What's up, Blogger? It's been a while. I didn't mean for it to be this long of an absence. I'll definitely do a better job of getting back on here more consistently. Well, for me, I've celebrated another day of birth back in April, (happy birthday to me), I've gotten another push at work, and I've pretty much become a better, more happier person than I used to be. I also ran into a woman, who's has probably become a staple on this blog also, lol. Yeah, I ran back into Redd again. She wished me happy birthday and we got to talking again, and once again, I thought that there was a feeling. An inkling. Some kind of hope against hope that she has finally come to her senses and she's gonna choose me once and for all and we can finally be together and be happy together. Well, because I'm writing this entry, that obviously didn't happen. I'll be lying to myself, if I said that I wasn't hurt. I'll be lying if I said that I didn't feel disappointment and sadness. I'll be lying if I said that I didn't feel anything at all this time.
The thing that was different this time was a feeling of being tired. A feeling of being fed up. Feelings of being exhausted of riding the same ride, going through the same motions, and hearing the same things over and over about how it's different this time and how much better it's gonna be, and how I'll make sure it will never happen again. Some have said that 10 years is WAYYY too long of a time to be dealing with something like this and, quite frankly, those people are right. I should have never invested all of me into a person who has known that she either couldn't have or just simply wouldn't want to give me back everything that I poured into her. I wanna be angry. I wanna be more hurt than I am. I want to be pissed off. I wanna shout and scream and cuss and yell. I wanna do all those things because they would show that I still love her and that I still care immensely for her. It would show that I STILL WANT YOU!! It would show that I would fight for you until the end of time.
Interestingly enough, those feelings have not changed. I still love you immensely. I still care wholeheartedly. I will still fight for you until the end of time. I still care about your well being and that your kids are taken care of and if I could help in any kind of way, I still will. The thing that's different now is that I'm tired. I'm tired of not being wanted by you. I'm tired of being caught up in your words. I'm tired of this game that you play. I'm tired of being your play thing and someone that you can disregard when you KNOW my feelings for you and that I would stop at nothing to make sure that you're good, safe, and cared for. That shit isn't fair to me. It's selfish as fuck and you know that as well.
I've given up a lot of people for you. Women that wanted me and gave more of a damn about me in a week than you have in 10 years. Women who have seen the best in me. Women who have wanted the best for me. I know and I completely understand the things you've been through in your life. I completely understand the males who have also ruined parts of you that's influenced your thought processes sometimes also. It's fucked up. It's horrible and I get it. But at some point, accountability has to be a thing and you have to take responsibility to change some of the things in you. To see some of the patterns that have happened in your life, so you can see when an "ain't shit" dude is showing some of the same patterns that those that have hurt you have shown to make a better decision. I don't call myself a good man because I know that I have asshole tendencies and I know that I could end up hurting someone without that being my intention. For all of my bad tendencies and ability to be an asshole, the one thing that no one can argue is the fact that I have a good heart and nobody can ever say that I was never there for them in their hour of need when they called upon me. No matter who or what it was. Not even you.
You told me that you would always run from me because you weren't use to good men in your life. I used to think that was a bunch of horse shit and that that was just another lie for you to tell me for me to have sympathy for you in the hopes that it would keep me around you longer. Well I think it's still bullshit, but I do know now that it was based in some truth based off what you told me. But I know some reasons that you never did tell me. I know it's because nobody could call you out on your shit because you are used to calling others out on theirs because of their guilt. You've always hated when I told you the truth and been brutally honest with you. It's the only way I know how to be with you and, should something change in the future, that still wont change. It's the only way to get you to see where you're wrong and where you need to correct things to help yourself become the best person that you can be. My intention was never to hurt you or belittle you, but always to help you grow as a person and to find yourself. Something you've needed for a while.
Like I said, I'm hurt, sad, and disappointed. But it's not my usual feelings when it comes to you. I've been angry that I've let you walk all over me and that I've let you take me for granted and for that, I stand on my own 2 and say that's on me. I should have never allowed that kind of behavior to take place the way that it did and for as long as it did. I should have never allowed anyone to toy with me the way that I let you. I wanna hate you forever. I want to wish that I never met you. I want to say you're such a horrible person for everything that you've done to me. I can't and I wont. Why? It's very simple and it's something that's been repeated on here, to anyone that would have listened to me, and especially to you. Simply put. I love you. But that's where that needs to stop. I'll love you forever. That's something that will never change with me, even after I take my last breath. But I cant keep doing this to myself. I don't deserve it and you cant just keep coming into my life when you feel like it, when you're feeling bored, or if you see me too happy and want to change that.
I cant keep letting you do these things to me. I've been mulling over doing this for a while now because I don't think you will truly understand my impact in your life if I'm always around or you can always run back to me whenever you want and I keep letting you. I would have never pegged you for a liar, but that's also because people never gave you the credit you deserve. In this regard, neither did I. If there was someone that you never had to lie to, I would have hoped that I would have been that person because I've never given you a reason to lie to me or a reason to hold things from me. I'm a big boy. If you had something to say, say it freely. Yes, my feelings could probably be hurt, but I know how to suck that shit up and keep it moving. You've been a key catalyst in me learning that ability, so I would have been fine. If there's someone you've been interested in or someone you wanted to fuck or did, who the hell was I? I wasn't your man. I'm still not. You were and are free to do whatever you want. If you couldn't give me the love and affection that I wanted, the least you could have done was just simply be a friend.
The thing that hurts me most of all about this is I have to lose a friend. Someone who has known me for a long time. Someone who I confided in. Someone who knows about my past and never once saw me as an horrible person for the things I've done. It hurts that I have to lose a person that has such a huge part of my heart and will always occupy that part forever. I never would have thought that this would be the road that we ended up down. It has to be done though because I cant keep letting you do what you do to me and I'm the only one who has to pay the consequences of it.
This is my last goodbye. My last breath on a candle that's been running out of wax every time you kept reigniting it. Maybe in a different lifetime or alternate universe we're together and happy. Maybe we tried and broke up and never spoke again. Maybe we tried, and decided that it truly was better to just stay friends. Maybe we don't even know each other in that alternate universe. All I know is that in this one, this is what happened between us. It's a tragic end to what looked to be a promising story. I know that it wont affect you and I've already become an afterthought in your mind and in your life, but in mine, it's a tragic fall for a woman I held in such high regard. Maybe I shouldn't have put you on such a high pedestal. Maybe I should have long reciprocated that which you gave me. Either way, the final nail in the coffin has been hammered down and it's now being laid to rest.
I'll mourn our friendship. I know that there will be hard days. I know there will be times that I'm sad. I know there will be times that I will want to talk to you and hear your voice. Those times will be there. But just like those times will be there, there will be times where I can see myself getting better. Where I can see myself becoming stronger. Where I see my energy returning. Where I see myself truly letting go. Maybe in the next lifetime, we can try again and be together. Maybe in some kind of cosmic karma, the universe brings you back to me and you've done a complete 180. You'll truly understand me and understand what I was to you. You'll finally give me the love and affection I've wanted from you. You can truly give to me like I've always given to you. If that day is on the horizon, I'll meet you there and we can try this again. But until that miraculous day, I'm sorry it had to come to this. This is goodbye. For the last time. I love you, Redd. If it's fated so, I'll see you in the next lifetime...
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