Here we are, at the end of Book 2. This has been one hell of an installment into the Dragon Chronicles. It was basically a giant love letter to the woman that I'm in love with. It's been some rough times in some of the entries, but generally, this installment has more or less been dedicated to her. So, Shay, I hope that you'll forgive me if I take the last entry of Book 2 for myself and just type out a lot of things that are just weighing on me that's kinda hard for me to get out into words.
The last couple of weeks have been a little bit trying for me. It's been hard to explain, but I've just had an uneasiness about me. Like something is about to happen to me or like something is about to be revealed to me and it's about to send me over the edge. Normally, I would be able to rationalize and come up with a logical explanation as to what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. But, over these last couple of weeks, I've been feeling this with my gut instinct and it's been hella hard for me to ignore, no matter how hard I've tried to. I don't know if it has something to do with some part of my professional life or if it has something to do with my personal life. Lord knows I don't need nothing else crazy happening in my personal life. It's been going swell, and my professional life has also started to thrive and pass out its blessings also, so I can definitely say that I'm in a good place, maybe not the most perfect of places, but EASILY a good place. So why in the entire blue fuck can I not shake this damn feeling?! What the hell is it that's got me feeling so uneasy? So unsure? So anxious? So worried? SO GAWDDAMN DOWN ON MYSELF?!?! I can't make heads or tails of this.
At one point, I was thinking that Shay was cheating on me and that she was just preparing to leave me once her and her new love interest were more solidified. Maybe I thought that because I thought she was being weird and that the small quirks that I noticed about her at first, she wasn't doing anymore. Or that she wouldn't respond to certain things that I would say that I know for a fact, she would have let off a rebuttal quip in the beginning. I've always known that I'm a keen observer and that I notice the very little things that most people aren't really looking for at first. So when I see something or someone doing or not doing something and I know that it was something that they were doing before and then suddenly stopped doing, it makes me question the reason why they would suddenly stop doing it and for what reason. Hell, maybe the biggest reason for all of this is because I'm still trying to get a handle on her sense of humor and who she is as a person and for the first time in my life, I truly feel like I'm actually failing in that regard.
In times like these, this is where I turn to Alter Bridge. I swear it seems like they have a damn song for almost ANYTHING that I'm feeling at the moment. As I'm writing this right now, I'm listening to their song called "Walking on the Sky." I can definitely say that it feels like I'm walking through one hell of a storm right now and it's been doing nothing but testing me. I can say that it's testing a lot of things that I've experienced in my past and if I'm still scared of them happening or not. Some I can say yes to, some of them I can definitely say, I'm still failing and I need to keep doing the work to push past it (thankfully, this is why I'm in therapy lol.) Sometimes, it does feel like I'm above the world looking down at it, but I'm walking one hell of a tightrope above it all. One slip up and it's game over. I'm falling back into old habits. I'm that much closer to becoming that person that I've fought so hard to overcome. I CAN'T nor WILL I become that person ever again. I just can't. There was some good things about me when I was that cold ass muthafucka all those years ago. I didn't take no shit. Everything was purely logical. There was no need for emotions. Shit got done. The bad side of that was my temper. It was such a quick draw thing, people felt like they were walking on eggshells when trying to talk to me or simply just trying to get my attention. I don't want to be that person anymore. Looking back, I hate that I was like that. I know those feelings still reside in me, but this time, I'm allowing myself to feel. I'm allowing myself to experience happiness and good things, even if I'm not fully used to them yet, but I'm still doing the work and pushing one day at a time to get to where I know I want myself to be.
I know that I wont always succeed. I know that there will be days of failure. I know that there will be days of pain. I know that there will be days that I'm feeling like this. I just know I gotta keep picking myself back up and keep pushing on. I gotta keep pushing on through all the negative thoughts. Pushing through all my doubts. Pushing through everything that is telling me that it's not worth it and that I should give up right now. Because I do know the feeling of accomplishment. The feeling of finally conquering an obstacle. Silencing every doubter that said that you couldn't do it. It's just as freeing as walking on the sky...
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