The Day of Black Moon

Today, I will be remembering a day that drastically changed my life. I'm not entirely sure that I've written about this before, but just in case I haven't, I will because it ties into the other things I wanted to get out in this entry also. September 26, 2003 is a day that will always stick with me the most because it's the day that I watched the first great love of my life get shot 5 times in front of me and 6 hours later, die in front of me. Sonya Marie Washington was truly one of a kind. The most hilarious, goofiest girl you've ever encountered. The one always wanting to dance and twerk to whatever song she figured she could, she even tried to to Mozart one time. THAT was funny as fuck. She was competitive as fuck, kinda expected since she ran track. She was a DAMN GOOD athlete and fast as fuck (we gave her the nickname Sonic). She had the most beautiful, most selfless heart. It didn't matter to her, if she had it and was able to help, she did it and gave it (a trait that I'm thankful rubbed off on me). All of this isn't even a credit to how absolutely BEAUTIFUL she was. Like drop dead stunning. I'm absolutely convinced that woman was created from the DNA of the most beautiful women that ever lived. I explained all that to set up how completely devastating it was watching all of what unfolded before my eyes and the end result of it.

I'm pretty sure anyone that reads this can attest to the emotional heartbreak of losing a loved one, but I'm not sure how many can attest to the breaking of your heart and soul to watch them die in front of you. Watching something like that and not being able to do a single thing about it is a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy ever, and anyone who knows me knows I've wished a lot of things on that dude. But I wouldn't have wished that on him, even though he was the one that caused this. I would have never known that on September 26, 2003, my life would have taken the dark turn that it did. For those that don't know, Sonya was gunned down 5 times in the chest on that day, right in front of me as we were walking back to her house. I didn't know what the long reaching impact of that day would bring until a couple of years later, but I do know that the immediate impact of it was something that absolutely kept sticking a knife through my heart as the seconds, minutes, and hours kept slowly dragging.

I can barely remember the day at all. The only thing I do remember about the day is our journey to the Lakefront. Had I known that would be the last time that I would see her there and us enjoying our spot, I would have definitely made it a lot more romantic and a lot more memorable than it was. After the walk across the Path of Fate (that's something for another entry), we got to the train station and boarded for the trip home. After getting off on our stop and walking home, all we did was just share laughs and hugs and talk about what we were gonna do for Saturday (The Day of Black Moon took place on a Friday night). As we were walking down the block to her house, a black Pontiac Grand Prix pulled up on the side of us and let off 9 shots. Nothing but instinct and adrenaline kicked in as I tried to jump in front of the bullets to protect her. I got skinned by one of them. The car reversed back toward us and started firing off again. I felt like I was stuck in a fucking tar pit or quicksand because I couldn't get back up in time to try and shield her again. I was helpless as I watched her take those 5 bullets in her chest. I saw the car back up towards me and the assailant in it smile hard at me. I heard that son of a bitch yell from the car, "NOW WE'RE EVEN BITCH!!" I instantly knew who the fuck it was and wanted nothing more than to kill him right then and there, regardless of the fact that I knew I couldn't catch a speeding car and that I needed to tend to Sonya and keep her breathing and alert enough to get her to the hospital.  From that moment on, it felt like life moved EXTREMELY slowly. Seconds felt like hours, minutes felt like weeks, hours felt like years. I remember me panicking and losing my absolute damn mind. I saw her brother, Eric, walking up and as soon as he recognized it was us, he sped his way to us. I'm usually calm in hectic situations. It's how my sensei taught me. It's all I knew. But I never expected to encounter that. I never expected to be holding my bloody girlfriend in my arms. I yelled at E to get an ambulance and let their family know what was going on. I tried whatever I could to just keep her talking to me and breathing. Talking about the goofiest shit that I could think of, thinking about gay hot dogs, what the fuck was the meaning of that damn heart ring from Captain Planet (that was an actual question that I had and that me and her have discussed at length before), just anything that I could to keep her talking to me until the ambulance arrived. Luckily, we didn't have to wait that damn long for it to arrive.

