisdom to see that stupidity and courage are cousins. Courage also means taking the side of truth in all matters, rather than seeking the expedient lie. Seek the truth whenever possible, but remember to temper justice with mercy, or the pure truth can bring grief. Being a knight often means choosing the more difficult path, the personally expensive one.
- FAITH: A knight must have faith in his beliefs, for faith roots him and gives hope against the despair that human failings create.
- Humility: Valuing first the contributions of others; do not boast of your own accomplishments, let others do this for you. Tell the deeds of others before your own, according them the renown rightfully earned through virtuous deeds. In this way the office of knighthood is well done and glorified, helping not only the gentle spoken of but also all who call themselves knights.
- Largess: Being generous in so far as your resources allow; largess used in this way counters gluttony. It also makes the path of mercy easier to discern when a difficult decision of justice is required
- Nobility: Seeking great stature of character by holding to the virtues and duties of a knight, realizing that though the ideals cannot be reached, the quality of striving towards them ennobles the spirit, growing the character from dust towards the heavens. Nobility also has the tendency to influence others, offering a compelling example of what can be done in the service of rightness.
- Franchise: Seeking to emulate everything I have spoken of as sincerely as possible, not for the reason of personal gain but because it is right. Do not restrict your exploration to a small world, but seek to infuse every aspect of your life with these qualities. Should you succeed in even a tiny measure then you will be well remembered for your quality and virtue.
God definitely brought me to this because these things needed to be restrengthened in my life, especially in regards to faith. I've been fighting my impulsive nature to go out and do things myself on the basis of my Teacher telling me to be still and I can say that it isn't or hasn't been the easiest thing in the world to do. But because My Leader is still teaching me all that I need in terms of what I will need for the next part of my life and my family, I'm still continuing in my spiritual training. God's boot camp is DEFINITELY not for the faint of heart, I can attest to that. You will face things about yourself that you never knew. Things that you've long forgotten and encounter the most terrifying and frightening things of your past and future that you thought you could never conquer or have yet to, but I'm here to say that all of the training that He puts you through and gives you is WELL worth it all.
The payoff that comes from it is so empowering and so serene that you will be able to take on ANYTHING until God brings you back to training camp for the next big thing to face. I'm glad that I have the best Trainer, Drill Sergeant, Master warrior, whatever you choose to see the Lord as. He is definitely the best teacher I've ever had, the best Leader this world has ever seen and will ever know, and by far the best Master that I've ever known. With God on my side, my training will never be complete, but I will be able to add even more knowledge and skill to myself, while still walking with Him and learning how to be a GREAT man of Him, molded after His heart as He walks with me down the warrior's path...
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I Can Never Go Back...But I Can Never Back Down
http://youtu.be/a1HtJ9xZ9pE
I want to go back...back to before this all began...back before I was inadvertently throw into something that wasn't my choosing, something that isn't what I wanted, something that was forced upon me. Over the course of time, the only questions I had were, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why was this brought upon me? I didn't do anything wrong, so why am I suffering and they are thriving? Not just thriving, FLOURISHING!! What did I do to anger you, God? The only answers that I received were, " be still" It was over the course of the same time that I realized, good things happen to bad people. Not because they did some secret thing or that they deep down had some bad lying there. Simply because, with the good that is received, bad times must also follow. It's all a part of the master plan for this.
To be honest, there have been times I've really wanted to say screw this plan because this was brought upon me for no reason for nothing that I was at fault for. But the 1 thing that I've learned over the course of this time; not my will, but THY will be done. You obviously have a reason and a purpose behind this and I have the promise that You made me back in August of 2010 and I honestly hope that it really was a promise from You that I saw in the 3rd grade all those years ago. That promise is 1 that I hope You bring to me, but I do know that the promise of last year, You will give to me, because You gave me a scripture from Your Book of Truth to back that up (Hosea 6:1). You also led me to Romans 12:19, which is also another thing of You telling me to be still.
All in all, I'm more beaten, bruised, bloody, and broken in this walk than I ever was physically in a 8 year beef with 1 of the greatest adversaries that I've ever known in my life. This has taken more out of me than anything that I've ever known in my life to date. But even in the midst of everything that's been thrown in my path. In spite of everything that they have thrown at me. Regardless of all that's been spoken, yelled, and cursed in my name, I still keep pushing, I still keep walking, I still keep hoping, praying, waiting...KNOWING that I'm that much closer than I've ever been. That much closer to the end. I've already started the walk down the last mile of this and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the tape of the finish line. The only thing I cant do is back down, give up, or surrender my will. On this planet, my knee falls to NO MAN...physically or mentally.
I am a leader because I know how to follow when I need to and lead when called upon. I am a warrior because I first had to be a student to train with my teacher and get help molding myself. I am a man because I had to learn from those great and not so great male figures in my life to teach me what to do in certain situations and learn from my greatest teacher, my Heavenly Father, on how to truly understand what being a man really means and the life lessons He took me through to train me up (God really did train up His child on the way I should go, lol). Lastly, I AM a king because I first come through the lineage of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords and through Him, I learned what it takes to truly have compassion and love for, while yet being a stern and sincerely honest person through those He put in my charge. Simply, for these reasons I cant go back because I've come so far in my life to turn around. The song truly speaks about this situation but it also speaks about you, my love. Honestly though, it sums up everything that I've been through and that I MUST keep pushing and that I will get to where God needs and wants me to be, both in Him and while I'm still breathing.
The Great King and the Almighty Creator has brought me such a long way on the last leg of the journey, as much as I want to, I know that I can never go back, but with everything that is in front of me, all those counting on me, and the 1 that is in her predicament and wants to come home, I know that my God, my will, and my determination also will never let me back down...
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