For those that don't know, the band Evanescence derived their name from the word "evanescent" which is an adjective or a verb depending on how you use it, but in this case it means vanishing or disappearing or fading away. Listening to their song, "New Way to Bleed," that's what it seems my life has been like. It seems as though every way that I try to find in terms of just coping with my situation and trying to keep a positive attitude and keep it in Yahweh's hands, it just seems like it always collapses from under me and it's just a new way for me to bleed out the wound that's been open for almost a year. When I listen to "Sick" I'm constantly reminded of how fucking sick I am of this shit. How tired I am of constantly having to battle myself. How I am constantly tortured by thoughts, truth, lies, past, present, and potential future. How fucking sick I am of this "be still" bullshit and wanna take matters into my own hands. "Erase This" gets me longing for the fact of how I wish I could erase all of this that was put on me for no reason. Erase all of the bullshit that I caused before it even happened and how I wish I could have the knowledge that I have now back then. The song "My Heart Is Broken" speaking to the remnants of a decimated heart. Speaking words that remain true. Longing for the fact that I want to never feel this again. Wanting to be taken away from all of this. The "Oceans" that I feel I'm still crossing and that Yahweh has left me stranded in . For what? FOR WHAT?! A fucking joke of a man who has been easily and freely handed EVERYTHING that I worked, pleaded, and proved that I rightfully earned?! Sounds like I was being lied to about a promise and that Yahweh only views me as a piece of shit in His eyes.
Thinking of that shit makes me remember why I used to be "Made of Stone." How I wouldn't have given two shits about this in my past and would have kept on moving and allowed them to live in holy matrimony and wedded bliss for as long as they both shall live. But it's in those moments that Yahweh comes back to me, checks me and then tells me that He knows what I'm feeling and how much it hurts Him. How it destroys Him. How it hurts Him. Me being the guy I am, of course I'm a bit hardheaded, so I tell Yahweh that He couldn't possibly feel ANY of this because He's the 1 that put me in this shit in the first place. If He could feel it and He knows how much it hurts, why the hell would you put me in it in the first place?! But Yahweh being the King that He is and knowing me better than I know myself decided to tell me this. "My son, I know you're hurting and don't ever think that I don't understand your pain. You are in this because I have to do things in you and her before you both even get it. You have to understand what it means to take care of those that I put in your care and how you used to be isn't acceptable anymore. If you are going to be head of the household I give you charge over, you need to learn how to lead your family to Me while I'm leading you to Me also.You are to never again treat this woman the way that you have before. You wont understand any of this until I am done with her and her situation. She still has her lesson to learn. Never again should she doubt the good thing that I've put together because of arguing. I created marriage. Not you or her. You wont always get along and there will be times when opinions differ and emotions flare. That's the reason that you are one. Your flesh is joined in My spirit and thus something good was formed. You wouldn't shed your flesh because you scratched it a couple of times, would you? Therefore, do not think that because you argue, things aren't how they are suppose to be. I had to take everything from her to open her eyes and see that what she had was good and it was taken for granted by you both. I created your union. I allowed the tempter in. I allowed for all these things to be granted and taken away. You must not concern yourself with vengeance, for it is mine and mine alone or sorrow when you are in Me and I have granted you peace. She must take her leap of faith. You don't understand what it is, but I have spoken to her and she knows what she must do. She knows that I'm just waiting on her and I will carry her through this. I am Yahweh, God of Abraham, Issac, & Jacob. I am the One who freed my people from bondage and parted the water for them to escape to their freedom. I am Yahweh that I cannot lie. I have led you in My truth concerning this. Rest in me and let me do what I can only do for Me to get the glory from it. Understand, my son, you can "Never Go Back" to what it was that you remember."
"I WILL restore and bind back up. I WILL keep the promise that I've made to you. I WILL be thrown out of My house before I lie. It may seem like you have the "Weight Of The World" on your shoulders, but cast ALL of your cares and burdens on Me, my child, for I can handle them. You want to "Lose Control," but you cant. You cant give up when you are so close that you cant even imagine. I will rebuke the devourer if you just trust Me, my child. I've given you your command and that was to be still. I've been going ahead to create things for you two that will blow you away beyond what you could ask or think. I WILL restore, increase, and multiply all that you both have lost. I WILL restore the lost time between you both. But you must trust me, the both of you. If I have promised you something, no man can change that. You both don't understand how much you truly love each other. There's no greater love than one who would lay down their life for a friend. I watched you both the night of March 26,2011. You two were willing to spend eternity in hell because you loved each other that much to kill yourselves in front of each other. That did upset me, but it also showed me that you both love each other enough to do something like that, something that neither of you would do with another person. It takes real love to do something like that or even consider that at all. I created something in the both of you that CANNOT work with anyone else. It only works with the 2 pieces of the puzzle that fit perfectly. You cant force it. You cant decide that it isn't needed. I created something in you two that only you two can bring out of each other. No one else. Remember that the next time you feel as though nothing is happening or that I'm not moving on your behalf. You BOTH want me to move like you want me to? Praise Me then. Praise Me in spite of your current situations and watch how I move." I definitely knew better than to argue with the One who will ALWAYS get the last word, no matter what, smh .
Yahweh has a great habit of doing things like that. Always changing my perspective. Always there to encourage me to just keep pushing for a little bit longer. To keep fighting the fight. To finish the last leg of the race. I felt like I was simply just vanishing away from this planet. From her. From who the hell I am and what I knew about myself as a person. I am evanescing with each and every day that this continues to crack me, but for the fact that I do keep disappearing, my Master keeps restoring me and the one thing that He does keep doing for me, He keeps straightening me out and helping me up to finish the last leg of the race, so that He can carry me over to "The Other Side..."
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