That night was EASILY and FARAWAY the longest night of my life, bar NONE. I had to sit there and watch helpless as she fought for her life. Those grueling 6 hours were the longest, most trying, most angering, and most saddening I've ever experienced and I had just saw my cousin murdered in front of me 2 years prior. The only time that I left her side was when she wanted to talk to her family for a minute. I didn't know it at that time, but she was preparing to say her goodbyes to us. I'll never forget just listening to her mother cry in that room and just saying how she didn't want her baby to go. That was absolutely world shattering. She asked me to come into the room and I was trying my absolute damnest not to cry and to just tell her that things will be OK. To this very second, I've never forgotten every single word of the last conversation I've ever had with her.

Sonya: "Hey, my love!"

Me: "Hiya back, babe"

S: "How you holding up?"

M: "I'm fine, I know you're gonna get better and get out of here soon."

S: "Liar." (she smiled)

M: "I'm serious, I know that you're getting through this. I know how strong you are." (tears at in my eyes)

S: "There's something I need to say to you."

M: "NO! I don't wanna hear it! Tell me when you walk out of here because you're gonna pull through this!"

S: "I know, I know I am, but I still just want to tell you this because it's something that you need to know and I wouldn't feel right if I couldn't tell you right now."

M: "OK. Go ahead and say what you have to. I'm listening."

S: "OK. You need to know how much I love you. I have since for as long as I can remember. Ever since we were kids, I would always ask my mom if she could take me over your house to play or if you could come over here. I would constantly be bugging her to see you. When we moved to Jacksonville, it broke me that I thought that I would never see you again. It depressed me for a while to know that I couldn't be around you anymore. Everything just felt out of place without you being there. My dad told us that we were moving back home only to not find you. I remember talking to Ms. George about where you were and she told me that you had moved to Chicago, that shattered my heart like crazy. Then when my dad gave me the greatest news that his job was moving us to Chicago and how hard and how loud I screamed with joy. Then I saw you again for the first time in years, I thought my heart was gonna explode out of my chest! You don't remember the time we first saw each other again and I quickly ran and jumped all over you to hug you?"

M: "Yea I remember you doing that."

S: "You don't know the happiness I had seeing you again. That was the moment that I truly realized that you were my soul mate and that I couldn't be without you, no matter what. All of the good and bad moments that I've had in my life, you were either there or I was wishing that you were. Every single time that I look in your eyes, I see your best self, no matter if you can see it or not. I see the man that you aspire to be. I see my husband in your eyes. I see the love that you have for me. I see how beautiful your heart is and how much of a selfless person you are. I need you to keep being that person. Never let your heart turn cold. Don't let how I am right now hardened you to the point that you don't let anyone else in again. Baby, I love you so much. You mean the absolute world to me and I want the absolute best for you, whether I'm here or not.

M: "SONYA STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!! YOU'RE GONNA PULL THROUGH THIS! I KNOW YOU WILL! JUST KEEP FIGHTING BABY! KEEP FIGHTING!" (absolute bawling at this point)

S: (crying herself) "Come here (grabs my hand and interlocks hers in mine). This is our bond. This is us and has always been us. Since the moment we were introduced by our families until this very moment right now. This is us, now, always, and forever. Nothing and nobody can break our bond, Lincoln. It's always been us against everything and it always will be. I love you so much and I promise you, nothing will ever take you away from me. (gives me the last hug that we will ever share). I love you baby and I always will. Now and forever."

M: " I love you too, baby" (crying my ass off)

As I let go of her and just watched her peacefully drift off to sleep, the heart monitor started to flat line, I IMMEDIATELY lost my shit and started yelling out for each and every doctor that I could find. They flooded her room instantly, trying to resuscitate her and bring her back to life. They fought hard for what was an eternity, but in real time, was only 17 minutes. They stopped while the flat line sound continued to keep going. We all heard them call her time of death, 1:04 AM on September 26, 2003. A lot changed for me that night. The world got a lot darker without one of the biggest lights that made it light up in a way that everyone noticed whenever she interacted with someone. Her death was the catalyst of a terribly long war that shouldn't have ever happened. Her death caused so much pain, anger, sadness, destruction, and bloodshed, so much of it that didn't need to happen. Shawn's and Sonya's death were completely unnecessary and, regrettably, sparked the impetus of something that shouldn't have been an issue; all over and because of a woman. (Rest peacefully Monica) Sonya Marie Washington, your presence in this world is sorely missed. Your light is incredibly missed by this world. So many people miss and still miss you to this day. I'm one of them. There's not a single day that goes by that I don't think, miss, and wish you were here right now. There are certain days where I just wanna break down because I miss you so much, I miss your touch, I miss hearing your voice, I miss you just saying it's gonna be OK and it's gonna get better. I will forever hate that dude, regardless if he's dead or not, I will ALWAYS hate that son of a bitch. I can't change what happened, as much as I want to, but I can say that I'm so thankful for you. I'm thankful for my time with you, I'm thankful for all the memories that we shared together. I'm definitely thankful for everything that you've shown me and opened me up to. I'm sorry, infinitesimally sorry that I lost you, and that shit hurts me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! But I'm so happy and proud to have known you and it's because of you, that I'm a better man and it's that part of your influence that continues to help me become better and better, every single day.

Thank you for walking this earth, Sonya Marie Washington. This day is in remembrance of you, your life, and your beautiful spirit which still continues to influence all who know and love you.

"I love you baby, and I always will. Now and forever."  -S

When Will the Great War End?

What do you do when you're full of rage?

What do you do when you feel loneliness knocking at your door again?

What do you do when you feel the uneasy feeling of doubt just creeping into your mind again?

What do you do when depression comes challenging you to another fight and you're just not in the mood to?

How do you respond to these things?

What do you say?

Where do you go to deal with these things?

Who do you turn to?

When is the right time to deal with this shit?

Why does it wanna come about when things are starting to becoming better?

Why does this happen?

I wish I had the answer to most or all of these questions, but the only thing that I can say is, I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with these things. I'm tired of getting into regular fights with depression. I'm tired of constantly feeling lonely even though there are people that I know that love me. I'm tired of constantly being reminded of my failures and how much of a dark, monstrous person that I used to be and sometimes, still am. I'm tired of constantly fighting to just stay happy and sane, only to constantly be ganged up on by the demons of my past.

To be honest, I just want to go to a cliff, take one last look at the beauty that nature offers and simply jump. Jump into that dark abyss. Jump into the place where I don't have to worry about bills. Where I don't have to worry about adult shit. Where I can go and everything is over. No more worries, no more fights with depression, no more fights with just simply trying to be happy. Yea I know I'm talking about suicide. Wouldn't be the first time and it probably wont be my last, but it's currently how I'm feeling. I don't feel the need to take my life yet, but I do sit here and contemplate on why I should keep living in this terrible world. All I do is constantly fight with my mind. ALL I do EVERY. SINGLE. DAY is fight with myself. The constant war that's in me is tiring. Me trying to reconcile my good side with the dark. It's a tiring thing to keep constantly trying to fight off my thoughts. Fighting off the thoughts of revenge, death, destruction, sorrow, sadness, suicide, and the like. The thoughts of being trapped in my own head and knowing that the Joker is doing all the things that I think about in the back of my head coming to the forefront. It's absolutely maddening. I don't know when the war will end, but I think the executive decision to enact Order 23 will finally be the very thing that finally brings me peace.

A Changing of the Guard

I've had an interesting weekend to say the least. After a up and down Saturday that was literally all over the place, things took an interesting (to put it EXTREMELY lightly) on that early Sunday morning. I was doing a favor and basically just hung out with a friend that I haven't in a very long time. About the time that I was getting ready to leave, we heard a knock on the window, and some goofy ass 40+ year old who has been stalking a soon to be 25 year old was talking all sorts of stupid ass nonsense and dumb shit. Normally, it was just fucked up noise and a lot of BLAH BLAH BLAH, BUT the moment that he decide to threaten me and told me to come outside and come see him and that he would beat my ass and fuck me up, SHIT I WAS FUCKING READY!!

The nigga was talking MAD greasy, so I figured the pussy wanted to knuck with a dude. So I walked my happy go lucky ass outside ready to put this nigga's brain all over the pavement. Soon as I stepped out the door, a giant resounding ass NOTHING. No dude standing there ready to fight, no semblance of any kind of fact that he was there, no nigga that was talking all that fuck shit about him ready to fuck my life up. I walked to my car and did a whole circling of the parking lot looking for this nigga car, ready to drag his out of it and show his punk ass what he won. I've NEVER seen anybody disappear that fast. THEN this dude had the absolute NERVE to call her phone and get on the phone talking all sorts of fuck shit. Didn't say a damn thing coherent, STILL saying come see him and he gon fuck my life up, yet I'm the one who showed up to the fight and he's at some safe location talking all sorts of shit! Saying come see him, saying suck his dick, saying I ain't shit and that I'm a pussy, but I'm the one in the parking lot waiting to find him, going up to cars to see if this nigga laying down in it talking shit, scared knowing that if I get my hands on him, I'm doing my damnest to make sure his fuckboy looking ass wouldn't walk correctly again. He was saying that he could see us and that I wasn't shit but the nigga wasn't trying to pull up and I'm still in my combative ass stance ready to get just one symbol of him trying to pull back up to where we were and get to fucking his life up. Needless to say that he never showed, and after talking to the police to explain what the fuck happened, my vengeful ass STILL went looking for his ass.;

I said all of that to say this. While I was looking for his ass, I let a friend of mine know what the fuck was going on and what that possibly meant for me if shit went south. Looking back at it, she said a bunch of real, true shit that I absolutely need to stop doing. She pointed out that I need to stop taking on the cares of this world and the issues of people that wouldn't do the same for me if the roles were reversed. I need to stop being the crutch to people who are very much willing to just let me be that and are the same ones to disappear if/when I have an issue or issues that are bothering me. Anybody can say that they would be there for you when everything is good with you and you're smiling. But who will be the one to step up and actually TRY to help you when you're down and you're going through a ton of bullshit? Who will be the people that will actively jump to your rescue as you have constantly done for them so many other fucking times? Who the fuck knows, but I can tell you that I can give a fuck less anymore. As my friend told me, I need to worry about myself first. I need to take care of me first and then when I can, help out others. All people do is come to me when they want something or they need me to do them a favor or they need something from me. WHY?! Why do y'all only see me as someone who can only do for you? WHY?! Why is that y'all only need me when your 1st option fucks you over (because more often than not, I've told you that was gonna happen)? Why do y'all always feel the need to tell me that I need to calm down and do this and do that, but I can NEVER count on anybody to just be there to listen to me and just let me fucking vent. Of course, people will say, "Of course I'll be there for you!" OK, if you are, PUT THE FUCK UP OR SHUT THE FUCK UP! I can LITERALLY count on my hand how many people will truly do something to make sure that I'm OK and it's only 4. ONE OF THEM CAME ALL THE WAY FROM ST. LOUIS to make sure that my sanity was still intact. 

This was mainly an entry to just get all this shit out in the open and just talk about that all that shit without it consuming me, but on a deeper level, this is the start of me trying to fight my better nature. It might be a futile thing to do and I've also been told that I shouldn't be doing that in the first place, but fuck it, the shit needs to be done. I need to stop letting myself be taking advantage of and taken for granted by people who aren't willing to put the same energy into me that I'm willing to put into them. I should have stopped that shit a long time ago, but hey, better late than never.